Humorous News Stories

 

Life itself is a comedy. Check out some of these articles.

Goodyear Gets A Bit Too Edgy With Lohan Letter

Goodyear, one of the nations leading tire manufactures, has sent celebrities Lindsey Lohan and, Amanda Bynes letters indicating that they will pay the Celebs. for free driving Lessons.

“Nearly identical letters said that they were “sorry to her” about the “latest driving mishap” and they “understand” that “driving can be a real challenge, particularly trying to navigate all of the stop and go traffic in La. And New York City.”

The company THEN offered to fly the actresses out to their headquarters in Akron Ohio for private driving lessons with their Professional drivers.

Now, let me ask you something, these “Professional drivers” are probably ex-race car people who use SPEED to make a living while driving. Raise your hands now, How many people think the NEXT time these Celebs. HIT someone they will be going over a hundred miles an hour AFTER the training. GOOD Idea Goodyear!!! Gheese. For more on this article go to: http://lifeinc.today.com/_news/2012/09/26/14111702-goodyear-gets-edgy-with-lohan-letter-perhaps-too-edgy.

Playboy ranks University of Virginia as No. 1 party school

Playboy recently ranked Colleges for their Parting abilities. Turns out, our Nations Oldest Public University, The University of Virginia is the Nations #1 party school. When questioned about it’s finding, University spokeswoman Marian Anderfuren was quoted as saying, “We’re demanding a recount.” Now EVERY kid in the Country will wanna attend UOV. Hell, kinda makes ME wanna go BACK to school again. For more, visit: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/09/26/14112966-playboy-ranks-university-of-virginia-as-no-1-party-school?

 

POLICE: Florida Man Carjacks Vehicle to Take Pregnant Girlfriend To Hospital

 

Robert Boudreaux, 31, of Deltona allegedly walked into the path of a car to force it to stop, and threatened to shoot the driver if he didn’t give him and his 22-year-old girlfriend a ride. He later forced the driver out at a red light, the sheriff’s office said in a statement, and got behind the wheel. SERIOUSLY??? Now, the guy was charged with carjacking and will have a criminal record. Sometimes ya just have a BAD day!!! For more, read: http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/09/25/14093458-police-florida-man-carjacks-vehicle-to-take-pregnant-girlfriend-to-the-hospital

Until Later…

Hangovers And Cures For Dummies

First, you need a hangover…That’s easy, just follow my simple steps and you’ll be so drunk, you will indeed cause a hangover.

          I KNOW i CAN MAKE IT TO THE TOILET

Step 1.    Take your favorite alcoholic drink whether it’s beer, White Russians, or Vodka and Cranberry like me and drink like a fish.

Step 2.    When you can no longer remember WHY you’re doing this, there’s a good chance your drunk. This is also true if you can no longer pronounce the word CAT. You can tell when I’m drunk because I tend to get a little, (OK…a LOT slutty), and will probably tell you that you are the cutest, sweetest, and most loving person I happen to be next to at the time.

Step 3.    Once your good and drunk, I always feel like it’s time to go home, with or without said drinking partner. Call a cab, go home, then get into bed (preferably with your clothes off), although in my case it never seems to happen that way unless my drinking buddy has accompanied me home and has done the honors FOR me.

Step 4.    Wait until morning. Now, if you’re like me, you will probably curse the first light that comes through your window. Next…You say in a very soft voice, “What the HELL did I DO last night?” However, as hard as you try, you won’t remember. Hopefully your friends will all call you later just to fill you in and then LAUGH at you.

OK…Here is where you need some hangover advise so you are able to get your clothes on, or off depending, without hurting your entire body.

Hangover Cure #1.    Don’t EVER drink again. I don’t know HOW many times I have tried and failed at this one.

Hangover Cure #2.    Hair of the dog…This is actually not the Hair from your Dog so don’t chase down Arfie trying to shave him. This is the same drink you had last night that caused the hangover. I can’t seem to do this one either ‘cause I usually just keep on drinking until I have no Hangover, BUT, I’m drunk again.

Hangover Cure #3.    Drink lots of water and take lots of aspirin. This may not help right away, BUT, the water and aspirin may make you Hurl and then you will feel better.

Hangover Cure #4.    Blend 1 egg with orange juice, milk, and Tabasco sauce. I Know right, sounds disgusting BUT…It actually works. Don’t have any idea why, but it does.

Hangover Cure #5.    Go back to bed and sleep like there was no tomorrow, Then, get up and repeat the process all over again tonight.

I hope this has been helpful to all.

