Christmas Season Madness


Raise your hand if you’re going Christmas shopping this year. Hmmm, looks like quite a few of you are. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be a PEACEFUL and LOVING time of year, you know, the joys of the Season, Peace to all and Good Will to men…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Why is it that this is the time of year then where everyone seems to be a little CRAZY? 10 Billion People out all looking for the same Tickle Me Elmo Doll when the company has only made 40.

Long lines, stores opening their doors at 4:00 AM, people pushing and shoving each other, and the skirmishes out in the parking lots trying to get a space? It’s INSANE.

That’s why THIS year I have come up with a NEW idea. I’ve decided to open up a new company called “Shop Till You Drop Killers For Hire”…That’s right folks, for only 250 dollars a day you can hire out a professional mercenary to Christmas shop FOR you.

No more waiting in long lines or having to get up early. Killer For Hire will take care of ALL your Christmas shopping needs. I pick them from the best of the best, right out of Soldier Of Fortune Magazine.

Each Soldier is trained in both chemical AND tactical warfare so you have Absolutely NO worries about acquiring the items that you want. Any MISHAPS that may occur to the general population are considered CASUALTIES of the Season and you will NOT be held personally responsible.

This way YOU can just sit back in the luxury of your homes, have a tall refreshing drink, and just ENJOY the Peace and Love of the Season as it was intended to be.

All Killers For Hire are GUARANTEED to get you ALL your Christmas items OR your money back. Hurry up and call the number on your screen NOW for your very own Shop Till You Drop Killer For Hire. Operators are standing by.

Call 1-860-555-5555 or if you live in some God awful remote part of the world where they have no phone service, write me at Sooz’s “Shop Till You Drop Killers For Hire” at P.O. Box 863, Dumbfuck Az, 21354. Killers ARE limited so call NOW!!!

Until Later…





9 thoughts on “Christmas Season Madness

  1. Killers may be limited, but now that the first round of shopping has finished, I bet you can find plenty of people willing to volunteer.
    Plus, they’ve already survived the first round, so they’re battle tested!


  2. Ha! We do think alike don’t we. I asked my boss a few years back if it would be wrong to ice a couple of shoppers at the beginning of the day, leave them propped up at the entrance with a sign saying “Don’t Be An Asshole, Or Else!”. Sadly after checking with corporate, he said we couldn’t do it. Damn corporate stuffy suit guy! Something about liability and jail time for murder, you know such petty crap. It would have been fun though. And a jury of my peers would have acquitted me…… 😀


  3. Although I avoided the Black Friday rush, I spent some time browsing over the weekend and ran into a granny who I wouldn’t want to tangle with. They say “Old Age and Treachery will Overcome Youth and Skill.” After seeing Rambo’s grandmother at Macy’s, I believe it!


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