Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have never written to anyone before, but I read your column and I like it very much. I must admit it is a bit embarrassing for me, but I could really use your help.

I have been married to a wonderful man for over 6 years no. I we are both in our 30’s and we both enjoy sex very much. Everything was fine up until about two years ago.

Out of the blue, when my husband would enter me, it would start to hurt like crazy. Obviously, this made sex uncomfortable and painful for me. I went to my gynecologist and she said that nothing was wrong after doing a few tests.

She said that maybe I just needed more lubrication and that would fix the problem. I have tried that Sooz, but it really hasn’t helped much. Do you have any advice you can give me that may help make the sex better again?

Sexy Sadie

 

Dear Sexy Sadie:

Actually, I do. You “Could” have what therapists call Vaginismus, this is when upon entering, the Vagina constricts and thus causing the pain. The solution here is to get a kit that uses a dilator for the vagina, which helps stretch it making the pain go away.

Also, try and strengthen your Kegel muscles. There are several books and pamphlets out there that can show you how to do this. Also, the internet has some good ideas also. Many times, this in itself will help alleviate your pain.

I would try this first and see if it helps you. In the meantime, try to have your husband perform oral sex on you while you are strengthening your Kegel muscles.

If all else fails, try a sex therapist, they may be able to advise you on something I couldn’t. Good luck, I hope it works.

 

Keurig Repair—Sooz’s Way

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Let me just start out by saying that I LOVE coffee. About a year ago, I got my first Keurig coffee maker, I love it. Up until yesterday it worked just fine, so this morning, I thought rather than spend 50 bucks or more to have it repaired, I would just tinker around with it and see hat I could do.

Now for those of you who read me, you may have surmised that I am NOT the best fix it woman in the world. However, ONCE gain, I decided that I would give it a shot.

I took out my handy Keurig booklet, went to the troubleshooting section and dug in.

No Power—Plug the machine in DUH!!!, See if blue light comes on. CHECK!!!

Blue Light is on but NO coffee—Yup, that was the problem, SEE, how hard was that. Then it gave a few suggestions like line up possible tools needed. It said get a needle nose pliers, a Phillips head screwdriver, a Flat head screwdriver, a Star headed screwdriver, a regular pliers, some Duct Tape (Figures), and a wire stripper.

Yikes, this was becoming more than I wanted to handle. I figured that all I would have to do is push the re-set button. So, the book said to lift and re-set the water thingy by lifting it up and then easily giggling it a couple of times…NOTHING!!!

Then, it said if THAT didn’t work to open up where you put the cups in and take a safety pin, (What happened o all those tools), and stick it inside the little hole in there a few times…Nothing.

After an an hour messing with it, I decided there was one tool I was probably missing. I took the coffee maker out to my garage, placed it on the floor  used the tool I KNEW would fix it…Yup….A Sledgehammer. I broke that #$%@%*& thing into about a million pieces…FINALLY…I KNEW what was wrong with it, I needed a NEW one.

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and he has a problem. No, I don’t mean a sexual problem, we are good there, He is deathly afraid of clowns. No, seriously, he gets crazy when he sees even a picture of a clown.

I bring this up because we have a 6 year old son who has a birthday coming up. Thinking it would be nice for Mark, (our son); I suggested we hire a clown to make the party more fun.

Well, my husband freaked out and said absolutely not, there was no way a clown was coming to our house. I thought this was a bit unrealistic, so I stormed off into the bedroom. Am I wrong here, or should I respect my husband’s wishes.

Sad Clown Face

Dear Sad Clown Face:

As odd as it may seem, many people are afraid or scared of clowns, just like many people are afraid of spiders. Just tell your husband you didn’t realize how bad it affects him, and hire a magician instead. No one can go wrong with a kid’s magician. Good luck. Oh, Happy Birthday to Mark…

 

 

Once Upon a Time

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Once upon a time a long, long time ago…

My Conscience:   Oh come ON Sooz, the story you are about to tell happened to you yesterday.

Me:    Well, OK, but I ALWAYS like to tell my stories THAT way.

My Conscience:    Get with the program girl, this is the REAL world NOT Fractured Fairy Tales…

Me:   Well, OK then, it was yesterday. THERE…Feel better now?????????

My Conscience:   Yes, now get on with the damn story, I’m busy here.

