How Men And Women View PORN

     
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These Things Are HARD!!!

Note: First of all, this IS about porn, However, I want you to read or Not read this piece based on my writing, not just the Title. That being said, this is about how Men and Women view porn.
Before I start, since this is a PG site, let me dumb down the graphic content here. So, for the sake of PG dom, these will be the following words used for the totally graphic, despicable ,outlandishly crude, rude and disgusting words.

Penis—- Will now be known as    “Dinkel” Vagina— Will now be known as “Bobo”

Blow Job- Will now be known as “Puffer fish”

Cunnilingus-Will now be known as Sweeeet… (oops, sorry), I meant “Gardening

Hand job -Will now be called       “Yum Yum”

There, now I can write. Both men AND women enjoy PORN, But, there ARE differences. Men are more VISUAL creatures and as such, love to WATCH when The Dinkel is inserted into the Bobo and then pumped like HELL FIRE.

They Also enjoy watching a woman giving someone a Puffer fish. Men REALLY enjoy the Puffer fish where some women do, and some don’t enjoy the activity. Men LOVE watchin’ 2 or 3 women give themselves, or the other women pleasure from Gardening.

Women, on the other hand, are more VERBALLY oriented and enjoy THEIR porn in written form. Think about, Look all the romance books that are geared towards women and then argue with me.
We would MUCH rather READ about how the man pleased her Bobo through either gardening, OR Dinkel into Bobo. I’ll speak for myself here, but, I  especially like to read about women who perform the act of Yum Yum on themselves. That REALLY stimulates me and gets my Bobo going.

I’m not just making this stuff up…Google it. I hope I didn’t offend anybody here by writing this, but after doing so it made me VERRRRRRY (Lets see…What’s a good word for HOT), I may just have to take a little break, lay down and have a little Yum Yum. 🙂

Until Later…

Funny Things To Say On a Birthday Card

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It’s always nice to get a special Birthday wish so here are a few of mine I’ve WANTED to send…

Happy Birthday: I am enclosing a bag of Viagra so you can get laid  BEFORE your  next one.

Happy Birthday:  Wishing you all the happiness in the world… For the little time you have left.

Happy Birthday:  This IS your birthday right?

Happy Birthday:  Please find enclosed a dictionary…Now you can help you keep your AFFAIRS in alphabetical order. Ex. Alex,Alexander, Bill etc.

Happy Birthday:  To the woman who has a heart of Cold…I mean gold…

Happy Birthday:  Wishing you the best that LIFE has to offer…IN PRISON.

Happy Birthday:  To the man who has everything…well…except for health,money,and  friends. Enjoy your special day.

Happy Birthday:  May you live a long life… Longer than your expected Dr.’s prediction.

Happy Birthday:  May you “Live Long and Prosper”…God knows, it would be ABOUT TIME…

Happy Birthday,  To my hard assed,overbearing,and punitive father….Now…. make a wish and blow out your brains.

Until Later…

Note: Opinions here are not necessarily expressed by this author….Ohhh Hell, of course they are….No hate mail PLEASE… 🙂 

 

 

The “F” Word

 
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I played hooky today and while doing so, I began thinking about the “F” word. What??? You never think about the “F” word??? Oh come on. It’s something that I grant you most men enjoy more than women, BUT, I for one really enjoy it. I think it is VERY relaxing. The thing I really like about it is that you can do it with someone else if you want, OR….Just do it all by YOURSELF.

You KNOW I’m talking about FISHING right??? SOME of you out there in Cyber Space have VERY dirty minds.

Anyway, as I said I love to fish and it’s something I don’t get to do that often based on my schedule. Sooo, I took the day off, grabbed my fishin’ pole and bait and headed out to Canyon Lake.

Now I know what some you are wondering…..Does she put on her own bait? And YES I do……It just takes me a longer time COAXING the worms and such onto my hook. Some may ask…why not just use lures? Now, for those of you who may not be familiar with the term lure, It means when a guy drops his pants and then asks you to dance. By doing this he feels he can LURE you into his den of iniquity.

Just kidding about that…Although, one of the guys I dated DID actuary do that). No…a lure is a man made device that may Wiggle, Giggle, or even Dance (Hmmmm), in the water TRICKING the fish into thinking it’s a bug, or perhaps ,a HULA DANCER. Then, after seeing the dancing lure, the fish is supposed to be TOTALLY tricked and swallow said lure as opposed to just APPLAUDING.

Nope…I’m a bait girl, I believe you catch more fish that way. So, here I am in the rented boat, floating on the lake with nothing but my bait and a smile. Well….I WAS wearing CLOTHES of course for those of you who MAY have been picturing me otherwise, once AGAIN…Dirty Minds.

