Bank Robber Runs Naked Through Streets

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A bank Robber who robbed a Regent Bank in Ft. Lauderdale today was seen running down several blocks totally naked. A dye pack an employee stashed in the stolen money exploded, and the man quickly discarded his clothes as not to be mistaken for a Pink Smurf.

Several passers by exclaimed that, “There really wasn’t much to LOOK at”, as the man dropped 100 and 50 dollar bills out of his ass as he ran. After his capture, he was asked,” Why he did it”, he said, “ He thought it would be a funny way to start his comedy career.” Authorities agreed unfortunately, it will be…15-20 years from now.

The Take Away:

Just a thought from the peanut gallery, next time, use a getaway car. Hopefully, you are a DAMN FUNNY guy now that you are going to prison. You will NEED all the laughs you can get.

 

Just Ask Sooz

 

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Dear Sooz:

I am writing this while I am drunk. My boyfriend of 3 years has just left me. He claims I am a bad girlfriend and that I only want to have sex with him when I’m drunk.

While that is true Sooz, when we were together, I usually was drunk at which point I would have sex with him.

It’s just something within me that feels better having sex when I am relaxed and confident. What’s wrong with having sex that way anyway?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me Sooz, right now, I just wanna fuck the world. Any thoughts?

Broken Hearted Drunk

 

Dear Broken Hearted Drunk:

I have addressed this before, several women like to have a drink or two before making love. The kicker, as I see it, is he didn’t like you being drunk. Were you a slobbering drunk, or just “relaxed”?

It sounds to me as if you may have been a slobbering drunk. If that was the case, you have more than a boyfriend problem, you MAY have a drinking problem.

I would recommend you see a Dr. about this who could advise you of a program near you. There will always be other boyfriends, first get yourself straight, THEN you may be able to keep a boyfriend next time.

Good Luck.

 

Sex, Masturbation and Master Slave

 

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Dear Internet

 I use you each and every day and I don’t understand why you give me prompts for writing that suggest- Sex, Master Slave, and Masturbation. Yes, while it is true that I occasionally talk about Sex and Masturbation, I hardly EVER discusses my Master Slave proclivities.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t MIND talking about Master slave situations, it’s just that I don’t write about it that often to have my writing suggestions use this subject. I would much rather have my suggestions include Just Ask Sooz, or perhaps Sooz’s Fractured Fairy Tales.

Hell, even those stories about getting drunk or having drunken sex would be better. Preferably, the best suggestions would be about-Rainbows, Unicorns, and World Peace. OK, look, I would probably sprinkle these subjects with Sex, Masturbation, and perhaps Master Slave proclivities, BUT, I would much rather see the above in print as suggestions.

 I am finished bitching now, I realize you are just doing your due diligence when it comes to offering suggestions for all your writers. I promise to play nice from now on and will just take your suggestions as written. I humbly apologize for being a sexy depraved woman, who loves engaging in continuous masturbation, and will write more about my sexual Master Slave occurrences to live up to my suggestive matter.

 

Regards,

Sooz

P.S. My hands are in my pants as we speak… FU!!!!

 

 

 

How to Make a Million Dollars

Image result for cartoon of a millionaire

There are several ways you can make a million dollars. Seriously, I’m not kidding, even if you never went to college, or have an extremely high IQ, the same business rules apply.

Oh, and to answer your question, it’s not so much about the work, work, work attitude, as it is envisioning yourself  as being successful. Now I KNOW you’re asking what the F**K is she talking about. Well, here it is in a nutshell.

 First and foremost,  see yourself as a success. Make a mental picture of yourself with a rich lifestyle. I would say there are few millionaires who have NOT done this. If you think small, you WILL be small. If you think BIG, you have a good shot at becoming a millionaire.

Sure, you have to have a goal, pick something you are good at and exploit the Hell out of it. Every day say to yourself, “Today I am going to accomplish S, or Y, or Z”, and then DO IT!!!

It still takes hard work, but, if you have the dream, and you have the goal, the labor becomes a labor of love. Let’s face it, the only “other” way to become rich is to win the Lottery, inherit the money, or rob a few banks.

The next thing you must do is save and invest your money. Many people work day to day without ever saving anything. Sure, there are those who are working minimal hourly jobs who are unable to save, again, get the Hell out of there, find what you are good at, and then DO IT!!!

Saving, working, and investing are the keys. The more you are able to save, the better. Take your savings and invest it. I would recommend calling a professional who has a good track record and then diversify your holdings.

Trust me, after a few years, you will be surprised at how much your investment can yield. Now, find your niche and start crackin’…Hurry up…GO!!! Why are you stalling??

 

 

 

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Storage Wars, Fake or Fiction?

 

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Last night I was watching TV, and on A&E came a show called Storage Wars. Now I have watched this show before, usually when I’m not doing something. I usually watch it for its entertainment value.

