Etiquette Lessons about Female Body Parts

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I have come here today to talk about Boobs, Breasts, Knockers, Melons, oh and don’t forget MY favorite…TITS. I do this because I was in a grocery store last week and while I was searching for a melon, (No pun intended), well OK, maybe it was a little intended, a man was just STARING at my boobs.

Being the funny person that I AM, I went up to him, cupped my breasts and asked if he would like me to BAG them for him. He turned beat red, apologized, and said that he meant no harm I just had INCREDIBLE looking Boobs. Obviously the man has GREAT taste.

Truthfully, a lot of women would get all indignant here and say what a pig he was, but I just took it as a compliment. Hell, I can’t help what Nature provided for me. I think it’s a turn on when someone notices my attributes. I’m just setting the record straight here guys, if you wanna look, then look, but please, just do it a little more subtly.

I mean I will undoubtedly stare at your Penis or your ASS too, but USUALLY, I don’t point my finger at them either and go DAMN that guy has a fine piece of MAN ASS, or, look at the HONKER on that guy.

Subtlety is the KEY here guys. Catch a glimpse as I go by then do what you’re SUPPOSED to do, look down quickly BEFORE I make eye contact with you and then say under your breath, “EYE CARRUMBA”, “she has great looking TITS or an AMAZING looking ASS.”

OK, this was lesson number one. Lesson number two will be to teach you HOW to give us your “BEST” pick-up lines. Trust me here guys, these lines NEVER fail. Stay tuned.

Until Later…

 

Got Soap?

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Tonight’s topic is about Soap. Raise your hand if you have EVER used soap. I’m sorry, you two tall ones in front with your hands up, please move a little to the left so I can see the REST of the internet…Thank you. So…I see many of you HAVE used soap then, GOOD.

Soap is used primarily in cleaning right? My question is, if soap is supposed to get you clean, then why is it made from animal and or vegetable FATS? I mean doesn’t it seem like you would get you all greasy from the fats as opposed to CLEAN?

OK, I know what you’re gonna say, “But Sue, soap mixes with insoluble materials and separates it from the skin making the insoluble material, “dirt”, drain away with water.” That IS what you were gonna say right? I applaud you for you wealth of KNOWLEDGE about soap.

My next question would be, why can’t they make a soap that doesn’t BURN your eyes when you’re in the shower? There is nothing worse than being in the shower feelin’ all naked (Hopefully with a friend), when you go to wash your face. Just as you bring the Loofah (OR whatever), up to your eyes, a LITTLE bit of soap suds catches it. You IMMEDIATELY scream out in pain like a little girl who has just discovered she is having her first period, and yell out “MOMMMMMMY!!!”

  Now I know, they have Baby soap but then WHO wants to use baby soap. I want the REAL DEAL. Soap that gets in there, dissolves all that gooey, greasy, and grimy “STUFF” and then washes it down the drain. I’m NOT implying that I have Greasy, Gooey, or Grimy stuff on MY body, I’m just ah using it as an example, Yeah…That’s the ticket…An example.

Come on someone, get out there and INVENT this product. I will be GLAD to market it (For a large small fee), and get it to the stores as soon as possible. I’m counting on you now…

Until Later…

 

 

 

Q-Tip Use For Dummy’s

 

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I’m here today to discuss one of the most talked about subjects ever: Q-Tips. Recently, several alarming reports have been made about Q Tips being used for cleaning wax out of the ears. People…NEVER use Q Tips for this purpose. It can damage your ear drums to the extent that you may CONSTANTLY hear Justin Bieber songs singing in your head.

A much BETTER use for this product is for cleaning OTHER holes. Suggestions would be:

1.  The Nose—A little LUBE on the end of the cotton, stick in as far as possible without gagging, and pull out boogers. This would be a similar move compared with little Jack Horner EXCEPT…HE pulled out plums NOT boogers. Well, not that I KNOW of anyway.