I was out there for three hours today  before I got a BITE ( and that was from my own lunch), but, finally I hauled in my first catch of the day…….A  RUBBER BOOT. Are you kidding me???

OK…I didn’t catch anything out there today, BUT, I did commune with Nature, so overall it was a very relaxing day. By the way, does anyone know the correct way to Fillet a BOOT?

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Why is it that once I got married, all of my Ex. Girlfriends wanna get back in touch with me? They keep trying to CONSTANTLY friend me on Facebook. I can’t  add them on to my account as my wife will find out and think I’m Cheating on her. We are Ex’s for a reason and I moved on a long, long time ago. What should I do to keep these women from pestering me all the time.

Forlorn Facebook Fan

Dear Forlorn:

Let me explain a little something about the fairer sex. We ALWAYS want what we CAN’T have. It’s just in our nature. Once you got MARRIED, you became fair game again. We just can not STAND losing. We will do everything in our power to PROVE to you that WE were the BETTER choice. We won’t take NO for an answer. You are OUR man DAMMIT, not hers. Yes, we know you cheated on us or drank and gambled to much so we dumped your ass… BUT…MAYBE you’ve CHANGED. Certainly your WIFE thinks so.

All of a sudden, when that wedding band was slipped on, you once again became Prince Charming. ALL your Ex’s will pursue you once again just to show you that YOU made a MISTAKE. We just LOVE rubbing that in your face. We are relentless and will stop at NOTHING to try and BREAK you two up so you will once again chase US!!!

So…That answers your question WHY. Now for the advice. You are in deep DOO DOO my friend. I would suggest just TWO things.

First…  You need to GET THE HELL OFF FACEBOOK. You can always get on some other social network with a different name and live happily ever after.

Second… Pack up the wife and move to BOLIVIA. I hear it’s nice and quiet down there with only the noise of the Lama. By moving, you eliminate the temptation of ever having to deal with those evil BITCHES again. Sure, you may have to change your life style and become Lama farmers but in the LONG RUN you will THANK me. I hope this has helped you.

Dear Sooz:

My Girlfriend and I have been dating now for 8 years. She loves me and I her but we have a standing disagreement. I wanna get married and she doesn’t. Her theory is: “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” I’ve been trying my hardest to persuade her but she just won’t budge. What can I do?

Brideless in Bethesda

Dear Brideless:

This is an easy one. Just tell her that until you see a wedding band wrapped nicely around your finger that THIS cow’s MILK has completely DRIED UP. Tell her it doesn’t matter HOW much she Moo’s, she will be getting NO MILK until the words “I DO” are spoken. I believe once she sees her milk supply is gone her brain will IMMEDIATELY look for a wedding band. Good Luck…

Until Later…

Is 30 Mph Over REALLY Speeding

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OK, I admit it. I was going 30 mph over the speed limit on some country BACK road I was driving the other day. All they had on it were sweated up possums, cactus, and a whole lotta nothing’ except the armadillos lookin’ at me like a MEAL if I ever veered off the road.

Now, in all fairness, I do seem to have a lead foot. Well, maybe not really a lead foot, more like a big anvil or anchor  surgically attached there. Anyway, you get the point, I seem to have a “need for speed”. Just couldn’t resist that line.

So, I’m driving along this country rod( with the ridiculous speed limit ), and as I fly by, I see a cop pullin’ out of his little cubby hole with his lights a flashing like I was John Dillinger or something, and I KNEW that he was gonna pull me over and slap a ticket on me.

I have never been issued a speeding ticket before and this is WHY. As SOON as I saw him pull out and start to accelerate to GET me, I started turning the wheel a little bit left and right so it looked like I was drunk or something. I rolled my windows down on all sides, pulled the car over, and just started yelling at the top of my lungs… “BEES…BEES”. My arms were a flailin’ and I just kept on yelling.

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Guess what? There were NO BEES, it was just a ploy to get out of the ticket. The cop comes up with me still flailing my arms and screaming and I say… “I need to get out of here”.

Well, the cop opens the door and I (screaming) ask if I can get out. He says OK, so I get out and then the cop looks all around in my car for the KILLER BEES. “I guess it must have gone out the window when I was swattin’ at it officer”, I said in my sweetest and panicked voice. I made him feel like a Macho Man that day as I was his damsel in distress…NO TICKET.

I have done this on 4 separate occasions and EACH time they bought it. Hey, I’m not sayin’ it will work for YOU but HELL, What do you have to lose? Give it a try sometime and then let me know how you make out.

P.S. If This doesn’t work, show a little BOOB!!!!