Until Later…

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. Every time my boyfriend and I make love, he HUMS Yankee Doodle. It was OK the FIRST 100 times, but NOW it’s getting VERY annoying. I love my boyfriend and would HATE to hurt his feelings. What can I do?

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Dear Yankee Doodle:

I can certainly understand why that would be annoying. Does he at least hum it ON KEY, and, IS he a good lover? Now…IF he is a good lover and you want to continue making love with him, try what I’m going to recommend. Pick a song that is SO annoying No One on God’s Green Earth could stand it. I can recommend a couple.

 First try ANY Justin Bieber song. IF, (For some unknown reason) he happens to be a fan, I would SERIOUSLY rethink your relationship. No one who TRULY likes Justin Bieber is mature enough to be in ANY kind of a relationship.

If THAT doesn’t work, try humming Row Row Row Your Boat OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER. UNLESS he is a TROGLODYTE (Great word Right), he should get the idea and SHUT THE HELL UP. If NEITHER of these things work, odds are you are better off DUMPING his SORRY ASS. My guess is that he probably doesn’t even have the brainpower of a Flea. Good Luck!

Dear Sooz:

Every night right after my girlfriend and I make love, she IMMEDIATELY falls asleep and starts SNORING. She is VERY loud and it sounds like DYNAMITE going off in my ears. What should I do?

Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless:

As I see it in my infinite wisdom, you have THREE alternatives.

1. Keep her awake ALL night by placing tiny pins in the mattress on HER side of the bed pricking side upwards. This way you should be able to sleep just fine.

2. Tell her lazy, thoughtless little ASS to go to an Ear Nose and Throat Dr. She probable has a severe DEVIATED SEPTUM and needs surgery. Tell her it’s YOUR way or the Highway.

3. Sleep in different TOWNS. This MAY place a slight damper on your relationship but HEY…You’ll be getting all the sleep you need.

Good Luck!!!

Until Later…

Sex In The Olympics

The Olympics has been around for ohhhh I don’t know, since the FIRST Chicken crossed the road I think. In ALL those years, WHY haven’t they added SEX as an Olympic sport? I mean think about it, it’s competitive, physical, and Hell it’s even RATED so WHY the HELL isn’t it considered part of the games?

Actually, there could be several different events, the Gay and Lesbian event, the Straight Sex event, and even the different POSITIONS event. OMG!!! It just boggles the mind.

                                              This was rated a SIX

Can’t you just see it now:

Announcer:

“Well Marcie, here we are at the Six Hundred and Fiftieth Olympic Games. It sure is gonna be a good one this year. We have EVERY Country IMAGINABLE coming this year to take part in the NEW sport…Competitive SEX.” “Let’s go to one of our contestants now from Gamfuckastan and see how THEY feel about this new event.”

Announcer:

“Tell me Mr. Bugfuckalot, who do you see as your fiercest competitors?”

Mr. Bugfuckalot:

“Well Pepper, I think that the Americans or the French have a good HANDLE on this event. I see them practicing EVERYWHERE.” Just this morning, I saw a couple having sex on a seesaw.” They were REALLY goin’ at it, Up and Down, Up and Down, I didn’t think they would EVER stop.”

Announcer:

“What do you think is gonna be the most COVETED position?”

Mr Bugfuckalot:

It’s HARD to say, I think the Cowgirl position is probably the odds on favorite.” “Lots of Yee Hawin’ and Ride ‘em Cowboy noises goin’ on in the Hotel rooms.”

Announcer:

“How are they gonna grade them?”

Mr. Bugfuckalot:

“Well Pepper, It’s graded on three things:”

* Amount of Noise made in Decibels Moaning
* How LONG they can go before Orgasming
* Whether or NOT they immediately fall ASLEEP afterwards

Announcer:

“Well, I’ve heard that the Americans have a slight disadvantage on the third one.”

Mr. Bugfuckalot:

“They DO Pepper, MOST of the partners so far have fallen asleep IMMEDIATELY afterwards.

Announcer:

“ I wanna thank you Mr. Bugfuckalot for stopping by and giving our viewers a little update on the event.”

Mr. Bugfuckalot:

” Your more than welcome Pepper, thank you for having me.”

Anyway, the Olympics is ONLY a short 4 years away, so, let’s get a letter writing campaign going and see if we can have it entered for the next Olympics. I have to go now…Gotta Practice…

Until Later…

The Masturbation Proclamation

                                Don’t spank me or I’ll GRAB Mr. Happy

Recently I read a funny article on Spanking the Monkey or Male Masturbation. It made me wonder about this often considered TABOO subject.  Now, for those of you who know me, you KNOW there is NO TABOO subject that I will NOT talk about. So, without further adieu, let’s dive right in and take a good look at both Male AND Female masturbation.

