Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have an age old problem I would like to discuss with you. Every time I go into the bathroom to pee, the toilet seat is ALWAYS left up. The problem is, the toilet has pee on it which I have to clean BEFORE I sit. I have tried and tried talking to him about this; he just says he keeps FORGETTING to put the seat back down. What should I do to break him of this annoying habit?

Soiled Sue

 

Dear Soiled:

This has been a bee in our bonnets ever since the toilet was invented. I mean WHAT’S so freakin’ hard about putting a little piece of porcelain down again once lifted? Not only that, but the fact that he doesn’t even AIM Mr. Happy so that it actually goes IN the water is another subject…Don’t get me started.

Here is what I suggest. First buy him some Gingko Biloba. This is a good MEMORY enhancer and may help with his “FAILING” memory. Next, I would suggest hanging a VERY SEXY picture of yourself in a flimsy neglige above the toilet. Underneath place a note that says:

“If you WANT some of this later, Put the FARGIN’ seat DOWN.”

Hopefully, this will help with your problem. Good luck.

 

Dear Sooz:

My neighbor’s dog keeps taking his dumps in MY yard. I have politely informed my neighbor of this but it hasn’t done any good. What should I do?

Down in the DUMPS

Dear Dumps:

This actually happened to me about a year ago. Being in the season of Christmas and all, why don’t you try this? Go out in your yard, pick up all of the dogs mess, and place it a box. Wrap the box with some very nice wrapping paper and bow, and then send it to your neighbor. Include a very nice Holiday card thanking him for all the things his dog has done for you. This should send the correct message and hopefully this won’t happen again. Hey…It WORKED for ME. Good Luck…

Until Later…

 

 

 

Three Coins in a Toilet???

Great Dane

A couple weekends ago my cousin asked me to baby sit. It had been a long time since her husband and her had been away so I said sure. Just to keep the record straight, she also has two dogs…Dumper, an 8 month old Great Dane…and Weasel, a two year old Chihuahua.

Her kids are younger so that have to be watched CONTINUALLY, I’m rethinking having kids. Anyway…I got up Saturday morning (As the rooster crows), I’m SERIOUS…It was STILL dark outside. I mean I’m just used to coming HOME at that hour. MY GOD….Don’t kids sleep late on the weekends like I do?

Feeding them a nice nourishing breakfast which consisted of candy coated cereal, chocolate milk and chocolate pop tarts, I settled in for the day ahead. Second guessing myself….I’m thinking this MAY NOT have been the best move on my part. An hour later, they were running, swinging on things like Tarzan, and they were using what my cousin says: “Their Outside Voices”…OK…They were screaming.

I turned my head for just ONE microsecond and I hear screaming, coming from the bathroom. I drop everything I’m doing, rush to the bathroom, (As I was afraid someone was being flushed down the toilet), and low and behold, here is my younger cousin with his hand in the toilet.

Politely reminding him that the toilet is NOT a swimming pool, and to please remove his hand from the water, he does. Once removed…Dumper decides HE is thirsty and immediately starts lapping up the toilet water. Now, this is a big dog, I mean a couple of Dumpers in the Grand Canyon and I can see why there is such a crevice there…They (the dogs) had to be thirsty. Nothin’ scarier than seein’ a Great Dane suckin’ a toilet bowl clean.

Asking the little guy why he was screaming, he said that G.I. Joe was on a training exercise and had inadvertently slipped into the toilet. Now…What I didn’t tell you is that after falling in…He FLUSHED IT… OYE ?!?


Soooo, here I am reaching into the toilet,(which was now devoid of any water), and proceeded to try and find G.I. Joe before he succumbs to a drowning tragedy. NOTHING!!! Now I’m a smart person so I get a brainiac idea… I’ll use a hanger. No way in HELL was I ever letting my cousin know that G.I. Joe was screwing up her plumbing.

