I am so distraught, my boyfriend and I were making love last night and, well, his “Flagpole” wouldn’t “Stand at Attention”. I LOVE sex and am very concerned. What shall I do?
Hot to Trot
Dear Hot to Trot:
First off, if you used these expressions with your boyfriend, then STOP!!! Men have a STRONG aversion to MILITARY terms like FLAGPOLE and STAND at ATTENTION. It reminds them they MIGHT be drafted and shipped out. His “Limp Dick” condition could just be aggravated by talking about such things. I suggest you tone these down by using these terms instead.
1. Useless Snake
2. Flaccid Fellow
3. Worthless Piece of Meat
Now, that being said, USUALLY this “Silly Putty” condition is Psychological. UNLESS your boyfriend is on enough pain meds, or blood pressure medication to bring down an ELEPHANT IN HEAT, you need to do what I’m going to suggest.
Sit your boyfriend down, take off his pants, and become eye level with his Dingleberry. Talk directly AT his member while softly stroking his Balls. Tell MR. Flaccid Stick that you love him and that he shouldn’t worry about this happening. Tell him that this DOES happen to most men at one time or another.
As you talk, Start to stroke MR. Happy and keep saying that it’s OK, and that Mamma is going to give him a little one on one attention. Blow on his Balls now and keep stroking Mr. Happy. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with the results. Mr. Happy should now REGAIN his firmness as you sweet talk him like a SNAKE CHARMER watches his snake become like a hardned rope. If this DOESN’T work, Dump his WORTHLESS ASS like a HOT potato and find someone ELSE who can Satisfy you.
My girlfriend and I really love each other but we have different feelings about sex. She, wants to have sex until the COWS come home 24/7. I, on the other hand, am LESS sexually excited unless I’m DRUNK or am wined and dined first. How can we get on the same page here?
Drunk in Denver:
I can TOTALLY understand your concerns. Making Love schedules are DIFFERENT for everyone. I suggest one of TWO things:
1. Make sure the COWS are already HOME and in the Barn when you are not sexually aroused.
2. Pig out and stay DRUNK most of the time.
Both of these suggestions should work for you. Pick one and you will recharge your once different scheduled Love Making routine.