Hansel and Gretel Meet the 3 Little Pigs


Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a brother and sister named Hansel and Gretel. Now, (as the story goes), Hansel, being the oldest, was always getting blamed for stuff that Gretel actually did. Ya come on…like THIS never happened to YOU??? Anyway, this really PISSED Hansel off so one day , he got an idea.

He would frame Gretel for something that HE actually did. He thought and thought until he had it. One night while having dinner, Hansel,(while his sister wasn’t looking), put an entire can of pepper into his mothers bowl of mush. What the hell IS mush anyway??? Notice how all these fargin’ stories have MUSH in them? Then…He carefully went over to Gretel, hugged her, and slipped the empty can into Gretel’s dress pocket, JUST LIKE HOUDINI.
When their mother tasted her mush, (Question……Where are all the damn FATHERS in these stories, ya NEVER hear about the fathers… just sayin’),she turned a deep shade of red, ( Let’s say…Vermillion…I just LIKE that word), and started to choke. Wanting to get a little boob action, (Hansel was 14 and never had boob action before), gave his mother the Heimlich Maneuver(The wrong way), until his mother kicked him in the balls.

After her choking fit ended, she DEMANDED to know WHO had put the pepper in her mush. Finally able to nurse his way back to his knees, Hansel pointed to his sisters pocket. Well, his mother saw the can in Gretel’s pocket, and furious….She kicked them BOTH out and told them not to come home until it was meatloaf night. Now…Meatloaf night was always on Tuesdays and since this was only Wednesday, they would have to just wander in the woods for a week. Hey…This is just a story people!!!

So they packed a couple of mush sandwiches, some clean underwear, and a flashlight,  (It’s MY story so shhhhhh), and headed out into the deep dark woods.

They walked and walked until they could walk no more. Hey… it’s hard to walk in the woods at night, tripping over branches, muskrats, and bears and things. With exhaustion setting in, they decided to rest.

The next morning, they awoke to a bright sun filled day and continued their journey. They had only traveled about a mile when in the distance, they saw three unique houses. Quickly, they gathered their things together and raced towards this civilization.

When they got there, they noticed three different stylings of homes. The first was made out of straw, the second one was made all out of glass, and the third one was made outta bricks. Hansel and Gretel noticed that outside, (Doing yard work), were three little pigs.

“Hi“, said Hansel and Gretel. “Hi” said the pigs (These were talking pigs…Phew…good thing hu?). The pigs asked what Hansel and Gretel were doing so far from home and the kids explained it to them…“Wow, said the pigs…”Your mom sounds like a bitch”….

Hansel and Gretel hearing the pigs defaming their mother got very angry. Hansel picked up a stone that was lying in the front yard and threw it as hard as he could against the glass house. Well, sure enough, when the stone landed, it shattered the house and glass went flying everywhere.

Scared that the pigs would hunt them down like dogs and eat them, they high tailed it the hell outta there. Back into the woods they ran until they finally arrived back home. Hansel approached his mother, apologized for copping a feel and accepted the blame for the pepper incident also.

Their mother was soooo happy to have them back she baked them both a special pie. After this…Hansel and Gretel never got into any trouble again, and lived happily ever after.


The moral of the story here is clear…People who build glass houses shouldn’t have stones at their homes…. Spend a few bucks…Build a brick one damn it.

The End….

Until Later…

14 thoughts on “Hansel and Gretel Meet the 3 Little Pigs

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