Ten Things Woman Think About

1.   Do I look FAT in these pants? If I DO…Who can I Bitch at to make me feel better about MYSELF???

2.   Why do men always have to HINT at getting in our pants with sexual innuendos? All they really have to do is buy us dinner, take us dancing, be sweet to us, tell us they love us, marry us, and then do what ever we tell them for the rest of their lives.

3.   OMG…Is that a HAIR I see on my chin, am I growing a freakin’ beard? Shall I shave, pluck it, or wax it…Decisions…Decisions..

4.   Do I have the shoes to match this dress ’cause Penny’s is having a sale. Oh wait, so is Target, Sears, Macys, and Nordstrom’s.

5.   If I like him, should I sleep with him on the first date?  Should I wear my sexiest bra and panties, AND shave my legs “Just In Case”…???    

6.   I KNOW my shoe size is a seven, BUT, I REALLY think I can squeeze it into these pretty six and a halfs…

7.   If I get drunk will he take advantage of me, I HOPE so? OK… ALL women may NOT think this but I do…

8.   Do my boobs make my ass look big?

9.   Just because I made a left hand turn from the right hand lane DOSEN’T give him the right to say I’m a BAD driver.

10.  I WONDER if I could ACTUALLY bounce quarters off his ass…Hmmmm…          

If You Smelt It…You Dealt It

I wanna talk about something that is near and dear to my heart, well, more precisely, closer to my booty.  OK, it actually comes out of my booty. NO SILLY, I’m not talking about THAT, I’m talking about breaking wind, passing the gas station, tooting, oh HELL….I’m talking about FARTS!!!!!!!!

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The main known offenders of this heinous act are men. Now, I’m not saying that us gentle female types can’t occasionally knock one out of the park, butt (no pun intended…OK, I did intend it ), this loud noised , and horrifically pungent smelling deed is usually the work of men.

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Now I ask you, why is that? Why is it that men actually have farting CONTESTS to see who can rip one the loudest, or who can create the biggest stench? Not only that, they actually think that this type of behavior is funny…WTF!!!!! Is it me, my gender, or is there something seriously wrong with the male species?

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Men, come on, IT’S NOT FUNNY. It’s disgusting. I was on a bus the other day and a man sitting next to me let one go with a large  “aromatic ” intensity that just about sent the entire bus into wishing they had brought their gas masks. He just looked at me and SMILED, HE SMILED, like it was the funniest thing in the world. I didn’t even get an excuse me, or,  I’m sorry I wiped out three fifths of the bus..

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OK, one more thing, if you do happen to let one go, at least own it. Don’t just sit there squirming in your seat or look suspiciously at someone else hoping that people will think that someone else did it. WE KNOW IT WAS YOU BOZO, we could see it from the guilty look on your ass (assuming I was looking at his ass which I wasn’t )……blushes…..

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Well, at least I got that off my ass, I mean my chest. Next time, I’ll discuss mens pissing contests, one of my favorite subjects. Until next time then.

P.S. No angry letters guys, this was only written in fun..

Until Later…

 

Spam Spam Spam Spam…Sing It With Me…

Tonight I’m going to talk about something near and dear to my heart…Spam. Now I’m not talking about computer spam, I’m talking about the real deal here, I mean the Cadillac of lunch meats, wait for it…..SPAM.

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Now I know what you’re thinking, why on God’s green Earth would ANYONE wanna talk about a lunch meat in their blog? Well, I must admit, I just read a blog about COMPUTER spam and the way my mind works, it just NATURALLY went to the Mighty Python Spam song. Yup, that article, written about Computer spam ( A very funny piece, so much so that I almost peed myself ). Actually, now that I feel, I believe I DID wet myself, ANYWAY, I thought it might be fun to write about Spam.

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Once upon a time , in a land far far away, (No wait, that’s a different story ),There was a German guy by the name of Hormel that took chopped pork shoulder meat, added a tiny bit of ham, added salt (so it would taste good), and potato starch as a binder. He ground it all up (yummy), and packed it tighter than my ASS on date night, and then called it Hormel’s spiced ham. WTF????? HELLO……it’s mostly pork?????

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           IS THAT MEAT??????

Making a long story short (no longer possible), the name wasn’t to popular and they finally changed it to:

Something Posing As Meat”, “Specially Processed Artificial Meat”, “Stuff, Pork and Ham”, “Spare Parts Animal Meat” and “Special Product of Austin Minnesota”. OK, I lied about those names, they really just called it plain old boring Spam, I just couldn’t help myself, again, my eviltwin has rubbed off on me.

Today, spam is sold all over the world, unfortunately, it is only eaten in Siberian prison camps as sustenance to just keep the prisoners alive.

So now you know the entire history of Spam. Oh, by the way, if you don’t believe me and look this up in Wikipedia, just remember that this may NOT be a reliable source of reference, (looks the other way).

Hey, after talking about this food, I’m hungry, anyone want a sandwich?

 

 Internet Dating…WTF???

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Recently I decided to try internet dating (Ohhhhh Boy). The thing is, I work a lot and don’t usually have the time for OLD FASHIONED DATING; you know, going to a seedy bar, getting rambling drunk and then waking up in someone Else’s bed and pregnant. OK, in all fairness, it doesn’t have to be a seedy bar.