Until Later…

Tit For Tat

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The other day I asked someone for information about something and she said….Tit for Tat. Now, it’s not like I don’t know what this expression means, it’s just my mind congers up all different kinds of scenarios when this is said.

Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s just the English language itself, but, that expression is somewhat confusing don’t you think? I mean if you give someone your tit, do you get a tat back, and if you DO, what the HELL is a tat anyway???  

Hey…If I’m gonna give someone my tit, that tat better be something pretty damn special otherwise their not getting’ it again.

 I looked the word tat up in the dictionary (just for fun), and the definition is:

 Tat: N
1. tatty articles or a tatty condition

2. tasteless articles

3. a tangled mass [C20: back formation from tatty.

WTF???? That definition has absolutely NO meaning for how it is being used as tit for tat. I’m so confused???!!???? I sure as hell don’t wanna get a tatty article or tasteless articles, and as for a tangles mass of stuff…I already have all I can handle.

That’s it…NO more TIT unless I get some damn well meaningful TAT. Lets hear what I get out of it first, THEN, we’ll play the tit for tat game. Geeeese!!!!!

Until Later…

Halloween Humor

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OK…I’m gonna break down and write something about Halloween. I mean after all…Besides St. Patrick’s Day, it IS my favorite holiday. Who can guess why it’s my second favorite holiday? Seriously??? No one wants to guess??? OK, I’ll tell ya why. I can dress up as ANYBODY OR ANYTHING I wanna and get drunk as a skunk.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But Sue, you don’t NEED an excuse to get drunk as you ARE most of the time ANYWAY“…Well… OK that’s true, BUT how often do I get to dress up in a Sexy French Maid’s Costume and party with Cupid? Gotcha on that one didn’t I? I’ll be serving so much French Wine to Cupid, He won’t even be able to shoot  straight. He’ll probably wind up shooting his dumb ass arrows straight into my ASS. I’m gonna make sure my costume is small enough so I will be able to expose some ASS to shoot.

Now, where was I…Oh yeah, Halloween. Do you know WHY we wear costumes on Halloween? It’s because it’s the one day that the sprits of the dead were supposed to walk the Earth with the Living. Folks would dress up in costumes to try and fool the spirits into thinking that they were one of THEM so they wouldn’t be haunted by them.

Hey…I’m not makin’ this stuff up… Google it…So, that’s where the tradition started. Now, we just do it to have a little fun and scare the DEJESUS out of little kids who come to our doors for candy.

Speaking of costumes, (notice my smooth segway there), I understand that the most popular ones this year are the political figures. Yup…It’s true. We have kids dressing up as Obama and Romney. Go figure…Scratches Head… My favorite though is the NFL replacement refs and Honey Boo Boo. You just gotta love Honey Boo Boo!!!

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I don’t know if anybody could guess, But, I’ve been doing a little NIPPIN’ here as I’ve been writing. Does it SHOW??? Gotta go now, I still have to take up the hem in my costume and get out all my favorite Halloween Movies together. Have a great one everyone. Hic…

Until Later…

To Dream

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To dream, quiet images of days past dance like sea nymphs, as night time’s shadow fills a tired mind.

Ah, the sweet sound of silence permeates our minds eye and gives a comforting solace to a restful soul.

Dance image dance, fill my being with the colors of thy music, wake me not, but let my body rest in your repose.

 Of this I ask, renew my spirit so I may once again tilt my sword towards empty windmills upon night’s end.

Fill me with thy wonder, let my mind sore with you through time’s eternity, and forever guide me through life’s wondrous journey.   

 Until Later…

DMV’s Driver’s Tests-Are You Kidding Me?

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When I was sixteen, like any other kid in America, I wanted to learn how to drive. Now, let’s be clear about something, in MY mind, I already KNEW how to drive. I just figured that the road test was something that the County’s required to make a buck. Little did I realize, they actually wanted you to KNOW how to drive.

Now, in all fairness to me, I THOUGHT I was a good driver ’cause I was driving my mothers Buick ALL the time…..Up and down the driveway. Who KNEW that they actually wanted you to practice taking the car out on the street.

Anyway, I would “borrow” my mothers car and have an older friend at the time take me out driving. We would drive all over… To the liquor store, picking up weed for her friend,and of course the drive in theater, and YES they still had drive in theaters back then.

I must tell you, she tried and tried to teach me to parallel park, BUT,I just never got the hang of it. Every time I tried, I was always about the distance of the Grand Canyon away from the curb. I figured…Are they REALLY gonna flunk me because I can’t parallel park? The answer is……YES!!!!! The very first time I took the test I couldn’t parallel park if my life depended on it. OK….I MAY have made a couple of other minor infractions also like making a left from the right hand lane and forgetting to use my turn signals, but hey…who Doesn’t forget that from time to time. Geeeese…..