        2. How about a good Va Jay Ja cleaning. I know…Ewwwww right?               Hey…Sometimes you just need a good thorough swabbing though, just in case there are any left-over particulars from the night before. Oh come ON… You know what I’m talking about here.

        3.  How about for a good DNA swabbing, you know, just in case you’ve  murdered someone? Hey, they have to find you SOMEHOW right? I know, I watch WAY too much CSI on TV.

Last but certainly not LEAST, how about mini sword fighting or baton twirling; OK I realize you would have to be only 10 inches tall but STILL, it’s a possibility.

How about you folks, any creative ideas for Q Tip use other than the plain and simple ones like make up application? I’ll be interested to see what you come up with. Good Luck…

Until Later…

Fare Well

 

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Fare well to thee my loving heart, my sorrow knows no depth.

Fare well to thee my conscience, a wasted tool for suppressing despicable actions.

Fare well to thee my neglected soul, consumed in Hell’s fury, fueled by  ignorance,  and ignited by life’s demands.

Fare well to thee my hubris pride, for I have fallen upon the sword of forgotten values.

Fare well to thee my innocence, consumed by the drives of sexual depravity.

Fare well to thee my broken life, I have been but a pawn, now usurped by Hemlocks sleep.

“Fare Well”

Until Later…

Why Do Turtles Live So Long?

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At times, I just come up with the craziest of ideas. The other night I was just sitting in my house reading (well…OK, I was watching TV), and a thought just occurred to me. Why to turtles live so long? I know strange hu, it’s just how my mind works.

The average land turtle lives up to 150 years old (That’s like 2000 in dog years), and some live upwards of 200. Wow! Just think of it…200 hundred years old. Man, that’s longer than Methuselah lived. OK…I was just corrected by Google, Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, BUT, in all fairness, I think Methuselah used to EAT land turtles so maybe that’s where he got his longevity from.

What do they do (or don’t do), that we can copy and live to a ripe old age of 200? Just think of it…Life would begin now at say 125 or so. We could still be enjoying all of our favorite sports like …Beer pong, spin the bottle, and have sex without the worry of condoms or birth control pills ‘cause all of us women will have already gone through menopause. Good times.

So anyway, back to the turtles, what do these creatures do that gives them their long lives? Their omnivorous so basically they eat what ever is put before them, kind of like me on steroids. Anyway, they enjoy meal worms, insects, and lots of fruits and vegetables. God…kind of sounds like a dating service doesn’t it. Their dislikes are FAST walks in the park and cars. Think about it… 🙂

I’m not a real fan of meal worms or insects, BUT, I do like fruits and vegetables so just maybe…… Hmmmmm. Hey who knows right? In 75 years or so I might just be sayin’ so ya wanna play some tennis? Oh ya…One more thing, in order to live that long you also need skin like leather and be encased in an extremely hard shell like material.

So…What do ya think? Are ya up for the challenge? Just pass me the lettuce and OK…I’ll try the meal worms.

  Until Later…

Hic-Cup Who’s There

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Ahhhh…The annoying hiccup. We all get ‘em but some of us get them worse, and more frequently than others. So, what causes these annoying little air interruptions? It’s your diaphragm…Can YOU say diaphragm? Why the Hell do they have to put a G in there anyway? I mean, it’s pronounced Dia-a-fram. “Can I have the country of ORIGIN please?” Oh never mind, I came here to discuss hiccups.

Anyway…This diaphragm thingy USUALLY works well. Sometimes though, it gets Pissed Off and decides to wreak havoc with your lungs by sucking air into your throat SUDDENLY and in a jerky manor. Hence, when you breathe, all you get is the annoying hiccuppy sound.

Okay, enough history lesson, let’s get to the funny part, the WAY people hiccup. Ever notice how folks hiccup differently? Some sound like hic-UP and others like HIC-up. Listen to people hiccup, it’s hysterical. YES…I KNOW I’m weird. It runs in the family.

