I received your letter requesting what you wanted for Christmas and I thought I’d better write back and go over a few things with you. Let me just say this, like everyone else in the world today, there have been some cutbacks at the North Pole.
Your request for the Rabbit Vibrator was a little unorthodox to ask for from Santa Clause. Don’t get me WRONG…Santa would LOVE to see you use it, BUT…Mrs. Clause would have a Freakin’ Reindeer. How about instead, I bring you a nice Wine? Hey, look at the bright side Sooz, it has TWO uses. One, drink the wine and feel really good, after all, that’s what the Christmas Spirit is all about right? Two, well…I’ll let you use your IMAGINATION what the empty wine bottle could be used for but I think you catch my drift.
Your request for the DeLorean was a real toughie. Hell, I want one of those too. The problem is, even though the Government CLEARED DeLorean of any drug trafficking, there is STILL a watchful eye on anyone who recently acquires one. I can’t be involved with the Feds. coming down on my operation here. I suggest if you REALLY want the DeLorean, BOOST it yourself. That way the Oneness is entirely on you. How about a nice Ford Escape instead? I hear they are GREAT on gas mileage.
OK Sooz, the last one about getting you a man to marry, that also WORKS and makes GREAT money to support your alcohol and BINGO addictions, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. First of all I am NOT a matchmaker. Oh sure I did it for Natalie Woods mother in the movie Miracle On 34TH. Street, BUT…I was paid a PILE full of money. If you want a mate that bad, I suggest you do what every other woman does, stay off the Booze, look sexy, and offer SEX in order to snare him. Once you HAVE him, you can do whatever the Hell you want.
I’m sorry Sooz, please send another letter with some more REASONABLE requests and I would be glad to consider them. Oh, one more thing, Mrs. Clause got a hold of your letter and on the last line about instead of milk and cookies you implied giving me a HUMMER…I’m sorry but that won’t be possible. Just leave the milk and cookies, PLEASE!!!