Chances Are, He’s Just Not That Into You

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For many women, we do whatever we can to catch a guy we like and then keep him. Guys…If this sounds a little like HUNTING, it is. We stalk our prey; “accidentally” meet up with you at some bar or other event, dazzle you with our feminine wilds, and then go in for the kill.

Like a deer in headlights, he usually has NO idea what is really happening. Every once in a while however, the many charms we display just don’t seem to take hold. Here are some sure fire hints that the guy just isn’t that into you.

  • You ask if he likes kids and he jokingly answers YES…Covered in chocolate sauce.
  • You give him your number and he NEVER calls you. This is a balls on giveaway that he MIGHT not be that into you.
  • You dazzle him with your SPARKLING conversation while HE checks out other women.
  • He cancels your dates at the last minute with excuses like he has to visit a DEAD aunt or other relative.
  • He tells you that he IS into you BUT he needs to have his own SPACE. What IS he a freakin’ DOG? If he says this, tell him he can have ALL the space he wants…ON THE MOON!!!
  • He NEVER remembers the important things you tell him like…Your favorite song, your favorite drink…Your NAME…
  • He always wants to take you out to some dark remote place where no one can ever see you together. Chances are if THIS happens, he IS into your BODY and NOT you. That’s what his wife is for.
  • He tells you he is Gay but you KNOW he has dated OTHER WOMEN. This is a common ploy and you should walk away immediately.
  • He wants you to cook, do his laundry and asks you to continually do things for him. RUN for the hills…This guy needs his MOTHER and NOT you. Once a mommy’s boy, ALWAYS a Momma’s boy. Buy him a rattle or a stuffed animal and say see ya later amigo.
  • He just wants to be FRIENDS??????? WTF??? Tell him you have a LOT of friends and you need a man who will share your life NOT just go to BALL GAMES with him. If he DOES tell you this, tell him thanks but no thanks and RUN just as fast as you can.

 

We all want to be in a successful relationship and have a partner we can lean on and trust. Believe me, there IS someone out there for all of us. Just watch for the signs above and if you find that you are involved with one of these, cut the string and MOVE ON. Hope this helps you.

 

Until Later…

 

 

 

   

Planning the New Year’s Eve Party

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I know what you’re gonna say…Acohol…NOPE…I was gonna say CONDOMS for when the alcohol takes effect. Hehehehe. Of COURSE you need alcohol silly, but you also need some OTHER things too.

How about some Pizza and wings? It just isn’t a party unless you have plenty of pizza and wings to shove into your mouth while consuming LARGE quantities of alcohol. I mean where is the fun if somebody doesn’t consume WAY too much food and alcohol and puke all over the toilet for an hour or so. It’s THEN, and ONLY then, you know you’re getting close to midnight.

 You need lots of games. Oh YEAH….I am a HUGE game player so I need lots of stimulating Stripping games to help move the party along. Twister is actually one of my FAVORITES. Nothing more fun than to see my friends or ME get tangled on top of someone in a drunken stupor and PROCREATING right there on the game board.

 

 Hey, don’t forget the music. No party is complete without ALL styles of music. I’m talkin’ from classic rock and country, to downright NASTY Gangsta Rap and Hard core Metal music. Usually at MY parties, I hire a live group who can accommodate ALL of those styles.

 

Finally, towards 4 or 5 AM, we play the guessing game, who is going home with whose spouse or girlfriend? Another one is WHO can actually DRIVE??? I NEVER let someone drive who has had too much to drink. I have a special person in charge of keys who monitors the alcohol consumption of my guests, and then removes their keys at the end of the evening if they are too drunk to drive.

 

I have plenty of room in my home for several people to stay over so it is NEVER any problem. It’s ALSO advantageous for me because Usually, I just wander from room to room in my drunken stupor and sleep with as many guests who are staying over as possible. Gotta LOVE New Year’s Eve parties, what a blast.

 

I hope you all have a Happy and safe New Year’s Eve and HEY, if you have nowhere to go, come and party at MY home, I can ALWAYS use another drunken person to sleep with. Happy New Year…

 

Until Later…

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I am a 30 Year old homemaker with an unusual problem. I LOVE to Vacuum. That’s right, you heard me right, I LOVE to vacuum. I get up in the morning, have my morning coffee, and then start vacuuming away like crazy. After lunch I feel like I MAY have spilled crumbs so I vacuum again. The same is true after dinner.

I seem to get a rush out of the noise and the feeling of cleanliness after vacuuming. Is this NORMAL or should I seek help?

I SUCK…

 

Dear Suck:

You are INDEED crazy as a bedbug. The excessive vacuuming is what the medical field calls obsessive compulsive disorder. In LAYMAN’S terms, we just call it LOONEY TUNES.

