Astrology for Dummies

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I was going to write something a sweet and lovey in observance of Valentine’s Day coming up, BUT…I decided to write something Schlocky instead. I thought I would talk about Astrology. A lot of folks read their astrology’s every day. As for me, I read it when I can. I mean I personally don’t believe that the STARS can tell us when we need to get LAID and by WHO.

For those of you who MAY not know, my Birthday is on March 15th. 19…Bla Bla Bla…Being born on this date makes me a Pisces. My COMMON name is Fish. So, you may just call me fish if you like, (NOT that I’m COMMON).

The traits of my sign say that I’m:

  • Loveable
  • Sexy
  • Smart
  • Prosperous
  • Good Looking
  • Extremely well organized
  • I can F**K like a rabbit
  • I can leap tall buildings in a single bound
  • I’m faster than a speeding bullet (In Bed)

OK…You caught me…I lied…I am NOT faster than a speeding bullet, But, I do have the numbers of PI memorized up to the 12th. digit. See, told you I was quite the catch, (Get it??? Fish…Quite the catch??? Oh never mind).

My Zodiac element is water, (DUH…A FISH), my Sign ruler is Neptune, (No surprise THERE right), my Detriment is Mercury, (Whatever the HELL that means), my Exaltation is Venus, (WTF???), and my Fall is Mercury.

Just suffice it to say that I have NO F**KING idea what the HELL this means. No…Don’t bother explaining it to me ‘cause I won’t understand it anyway nor would I care. My horoscope for today is as follows:

MY Horoscope for Wednesday, January 30th

This is a time for making long-range plans, seeing the big picture, and thinking about what is really important to you in the long run. The trivial details and business of day-to-day living does not dominate your attention now. This is also an excellent time for business functions, negotiations, and communication.

 

Love:

 

 

60%

Emotions:

 

 

95%

Intuition:

 

 

54%

Creativity:

 

 

27%

Work:

 

 

23%

Money:

 

 

9%


Power Numbers: 34, 43, 27, 30, 2, 33

 

Now I suppose if I play these numbers I will also win the Lottery right? Well OK, let’s see here…My LOVE meter is in HIGH…My Emotions are on RED alert and my Intuition is good…Well, lookie here, it IS right…Maybe I was wrong. Sorry folks but I have to go; I have to play the lottery before the store by me closes. Talk to you all later.

 

Until Later…

 

Threesomes

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I’ve come here today to discuss threesomes. Yup, that’s what I said, threesomes. This is something that pretty much ALL guys and also many women would like to try. I hear some of the ladies out there saying: “I never wanted to have a threesome.” To that I would say, “Come on, you never even thought about being wrapped up in a man or woman sandwich?”

To many folks they are un-natural or even disgustingly dirty. To that I say WHY? If you enjoy the physicality of sexual response, wouldn’t you think that three is more fun than two? I have had several threesomes with different genders and I can tell you that it’s a GREAT sleeping pill.

Some of you may WANT one but are too afraid to ask, DON’T be. There are many men and women out there who are just WAITING to be asked. SERIOUSLY!!! I just want you to know, I’m not trying to be flip about this, if it goes against your religion or personal code of ethics then by all means don’t consider having one.

All I’m saying here is that there are a lot of folks out there who would LOVE to try it but just don’t know the way to get started. Well, of course there is always the professional man or woman. For a price you can get just about anything you want.

If however you DON’T want to pay for it, here is what you do. I usually go to a bar or a nightclub where there are many people looking to have a good time. Pick a couple that have been there a little while and have been drinking, then,  go up to them and introduce yourself. Strike up a conversation and then when you feel comfortable, ask them if they would like to go back to your place for a little fun.

It’s NOT as difficult as you think, really. There are MANY people out there looking for the same thing as you are but are afraid to ask. The old saying, “You don’t get what you don’t ask for” is absolutely true. Once you get over your initial shyness, TRY IT…You’ll like it. Oh sure you will get shut down here and there, but I have found that after time, you get to know who will go for it and who won’t. Give it a try…You’ll LIKE it… I wish you luck but most of all…I wish you SUCCESS…

Until Later…

 

Giggle Time–Redneck Medical Terms

 

I thought this was HYSTERICAL…..Enjoy….
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
Medical Term

 

Redneck Definition
Artery
The study of paintings
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
Made eye contact with her
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not a friend
Fester
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
A small lie
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A Doctor’s cane
Morbid
A higher offer
Nitrates
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
Outpatient
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Nearly killed him
Secretion
Hiding something
Seizure
Roman Emperor
Tablet
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Tumor
One plus one more
Urine
Opposite of you’re out
 
Until Later…

Bad Pick Up Lines and Lines That Really Work

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We’ve all been there, you’re at a bar or nightclub with your girlfriends and all of a sudden this guy comes up and starts hitting on you.