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The second time I was doing very well when a squirrel inadvertently decided that he wanted to cross the street without signaling me FIRST. Let me just say that it was NOT my fault that he got caught under the car wheels. HE wasn’t watching where he was running. Damn….Number two down the drain.

The third time, while trying to do my parallel parking fiasco, I turned the wheel just a “LITTLE” too much when I was cutting back in, and happened to hit the car I was parallel  parking next to. Now THAT was embarrassing. Ya know what……The third time was NOT the charm.

Finally, on the fourth try, Mrs. Jenkins and I, who were on a first name basis by now,  actually felt sorry for me. I did everything right this time and by the grace of God (and 50.00 bucks) guess what…I finally passed……YEA!!!!!!

This was an experience I will never forget….Although, I have tried repeatedly. So….if ya see me coming down the road someday ya better just get the HELL outta my way ’cause….I’m watching out for squirrels and I may not see you. You’ve been warned.

Until Later…

 

 

 

Three Wishes

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Once upon a time, in a far away village in Transylvania, There lived a beautiful shepherd girl, and her name was Mergatroid. Let’s just call her Sooz for short. She was a beautiful girl with flowing red hair and ginger Netherlands to match. “OK Sooz, who are we REALLY talking about here?” “Who said that”  Sooz said surprised when a voice from nowhere suddenly appeared. “I’m your inner conscience” said the voice, “now, continue on with your story and go EASY on all the SEX talk.”

Anyway…Mergatroid, (I mean Sooz). lived in a humble shack with her alcoholic mother and a cat Jezabelle, (Don’t ask). Every morning Sooz would get up, fix her hungover mother a  nice cold stein filled with Mead and 3 shots of rye, and some muffins and eggs from the hen house. She was a dutiful girl, and knowing that her mother would soon be passed out drunk on the floor, she would prepare a nice bed of straw before going out into the fields and starting her chores.

One chilly October day, while tending the flock, a mysterious old woman suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She was dressed all in black, (Sorta like Johnny Cash), and had a wide smile with teeth that were Colgate clean and white. She approached Sooz and motioned for her to sit. Sooz reached into the satchel she carried her lunch in, and offered the woman half of a Peanut Butter and Salami sandwich and some cold water. After eating, the old woman told Sooz that she was her Fairy Godmother and that she had been watching Sooz for some time now. She said that she was very impressed with Sooz’s kind and gentle manner and her selfless attitude.

The old woman told her that she could have 3 wishes of her choosing. All she had to do was think about what she wanted and tap the heels of her shoes together 3 times. “WAIT JUST A MINUTE”, said the mysterious voice again. “That’s a story line right out of Cinderella, Aladdin. and The Wizard Of Oz”…” OK….OK… I KNOW”, said Sooz, but did you ever try and WRITE a fairy tale before CONSCIENCE?”  “Alright” replied her conscience, “But watch it from here on out before you get slapped with a plagiarism law suit.”

Sooz thought and thought, what should she wish for? She decided she would wish for one MILLION dollars…”AH HEM, there you go again Sooz WATCH IT!!!” Immediately, a chest of money appeared before her eyes. She was soooo happy that she dragged the chest full of money back to the cottage and showed her mother. “What’s that” her mother asked?.” My Fairy God mother agave me three wishes Ma” said Sooz. “No, seriously” said Sooz. “The next time ask for an unlimited supply of MEAD and Rye” replied her mother in a drunken slurrish state. “Yes Mama”, said Sooz and tapped her heals together once again.

The magic worked quickly as a beautiful mahogany bar appeared in the shack with bottle after bottle of Rye and Mead. “What a good child” said her mother as she staggered over to the bar and poured herself a cold one. The next morning came only to find Sooz’s mother drunk as a skunk once again and the tax man at her door. “I’m sorry miss”, said the tax man, “but you owe all of this money except for a thousand dollars to the Kingdom for Fairy Godmother fees and taxes.”

Depressed now, Sooz thought and thought about what to ask for from her final wish. With a stroke of genius, she had it. She closed her eyes, tapped her heels together and POOF, there appeared before her Prince Charming. “My Lady”, said the Prince. “Mi Lord”, said Sooz, and off she went to marry the man of her dreams. Destiny had taken it’s course, Sooz got married and lived in a beautiful castle, and her mother lived drunk as a skunk, happily ever after with Jezabelle for all time. Happy Halloween everyone.

The End

Until Later…