To the closet I go searching and searching for anything BUT a plastic hanger. Finally, after about 15 minutes( seemed like an eternity), I finally find one and reshape it into the form of a grappling hook to snag the helpless action figure.

I bended, twisted, even cursed (OOPS), Until I was able to Grab hold of, and rescue G.I. Joe. Phew…I’m getting worn out just TELLIN’ this story.
Bottom line is, I got him out, let the dogs outside, and (watched Dumper pee for about an hour), and all returned to normalcy. Tell me…Are their any GOOD reasons to have kids…?   🙂

Giggle Time

 
The Importance of walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.
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My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

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The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise,’
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

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I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

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If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,……
just getting over the hill.

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We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

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You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

Christmas Spirit and Spirits

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Yesterday I finally decided it was time to put up all my Christmas lights for the holiday. I have several different arrays I use for the house’s outside and then another set for the inside.

Now remember, I am going to be 41 so I have lights that have been around since I used to ride dinosaurs to school. They are very pretty lights. Most are the bigger lights, for the outside, with a lighted Santa and sleigh, and Reindeer that are so real looking, hunters want to kill shoot them.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase, once done, my house looks a lot like that one. I bring this up because what I am about to tell you REMINDS me soooooo much of this movie.

It takes me forever to finally finish everything so I am extremely proud of my house and myself once done. I ALWAYS check all the lights BEFORE I put them up ESPECIALLY the lights on the roof.

So, I got all the light out, tested them all and they all worked. I got out my staple gun and proceeded to do my roof lights first, then my window lights, next the Santa, and FINALLY my real looking Reindeer.

Yup…You guessed it, I flipped the switch and NOTHING happened. WTF!!! Now, I am NOT an electrician, BUT, I also have taught myself a few things about electricity over the years. The first thing I did was CURSE A BLUE STREAK. For those of you who may NOT be familiar with that terminology, it means to swear and scream until the neighbors call the cops for disturbing the peace.

After I calmed down a little, I went and checked the circuit breaker. Sure enough, something had overloaded my breaker and tripped it. Guess what I did??? I actually added two new breakers to my box. WHAT??? I DID!!! REALLY!!!

This job took me about 4 hours ‘cause first I had to go to Home Depot and buy the necessary supplies. OK…Now I was done and once again I flipped on the lights. THIS time everything went on EXCEPT my roof lights…NATURALLY. Now, to make a long story short (Which is NO LONGER POSSIBLE), I had to check EACH and EVERY light. The string for the roof was on the OLD School system and when one light goes out, they ALL go out.

This took me ANOTHER four hours of manual labor. I was just glad that they even still MADE these kinds of bulbs. Finally, after all the aggravation, Once again I flipped the switch and Voilà, the lights went on.

I was so tired and aggravated after all this I decided I needed a good DRUNK. Inside the house I went, poured myself several Vodka and Cranberries and got good and wasted. Hey I DESERVED it…

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 I hope YOUR Holiday light setup went a lot better than mine. I feel better now that I shared that…Thanks for listening.

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Season Madness

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Raise your hand if you’re going Christmas shopping this year. Hmmm, looks like quite a few of you are. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be a PEACEFUL and LOVING time of year, you know, the joys of the Season, Peace to all and Good Will to men…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Why is it that this is the time of year then where everyone seems to be a little CRAZY? 10 Billion People out all looking for the same Tickle Me Elmo Doll when the company has only made 40.

Long lines, stores opening their doors at 4:00 AM, people pushing and shoving each other, and the skirmishes out in the parking lots trying to get a space? It’s INSANE.

That’s why THIS year I have come up with a NEW idea. I’ve decided to open up a new company called “Shop Till You Drop Killers For Hire”…That’s right folks, for only 250 dollars a day you can hire out a professional mercenary to Christmas shop FOR you.

No more waiting in long lines or having to get up early. Killer For Hire will take care of ALL your Christmas shopping needs. I pick them from the best of the best, right out of Soldier Of Fortune Magazine.