Now I’m not a hard woman to pick up, BUT, I just DESPISE Cheesy, or just plain STUPID pick up lines. Here are a few that I’ve found and SOME of these I have actually heard before that actually made my skin crawl.


As a piece of advice, I wouldn’t care if you look like Johnny Depp or Jennifer Aniston, if you USE these lines on me, you’re HISTORY.

1.  Excuse me, did your skirt come from space, because your ass is from another planet?

2.  Someone told me you don’t know how to kiss; do you wanna practice on ME?

3.  Be unique and different, say YES.

4.  Come home and make love with me tonight or I will tell everybody we did it anyway.

5.  I’m not REALLY this all; I’m sitting on my wallet.

6.  Damn, you have more curves than a Formula 1 racing car.

7.  Nice skirt, can I HAVE it?

8.  Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and me together.

9.  Are your legs tired, because you been running through my mind all day?

   10. Are you LOST, ‘cause it’s so strange to see an ANGEL so far from Heaven?

 

I don’t know if any of you guys out there have used any of these, but I’m pretty sure you Ladies have certainly heard one or more of these crazy lines. Here’s a clue guys, we like the polite, confident, truthful approach. Here’s an example that will win you points with ME every time.

“Excuse me, I have been watching you from across the bar and I would very much like to get to know you better. Will you give me a chance?” Try it guys, it WORKS. We LIKE guys who show a true interest in getting to KNOW us FIRST before undoing our skirt zippers.

Just be yourself. I would say that unless you are drunk, or dress like a Hobo, we will certainly give you a chance. Next lesson: How to Woo a Woman.

Until Later…

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

Giggle time-Air Traffic Control Bloopers

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Someone sent this to me and I almost peed myself on some of these. Unbelievable…Enjoy…You just can’t make this stuff up!:

 

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ..
 
 
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
 
 
___________________________________
 
 
 
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
 
 
___________________________________
 
 
 
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this….I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
 
 
___________________________________
 
 
 
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATCasked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”
 
 
___________________________________
 
My personal favorite
 
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
“American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
 
 
___________________________________
 
 
 
 
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
“Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
“Because you lost the bloody war!”
 
 
___________________________________
 
 
 
Tower:
“Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind ofdead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern…. we’ve already notified our caterers.”
 
 
 
 
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
“What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
“I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
 
 
___________________________________
 
 
 
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan
Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
 
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience) : “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”
 
 
___________________________________
 
 
While taxiing at London’s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
“God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
 
“Wasn’t I married to you once?”
 
 
 
 
 

 

The Threesome

 
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well, more than a bit)! Then we had a snuggle and she asked me if I ever had a “Sportsman’s double”. “What’s that”, I asked,

“It’s a mother and daughter threesome” she said. “Oh” I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. “No I haven’t” I replied and I wondered what this daughter of hers might be like.

We drank some more and she smiled and said with a wink that tonight might be my lucky night!

We went back to her house and as we walked in, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mom, you still awake?”

 

Until Later…

What If

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Yesterday I posted this fun little interactive survey and everyone has given me some GREAT answers to these questions…Thank you. As promised, I am now going to give you my answers. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed yours.

 

1.  What if: the sky really WAS falling?

 I would find Chicken Little, apologize for not believing him the first time and give him a high five. Then, I would well…Probably DIE,,,After all, the F**KING SKY is falling.

2.  What if: Pigs really COULD fly?

Seriously??? I would have to find an EXTREMELY well made umbrella to divert all the dropping Pig S**T from the already fallen sky.

3.  What if: Justin Bieber really COULD sing?

Well, I would say that we will be seeing everyone making SNOWMEN and ICE SKATING in HELL!!!

4.  What if: clothes were OPTIONAL in our Society?

Finally…I get to see me some FINE MALE/FEMALE ASS and some great looking TITS and HONKERS…Seriously, WHEN is this day coming???