There is absolutely NO house in THIS world that could POSSIBLY ever need to be vacuumed that much. Not even MINE. I suggest you see a Dr. and start imbibing LARGE quantities of OCD drugs. If this doesn’t work and you still have the compulsion to vacuum, I need my house cleaned every Tuesday and Thursday. Bring your vacuum and go CRAZY. Regards…

 

Dear Sooz:

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for the last year. He is an attorney and whenever I go to visit him his secretary seems a little TOO interested in our goings on. Yesterday she asked me what we were doing, where we were going and jokingly asked if I would have Bob back before the end of the day.

When we were at the show last night, I THOUGHT I saw her sitting a few rows in back of us. When I asked Bob about it he just says I must be imagining things and to just let it go.  He claims that his secretary was just trying to be “friendly”. What do YOU think?

Can you say STALKER?

 

Dear Stalker:

I think your attorney boyfriend is using one of the practices of his trade…LYING…I agree with you, I think he used to be or still IS playing what I call “Balancing the Broad”. I would drop his dead ass piece of manhood faster than a hot coal in your hand. You deserve much better.

I hate gamers, always have. If I were you I would tell him that you have found another guy who treats you much better and to just go back and bang miss Nosy Nellie. My heart goes out to you honey. Good luck.

Until Later…

 

This New Year I Promise That…

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I will stop drinking…At LEAST for 24 hrs. Okay…I better revise that because that is WAAAAY to long…How about between 3 Am and 6 AM. Yeah… THAT I can definitely do.

I will be kinder to my fellow man…Just so long as I don’t keep getting HIT on by all those CRAAZY bastards. I mean a girl can ONLY take so much.

I will keep my potty mouth in check…I definitely should be able to do THIS  as long as nobody SPEAKS to me or PISSES me off.

I will be more giving…What I MEAN here is that I will actually GIVE to the IRS what I SHOULD have declared within the last FIVE business years.

I will stop BITCHING about my FU**ING ankle… Man…Don’t EVER break your FU**ING ankle, Damn thing STILL bothers me…Hey…It’s NOT the New Year yet so bug off, I can STILL BITCH…

I will NEVER come home with STRANGE men or women again…UNLESS of course, I am drunk…DAMN…That one’s a loser, I’m ALWAYS drunk. Never Mind…A

I will never steal clients from my former company…Hehehehehehehehe….Yeah RIGHT….Hehehehehehe. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ……….

I will donate my time to a homeless shelter…At least THAT way I’ll get to see my relatives. J

I will ONLY go to bed with people who’s name begins with an A… Example— A man, A woman, BOTH A Man and A Woman…

I will work out more this year…Once a month should DO it right? I mean I don’t wanna get TOO muscular…

I will only write about Sex and Drunkeness 5 times a week…The OTHER 2 days, I will just PRACTICE what I write about.

I hope YOUR New Year’s Resolutions work out for you. Hey, if NOT, there is ALWAYS next year, Right???…Have a great night everyone…

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Returned Gifts

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Okay…Xmas is over and now we get back to the REALLY important things of the season, returning our gifts. If you’re like ME, you get tons of gifts that you hump back to the stores the very next day. I mean what are you gonna Do with THREE Cheese graters? Alright I only have two BUT, do I REALLY need more than one?

And what about that table top lighter you got in the form of a topless Marilyn Monroe, it’s cute, but you DON’T smoke and would your Bible Belting friends from Jehovah Witnesses really appreciate your taste in art?

Oh, and don’t forget all the gag gifts you got like edible underwear and dribble glasses. Hell, the dribble glasses are funny BUT, I usually wind up dribbling myself ANYWAY so what’s the point?

I find that if you get up very early in the morning and get to the stores just as they’re opening, you can usually get to gift returns WITHOUT having to CALL ahead for a reservation in line. I know, I have learned after having to literally FIGHT the crowds from years past. I think I earned my BLACK BELT in pushing and shoving and a BROWN belt in cussing.

On a good day, you’ll get a clerk who is not TOO hung over to help you. IF however you Do, you MAY wind up having to repeat yourself five or six times explaining just WHY you are taking back this one of a kind Marilyn Monroe lighter.

Usually, I’m too hung over myself to care, so for the most part I just go with the flow and explain that I wanted her BOTTOMLESS too. This usually shuts them up and I get my money back.

Now I’ll go and find that PERFECT something for myself that I just CAN’T live without. This year I bought a set of bar glasses with pictures of a topless Marilyn Monroe…Okay…I know…Go figure…

Until Later…

 

 

 

Sneakers…Are You Kidding Me

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I asked my Aunts son what he wanted for Christmas and he advised me that he would LOVE a pair of Designer Sneakers. He said he had always dreamed of owning a pair of Alexander McQueen Navy Blue Scalloped Leather Toed beauties. Now bear in mind that I have NEVER purchased men’s sneakers.