Babies hiccup REALLY fast like hiccup, hiccup, hiccup. Hey…Pay ATTENTION here…I’m talking. Older, (I mean more MATURE), folks have a tendency to hiccup longer than do younger folks. NO…I DIDN’T get this off the internet, I pay ATTENTION as people hiccup. What…YOU DON’T???

Anyway, the FUNNIEST thing (I think), about the hiccups is trying to CURE them. There are a myriad of ways people use to cure the hiccups, here are a few:

  1. 1.  Watching someone hold their breath while counting to 500. THIS one ALWAYS works. Unfortunately, as the person gets to about 200, they usually either pass out or die. It DOES work though. DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME!!!

 

  1. 2.  Drinking from the “WRONG” side of the glass??? WTF??? What IS the WRONG side of a glass anyway??? People swear by this one however.

 

  1. 3.  Putting sugar under your tongue. OK, I DID look this one up but SERIOUSLY??? This sounds something that a WITCH DR. would do in the back hills of Botswana Land. Again though, people claim that it works.

 

  1. 4.  My FAVORITE though, is using the old SCARE TECHNIQUE. I must be a SADIST at heart I guess. Nothing I like more than having someone jump out of somewhere unannounced, a machete in their hand threatening to obliterate the person with hiccups. OK, OK, I only DID it ONCE but it WORKED like a charm.

 

If YOU have any other fascinating ways to eliminate the hiccups I would LOVE to hear them. As for ME, I’m stickin’ with my old tried and true scare method. Thanks for listening folks.

 

Until Later…

 

Silent Lover’s Prayer

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To wish, to have, to hold, to be held.

Dreams of consequence, or visions of despair?

Play me not my fickle heart, for yearning’s tears become my pain.

I search within my soul, feed me love’s embrace, let him hold me close, and nurture me within his arms.

Let me feel his breath upon my bosom, and let his light forever shine upon me.

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I just had to write you and get your advice about something.  First of all, I live with my sister.  The problem is,every time my boyfriend comes to the house, she starts flirting with him. She is two years my senior and has always been an incurable flirt. The thing is, I’m afraid that my boyfriend is eventually going to give in to her flirtatious charms. She is very pretty and dresses very sexy whenever he comes to visit.

I Love my sister very much but enough is enough. What should I do to alleviate this awkward situation?

Distressed in Denver

 

Dear Distressed:

As I see it, you have TWO people to speak with:

  1. 1.  Your sexy inconsiderate BITCH sister
  2. 2.  Your easily influenced thinking only with his DICK boyfriend

Tell your sister that you love her but if she flirts with your boyfriend one more time, you’ll CUT her. Tell her she can be as sexy as she wants around someone ELSE’S boyfriend but to leave YOURS the HELL alone.

When you speak with your boyfriend, dress VERY slutty, I mean have the TWINS REALLY showing. Tell him that your sister is a man stealing SKANK and that if he ever looks at her with his dreamy eyed I wanna F**K you look, you will CUT him. Then, have wild MONKEY SEX and tell him you love him. This should solve your dilemma. Good Luck.

 

Dear Sooz:

My cat is about to have kittens and I don’t know what to do. I always thought that Max was a male cat but I guess I was wrong. Please help me.

Kitty Cat Kathy

Dear Kitty Cat:

 

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOO!!! That’s why they tell you to PAY ATTENTION in Biology class. Let me just say this, I am not a Vet BUT I am pretty sure your CAT knows just what to do. Just stay the HELL out of his her way and let HER take care of it. She’s the one that GOT this way, let HER figure it out. I hope this helps.

Until Later

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soozology

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A while back, someone sent out a silly survey…Sooooo, being a survey junkie, I thought I would answer it but put a humorous spin on the answers. I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to copy and paste and send me YOUR answers and let me know. I will be glad to comment on all who send me one. Enjoy…

 

What is your salad dressing of choice? Don’t have one… I only dressed as a salad just that ONE time and that was on Halloween.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? I enjoy sitting down at ALL of them…..Don’t YOU???