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Anyway, I answered all the questions asked to match you with Prince Charming then waited for a response. Within a day I had 42 inquires from my profile. I thought DAMN, this internet thing is great, why didn’t I do this before?

Then, I found out WHY. People LIE!!! Ya really, I’m not kidding. When I did MY profile, I answered everything honestly, I provided an actual picture of myself, and expected my perspective Prince to do the same. Boy, I had no idea what I was getting into.

Over a couple of months I must have agreed to go out with 3 or 4 Princes. Well, let me tell you, almost every Adonis looking picture on line turned out to be either Short, Bald, or down right Ugly. Now, I’m not a woman who goes just for physical attraction, BUT, DAMN, at LEAST have a personality.

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One guy bored me to tears, literally, he talked about the benefits of internal design capabilities for 2 hours…..WHAT?????? I mean I love talking about internal design capabilities as well as the next girl but COME ON……Just SHOOT me now. Finally, I explained that I was coming down with a slight case of Bubonic Plague and needed to go.

Another Prince took me to a fast food type restaurant for dinner and then to some GUY flick with car chases, killing, and lots of sex. I actually didn’t mind the sex parts. 🙂 After that he started talking to me a lot about well….you know, sleeping with me. He asked me if I used protection and I told him YOU BETCHA, I carry a 44 Magnum in my purse and if he even TRIED to touch me, I’d blow MR. WEE WEE into a million LITTLE wee wees. That date wasn’t going anywhere either. When he took me home and tried to give me a goodnight kiss, I pushed him away saying that there was a lot of garlic on those cheese fries and I just didn’t feel right about kissing garlic breath….Geeeeeez.

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My last date took me to a bar and he ordered drinks. He said he didn’t drink and drive so I shouldn’t worry. He ordered 5 or 6 rounds more. I was feelin’ REAL good and he was really drunk too. I got bold (from my liquid courage) and I asked him, “I thought you said you don’t drink and drive”, he replied by saying ” I don’t, I only drink IN the bar”, so technically he doesn’t drink WHILE driving. I was scared to death so I told him so and staggered off to a cab to take me home.

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Now….Is it ME or is Internet dating for the birds? I think I’m just going back to The Old Fashioned Method. Talk to you all later…..

Until next time.

Oh boy…Where …

Oh boy…Where do I start on this one. Thinking…Thinking…Hmmmmm.
Oh wait (Jumps up and down), I got one…Boobs, yes, that’s right…Boobs.

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Let’s cut straight to the chase and be honest here…Men think that because we have boobs, we can rule the world. Actually they’re RIGHT but we just never let on now do we? We just sit back coyly and demurely and pump out our God given Twosome Talents when we wanna get their attention. Thank God men are such shallow creatures. Guys…We love ya but Puhleeese, our EYES are up HERE!!!!

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Ladies Night… Don’t deny it guys, I’m forever hearing you gripe that we get free drinks, or half price drinks on ladies night. Hey…It’s TRUE but think about it, you can get us really drunk for free and we MAY even let you STARE at our boobs WITHOUT breaking a bottle and stabbing you with sharp shards of glass. OK…That was a little extreme, how about just letting you ogle our boobs without severe eye rolling or tongue lashing?

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Hey…How about the art of conversation? Come on guys, admit it, you KNOW we possess a much higher degree of communication skills necessary for getting to the root of problems. Now…What I’m saying is that I am SURE that some of you out there ARE more than just monosyllabic communicators, SOME can even string interesting sentences TOGETHER like when at a bar: “I like, (as he points to our breasts), followed by wanna go?” I mean HOW endearing?

We on the other hand like to get the in depth story about the man or woman that we are seeing. We wanna know about his earning potential, his commitment level, his family history, has he ever been convicted of any crimes, even what his favorite meal and TV programs are. OK…We MAY tend to go the other end of the spectrum here, but at least we can keep the conversation GOING for more than “Can I buy you a drink.”

 

Last but not lest, ALL guys think that we have the advantage when it comes to controlling the bedroom. For example, if we say any form of the word no, then oh well, too bad guys, maybe tomorrow night. On the other hand, if for some reason the guy turns YOU down, (Probably NEVER gonna happen…I’m just sayin’), BUT if this turn about DID happen, all you have to do is just wait ten minutes, stick out your twins and ask again. You KNOW what I’m talkin’ about here ladies. 🙂

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Until Later…

 

Ass Man/Boob Man–Ass Woman/Six Pack

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Ass Man/Boob Man–Ass Woman/Six Pack

OK…We haven’t had any real disgustingly course and plain outright arousing posts so I thought I would write one. For years (I’ll admit it), I have been an Ass Woman. Now, that doesn’t mean that I certainly don’t enjoy a good six pack either ( I’m talking about hard bods, NOT beer), Gheese.

I must admit I am a sucker for a nice small tight ass. If you own a nice tight ass I COULD be yours for the night. Sooooooo, I am taking a little survey here…How many our you guys have tight little buns…Noooo, that wasn’t it Sue, back on point here, how many of you guys are boob men and how many are ass men.

