The Masturbation Proclamation

                                Don’t spank me or I’ll GRAB Mr. Happy

Recently I read a funny article on Spanking the Monkey or Male Masturbation. It made me wonder about this often considered TABOO subject.  Now, for those of you who know me, you KNOW there is NO TABOO subject that I will NOT talk about. So, without further adieu, let’s dive right in and take a good look at both Male AND Female masturbation.

First order of business, Who masturbates MORE? Go ahead…Take a guess. If you guessed MEN, then you would be right. In a recent clinical study by “The Big Bang Group”, it showed that 7 out of 10 men masturbated BUT, only 5 out of 10 women. Obviously only FIVE out of TEN Women actually ANSWERED this question.

Interestingly enough, while MORE men Masturbate, Women on the other hand, have the distinct honor of masturbating MORE FREQUENTLY than their male counterparts. That’s right baby…We GET IT ON more than guys do. Do you know why? It’s because…Oh I’m sorry, go ahead and answer you eager Beavers. If you said it’s because we can have MULTIPLE ORGASMS in a very short period of time, you would be correct. This is not to say that Men don’t ENJOY it JUST as much, They just can’t ENJOY it as many TIMES as we can.
                Fifth Times The Charm

So, why is this such a TABOO topic? Everyone DOES it, well, ALMOST everyone. Why are we so afraid to talk about it? Think about it, when we are with our Guy or Gal friends we can’t seem to SHUT UP about our SEXUAL encounters. Why is this such a deep and dark secret. Hey, I’m not saying we should get together over drinks and talk about how many times we got ourselves off, I’m just saying we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it.

Masturbation is actually a GOOD thing. It has several benefits that can be derived from the act.

* It helps us “Discover” our sexual triggers and makes us more aware of our bodies. We can tell our partners just how we like to be touched. For ME, it really doesn’t matter however, all you have to do is LOOK at my Nether Region lovingly and I will have an Orgasm.

* It improves sleep–Zzzzzzzzzz…Sorry, nodded off there.

* It Creates a sense of well being– Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

* It relieves tension and the stresses of the day–Oh yeah baby DE-STRESSES me.

Most important though…IT FEELS GOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

The following are some of the Myths thought to be associated with masturbation:

* Growing hair on your palms–Only if done 5 times daily and over many years. Pace yourselves accordingly.

* Going Blind–Again…ONLY if you get the semen in your eyes.

* Makes your sex organs shrink or change color–I’ve ALWAYS been curious as to WHAT color they change to. Maybe a nice Fuchsia or pretty Robin Egg Blue.

* Causes Mental Illness–OK…The jury is STILL out on this one and don’t argue with me or I’ll CUT ya.

* Stunts growth–PULLLLEEEEEASE!!!!! We ALL shrink as we get older, it has NOTHING to do with masturbating 8 times a day (Oops!!!), I don’t THINK???!!!???
So…There you have it. There is NOTHING to worry about. I suggest we all retire to our bedrooms or favorite toilets and just RELIEVE some stress. Nice talking with ya.

Until Later…

19 thoughts on “The Masturbation Proclamation

  1. Heh heh heh. Who doesn’t enjoy flogging the old donkey? A lot of people would be a lot less angry if they just boxed the clown/squirrel every now and again. Am I right? Or am I right. I am right, as usual…. 😀


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