 I had NO idea of the cost for these pieces of GOLD. I mean when my Aunts kids were growing up, they would just drive around to an area where they would see sneakers thrown over a power line and just search for the SIZE.

I SHOULD have known when my Aunt said WOW…That’s really generous and smiled as wide as the Cheshire Cat, I was in for a surprise. Not wanting to disappoint, I started my online search. When my eyes caught the price, I think I lost 4 lbs.…In my PURSE. Are you KIDDING me??? The price tag on these sneakers from HELL was $405.00.

AFTER my heart re-started, I decided to search around for a better price. Seriously???  Sneakers at Wal-Mart are only about $30.00…What’s the price difference? Do these sneakers last for LIFE? Are they GUARANTEED for teenage boys to SCORE with women? Do they make you run FASTER than a speeding bullet?

Nooooooooooooooooope!!!!!!!! It’s because they are made by specialized cobblers from Santa’s workshop. Seriously??? Can you think of a better reason other than pure and simple GREED? Bottom line…I got them for $387.00. I felt much better now. I got a great deal. For buying the sneakers, I also got a Mercedes Benz as a free gift. Just kidding but I thought I should have after taking THAT fleecing.

If the truth be told, I DO pay that kinda money or more for MY shoes but hey, they go on MY feet, not some teenage boy who will wear them out in a year. Well, at least he will get a present he won’t forget…Until NEXT year.

Until Later…

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays To All

This is a special time of year for me and yet also lonely. As many of you know, I have never married, do not have a family of my own, and am an only child. Yes, I will spend it with my Aunt and her family, yet I also feel like my internet friends are ALSO my family.

I know, I value my privacy and to many here, that may mean I am just another internet fly by night person. I assure you, I am a real person who lives and breathes and feels just as you do.

Tonight, I am sitting in front of my fireplace, (it’s cold here), around 50 degrees, and I am thinking about all of you. What will YOU be doing Xmas, do you have family and friends to celebrate with, children, etc.

I just wanted you to know, even though I portray myself as a drinking Nymphomaniac, (YEAH… I really am those things), I truly care for each and everyone of you out there in WordPress Land. I know, I don’t REALLY even know you, BUT, still, after spending so much time with you here and reading you, I FEEL as if you are my extended family.

I just want to extend to all of you who read me a SINCERE thank you first off, and I hope your Holiday is spent in Peace, Love, and with family.

God Bless you all…

Merry Christmas,Happy Chanukah, Happy Quanza, OR…Just have a Happy 25Th. Day of December.

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

My husband is bald and wears a toupee. The problem is,  it is a very bad rug. When we are out, people stare and laugh at him. I feel bad for him and have told him that he ought to get a better piece.

 Seriously, his hairpiece looks like he is wearing a RAT that just came through a Hurricane. I have told him about this but he maintains it FEELS great on his head and that I am just being silly.

How can I persuade him that I am right and convince him to get a better hairpiece?

Follically Challenged Wife in Charlotte

 

Dear Follically Challenged:

First of all, let me just say that “bald is beautiful”. Let him know you love him for WHO he is and not because of his toupee. Convince him that “grass doesn’t grow on a busy street”. Compliment his bald head and let him know how sexy he is without having to wear ANY hairpiece. Then, tell him if he ever wears that rag again you will use it to mop the floor.

Explain to him that other options are available. He can have a hair transplant if he has enough hair on the back of his head, OR possibly get a weave. There are some very nice looking toupees out there that are virtually undetectable. Have him check out one of these options.

One other option I can recommend is the Chia Pet Hair Look. Simply rub some dirt on your husband’s head, plant the seeds, and water amply. With true Chia Pet results, within 3 days he should have a BEAUTIFUL head of hair, grass. Sure it will be GREEN but it will fit naturally to his scalp and will FEEL great.

I sincerely hope this helps you…

 

Dear Sooz:

I’m writing you because I THINK I may have a problem. I seem to be drinking quite a bit and I am beginning to think I MIGHT be an alcoholic. I usually have two or three drinks when I first get up, a couple at lunch, and then get fully blown wasted when I get home.

Friends have said I should go to AA but I’m not sure I am ready to completely give up alcohol at this point. What do YOU think?

Tipsy Tara

 

Dear Tipsy:

This is a hard one for me because I myself like to also tip a few back. If the truth be told, I am drunk as I am writing this reply. MY view is this. If we weren’t supposed to drink, we wouldn’t have discovered HOW to distill fruits and grains right???

I too have been told I should go to AA but there are just too many damn steps. I mean come on, 12…WTF!!! You’ve gotta be kidding me. I would get through the first five and then be DRUNK again. I mean as Cyndi Lauper says…Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. That’s MY opinion also.

If you feel you NEED to stop drinking because it is affecting your life, I would say do so, otherwise…Cheers…HIC!!!