Just Ask Sooz


Dear Sooz:

Why is it that once I got married, all of my Ex. Girlfriends wanna get back in touch with me? They keep trying to CONSTANTLY friend me on Facebook. I can’t  add them on to my account as my wife will find out and think I’m Cheating on her. We are Ex’s for a reason and I moved on a long, long time ago. What should I do to keep these women from pestering me all the time.

Forlorn Facebook Fan

Dear Forlorn:

Let me explain a little something about the fairer sex. We ALWAYS want what we CAN’T have. It’s just in our nature. Once you got MARRIED, you became fair game again. We just can not STAND losing. We will do everything in our power to PROVE to you that WE were the BETTER choice. We won’t take NO for an answer. You are OUR man DAMMIT, not hers. Yes, we know you cheated on us or drank and gambled to much so we dumped your ass… BUT…MAYBE you’ve CHANGED. Certainly your WIFE thinks so.

All of a sudden, when that wedding band was slipped on, you once again became Prince Charming. ALL your Ex’s will pursue you once again just to show you that YOU made a MISTAKE. We just LOVE rubbing that in your face. We are relentless and will stop at NOTHING to try and BREAK you two up so you will once again chase US!!!

So…That answers your question WHY. Now for the advice. You are in deep DOO DOO my friend. I would suggest just TWO things.

First…  You need to GET THE HELL OFF FACEBOOK. You can always get on some other social network with a different name and live happily ever after.

Second… Pack up the wife and move to BOLIVIA. I hear it’s nice and quiet down there with only the noise of the Lama. By moving, you eliminate the temptation of ever having to deal with those evil BITCHES again. Sure, you may have to change your life style and become Lama farmers but in the LONG RUN you will THANK me. I hope this has helped you.

Dear Sooz:

My Girlfriend and I have been dating now for 8 years. She loves me and I her but we have a standing disagreement. I wanna get married and she doesn’t. Her theory is: “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” I’ve been trying my hardest to persuade her but she just won’t budge. What can I do?

Brideless in Bethesda

Dear Brideless:

This is an easy one. Just tell her that until you see a wedding band wrapped nicely around your finger that THIS cow’s MILK has completely DRIED UP. Tell her it doesn’t matter HOW much she Moo’s, she will be getting NO MILK until the words “I DO” are spoken. I believe once she sees her milk supply is gone her brain will IMMEDIATELY look for a wedding band. Good Luck…

Until Later…

10 thoughts on “Just Ask Sooz

  1. I had the same problem with FB. I was only on it a few weeks before the ex’s started showing up. That was NOT a maintainable situation. But it was containable. I simply closed the account and vanished forever. It’s like digital Bolivia.

    Now, my brother, (who was far more “networked” than I was when he got married) moved clear across the country and started fresh. I think that was a pretty wise decision, considering.


  2. I added them all(at least the ladies I knew the names of) and then pointed them out to my wife. If I do get any messages I let her read them and respond on my behalf. It has been incredibly fun. 🙂


  3. Pingback: That’s what she read! « The * Hobbyist

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