Each Soldier is trained in both chemical AND tactical warfare so you have Absolutely NO worries about acquiring the items that you want. Any MISHAPS that may occur to the general population are considered CASUALTIES of the Season and you will NOT be held personally responsible.

This way YOU can just sit back in the luxury of your homes, have a tall refreshing drink, and just ENJOY the Peace and Love of the Season as it was intended to be.

All Killers For Hire are GUARANTEED to get you ALL your Christmas items OR your money back. Hurry up and call the number on your screen NOW for your very own Shop Till You Drop Killer For Hire. Operators are standing by.

Call 1-860-555-5555 or if you live in some God awful remote part of the world where they have no phone service, write me at Sooz’s “Shop Till You Drop Killers For Hire” at P.O. Box 863, Dumbfuck Az, 21354. Killers ARE limited so call NOW!!!

Until Later…

  

 

 

 

Unusual Christmas gifts

Christmas time is gift giving time. It’s the time of year where you are looking for just the right gift to give to Uncle Bart or Aunt Fee Fee. You’ve searched and searched and still no creative ideas. What do you do?

Well, worry no more. Here are some great Christmas gifts for those “Hard To Buy For” friends or relatives. Here is the first little gem for your buying pleasure.

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The Santa Tootin’ Tush is a hysterical Christmas decoration to hang around the house or as a new favorite ornament on the tree. Santa does a lot of work on Christmas Eve and it apparently gives him some serious gas. It’s a lot of pressure on Old Saint Nick. Squeeze the Santa Tootin’ Tush Farting Ornament and it will fart a few bars of “Deck The Halls” for an impressive 15 or so seconds. If you think that’s easy, why don’t you try it at home? (Note: It may be very possible after a huge Christmas meal)

Each farting holiday ornament is about 5″ tall by 3″ wide and made of polyester fiber.  Batteries included. For Ages 3 & Up.

Price: $9.95

OR…How about this?

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                       OOPS

NOW Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph CRAPPY?!

Watch out below, looks like one of Santa’s sleigh team is a little backed up for the holidays. This funny labeled, root beer flavored, gumball filled container makes for an unexpected holiday gift. Place it under the Christmas tree or stuff it in a stocking, either way the recipient is going to poop himself with laughter!

Each funny labeled, clear container is filled with approx. 24, 1 inch in diameter, Root Beer Flavored, Gum Balls.

Price: $5.95

Last but not least we have this:

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The Magic Growing Christmas Tree when fully grown, looks like a real Christmas tree. Not like those dopey Sea Monkeys, that did nothing but die on us. Easier than stuffing a stocking, simply insert the Magic Growing Christmas Tree in it’s dish, spread the branches, add the “magical” water and watch it grow.  Actually, the Magic Growing Christmas Tree takes about 12 hours to grow, so unless you like to stare, go about your business. However, don’t forget to check on it every now and then and you’ll start to see the very cool transformation.

Includes:

– String of Christmas Balls
– Sparkles
– A shiny star to top off your beautiful new Magic Growing Christmas Tree.

The Magic Growing Christmas Tree stands approx. 6″ tall and should last 3 to 4 days after grown.

Price: $7.95

Stop on line and buy today @http://www.baronbob.com/xmas.htm. Remember, no more need to Worry over presents. Shop today and satisfy ALL your shopping needs.

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I need your help. My boyfriend has a very annoying habit. Every time after he eats he purposely Belches as loud as he can. He believes this is funny and continues this disgusting behavior even though I have told him I find it childish. In every other way he is a good boyfriend, how can I BREAK him of this annoying habit.

Belching Baby

Dear Belching:

This is very common with emotionally immature men. Here is what you do. The next time, and EVERY TIME he belches, Rip off a really disgusting Fart.

 Make sure you eat lots of broccoli. This will produce an extremely noxious odor that will be very hard for him to be around. As you expel this gas, you LAUGH loudly. See how HE likes it. If he has ANY sense of smell at all, this should help cure him of his disgusting habit.

