Astrology for Dummies

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I was going to write something a sweet and lovey in observance of Valentine’s Day coming up, BUT…I decided to write something Schlocky instead. I thought I would talk about Astrology. A lot of folks read their astrology’s every day. As for me, I read it when I can. I mean I personally don’t believe that the STARS can tell us when we need to get LAID and by WHO.

For those of you who MAY not know, my Birthday is on March 15th. 19…Bla Bla Bla…Being born on this date makes me a Pisces. My COMMON name is Fish. So, you may just call me fish if you like, (NOT that I’m COMMON).

The traits of my sign say that I’m:

  • Loveable
  • Sexy
  • Smart
  • Prosperous
  • Good Looking
  • Extremely well organized
  • I can F**K like a rabbit
  • I can leap tall buildings in a single bound
  • I’m faster than a speeding bullet (In Bed)

OK…You caught me…I lied…I am NOT faster than a speeding bullet, But, I do have the numbers of PI memorized up to the 12th. digit. See, told you I was quite the catch, (Get it??? Fish…Quite the catch??? Oh never mind).

My Zodiac element is water, (DUH…A FISH), my Sign ruler is Neptune, (No surprise THERE right), my Detriment is Mercury, (Whatever the HELL that means), my Exaltation is Venus, (WTF???), and my Fall is Mercury.

Just suffice it to say that I have NO F**KING idea what the HELL this means. No…Don’t bother explaining it to me ‘cause I won’t understand it anyway nor would I care. My horoscope for today is as follows:

MY Horoscope for Wednesday, January 30th

This is a time for making long-range plans, seeing the big picture, and thinking about what is really important to you in the long run. The trivial details and business of day-to-day living does not dominate your attention now. This is also an excellent time for business functions, negotiations, and communication.

 

Love:

 

 

60%

Emotions:

 

 

95%

Intuition:

 

 

54%

Creativity:

 

 

27%

Work:

 

 

23%

Money:

 

 

9%


Power Numbers: 34, 43, 27, 30, 2, 33

 

Now I suppose if I play these numbers I will also win the Lottery right? Well OK, let’s see here…My LOVE meter is in HIGH…My Emotions are on RED alert and my Intuition is good…Well, lookie here, it IS right…Maybe I was wrong. Sorry folks but I have to go; I have to play the lottery before the store by me closes. Talk to you all later.

 

Until Later…

 

27 thoughts on “Astrology for Dummies

  1. I’m so confused by astrology. One time I did have my palm read at a festival. That lady was creepy as hell, and she was 100% correct with everything she told me. Those things I will take to my grave, but it was creepy as heck.

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  2. It’s all a bunch of BS, but it’s kind of fun to mess around with occasionally. I like the Chinese Zodiac. They’re usually on the placemats at the Chinese restaurant we go to most often. The term “Fish” has a lot of different meanings: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fish&page=1 Everything from prison inmates, to people who drink a lot, to gay men, to women with smell vaginas. I suppose it’s regional. When I was a kid, the term “fish” was used to describe women that didn’t move around a lot during sex – they just laid there like a dead fish. “Tuna,” on the other hand, was used to indicate a woman with a smell vagina. Obviously, we avoided tunafish.

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  3. “I can F**K like a rabbit” – ok I seriously have read this for every sign. If we all COULDNT… no one would exist!

    I just went on and on about how I hate horoscopes bc mine let me down recently. I visit astrologyzone.com. it can be HELLA specific (one day I retroactively read that on sept 12, 2011 you will be in the hospital either visiting a woman or as a patient yourself. Literally I had had a seizure that day… cray cray).

    Buuuut then it tells me im gunna get this job ive been working on (to the days of my interviews etc) and I don’t. that the weekend will be all romantic and I get PLAYED. and I wanna choke astrologyzone.com! Then I think… maybe it wasn’t me Maybe another aries out there got the gig, the guy. Maybe I have some whatever moon rising that exempts me.

    I thnk there IS truth to some of it. Planets affect our moods, the rotation of the earth etc. will it tell you the day of your death, prolly not, but it can tell you when the earth is on a particularly sharp axis making us prone to accidents and to be careful…

    Thanks for this though, made me not hate them AS much 🙂 muah

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