First order of business, Who masturbates MORE? Go ahead…Take a guess. If you guessed MEN, then you would be right. In a recent clinical study by “The Big Bang Group”, it showed that 7 out of 10 men masturbated BUT, only 5 out of 10 women. Obviously only FIVE out of TEN Women actually ANSWERED this question.

Interestingly enough, while MORE men Masturbate, Women on the other hand, have the distinct honor of masturbating MORE FREQUENTLY than their male counterparts. That’s right baby…We GET IT ON more than guys do. Do you know why? It’s because…Oh I’m sorry, go ahead and answer you eager Beavers. If you said it’s because we can have MULTIPLE ORGASMS in a very short period of time, you would be correct. This is not to say that Men don’t ENJOY it JUST as much, They just can’t ENJOY it as many TIMES as we can.

                Fifth Times The Charm

So, why is this such a TABOO topic? Everyone DOES it, well, ALMOST everyone. Why are we so afraid to talk about it? Think about it, when we are with our Guy or Gal friends we can’t seem to SHUT UP about our SEXUAL encounters. Why is this such a deep and dark secret. Hey, I’m not saying we should get together over drinks and talk about how many times we got ourselves off, I’m just saying we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it.

Masturbation is actually a GOOD thing. It has several benefits that can be derived from the act.

* It helps us “Discover” our sexual triggers and makes us more aware of our bodies. We can tell our partners just how we like to be touched. For ME, it really doesn’t matter however, all you have to do is LOOK at my Nether Region lovingly and I will have an Orgasm.

* It improves sleep–Zzzzzzzzzz…Sorry, nodded off there.

* It Creates a sense of well being– Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

* It relieves tension and the stresses of the day–Oh yeah baby DE-STRESSES me.

Most important though…IT FEELS GOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

The following are some of the Myths thought to be associated with masturbation:

* Growing hair on your palms–Only if done 5 times daily and over many years. Pace yourselves accordingly.

* Going Blind–Again…ONLY if you get the semen in your eyes.

* Makes your sex organs shrink or change color–I’ve ALWAYS been curious as to WHAT color they change to. Maybe a nice Fuchsia or pretty Robin Egg Blue.

* Causes Mental Illness–OK…The jury is STILL out on this one and don’t argue with me or I’ll CUT ya.

* Stunts growth–PULLLLEEEEEASE!!!!! We ALL shrink as we get older, it has NOTHING to do with masturbating 8 times a day (Oops!!!), I don’t THINK???!!!???
 
So…There you have it. There is NOTHING to worry about. I suggest we all retire to our bedrooms or favorite toilets and just RELIEVE some stress. Nice talking with ya.

Until Later…

Sex and The Single Gal

Today I want to talk bout what’s near and dear to all of us…SEX. Being single in today’s fast paced world is definitely NOT easy. Getting LAID is NOT as easy as everyone assumes by watching TV.

                          CAN I Get LAID Tonight?

Let’s face it, EVERYBODY on TV is getting it, EVERYBODY. It really doesn’t matter whether you’re watching a Dr. show, or a Cop show, EVERYBODY seems to be doing it in some unusual places. Tell me, am I RIGHT?

Storage rooms, supply closets, I men YOU think about it and someone is getting their NETHER regions slapped and tickled. Guess what, in REAL life…HELLLLLLLLO, it’s NOT like that.

Take ME for instance, (PLEASE), I couldn’t resist, I absolutely LOVE SEX, BUT, do you see me with MY skirt up over my head in some dirty supply closet??? NO!!!

So what’s the REAL truth here folks? Getting Laid is HARD. Oh I know what you’re thinking, “But Sue, just show us you’re interested and we would be HAPPY to oblige you.” BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

OK, I am not the most SUBTLE woman in the world, (Could you tell), But even ‘I’ have a hard time getting Mr. Happy to come out to play. You know WHY, Society that’s why. Yup, even though we have just about every pill and tool out there known to man so we can’t get pregnant, Guys are still a little shy.

Oh sure, sometimes we may FORGET to take our birth control pill a day or so a week but Hey, THAT could happen to anybody RIGHT? Guys, for the MOST part are still shy around women. If you are LUCKY enough to get a womanizer, GREAT, if not, if ya wanna get some ACTION, you have to TAKE some action.

Now, just WHAT do I mean by that? Well, you have to SHOW the guy you’re interested. Laugh at all his silly jokes, keep eye contact, touch his shoulder with your hand, OR…You can just GRAB HIS DICK. Just kidding, sort of, but show him that you WANT it. Whisper in his ear. Say things like… “Hey, I’m horny as HELL and I’d like to get LAID.

