Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

Crazy thing here. When I was engaged I was a total horn dog. I was trying to “live up” before I got tied down. I liked to take teaser pictures, flirt endlessly till they wanted it and I would push away or throw my ring and giggle. Cruel but fun.

Until one night this one man, older by a few years, really had me going. His Girl friend was a few rooms down, and while she was snoozing, I licked his lollypop. It was no experience I wanted to remember. He sucked, IT sucked.

 Later that year his girlfriend and I became good friends. I totally forgot about the dude. I got married, and have been faithful ever since. Until yesterday, she texted me and told me she found out what happened!

I’m freaking out! What the hell do I do? I already told her the sorry. I don’t talk to the dude, nor will I ever. I said I’m sorry but Ill be even MORE worried if my husband finds out. Should I wait it out and hope it stays buried? Should I confess and be worried ? What to do what to do. THEN, I USED to be a Harlot, and now I don’t wanna wear a fucking Scarlet A. What should I do?

The Scarlet Letter

Dear Scarlet:

First of all, my hat is OFF to you. His girlfriend just a few rooms down, DAMN girl, you have HUGE cohunes. My only regret would have been that the guy “SUCKED” as a lover. I mean ALL that Cloak and Dagger stuff for a Fucking DUD!!! YIKES!!!

Hey, It’s not like you got pregnant with HIS kid, THEN got married and told your husband it was HIS…Screw her (NOT literally), Usually women who bring that stuff up from the past only want ONE thing…Money. This can ALL go away for a few thousand dollars. Here’s what you do. Agree on a price and then go to the bank and take it all out in small bills. Meet in a crowed area for lunch and then INCONSPICULOUSLY, slip the money into her purse. Smile at her, and then tell her if she EVER tells your husband, you’ll CUT her!!!

I believe this should take care of your problems. If NOT, call on me AFTER hours and we might just be able to come to a more SUITABLE agreement.

Dear Sooz:

My husband keeps nagging me to have Breast Augmentation. I am already a 44D and I don’t understand why he wants me to have the operation. I love my husband and want to please him, but, by adding ANYTHING  more to my bust size, I’m afraid I might just tip over!!!
What shall I do?

Big Busted Bertha

Dear Big Busted:

If you are uncomfortable with having your breasts enlarged, why don’t you just ask HIM to Have his PENIS enlarged to a size 10 or more. Tell him that to save money, you will be GLAD to do the surgery yourself. Explain very calmly just HOW you are going to perform it. Explain to him that you will take a piece of his ASS to use to lengthen his Penis and that by smoking Medically Approved Marijuana, he won’t feel a thing.

My guess here is that he will immediately see how YOU feel about your breasts and DROP his ridiculous request. If NOT, get a Large kitchen knife and start showing him drawings of his cut up ASS…

Until Later…

11 thoughts on “Just Ask Sooz

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