Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz: 

My girlfriend and I have a disagreement when we make love. SHE always wants the light OFF and I always want it on. What would you suggest we do to come to some kind of agreement on this issue?

In The Dark

Dear In The Dark

First off, unless your girlfriend has to be weighed by an industrial Truck Scale, OR has the face that only a mother could love and STILL have her doubts, what’s the problem with leaving the light on? I mean I could understand if her Netherlands were SO covered in Hair that you needed a SEARCH LIGHT to Find her Va Jay Jay, but seriously, tell her you just want to get MORE turned on by looking at her beautiful body.

If for some reason she REFUSES to comply with your reasoning, Tell her you’re TIRED of playing hide and go seek in the dark and tell her to Hit The Road Jackie… I hope this has helped you.

Dear Sooz:

My husband is an incessant talker and his constant blabbering is driving me CRAZY…All he does is Talk, Talk, Talk. The man NEVER shuts up!!!

It’s becoming SO bad that I can’t read, watch TV, or even SLEEP without his annoying tongue flapping. What can I do to Tongue Tie his mouth so he shuts the Hell up?

Disquieted Homemaker

Dear Disquieted:

Your husband seems to have an obsessive compulsive disorder of the tongue. This is VERY common in EGOTISTICAL MANIACAL ASSHOLES!!! There is REALLY only ONE sure fire way to cure this annoying condition. When he begins to speak,IMMEDIATELY INTERRUPT HIM!!!

Spew out some useless chitter chatter like, “Oh did I tell you, ARFIE (the dog), Pooped on our Mailman today. Or maybe, did you hear the news that KING KONG just passed away? The more mundane the thought, the better chance you will have to disrupt his train of thought. Continue doing this until he gets so tired of you interrupting him, OR, gets so bored from all the useless mundane ramblings, he will just lose his train of thought and just Shut The Hell Up. Good Luck.

12 thoughts on “Just Ask Sooz

  1. Hahahahahahaha…Dear Sooz, Who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll? (Asking for a friend…)At what point in a relationship is it a good time to bring up the gimp suit? Which movie was better? Forrest Gump, Foreskin Gump, or Forrest Hump? Do you prefer Beavis and Butthead, or Beaver and Buttcheeks(The porn version)? 🙂

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    • Dear Papizilla:
      The second gunman was actually Jimmy Hoffa. Why do you think he disappeared so quickly afterwards?

      The Gimp Suit is a Forboden topic NEVER to be brought up unless of course Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is present.

      Personally, I always liked Foreskin Gump. Although I understand the Majority is voting for Forrest Hump.
      Great question by the way.

      Oh that’s easy, being a Nymphomaniac, I prefer Beaver and Buttcheeks of course. Another great and longtime pondered question.
      Muah!!!
      Sooz

      Like

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