OK, again I’m just kidding but GIVE him that “Come On” look in your eyes. Ask him if he’d like to come up for a drink and then change into something a little more comfortable, like your SEXIEST lingerie.

If THAT doesn’t work folks, NOTHING will. Tell him what a great time you had as you stand there with your undies sopping wet, and bid him adieu. Maybe NEXT time will be YOUR time to get LUCKY. I HOPE you found this enlightening.

Until Later…

Disclaimer: The above post was written by a HORN DOG and should NOT be perceived to have the above events taken other than with a grain of HUMOR!!

Mars and Venus for Dummies

The book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” is a funny book describing the differences on how men and women think. I’ve read this book SEVERAL times now trying to figure out what the HELL Men REALLY mean when they say things. To date, I have STILL not figured it out.

Don’t misunderstand me guys, I’m NOT bashing you, I’m SURE that you are wondering the same thing about US. WHY don’t we think the same way? I think it must have been a HUGE COSMIC JOKE in the Universe when we were created. “Hey, I have a thought, let’s create Men to think ONE way, and Women another.” “That way, we can watch them BICKER until the Angels come home.”

I think the key here is to just listen to what they say and then do what EVER the Hell we feel like. That’s what THEY do. I know what you’re thinking here guys, you’re saying. “You DO that anyway.”

So…What can be DONE about all this? How can we all just get along? Over the years, it seems to me that when we are in a loving relationship, SOMEHOW, we all seem to just GET on the same page. Have you ever noticed that?

Maybe it’s the chemicals in our bodies that are ALTERED for this brief time in history. Do you think that’s what makes Both of us ‘UNDERSTAND’ each other better?

Think about it for a minute, for the MOST part, we (Women) don’t like men’s sports. Yet, when we are in LOVE, all of a sudden, in order to be WITH the man we love, we become obsessed with the game. We learn everything we can so we can communicate about it on par with him.

Same thing happens for the guys. Who would EVER think a guy would go to the drug store to get us TAMPONS (Owwwwwww!!!!!!), or hold our dreaded purses when the need arises? I’m tellin’ ya, it’s the LOVE CONNECTION.

AS I see it, there are only Two possibilities here on how to totally ‘GET’ each other.

* One…We turn Gay, this way we are both of the same gender and TOTALLY understand each other anyway.

* Two…Stay in love CONSTANTLY.

Both of these methods seem to fit the general dynamic. So…Which way will YOU go? Good luck. Hopefully, you pick the one that will give you a LIFETIME full of pleasure.

Until Later…

Funny Sounding Foods

Many times when we’re hungry we just pop something in our mouths without really thinking about the NAMES of the foods. The following list are REAL foods in different parts of the world that SOUND Like Dirty words.

* Spotted Dick—No, this isn’t some kind of dreaded MANS Dingleberry disease like Spotted Fever, it’s a British suet pudding dish served with custard usually containing dried fruit.

* Cock-a-Leekie—Nope, not a Leeky penis just after sex or peeing, it’s a favorite Soup of the Scottish peoples with leaks and Chicken stock.

* Toad In The Hole—Oh Boy!!! I SEE you smiling over there!!! No it’s not some perverted species of toad that lives in your vagina. It’s a traditional English dish consisting of sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, usually served with vegetables and onion gravy. Thank GOD!!! Wipes Brow!!!

* Sticky Buns—OK..I MUST admit, I cracked up here too. I just had a mental image of an ass covered in lubricant (Turns head away). Actually, I STILL have that image…GO AWAY NOW. ACTUALLY, it’s a breakfast pastry covered in brown sugar…Somehow, I just can’t SHAKE the FIRST image.

* Matzo-Stuffed Breast—Implants maybe…Hmmmm. Think I’ll stick with SILICONE thank you… This is a Yummy chicken dish with Matzo, lots of veggies and spices. A great Lebanese dish.

* Bangers and Mash—Let your dirty minds just wander with me here people. Actually, it’s an English dish made up of Sausage over Mashed potatos. Mmmmmmm.

* Bubble and Squeek—Sounds like someone just FARTED in the Bathtub filled with bubbles. Well, it’s NOT. It is really an English dish made from the leftovers of a roast. Potatos, and several vegetables can be added for an amazing flavor.
Hmmm…Why does it sound like the English have most of the dirty sounding word dishes??? No damning letters or comments here folks…It’s a HUMOR piece for Pete’s sake. Hopefully, if you have not tried these dishes, you will.

 All these are very tasty. Personally…I just call them different more soothing sounding dishes when I make them. Pick up your forks and well…Enjoy.