5.  What if: there were never any Hangovers?

Are you KIDDING me, I would be drunk ALL the time…Oh WAIT…I already AM…Well, at LEAST I wouldn’t have any HANGOVERS…:)

6.  What if: Mary Poppins was a REAL Nanny?

I’d have her watch all my ILLEGITIMATE KIDS. Oh and have parties on the ceiling with Ed Wynn…

7.  What if: You won 200 million dollars in the lottery, what would you spend our money on?

CHARITY…Yeah RIGHT…I would blow it all on fast cars, Men/Women and Booze…Okay, maybe give a little to the Rainbow coalition…Nah…Definitely fast cars, men. women and booze.

8.  What if: You had a Genie, what would be your three wishes?

** See Number 7**

9.  What if: You had the answer to the question, What came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

I would be a goddess and rule all those who Didn’t KNOW…Plus…I’d probably be the richest chicken farming BITCH in all the world.

10. What if: The Green Lantern fought Wonder Woman, who would win and WHY?

Is there REALLY any DOUBT??? Wonder Woman has TITS….Green Lantern is MALE…DUH???

11. What if: There was a GOOD reason for writing this drivel, what would it be?

Making new friends, playing with the old ones, and generally just having a great time. 🙂 Thanks for playing…

Until Later…

What IF

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How many times have you asked yourself this question? Here are a few what ifs…How would YOU answer these? I will give MY answers after you give ME your funniest replies. Copy the list with your answers and then copy me. This should be a lot of fun. Good luck.

 

1.  What if: the sky really WAS falling?

2.  What if: Pigs really COULD fly?

3.  What if: Justin Bieber really COULD sing?

4.  What if: clothes were OPTIONAL in our Society?

5.  What if: there were never any Hangovers?

6.  What if: Mary Poppins was a REAL Nanny?

7.  What if: You won 200 million dollars in the lottery, what would you spend our money on?

8.  What if: You had a Genie, what would be your three wishes?

9.  What if: You had the answer to the question, What came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

10. What if: The Green Lantern fought Wonder Woman, who would win and WHY?

11. What if: There was GOOD reasons for writing this drivel, what would it be?

Until Later…

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I am 34, lesbian and I need your help. My girlfriend of 12 years has just told me that she is pregnant. I just can’t believe it. After 12 years of love and devotion she tells me that it was a mistake. She says she went out with her friends from work one night and it just happened. She says she still loves me and that she wants to have this child and raise it with me. What shall I do I am so torn.

Motherless Child

 

Dear Child:

The thing is, if she is a lesbian than HOW the HELL did this happen. Oh never mind, of course I KNOW how it happened, I just don’t understand WHY. Are you sure that your girlfriend is a true lesbian and not Bi? I mean what would happen if she does this AGAIN? I believe if I were you I would just cut my losses and let HER figure this out. I believe if she truly loved you she would not ALLOWED herself to get into this situation. Yes, people make mistakes but I am not so sure that this was just an HONEST mistake.

Tell this two timing hussy to “Hit the Road Jackie” and just keep on movin’. I would suggest counseling here but I don’t really believe it would help. I truly believe she may be Bi and do this again, just my opinion. I wish you the best of luck, this is a hard one.

 

Dear Sooz:

Let me just start out by saying that I dislike my Mother in Law to the absolute last degree possible. She is a controlling, egotistical, demanding Bitch. I said it this way because I didn’t want to put her in a totally bad light. I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t cook well enough, clean well enough, hell, I can’t even keep my husband satisfied according to her. I really love my husband but she is getting on my last nerve. What can I do?

Maniacal Mother in Law Murderess in Wait

 

Dear Maniacal:

 

So from what I’m hearing, you DON’T like your Mother In Law, Is that a fair statement? It’s a shame really, sometime you get a good one and sometimes you get a BITCH. Here’s what you do, take her to lunch and explain to her that you are married to her SON. Explain to her that her SON worships the ground that you walk on.

While you May not be the best cleaner or cook, you sure as HELL can ROCK HIS WORLD and he LOVES every FREAKIN’ minute of it too. Explain to her that it is her SON you are trying to please NOT her.

Very gently tell her that if she doesn’t lay off you, a friend of yours named Guido will be paying her a visit shortly. Let her know that Guido doesn’t like overly aggressive, egotistical little pukes like her and would be glad to teach her how to walk the line. So… BACK OFF BABY…I hope this helps you.

Until Later…