Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I’m kinda embarrassed to write this but I thought maybe you could help. My boyfriend and I both weigh in excess of 450 lbs and it has become increasingly DIFFICULT to have belly to belly sex recently. What can we do to enhance our ONCE hot sex life?

Two fat Pigs

Dear Pigs:

First off, let me ask you a SERIOUS question…How is it that at 450 lbs you even HAVE a sex life? I would imagine that you two are panting and gasping for air like CONVICTS at a HANGING. That being said, Sooz doesn’t judge.

There are a couple of things that I would recommend:

1. Lose 300lbs…I REALIZE what I am suggesting is hard,  BUT, in the end, you will thank me and be back to screwing like two BUNNIES in heat!!!

2. Use a yard stick and some tape. Tape on to a yardstick your favorite Vibrator and have him place it, while belly to belly, where nature intended. THIS way, not ONLY he can still satisfy YOU in your FAVORITE position and at a “SAFE” distance, BUT,  you can ALSO take care of HIS needs with your God Given mouth and Tongue afterwards…I hope this helped you.

Dear Sooz:

I am a Lesbian and my girlfriend keeps calling out other women’s names when we are making love. I KNOW she is faithful to me ONLY but has had several relationships in the past. What can I do to stop her from doing this awful thing during Lovemaking?
Confused and in Love

Dear Confused:

Try and confront your girlfriend about these OTHER women. Get as many names and addresses as you can and then CONFRONT them. Tell them that you LOVE your girlfriend and that they can NO longer have any contact with her. If they refuse…CUT THEM!!! Sorry, but it’s the only way.

Tell your girlfriend that these women no longer care for her and that you are the only one now in her life. IF she does it again in her sleep, CUT her TOO, She is a selfish and no good BITCH that isn’t thinking about you, she deserves it!!!
I hope this helps you.

10 thoughts on “Just Ask Sooz

  1. First, you didn’t mention if that 450 is combined or that each is in excess of 450 lbs. If it is the latter, then you have serious issues other than the ability to engage in coitus. If it is the former, I suggest that you try rear entry sex. *shrug*

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      • I once had a relationship with a woman who was (and is) morbidly obese. I am of average weight. Anyway, face to face was difficult if not impossible to have. We tried “doggie style” but even that was nearly impossible as she had (and has) a posterior as wide and protruding as it might be imaginable. We eventually parted, but this was only one of several reasons.

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  2. For the second one, she could try gagging her partner. It would keep her from calling out other names, and might add something to the bedroom!
    As an aside, as a guy, if I ever do that, I would be typing this comment at a much higher octave than normal.

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