IF for some reason he continues to be immature, scare the HELL out of him by telling him that your PREGNANT. After he regains consciousness, LAUGH and tell him you were only kidding. This should help him GROW up and stop this behavior going forward.

Dear Sooz:

I have kind of a STRANGE problem. When my girlfriend and I make love, she NEVER makes any noise when she comes. This is a little disconcerting for me. I BELIEVE I am a good lover yet she never seems to be experiencing the joys of passion as I do. She SAYS that she enjoys it and that she DOES experience orgasm, but, I would just like to feel PART of her experience. What should I do?

Perplexed Pussy

Dear Perplexed:

Everybody experiences their pleasure differently. She just happens to be the demure silent type. Not EVERYONE can experience the Fourth of July Fire Cracker Explosions as I do. As I see it there are two possible things you can do.

* Try different positions–Sometimes the USUAL BORING way doesn’t always excite some folks. Try hanging her upside down while swinging like a monkey while doing it. This should increase the blood supply to her VITAL organs which in turn may help stimulate her.

* Accept her as she is–Tell her you love her no matter WHAT a terrible LAY she is and go about your business.

If either one of these things doesn’t help, the problem lies with YOU. You are just a terrible LAY. Get some books and or some sex counseling. Study up and like the teachers say…”Practice Makes Perfect.” Good Luck…

Until Later…

Happy Thanksgiving

To all who celebrate Thanksgiving today, I want to wish you all Happy Thanksgiving. Eat, Drink and be Merry. I love you all…      

Sooz                                                                                   

 

 

 

 

Thanksgiving…The REAL Story

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Tomorrow, (If you’re reading this on Wednesday), is Thanksgiving, a day for stuffing our faces, drinking till we puke , Oh yeah, and of course being thankful that we CAN eat and drink till we puke.

I thought that today I would take you back to the first Thanksgiving and give you the Paul Harvey version of the event. “What”, you say, “it wasn’t a blissful, and meaningful day of friendship and harmony?” Well, it was, but there were a few kinks in the story here and God forbid…The gathering didn’t even have any Football to watch.

Back in 1621 when it was supposed to have happened, you have to remember, in November in Plymouth Mass, it was “colder than a witches tit”. Plus, the Indians at the time didn’t have Armani clothing like the Pilgrims did. They, (The Indians, Or better known as The Red Man), just wore funny looking little swim trunks, moccasins, and some feathers on their heads. They were freezing’ their ASSES off.

It all started after the planting season had ended and THANK GOD, they produced just enough corn and berries to live through the winter. The pilgrims, always in the mood for a party said, “Let’s have a party with those scantily clothed Red men and have the first Thanksgiving.” Well, of course the red men were delighted to saver some of the bounty from the Pilgrims stash, so they put on their BEST swim trunks and feathers and headed on over to the feast.

Ahhhh, and what a feast it was too…Wild turkey, Pheasant, Goose, even some dead Eagles (ROAD KILL), were rustled up. Now the Indians also brought food to the party. They brought stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries and of course Pumpkin Pie. Ohhh…I almost forgot, they brought the MOST important thing to the party…BOOZE!!!

The Pilgrims, seeing the Indians dressed in their finest swim trunks, yet freezing their cohunes off, asked the Indians if they wanted to get a little warmer. Of course the Indians being a proud people said they would but ONLY if the Pilgrims took something from them in return. Well…That’s another blog ‘cause the pilgrims decided to take all their LAND. The Indians, (Now a little drunk), eagerly agreed and the party went on until the wee hours (What ever the HELL that is), of the morning. They ate like hogs, drank like fish, and stumbled to their beds.

Sooooo, there you have the TRUE story of Thanksgiving. Oh…BTW…If anyone really BELIEVES this, I have some property I am trying to unload…Call me.

Until Later…