Just Ask Sooz


Dear Sooz:

I am 34, lesbian and I need your help. My girlfriend of 12 years has just told me that she is pregnant. I just can’t believe it. After 12 years of love and devotion she tells me that it was a mistake. She says she went out with her friends from work one night and it just happened. She says she still loves me and that she wants to have this child and raise it with me. What shall I do I am so torn.

Motherless Child


Dear Child:

The thing is, if she is a lesbian than HOW the HELL did this happen. Oh never mind, of course I KNOW how it happened, I just don’t understand WHY. Are you sure that your girlfriend is a true lesbian and not Bi? I mean what would happen if she does this AGAIN? I believe if I were you I would just cut my losses and let HER figure this out. I believe if she truly loved you she would not ALLOWED herself to get into this situation. Yes, people make mistakes but I am not so sure that this was just an HONEST mistake.

Tell this two timing hussy to “Hit the Road Jackie” and just keep on movin’. I would suggest counseling here but I don’t really believe it would help. I truly believe she may be Bi and do this again, just my opinion. I wish you the best of luck, this is a hard one.


Dear Sooz:

Let me just start out by saying that I dislike my Mother in Law to the absolute last degree possible. She is a controlling, egotistical, demanding Bitch. I said it this way because I didn’t want to put her in a totally bad light. I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t cook well enough, clean well enough, hell, I can’t even keep my husband satisfied according to her. I really love my husband but she is getting on my last nerve. What can I do?

Maniacal Mother in Law Murderess in Wait


Dear Maniacal:


So from what I’m hearing, you DON’T like your Mother In Law, Is that a fair statement? It’s a shame really, sometime you get a good one and sometimes you get a BITCH. Here’s what you do, take her to lunch and explain to her that you are married to her SON. Explain to her that her SON worships the ground that you walk on.

While you May not be the best cleaner or cook, you sure as HELL can ROCK HIS WORLD and he LOVES every FREAKIN’ minute of it too. Explain to her that it is her SON you are trying to please NOT her.

Very gently tell her that if she doesn’t lay off you, a friend of yours named Guido will be paying her a visit shortly. Let her know that Guido doesn’t like overly aggressive, egotistical little pukes like her and would be glad to teach her how to walk the line. So… BACK OFF BABY…I hope this helps you.

Until Later…


9 thoughts on “Just Ask Sooz

  1. Dear Sooz,

    You are an epic, and wise lady, I have come to kneel before you and pray for your wisdom. Recenlty I was in an Apple store with a group of female friends (What? Yes, it *is* possible. No, I’m not gay. They just don’t see me that way. Sober, I mean. 😉 Anyway) when I was attacked by a viscious flatulence monster. I got all kinds of horrified looks from them, and they haven’t spoken to me since. I’m also banned from the Apple store. How do I make it up to the ladies? Feck the Apple store.


    Fart Victim

    PS: Is it my fault the Apple store doesn’t have windows?


    • Dear Fart Victim:
      BACK-PEDDLE…Here is what you do. Invite them all out for a nice lunch. (We ALL like the lunch thingy), tell them that it WASN’T you in the Apple store it was someone who was NEAR you.

      The Noise they heard coming out of your ASS was actually a MUSICAL attempt of you playing their favorite tunes. IF they buy this, I suggest that you ask EACH of them to bed IMMEDIATELY as they can’t be too F**KING smart and you will CERTAINLY get LAID.

      The NEXT time however, Eat a full can of BEANO before going out and perhaps consider an ASS PLUG….Just sayin’.
      Good Luck…


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