Just Ask Sooz

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I need to ask you a question. What credentials do you have to be able to just dish out advice? If my understanding is correct, you are a CEO and not a psychiatrist or psychologist. You are not a Dr., and as such, should not be doling out medical advice either.

Where do you get off answering the people who write hoping that you will solve all their problems? I, for one, am extremely upset that you would even consider giving advice to others as it seems you can’t even maintain order in your own life.

Name Withheld by Request


Dear Name Withheld by Request:

While it is true that I am NOT a Dr., and have no psychology or psychiatry degree, I minored in both pathological and clinical psychology. I have studied people for years and seem to have a knack for knowing what’s wrong and then trying to help them.

Keep in mind that neither Ann Landers nor her sister, Dear Abby had any type of psychological degree, yet, they still tried to help people and were glib giving it.

Al I can say in my defense is that many people have written me back after I have “doled” out my advice saying that it helped them. I am sorry you feel the way you do, but I totally understand what you are saying and certainly have every right to voice your opinion. Thank you…


Why Must There be so Many of This Kind of Funeral

Sargeant David Wyatt will be laid to rest today after a brutal attack on recruitment centers in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Three other brave soldiers, a sailor, and a police officer were either wounded or killed in the attack.

First, let us offer up a moment of silence for ALL these brave, yet fallen victims. Just another reason why guns should only be used by those who protect us, or need them for life sustaining food.

This tragedy,  and others like them, were needless and senseless killings. May they all rest in peace, and may we sincerely LEARN from our mistakes. God Bless them!!!!


Square Balls

S quare Testicles

This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish.  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, £165,000′.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.                  
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you £25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the £25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked        the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the  Bank of Ireland.’

Good Luck Be always With Ya!!!!!!

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

Thanks so much! It’s kind of lengthy but I could really use some input.

This guy (27) dated my older sister (24) for about 3 years. Last year, she came out as lesbian to everyone and they broke up but have remained close friends (and roommates). This year, him and I (22) had grown close, and he ended up telling me he was in love with me. I told him I loved him too.

I talked to my older sister about this and she said she was more than happy for us. So we tried it out for a couple weeks but I then realized I was in love with his personality but not physically attracted to him.

This ended in April. He and my younger sister start hanging talking quite often. I don’t think anything of it because we have all been friends since he began dating our oldest sister. Two weeks ago, we were all hanging out and he keeps flirting with my younger sister (18) talking all cutesy and trying to cuddle.

I held it together until my younger sister left then I told him I didn’t want to be friends with him anymore and I left. I don’t know why I feel so upset about all of this but it has been eating me at my core for the past two weeks.

I catch myself randomly thinking about it throughout the day and getting upset. I never stay mad for this long.. so I’m wondering, am I the only one that would be mad about this? Am I crazy?


Dear Anonymous:

It seems to me that your anger might be based on the fact that you once cared for him. My thoughts are that you were were OK with your older sister dating him because it went on for a long time.

Then, you became involved with him and eventhough you broke it off, you were still carrying some feelings for him. When he started becoming affectionate with your sister,, this stirred yur emotional flame and you became jealous. This is perfectly natural.

Let some time pass and you will feel much better, PLUS, with the age difference, it probably won’t last anyway. Good Luck…


Drunk Again


For those of you who read me, you know I am a drunk, (Alcoholic). Over a year ago, I entered into a treatment facility and while difficult, I got clean. I have a confession to make, while I was in Europe, I slipped a little bit and got drunk daily for about a week.

I know, I know, I hear what you’re saying, “Sooz, what the HELL is wrong with you?” Honestly, I couldn’t help it. I met this BEAUTIFUL woman and well, (You know how I am with beautiful women), she invited me out for a drink.

Now, I had PLANNED on just having iced tea, BUT, when we got there, SHE took control and ordered us two martinis. I was doomed, I just couldn’t bring myself to turn this lovely vision down, so I accepted, and drank it.

Well, you know ME, one is just never enough, I ordered two more, then two more after that and the night went on. I could feel from that FIRST drink that I was back on the treadmill again.

We shared a wonderful evening, (I think), as I woke up in her bed the next day. For breakfast, we had bagels and lemon vodka shots. I was doomed. I swore to myself that I was ONLY going to have ONE, but then, well, you can figure out the rest of the story, as her hands softly massaged my breasts, and back to bed again we fell in drunken stupors.

This went on for an entire week until we got to Sweden, where she was staying. Half buzzed, I wished her well and continued on my merry way. Each day I drank, but tried to get less and less drunk. Finally, on the thirteenth day, I had made it BACK to the beginning of sobriety again. Let us only HOPE it REMAINS that way…

Thanks for listening…

Until Later…


Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

Yesterday, was our 21st. wedding anniversary and my husband completely forgot. I am pissed Sooz, and I am thinking of withholding sex as a reminder of what a stupid uncaring ass he is.

