I Got Hooked on an Infomercial

cia-loves-u-760208

Dicer\

Tick, tick, tick, here it is 3:00 AM and I still couldn’t sleep. What do you do? I‘ll tell you what, you get up, pour some Tea, and watch Infomercials until your eyes FALL OUT!

Let me be clear about something, I am in Advertising so I know ALL the tricks of the trade, EXCEPT one. I am the EASIEST sale around. Salesmen LOVE me. I am incapable of saying no to a good close from the door to door guy.

It’s true; I am just a sucker at my OWN game. I have a Kirby, all the Fuller brushes I will EVER need, and OK, Hell, I even have a Pocket Fisherman to boot. Go figure.

So here I was with Tea in hand, sitting in front of the boob tube, when this Infomercial comes on about this product that slices, dices, chops, and even COOKS you dinner if you can find the right button.

NOW, it had my attention. I do a lot of cooking, so anything that will make MY job easier I’m in 100%. My attention is now GLUED to this 60” rectangular box with pretty colors, and the allure of Aladdin’s lamp sucking me into its web of intrigue.

I am hooked. The TV asks a question, I nod my head as if I’m in a hypnotized state of mind. Just by ordering today, you ALSO get a FREE Ginsu knife for your entire sushi making. OMG!!!!!! I just had to have this…

My hands are shaking now as I fumble into my bag and pull out that magic piece of plastic that will satisfy my hungry craving. I am possessed. I NEED this product. I can see myself using it EVERY day for quicker meals.

The deed was done. Three days later I received this magic piece of art that I could NOT live without. The problem is, I have only used it three times in two years.

Until Later…

Things I Like About My Men and Women

sexy redheads
Since I am a bisexual who happens to have Nympho qualities, you would THINK that I would love just about ANYTHING on this planet that walks on two legs, NOT true.

I actually DO have a type… ALIVE…Just kidding… Here are some of the qualifications I look for in my conquests. First and foremost, I look for a sense of humor. Humor is VERY important to me when it comes to a relationship. If ya wanna take me to bed, make me laugh.

Many people think that all women are interested in is a great six pack, or a nice ass, but for ME, that isn’t true. Sure, it helps, but it really isn’t necessary.

Fat, bald, tall or short dosen’t matter as long as you have the traits I require. I’ve already mentioned the humor; the next think I MUST have is intelligence. I am a bright woman and can NOT be courted by someone who wants me to order for them at a restaurant.

The last thing I look for in either men or women is confidence. I like someone who knows themselves and is not afraid to make on the spot decisions. I also am self confident and it is VERY HOT when someone else plays up to my level.

If you have these qualities, take off your pants and be ready to be loved like you have never been loved before…I’m WAITING…

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:


I am a 32 year old woman who is about to pull her hair out. It’s my mother-in-law Sooz, She’s a real PIA (Pain in the @%#*&@@#&^^&). She is literally an alcoholic who carries a case of her favorite beer in the car with her at all times.
Here’s the thing though, she shows up at all hours, day, afternoon, even evening without being invited. Usually she is already three sheets to the wind and if my son (three) is up, I feel especially uncomfortable.


Christmas morning, she showed up at our door at 6:30 AM with beer in tow. Sooz, I understand she has a problem, but why does it have to be my problem? Several times my husband has tried to get her into a program, but she says she is fine and doesn’t need it.
Both my husband and I have talked about this, but neither one of us knows what to do. Is there any advice you can give us that might help?


Distressed Mother



Dear Distressed Mother:


Alcohol addiction is very tough on families. No one will get her into a program unless she is good and ready. Here’s what I suggest. Tell her both your husband and you love her, but, you are concerned for HER safety AND the relationship between her and her grandchild.
Let her know that until she stops drinking, or comes around drunk to YOUR home, she will NOT be invited in. Perhaps the thought of not seeing her grandson will make her think twice about going into a program or, at LEAST stop her from drinking while she is with you.
Seriously, I understand, being a recovering alcoholic myself. My heart and soul goes out to you both. I will send you some info where she can go, and some other pamphlets that may help YOU guys. Good luck.
:thumbup:

Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

  • Fractured Fairy Tales
    Once upon a time in a far away land known as Earth, there lived three bears. There was a Papa bear, who was an architect and contractor, A Momma bear who was a CIA operative, and then there was the baby bear, he was well, only five years old, so his only claim to fame was loving, and eating as much ice cream as he could.


