Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. Every time my boyfriend and I make love, he HUMS Yankee Doodle. It was OK the FIRST 100 times, but NOW it’s getting VERY annoying. I love my boyfriend and would HATE to hurt his feelings. What can I do?

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Dear Yankee Doodle:

I can certainly understand why that would be annoying. Does he at least hum it ON KEY, and, IS he a good lover? Now…IF he is a good lover and you want to continue making love with him, try what I’m going to recommend. Pick a song that is SO annoying No One on God’s Green Earth could stand it. I can recommend a couple.

 First try ANY Justin Bieber song. IF, (For some unknown reason) he happens to be a fan, I would SERIOUSLY rethink your relationship. No one who TRULY likes Justin Bieber is mature enough to be in ANY kind of a relationship.

If THAT doesn’t work, try humming Row Row Row Your Boat OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER. UNLESS he is a TROGLODYTE (Great word Right), he should get the idea and SHUT THE HELL UP. If NEITHER of these things work, odds are you are better off DUMPING his SORRY ASS. My guess is that he probably doesn’t even have the brainpower of a Flea. Good Luck!

Dear Sooz:

Every night right after my girlfriend and I make love, she IMMEDIATELY falls asleep and starts SNORING. She is VERY loud and it sounds like DYNAMITE going off in my ears. What should I do?

Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless:

As I see it in my infinite wisdom, you have THREE alternatives.

1. Keep her awake ALL night by placing tiny pins in the mattress on HER side of the bed pricking side upwards. This way you should be able to sleep just fine.

2. Tell her lazy, thoughtless little ASS to go to an Ear Nose and Throat Dr. She probable has a severe DEVIATED SEPTUM and needs surgery. Tell her it’s YOUR way or the Highway.

3. Sleep in different TOWNS. This MAY place a slight damper on your relationship but HEY…You’ll be getting all the sleep you need.

Good Luck!!!

Until Later…

17 thoughts on “Just Ask Sooz

  1. lol… i had a light sleeper, always complainer AND HE HIT ME in his sleep. A few times. He’s a sleep walker. The first time I was so confused. smacked me softly the WHAM, punched me right in the face, then reached over my body for water, which he ended up spilling everywhere, all the while mumbling about cats…apparently when he came to he said he dreamed a bad a wild cats were trying to drill into his brain and he was fighting them off . That was the first time…there were more, mostly containing animals. I had to convince him for 5 min that there was no raccoon at the foot of the bed, once he was “awake” he’s like oh, its its my laptop never mind, back to bed. Gd forbid I get up to pee and bother him and he’s yellin bloody murder but hey at least i know I can take a hit!

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  2. Hahahahaha. I’m a sleep walker myself, but I have never smacked anyone. Walked outside commando in January -35 outside in a blizzard at 3am, then woke up after I heard the door go click. Luckily the Officer was very understanding when she caught me trying to break into my own house. 🙂 She even stopped by the next evening for a “soda”. hee hee Oh and sing Supercalifragilistic….however the heck you spell it. Or the theme song to Green Acres. Yeah. I sang it once for like an hour straight to make a crazy ex leave(she thought I was nuts after that) 😀

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