Ladies…I would love to hear from YOU too…Six Packs or tight little asses. I ANXIOUSLY await your responses.  Don’t be shy now come on, let’s hear it…Ass/Boobs—Ass/Six Packs… Oh come on now….It’s JUST a fun survey, and MAYBE, I can even get a date. *Smiles*

Until Later…

A Night On The Town

 

So…How times has THIS happened to you?

 

 

You’re at a bar with your girlfriends and the next thing you remember, someone is singing Braham’s Lullaby into your ear telling you it’s time to go home. I must admit, I have been this girl far to often than I would like to admit.

Now, does this mean I’m an alcoholic, or perhaps a DRUNK, (An alcoholic who doesn’t ATTEND meetings), I think NOT…At least that’s what I’M going with. I believe that you could call people like the woman in this picture, ME, and others, “Good Timers”…That’s right, say it WITH me…”Good Timers”. We are people that like to go out, have a COUPLE of drinks, DANCE the night away, and well, just have a good time.

 

Personally, I don’t think that is such a big deal, do YOU? I mean it’s NOT like I’m getting drunk every night and sleeping with three or four guys. OK…I did that JUST a COUPLE of times but in my defense….Hmmmm, OK, so I don’t HAVE a defense, but it was STILL only a COUPLE of times.

 

Anyway, if you are looking for a “Good Timer” redhead who likes to party, call me sometime, my phone number is listed under sensual females. I will be dressed ( Or Undressed), and ready to go. Oh, and by the way, make sure you know Braham’s Lullaby so you can wake me when it’s time to go home.

 

Until Later…

How To Give Your Dog or Cat a Pill

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Trying to give your dog or cat a pill is like trying to get a 100 year old man’s penis hard. Sorry…The devil made me type that…REALLY!!!. Damn…Now I lost my train of thought, Oh yeah, giving dogs or cats pills.

This subject has been widely studied by many successful vets across the world, and to my knowledge, there STILL is no easy way to make this happen. Oh sure, you might have a dog or cat that is a stupid as toast and just eat it, but usually, this is NOT the case.

The more widely accepted phenomenon is that the animal will turn their heads like in the Exorcist, spit and then, start cursing at you. I know, I know, none of us likes to be cursed at, especially by our family pets, so we have to think of inventive ways to administer said medicine without all the drama from Peyton Place.

The following, are ways that after many many years of study seem to work rather well.

1.)   BEG like HELL… Sometimes this works because your pet just likes to feel superior to you, and will just swallow it to show you that HE is the boss.

2.)   Put it in his food. This USUALLY works unless your pet is as smart as Einstein, in which case, he will eat all AROUND the pill and then stare at you as if to say…SERIOUSLY???

3.)   My personal favorite is to use distraction. For example, yell at the top of your lungs, “LOOK…There’s a CAT”, Then, as he starts to bark, put the pill in his mouth. This method however, doesn’t really work that well on cats, because number one, they are smarter than dogs, and two, they DON’T bark.

3.)   Acquire a blow gun, put said pill into it, and then BLOW like an Aborigine hunting the White man. This method certainly DOES work, but, finding the blow gun is tricky.

Last but not least, this is the one that seems to work the best. With two fingers, hold his nose until he HAS to open up his mouth for oxygen. You can then insert the pill WAY down his throat, and then remove your fingers from pinching his nostrils. This will usually do the trick.

Once your dog/cat regains consciousness, Give him several well deserved hugs, and of course, lavish him with copious treats. I hope this has been a help to you.

Until Later…
 

10 Ways To Order a Pizza

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Occasionally, I just like to do things for fun. The following represents just SOME of the ways that I have ordered a pizza.

10.  Pretend or BE EXTREMLY inebriated…This is fun because it puts the burden on the order taker. Usually I will be slurring and I order SEVERAL different ingredients on my Pizza. Always fun to see what I get.

9.   Order a made up ingredient…I LOVE this one, sometimes I will order cheese, pepperoni, and Turnabager. Keep insisting that you want it and talk to the manager if necessary.

8.   In Italian…See how long it takes before they can find an interpreter.

7.   Ask if you can super size it with Fries and a drink…When they say NO, ask WHY and just keep asking like you don’t understand why.

6.   Tell them you want a THICK crust on just HALF of the Pizza and THIN on the other.

5.   After a lengthy order is taken, ask if you can pay by the barter system, when they say NO, tell them you have done it that way there before.

4.   ASK if they deliver…If yes, tell them you want it delivered UNDER the bridge in a ghetto section of your choice.  

3.   Order a Pizza’s and then have it delivered to another Pizza joints address.

2.   Tell the order taker you re playing a joke on your boss, would they add LOTS of Cayenne pepper and jalapeno peppers cut up really small. If Yes, have it delivered as a gift to your boss from XYZ co. I LOVE this one…Hehehehe.

1.   Call and ask if they could make a specialty ‘Hen Way’ Pizza for you, when they ask “What’s a Hen way, you tell them about 3lbs. And hang up…

Oh…If you ever need a Pizza ordered…Just call me…I’ll take good care of you.

Until Later…