    One day, Momma bear got up early and decided to make breakfast for the family. She slaved and slaved in the kitchen making papnckes, eggs, bacon, ham and cinnamon muffins. Yeah, yeah, I know, you thought I was going say Porridge, but HEY, it’s MY story, suck it up.

    Papa bear had a HUGE plate in front of him, Momma, who was smaller, had a medium size plate, and baby bear had a very small plate of food to eat. Does THIS story sound familiar??? Hmmmmmm.


    Well, the bears took one bite of their delicious breakfast and said AY CARRUMBA, this meal is hotter than eggs frying on rocks in an Arizona Summer. Let’s all go for a walk and let this cool off and then try again. They all agreed, after a baby bear asked for some ice cream, and off they went.


    The day was gorgeous, they laughed, and talked, and played. Papa bear, while walking, got an idea. He had always wanted to have a bigger place to live. Not that the bear cave wasn’t nice, it just lacked some things, like running water, flush toilets, a place to cook on, and REAL beds instead of straw and sticks. Plus, the SMELL…it smelled like, well, a BEAR cave.


    Papa was determined to design and build a huge bear estate called “The Three Bears” (Go figure right???). He discussed it with momma bear and she agreed, as long as she could have granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and duel sinks in the bathroom.


    Now, also in this village, there lived a beautiful young girl named Rosie Red. (You thought I was gonna say Goldilocks didn’t you???) Alas, she was homeless after her parents were eaten by bears years earlier. Now she was destined along the path of a lonely traveler’s life, searching for scraps of food and lodging where ever she could find some. One day, while on her quest for food, she came upon a cave in the middle of the forest. She was curious as to what might be in there so she yelled in,”Anyone in there”? When no one answered, she decided to make a bold move, and proceed inward.


    Slowly she walked inside and immediately noticed a pungent smell. Hey, she thought, this could be a bear cave. She stopped dead in her tracks and just listened for a minute…No noise, so she proceeded.
    What she found were three plates of bacon, eggs, pancakes, muffins and juice. She was ravished, so she looked at all three plates and made a determination. Papa bears plate was WAY too full, Momma bears plate was cold, but baby bears plate was JUST right. She sat down and scarfed up all his food in about a minute. It was delicious.


    After eating, sleep overcame her so she decided to lie down. Papa bear’s bed was WAY too big, Momma bear’s bed was unmade and still too big, but baby bears bed was JUST the right size. (Of course).


    When the bears arrived home, momma bear, being a CIA operative, sniffed the air and said, ”I smell a HUMAN in here”. Quietly she took out her Glock 23 and moved to the kitchen. She could tell that baby bear’s food was all gone,so like a Ninja, she snuck into the bedroom and there she spotted Rosie Red fast sleep on baby bear’s bed.


    She was about to Cap her and then EAT her when papa bear came running into the bedroom showing his teeth, and well, growling like a bear. Rosie Red immediately woke up and RAN to the kitchen where she had stored two gallons of ice cream. Immediately, she grabbed the Rocky Road and Mint Chocolate Chip and offered it to the bears.


    Momma bear slowly put down her gun and replaced it with a huge scoop of Mint Chocolate ice cream. Papa bear and baby bear joined in as the four of them sat down and talked.


    After a long conversation, papa and momma bear invited Rosie Red to stay with them in their new home that papa was going to build. She was so happy, she had no words. She just ran up and hugged all three of them. Papa built that beautiful estate and momma bear got her Stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops, and duel sinks in the bathroom. Everyone was happy and lived happily ever after.



    ******MORAL******
    If you’re a red headed chick who likes to snoop around, you better have plenty of ice cream at your disposal…


    Until Later
    ;) ;) ;)




Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:


I am 30 year old man who has an ex-girl friend that just won’t leave me alone. We were engaged for about 2 months when I realized that she was not the one for me.


I told her that in person without trying to be offensive, but she just doesn’t want to leave it alone. I have since met and married the girl of my dreams, but Sophia, (not real name), keeps sending me messages on Facebook and calling my phone.


I have unfriended her from Facebook and have even purchased a new number, but now, she drives by my apartment all the time. Please help me as I love my new wife very much and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.


Squeezed In



Dear Squeezed In:


Sounds like you have a real KOOKOO bird on your hands. If you can approach her, tell her once and for all that you’re married now and that you want no more contact with her. If she doesn’t listen, threaten her with a Mob hit.Noooo…..Just kidding, tell her that you will have to pursue it with the police. I THINK she’ll get the idea.

I wish you Luck!!! 