What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?  I’ll have to go with baked Alaska here….

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Pepperoni,mushrooms,sausage,pineapple,anchovies,green pepper.onions,sweet and hot peppers and hamburger……Yummy and OH so GOOD for me too.

What do you like to put on your toast? I like to see if I can balance my coffee on it.

**********TECHNOLOGY************

How many television sets are in your house? 4…Not counting the puppet theater that LOOKS like a TV.

What color cell phone do you have? Jet Black……..

***************BIOLOGY***************

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Yes I am thanks for asking.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Hmmmm….my boyfriend after sex. 

What is the last heavy item you lifted? My boyfriend….Phew!!!!!!

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Why??? Have you ever been violent???

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you are going to die? Hell…If I wanted to know…I WOULD…I’d just pick my own date and off myself.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Pywacket

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Only if I was VERY DRUNK!!!!

 ************DUMBOLOGY****************

How many pair of flip flops do you own?  Too many to count…I think I am Imelda Marcos’ cousin…

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?  I’ve never had a run in,,,,Just a run FROM….

Last person you talked to? Barbara Walters…

Last person you hugged? My cousin……I THINK?????? Hard to tell when you keep wakin’ up in that damn drunken haze.

**************FAVOURITOLOGY****************

Season? I like the “Fall”…..Reminds me of drinking too much….

Holiday? Halloween….I love dressing up and scaring little children….BOO!!!!!

Day of the week? Saturday and Sunday…I’m Usually off work….

Month? October

***********CURRENTOLOGY**************

Missing someone? Yes I am…..CALL ME!!!!!!

Mood? I’m NOT in a mood….are YOU in a mood….’cause I can GET in one if you keep calling me moody buster.

What are you listening to? The sounds of silence.

Watching? My computer screen.

Worrying about? Too young to worry…I’ll wait till I get older and then worry like HELL OK???

***************RANDOMOLOGY****************

First place you went to this morning? To Pee.

What’s the last movie you saw? Hmmmmm. saw The Hangover part 2.

Do you smile often? Depends on my MOOD!!!!!!!!!!

1) Do you always answer your phone? Yup…..Could be Prince Charming calling.

2) It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Ohhh God….too many of my drunken friends to count.

3) If you could change your eye color what would it be? RED…That would be different and people would notice me….PLUS…it would match my hair.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink? Cranberry juice goes well with my vodka.

5) Do you own a digital camera? Several…Wanna buy one? I’ll make you a deal you can’t refuse.

One of the favorite items that I own – My beautiful boobs,,,,I bought em….I own em…

6) Have you ever had a pet fish? Yup…just had the funeral for my eldest one yesterday

 7) Favorite Christmas song? Santa baby….OK…so I’m a LITTLE materialistic.

What’s on your wish list for your birthday? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me.

9) Can you do push ups? Like WHAT FOR???????

10) Can you do a chin up? HELLOOOOOOOOO…I just sorta answered that.

11) Does the future make you nervous or excited? Yes….nervous about being TOO excited.

12) Do you have any saved texts? Yup……JUST IN CASE…….;)

13) Ever been in a car wreck? No…… but I’ve wrecked others cars…does that count?????

14) Do you have an accent? Noooooo Vye Dooo you ask me Dis?????

15) What is the last song to make you cry? I Hope You Dance….Gets me every time for some reason.

16) Plans tonight? Depends…What did you have in mind????

17) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Nope…still too high up to hit rock bottom.

18) Name 3 things you bought in the last week. Shoes….shoes….shoes…..

19) Have you ever been given roses? Sadly NO….If ya want to though,,,I’ll give you my address.

20) Current worry? That I’ll never have a committed relationship with someone.

21) Current hate right now? I don’t HATE anything….except maybe that word…

22) Met someone who changed your life? Call me….we’ll see…:)

23) How did you bring in the New Year? House party and passed out drunk.

24) What song represents you? 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

Phew….This was a long one….I need a drink. Talk to y’all later.

Until Later