 

Anyway, so YESTERDAY, I was grocery shopping, and when I came out with my purchases, I noticed that someone had key scratched my car. Now that wasn’t bad ENOUGH, but there was a note on my car that read “This is what you get for being a Lesbo. This must mean that it was someone who knows me, right?

I was so mad I called the police, when they came; they said they couldn’t do anything about it as there were no witnesses. I could have spit glass I was so angry. Who would do something like this? Where is Humanity going anyway?

First of all the purps. screwed up because I am a bisexual being, assholes. It’s a good thing I didn’t see them do it or their lives would have been Hell from then on.

I called my insurance company and I will be out 500.00 for my deductible, but they will cover it. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes people just really piss me off. Sorry, I am STILL fuming.

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Last summer, my husband of 12 years left me for another woman. Recently, he messaged me on Facebook wanting to get back together with me. Evidently his floozy girlfriend left him for another younger, better looking man.

We did have some good times, but also some bad times Sooz, and I am afraid to re-enter that relationship again. Is it true, once a philanderer always a philanderer? I just hate to make the wrong move here, I am so confused. I could really use your help.

Confused

 

Dear Confused:

I certainly understand your concern with this. It really depends on how much you BOTH want to rekindle your relationship. Can he change, I don’t know. What I would recommend is to get COUPLES therapy. Iron out the old problems and THEN try and pick up your relationship.

I wouldn’t just rush into anything as this could be a recipe for disaster once again. Find out about what makes BOTH of you tick first, and then renter the relationship if you both feel you can make it work.

Personally, I am a skeptic, but then again, I am also a romantic, so I sincerely wish you two the best if that’s what you want. Good Luck.

 

 

You Know You’re a Hoarder When…

You wake up and take a shower…In the kitchen sink.

You can’t decide WHICH pair of your 200 pairs of shoes you should search for to wear today.

It takes you 35 minutes to get from your bed to your bedroom door.

You search for an hour trying to find the cat food for your 27 cats.

You can use your cat’s feces to spread manure onto your neighbors 200 acre farm.

You can’t decide whether to find your TV or try and get to your front door today.

You think the people with hazard masks are just coming to VISIT you.

You’re not SURE, but you THINK you had a dog in here somewhere.

Your neighbors send you a letter threatening to BURN your house down.

You can’t find your toilet so you use an empty Maxwell Coffee can.

 

**If you have any of these symptoms, either call a Psychiatrist, or a dumpster.**

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

My neighbor has a very yippee dog who just won’t stop barking. It happens to be a Shih Tsu and it has a very shrill yip to it. Not only that, but my neighbor walks her onto my grass and somehow it always seems to do its business in my yard. The other day I picked it up as usual, but this time, I threw it back into her yard. I realize that was childish, but I have had it with that dog.

I have spoken to her about this problem and all she says is, “What do you want me to do about it, duct tape her mouth?” I said I don’t know but it’s driving me crazy. My husband says he might just take a piece of meat and poison it the next time she yips, but that will just land him in jail if they find out.

Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this without getting into a range war?

Yippee Kaiya Mother*&#^&$

 

Dear Yippee Kaiya Mother*#^&$

First of all, DON’T let your husband do anything that would put you guys at risk for animal abuse. They carry fines up to 2000.00 and would cause your neighbor to possibly retaliate later.

If you are that concerned with the barking, ask your neighbor if she would take her animal to dog obedience school on YOUR dime. While I realize your neighbor should pay for it, she sounds like the type who just doesn’t give a damn and so she can’t balk at that idea. Dog training can be VERY helpful and SHOULD help to solve your annoyance.

Also, if it is after 10PM at night and the dog is STILL yipping, call the cops, maybe after a visit or two she will get the idea and shut her dog up. Good luck.

 

 

 

Ten Things Women Should NOT do When Drunk

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Propose Marriage—This act should ONLY be done sober as even IT only works out around a 50% of the time. When drunk, stick to kissing heavily, breast and cock feeling, and perhaps a one or four night stand using the proper protective techniques.

Ask Another Drunk for the Time—This behavior results in not ONLY getting the incorrect time, but can also be the start for a drunken marriage proposal, as the two of them FINALLY figure out the time

Sing-It’s Raining Men—This usually gets ALL the drunks singing and taking off articles of clothing it’s a SURE thing. This is OK for the women with great bodies and men who MAY be Adonis’s, however, this is only about one in the entire place. Put it back, sir, NO ONE wants to see THAT!!