Until Later…

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotted_dick
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cock-a-leekie_soup
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toad_in_the_hole
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sticky_bun
Source: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Spiced-Matzo-Stuffed-Chicken-Breasts-242018

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bangers_and_mash
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubble_and_squeak

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am so distraught, my boyfriend and I were making love last night and, well, his “Flagpole” wouldn’t “Stand at Attention”.  I LOVE sex and am very concerned. What shall I do?

Hot to Trot

Dear Hot to Trot:

First off, if you used these expressions with your boyfriend, then STOP!!! Men have a STRONG aversion to MILITARY terms like FLAGPOLE and STAND at ATTENTION. It reminds them they MIGHT be drafted and shipped out. His “Limp Dick” condition could just be aggravated by talking about such things. I suggest you tone these down by using these terms instead.

1. Useless Snake
2. Flaccid Fellow
3. Worthless Piece of Meat

Now, that being said, USUALLY this “Silly Putty” condition is Psychological. UNLESS your boyfriend is on enough pain meds, or blood pressure medication to bring down an ELEPHANT IN HEAT, you need to do what I’m going to suggest.

Sit your boyfriend down, take off his pants, and become eye level with his Dingleberry. Talk directly AT his member while softly stroking his Balls. Tell MR. Flaccid Stick that you love him and that he shouldn’t worry about this happening. Tell him that this DOES happen to most men at one time or another.

As you talk, Start to stroke MR. Happy and keep saying that it’s OK, and that Mamma is going to give him a little one on one attention. Blow on his Balls now and keep stroking Mr. Happy. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with the results. Mr. Happy should now REGAIN his firmness as you sweet talk him like a SNAKE CHARMER watches his snake become like a hardned rope. If this DOESN’T work, Dump his WORTHLESS ASS like a HOT potato and find someone ELSE who can Satisfy you.

Dear Sooz:

My girlfriend and I really love each other but we have different feelings about sex. She, wants to have sex until the COWS come home 24/7. I, on the other hand, am LESS sexually excited unless I’m DRUNK or am wined and dined first. How can we get on the same page here?

Drunk in Denver:

Dear Drunk:

I can TOTALLY understand your concerns. Making Love schedules are DIFFERENT for everyone. I suggest one of TWO things:

1. Make sure the COWS are already HOME and in the Barn when you are not sexually aroused.

2. Pig out and stay DRUNK most of the time.

Both of these suggestions should work for you. Pick one and you will recharge your once different scheduled Love Making routine.

Until Later…

Drunk Texting

For those of you who may NOT know, I’ve been off for quite a while with a broken ankle. By the way, I HEARD that comment about “She’s OFF ALRIGHT…” Anyway, my point is, there really hasn’t been much for me to do lately except watch TV and Drink.

Now when I drink, I SOMETIMES, (OK ALWAYS), have a tendency to OVER DO it. By the way, I am a VERY happy drunk. I will sing, dance, (Well, not now), laugh, and just generally be the life of the party.

     The FIRST drink OK, the 15th. BAD

 The problem IS…I also seem to have a tendency to become VERY loveable and I LOVE to do me some DRUNK TEXTING.

     Now, WHO can I text tonight that I won’t REMEMBER texting tomorrow

Here’s a few NON MEMORABLE comments I made while drunk texting:

ALEX:     I just wanted you to know…THE RABBIT DIED…No you asshole, I don’t HAVE a pet rabbit.

Marci:    I had a great time last night, did I leave my WHIP there?

TONY:   When I said, “Your mother wears Army boots, AND they’re 2 sizes to small”, I meant that your mother is an asshole.

Jen:      Just because I tied one on last night DOESN’T mean that I’m easy or you can sleep with me. Unless of course you WANNA sleep with me.

Jason:    When I said I would give you a BLOW JOB I meant I would help you blow out the CANDLES on your cake. Anything ELSE will cost ya 500.00. Hehehehehe.

Mary:     Sorry I couldn’t make the 3 way you planned for Tuesday but I was already booked into a 4 way at Asters house.

Bob:       Yes my boobs are a 36D, just so long as your Dingleberry is 10” long as PROMISED. 🙂

Cynthia:   No Cyn. I DIDN’T say I’m coming DOWN with something, I  said, “I’m just coming DOWN…”

Rich:       You were SERIOUS about shivering my TIMBERS!!! Ohhhh RICHARD!!! …SMILES DEVILISHLY…

The CLUE here is… When you drink, Don’t drive, but DON’T EVER Text. It’s just not worth the embarrassment later… TRUST ME!!!

Until Later…