My Lust

 https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4049/4309475327_43a1dd79f1.jpg

Sensual

Uncontrolled…Playful…

Passionate…Sexual… Mysterious…

Wet…Delicious…Hot… Never ending…

Rough…Tender…Soft…Submissive…Dominatrix

Soft Sensuous Lips…Wet Tongue…Long Fingernails…Ample Breasts…Tight Ass

Creamy Delicious Pie…Succulent Smells…Heavy Breathing…Moaning into the Darkness…Climax… Ultimate Satisfaction

Come Join Me!!!

Until Later

Airplane Ditties From The Flight Crews

  1. 10287760-crazy-plane.jpg

    I fly a lot so these really cracked me up. I hope you enjoy them…

    Airline Announcements

    United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

    *************************************

    ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

    *************************************

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
    Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

    ***************************************

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’

    *******************************************

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis , a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’

    *************************************

    Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

    *************************************

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’

    ***********************************

    ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

    ***********************************

    ‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses……except for that gentleman over there.’

    ******************************************

    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’

    ****************************************

    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

    ****************************************

    Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.’

    ****************************************

    Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.’

    ****************************************

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!’

    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
    A passenger in Coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!

Just Ask Sooz

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a 31 year old woman who as an embarrassing question to ask. My husband is older than I am by 15 years and he has started to have erectile dysfunction problems.

He is a very proud man and really doesn’t want to take Viagra on a regular basis. Our sex life was always great up until about 6 months ago when he started to have trouble.

His Dr. has prescribed the medication for him, but, he is very uneasy about taking it, saying he feels he should be able to satisfy me without drugs. I have told him time and time again that I love him and that as you age, sometimes these things just happen.

I am considering just slipping the medication into his orange juice or coffee so he doesn’t know that he is getting his erection from the little blue pill. What is your opinion on this?

Deflated ego

 

Dear deflated:

If your husband is only 46, there can be many things causing his deflated member. It could be due to prescription medications, stress, anxiety, over tiredness, or many other factors.

I suggest he go to a Urologist and have a thorough exam done. This will insure there are no physical reasons for his problem. If everything is OK, then, see if he will see a counselor who may be able to detect one of the other problems I was referring to earlier.

If all else fails, discuss it with him about how taking Viagra to get an erection is no big deal for you. Tell him that you love him and that you just want to have your normal sex life back. Good luck…

 

The Airplane Ride

Recently, while traveling to Seattle for a training session for some marketing executives, I thought about some of the funny things I saw happen on the plane. I don’t know, maybe I was just bored, but, I heard and observed some funny things, at least “to me”, when I was on the plane.

Realize that I fly a LOT so… All at once these things just hit my funny bone.

  • People entering the plane— Because I am usually one of the first ones on the plane, I have a chance to be a people watcher. Now here’s the thing, there are usually around 200 seats on the plane so EVERYONE has a chance to get a seat.

 

On comes a husband and wife, the plane is still nearly empty and they  stand right in the middle of the isle looking for the PERFECT seat. In the meantime, people are boarding the plane waiting and waiting for Mr. and Mrs. Perfect seat taker, to FIND their perfect seat.

 

Finally, the husband picks the perfect seat, and the wife, GETS him up saying no, “SHE DOESN’T WANNA SIT THERE”. IN the meantime, chaos is breaking out behind them as there is a line longer than the Equator waiting. Finally, they sit and now everyone is RUSHING to the back of the plane as if there is a gold fortune hidden inside the lavatory. Ay Carumba!!!

 

  • The preflight talk—This is THE funniest part of the plane ride. 200 people on board while the safety talk goes on and they are TOTALLY oblivious. Some are sleeping, some are reading, and some are using the safety cards as fans, NO ONE CARES.

My favorite is when they talk about the oxygen masks falling in the event of cabin pressure change. “Just hold them over your face and breathe NORMALLY”. SERIOUSLY???????????????? Yeah, maybe once you stop SCREAMING… In the meantime, people are just snoring away… Sometimes I think I would be the only person on board who survives because “I” know where the EMERGENCE EXITS and LIFE PRESERVERS are.

  • Exiting the plane—This is too hilarious. Once again, you have 200 people ALL trying to be the FIRST off the plane. You would think that the freakin’ plane had crashed by the way they IMMEDIATELY get up and RACE for the exit door. Sit a while people, what’s the damn rush? Can you imagine having a fire drill in the plane??? Ay Carumba…

The next time you’re on a plane notice these things and see if it doesn’t crack you up.

Until Later…

Crows and Trucks

https://sociallyuncensored.eu/attachments/crowa-jpg.24690/I just received this and thought I would put it on the wire so you would ALL know…

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “TRUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Amazing!