Start a Conga Line—OK, look; this is fun at a wedding, but in the middle of Time’s Square on New Year’s Eve with NAKED bodies…..Ahhhh NO!!! Hey, it DID happen dammit, I was THERE!!! Shush…THAT memory needs to be forgotten. DAMM those pictures!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Betting the Entire Bar 50.00 bucks you can Have an Orgasm in LESS Than 1Min, Then, have everyone try and PROVE it!!! God that was a FUN night…I think???

Never Bet you can Out Drink a Wrestler—I have found that professional wrestlers can drink you under the table and then wrestle you once you are UNDER the table. Ya gotta LOVE wrestlers…

Call a Woman a Whore, and then take her home and sleep with her. OK, I have had BAD experiences with this just sayin’.

Never Go Home With a Stranger—Talk to him, touch him, fuck him in his car first, THEN go home with him. After all THAT, he is no longer a stranger.

Never Give a Blowjob to Anyone who Eats Nachos With Beer—OMG, it is the WORST tasting Semen EVER!!! You can remember this if you are sober also.

OK, you MAY have noticed that they’re only 9 things here. If you DID, keep drinking, and after a while there will SEEM like many more. Hope you enjoyed these.

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

My husband and I have been married now for 8 years and knock on wood, so far so good. Here is my question, yesterday at our 4th. of July party, my husband got very drunk and started to pee all over my geraniums. It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that there was a crowd of our friends just watching and cheering him on.

Personally, I was appalled and disgusted. How can a 38 year old man be so childish? I mean really, whipping out his Johnson and just pissing in my flowers? I shiver to think of what other teenage behavior may show up one day after a day of drinking.

How should I address this, so this behavior does not happen again?

Fuming in Appleton

 

Dear Fuming in Appleton:

I must admit, when I first read this I did laugh out loud. It reminded me of my next door neighbor boys who used to try and spell their names in the creek when the need arose.

What I would recommend is to just speak to your husband about the ordeal in a calm, yet stern fashion, and explain that displaying his dick, regardless of how prominent it is, should NOT be put on display for the whole community.

Ask him how he would like to see you pulling your panties down and just taking a squat on the front lawn with everyone watching? I understand he was drunk, but, none the less, he should keep his dick in his pants until truly needed.

Hope this helps. P.S. If he definitely has a drinking problem, then I would recommend that he see someone about it or join AA.

 

 

Does Your Drinking Match Your Social Ineptness

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For years, I have always perceived myself as being a social cast-a-way. Now, I realize for those who read me, you may see me as flamboyant, aggressive, and a total type A personality. Well, in truth, those emotions, or traits WERE there, but were only displayed from being intoxicated.

Now, when I was drinking, I was pretty much drunk all the time, but, from years of heavy drinking, I would seem absolutely normal. Oh sure, if you came up to me and smelled my breath, you would smell the vodka behind many various mints and mouth sprays, but you would never KNOW that I had been drinking all along.

I’m certainly not a psychiatrist, but, MY psychiatrist says I drank from a fear of abandonment. When my father killed himself and my mother was such a mess, I had lost the only close knit family I knew, until my Aunt Carol came along and helped pick up the pieces. She, from that time on, was the only GOOD thing in my life.

Even with my Aunt Carol though, I always felt alone and socially inept. Drinking was a crutch that helped fix that sense of loneliness and the alcohol seemed to help make me feel more socially in tune with others.

It was all fun and games for a while until the booze started taking over my life. I no longer just wanted a drink to more sociable; I NEEDED that drink now to do what it did so well.

The years rolled by and so did my drinking skills. Now, I could drink vast amounts of liquor and still APPEAR sober. Only I knew the vicious circle I was getting sucked into. A drink or three in the morning, then again at work to get me through the day, drunk at night until I would pass out, sometimes peeing myself and embarrassed when awakening. I was a mess, but I would start the whole thing all over again the next morning.

I guess what I am saying is, if you ARE or see yourself in these same scenarios, stop, take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself WHY? WHY am I doing this? If you can, throw out the alcohol, join an AA group, and get yourself a good sponsor. Without a good sponsor I would have gone right back to drinking again. Every day I get up, I STILL wanna drink, it’s only by the grace of God and a good sponsor that I am still on the straight and narrow.

Hopefully this has helped someone, if not, well, at least thank you for listening to my story…

Sooz