Yesterday, after watching the show, I decided to do a little research. I couldn’t take it anymore. For those of you who have never watched the show, a group of bidders gather around at a storage facility, and bids are then made by the people who come to the auction.

Now, there are about 5 or 6 MAIN bidders for lockers that are up for auction, with about 12-15 other bidders who SELDOM, if EVER actually get a winning bid. Last night was very exciting, Darrell Sheets, (AKA the gambler), bid nearly 16,000 on this one locker.

Honestly, most of them look like JUNK, I wouldn’t even bid on them. Anyway, after winning the bid, he opens the locker and here is between 90k to 100k worth of collectable items and such. SERIOUSLY???

I found out that the show is totally fake. The auctioneer, (Dan Dotson and his wife Laura), actually pay these MAIN players 12k each just to be there to bid on said items. No WONDER no one else seems to score anything.

The next thing is the amount the winners, while clearing their lockers, price the worth of said items. Scratched chairs, tables, and clothing, I’ve seen them price as high as 1000. Not in MY book. I would have given you a 100 dollar bill for ALL the contents in these lockers.

Come to find out, the producers add antiques to some of the lockers, from an antique store who also happens to appraise then for the bidders when taken back to THEIR antique store. I don’t know, it’s a good concept and makes good TV, but it has just crushed my reality TV watching. Oh well, back to Pawn Stars.

 

 

 

 

My Reading at Lily Dale

 

I read an article yesterday about a reporter who had visited the spiritual community of Lily Dale. She had gotten a Psychic reading and was totally flabbergasted by the results. Now let me say this; I have NEVER believed in Psychic readings, by that mambo jumbo as I call it, however, a year ago, I was in and around this area so I thought I would stop in and see if I could fool them.

First off, I thought it would just be amusing, and secondly, I had read that it is a beautiful and very friendly community so I decided to check it out.

The community is located in the Western New York area, and has a population of around 275 people who dedicate their lives to the betterment of society by helping others around them.

The community has many mediums, spiritualists, and folks dedicated to help others through their readings. Knowing that I wanted to “test their powers”, I didn’t call ahead so they could check me out through the internet.

Many homes there have open readings so I found one with an open sign and went inside. The woman who greeted me was a warm and friendly woman about 35, and when I asked for a reading, she immediately agreed.

My intent was to basically say nothing and let THEM do the talking with me nodding yes or no. Right away, she started with. “ You have just lost someone you love  recently”. I thought, “who hasn’t”. Let me just say here that it WAS true, though, my aunt Carol had just passed and I loved her very much.

A tear came to my eye as she spoke about this and then she said, “ your aunt Carol is here beside you and is saying to be careful, you are on a dangerous path like your mother and will come into hard times unless you change”.

Next, she said my mother was in the room and was saying that she apologized to me for the way she had treated me as a child. Well, I lost it, I started to sob. The psychic said that she was always with me as was my aunt Carol, and to turn to them for strength.

Then, the most amazing thing happened, she said my dad was present. He was telling me to be strong, live the straight and narrow lifestyle,, and to follow his lead in life. He said his reward was well worth his efforts.

At that point she said they had left, I was left drained, sad, and amazed. I had said NOTHING, and yet, she had told me my whole life story. How COULD she have known all of this? I was flabbergasted.

I will say this, if you are ever in upstate NY, go to Lily Dale, stop in, and have a reading. It changed one MAJOR skeptic into a sobbing mess of jelly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I read an article yesterday about a reporter who had visited the spiritual community of Lily Dale. She had gotten a Psychic reading and was totally flabbergasted by the results. Now let me say this; I have NEVER believed in Psychic readings, by that mumbo jumbo as I call it, however, three years ago, I was in and around this area so I thought I would stop in and see if I could fool them.

First off, I thought it would just be amusing, and secondly, I had read that it is a beautiful and very friendly community so I decided to check it out. The community located in the Western New York area, has a population of around 275 people, who dedicate their lives to the betterment of society by helping others around them.

The community has many mediums, spiritualists, and folks dedicated to help others through their readings. Knowing that I wanted to “test their powers”, I didn’t call ahead so they could check me out through the social media.

Many homes open readings so I found one with an open sign and went inside. The woman who greeted me was a warm and friendly woman about 35, and when I asked for a reading, she immediately agreed.

My intent was to basically say nothing and let THEM do the talking with me nodding yes or no. Right away, she started with. “ You have just lost someone you love  recently”. I thought right away, “who hasn’t”. Let me just say here that it WAS true, though, my aunt Carol had just passed and I loved her very much.

A tear came to my eye as she spoke about this and then she said, “ your aunt Carol is here beside you and is saying to be careful, you are on a dangerous pass like your mother and will come into hard times unless you change”.

Next, she said my mother was in the room and was saying that she apologized to me for the way she had treated me as a child. Well, I lost it, I started to sob. The psychic said that she was always with me as was my aunt carol, and to turn to them for strength.