He would always be very caring and attentive to my birthdays and our wedding anniversaries, but within the last couple of years, it’s as if he doesn’t care. Do you think there is something wrong with our marriage or what? I’ll admit, since we have gotten older, our sex life hasn’t been hat it used to be, but, I always seemed to think he was OK with it.

Can you help me here?

Distressed in Detroit


Dear Distressed in Detroit:

Honey, unless your husband is a hundred years old, that male drive of his may have slowed, but it is STILL alive and well in his penis. Try to rekindle that flame again. Buy some new lingerie; cook his favorite dinner, light some candles, and tell him that he is the MOST exciting man in the world, even IF he looks like King Kong.

It’s ALL about the male ego baby. Show him that you still want and need him. Whisper sweet bullshit nothings in his ear and tell him that he is the only man on this planet for you. If you continuously keep this up, I guarantee, he will NEVER forget another anniversary. Good luck…



Gear Up for Ice Cream Day

Tuesday, July 7th. is National Ice Cream Day. That’s right America, for all you tongue licking, lip smackin’ cold, get down into over 1000 different kinds of ice cream, it’s YOUR day.

Hot day, cold day, rain, wind, or snowing, if you’re an ice cream lover, you’ll be sucking on some of that creamy taste of Heaven. For me, my favorite is Rocky Road; you can BET your last dollar, MY lips will be around some of that goodness.

 Ice Cream Facts:

  1. 90% of Americans like ice cream.
  2. The country with the MOST ice cream consumption is New Zealand, followed by the USA.
  3. The tallest ice cream ever scooped was from Italy—Over 9 ft. tall.
  4. Most of the vanilla used to make ice cream comes from Madagascar and Indonesia.
  5. The most popular ice cream topping is…(Drum Roll Please…) Chocolate Syrup.

So on July 7th. I want you to run to your stores, or Dairy Queens, or, Ben and Jerry’s and buy your favorite ice cream treat. Start your mouths watering.

Until Later…

What Does The Forth of July Mean to Americans

Image result for minutemen

So, (Don’t ya just hate that when somebody opens with that?), exactly what IS The Forth of July anyway? Well, yes, it IS the day after the third, of course, but most of us remember it for family gatherings, eating all kinds of goodies fresh off the Bar-B-Q, and who can forget all those wonderful loud, ear splitting fireworks? Oh yeah, it’s ALSO the birthday of our Country.

Let us never forget the men who paid the highest price, so that our TEA wouldn’t be taxed. Seriously…What was England THINKING anyway? How could they POSSIBLY think that we wouldn’t go to war over all that tax on tea? I mean, WE were native Englanders who helped keep the flow and sale of tea going around the world with our three o’clock tea times.

Well, the British got pissed when we threw all their tea over into the Boston harbor, so NATURALLY they had to declare WAR on us. Think about it… A flea bag, small ass country, fresh over from England, against the world’s greatest naval armada of the time. Compared to them, we were fighting with pea shooters and water balloons…And YET, we prevailed. We are STILL not being told what was IN those balloons…

It just goes to show what belief in one’s self, determination, and LOTS of whiskey can do to help win a war. I hope all of you and your families have a very Happy Fourth of July, and may you all get to take your 3:00 PM tea time…

Until Later…



Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

After reading your column for a couple of years now, you seem to be very well versed in the problems people have with their sex lives. I am a 33 year old woman who has just come into her own regarding the joy of sex.

Honestly Sooz, I never really thought about sex much, or enjoyed a lot of pleasure from it until just recently. Now, all I seem to think about and crave is sex.

I wake up, have to masturbate, go to work, and many times even have to go to a stall there to masturbate. I seem to be seeking men out not just to date, but to have sex with them. There is no fourth or fifth date rule with me; I instigate it until I get what I need.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been with several different men before this all happened, I just never seemed to get the pleasure I am receiving now. Is there something wrong with me? Am I somehow oversexed now? What the Hell is going on?

Hot To Trot


Dear Hot To Trot:

There could be MANY reasons for this to happen, one of which is absolutely normal. As a woman reaches her thirties, many times she comes into her own sexually, and things drastically change for her. She may very well experience more pleasure during sex and may even crave it more.

It could also be a physical problem caused by overactive hormones in your body. Just to be sure though, I would visit your Gynecologist or a Urologist to check things out.

Hope things turn out OK for you, but for now, “Keep Banging Away at it”…