Then, the most amazing thing happened, she said my dad was present and he was telling me to be strong, live the straight and narrow, and to follow his lead in life. He said his reward was well worth his efforts.

At that point she said they had left, I was left drained, sad, and amazed. I had said NOTHING, and yet, she had told me my whole life story. How COULD she have known all of this? I was flabbergasted.

I will say this, if you are ever in upstate NY, go to Lily Dale, stop in, and have a reading. It changed one MAJOR skeptic into a sobbing mess of jelly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Cheesy Story by Sooz

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Once upon a time, in a foreign country, far, far away, (I STILL love that opening), there lived a beautiful girl named Cracker. Hey, don’t look at me, I didn’t name the kid, I would have called her Cinderella, or perhaps Shannin. Geez, what some parents call their kids these days.

Anyway, Cracker lived in a beautiful farming village, tucked away in an area where there are fresh, clean waters, and beautiful snow capped mountains. A cabin overlooking the valley displayed Nature’s wonders, and a booming community below.

Cracker was a bright child, she was filled with youthful exuberance, and a profound curiosity of the unknown. She was bored with the small community lifestyle however, and wanted to be an entrepreneur.

One day while in the barn milking the cow, she thought, hum, what would happen if I took some of the rennet from the drying calves liver (YUCK), and added it to the cow’s milk. Wondering … “What If”, she took some cows milk, added the rennet, and thought maybe try some lemon as a little zest. Nothing happened.

Then she thought, OK, let me heat it under a fire and see what happens. When she did, she noticed that the milk began to curdle, Quickly, she got an old cloth and tried sifting out the milk from the remaining lumpy by product.

She let it sit out in the weather for a couple of days, while also pressing the hardened result down between two heavy books. After a couple weeks she ventured out to try her invention. Well, low and behold, it was delicious.

She took it into her parents house and made them taste it. To their surprise, they LOVED it. Her parents said she had a hit here, and took it to sell in the market. It seemed that Cracker just couldn’t make the product fast enough. As soon as she would make some, it would immediately sell out.

That my friends is the story of how cheese was first made. Oh, by the way, did I tell you her last name??? Barrel. And Now you know, the LIAR’S truth.

Just Ask Sooz

Image result for cartoon of a 12 year old girl being stung on the ass by bees

Dear Sooz:

I read your blog about being bitten by a flea, and I laughed my ass off. I thought I would write and tell you what happened to me, as I thought you would enjoy it. It all started when I was a child about the age of 12.

My Family and I went old style camping, you know, no inside toilets or any real amenities. My brother and I were in the woods, hiking, and we both had stepped in a grass covered depression in the ground. It turned out, that depression was a bees nest.

The next thing you know, it seemed as though there were 1000 honey bees flying around us and stinging us all over. We hauled our asses out of there asap and ran faster than an Olympian sprinter back to our cabin.

When we got back, whimpering like little girls, my mother lovingly, (Yet secretly enjoying this), pulled out the stingers still stuck in my cute little ass. Each stinger pulled, cut my chances of becoming a professional equestrian. I could just see myself bouncing up and down in the saddle yelling ouch with each and every bounce.

I’ll never forget that day, and after reading your story, it brought back all those beautiful, yet painful memories. Thanks for the memories Sooz.

Sore Ass

 

Dear Sore Ass:

While my flea bite was very uncomfortable, I believe you’ve got me beat. Thanks for the input, it was fun and amusing.

 

 

I Just Got Bitten by a Flea, UGH!!!

Image result for Flea bite on  a womans Vagina

So here’s the thing, I’m minding my OWN business satisfying a need, and along comes a flea and bites me on my La La land. For those of you who need a quick translation, the damn thing bit me in the crotch.

Interesting, I have never been bitten by an insect before in THIS area. Let me just say…WTF??? You may think it’s funny being looked at like you are in a constant state of masturbating, but, let me tell you, it itches like HELL!!!

I go to my medicine chest and see if I have any anti itch cream…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!! Then, I remember that if you put vinegar on the bite, it should remove the itch. By now, since I have handled myself like an insane woman, the bite is about the size of New Jersey, and is easily recognizable.

Quickly, I take the vinegar, put in on a Kleenex and apply it to my cooche. OUCH!!! Yes, I screamed like a child as the burning sensation melted away half my Zippee. As you can see, I don’t call my Va Jay-Jay the same thing every time.

I Immediately doused it with water, whimpered a little more, also scratched a little more, (Increasing the bite to the size of California).  Desperately, I tried two things:

 A. Getting my hands away from it

 B. Praying to the gods of Flea itch relief.

To get my mind off of it, I watched TV thinking this might distract me. It DID until the commercial about Itching cream relief came on…SERIOUSLY??? Guess where my hand went??? Hellllllllp!!!!!