The Academy Awards Snoozer

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Before I go any further here, let me just say that I am a HUGE movie buff. Yes, I will even see the foreign films. Now, with that being said, in MY opinion, the Academy Awards are BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRing…

Do I think people should get awards for what they do and be recognized by their peers, SURE? Do I think that it should be on TV for 3 ½ hours NO. I think we could pull the whole thing off in an hour show.

I mean do we REALLY have to get up there and thank God, His angels, friends of God, friends of the angels, your parents for having you, your Aunt Tildi once removed, etc. etc. etc.

Oh and what about all the boring awards like costume design, sound editing, cinematography, choreography, and all those other Ographys? Do they deserve awards, yes, do they deserve them on MY TV watching time, NO. I’m surprised they don’t give a freakin’ award to the guy who shuts the toilet seat back down after all the male stars pee. “ I’d like to thank Fred for being so fastidious for promptly returning the toilet seat back down to its seated position”…Seriously???

I say we leave all of these out of the program, what do YOU say? Just have the major awards ya know, actor, actress, supporting actors and actresses, best picture, director and of course the accounting speech. It just wouldn’t be the Oscars without the accountants who HOLD all the envelopes and keep them such a secret for so long. I just LONG for that part…Don’t YOU??? OK, this may have seemed a little sarcastic ‘cause IT WAS…

Anyway, you get the idea. Who’s with me here? I say we get out our pens, (Or computers), and write the Academy telling them that from now on we only want an HOUR show here. At least THAT way I won’t fall asleep during the show and MISS all the really important awards…Gheese…

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz—Baby/Toddler Edition

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Dear Sooz:

I have a problem I need solved. I am 3 and my baby brother is 2. I love my brother, (Let’s call him Ryan ‘cause well, THAT’S his name), BUT, the kid just doesn’t know HOW to share.

Every time I go for my Lego’s, HE wants to play with them. The same is true for my cars, trucks as well as my Action figures. The kid is worse than a damn PUPPY.

Just ONCE I’d like to be able to get something out of the toy box WITHOUT him going after it also. Do you have any suggestions?

Tiny Tot in Toyland

 

Dear Tiny Tot:

This is a VERY common problem among siblings. I actually hear this complaint at LEAST once a week. I will tell YOU what I tell the rest of them. Be PATIENT, you brother just wants to be able to play WITH you. He admires you and looks up to his big brother.

He is just trying to be LIKE you. Let him play with you and your toys. ONE day when he is older, you can teach the little BASTARD a lesson by stealing EVERY girl he ever cares about. THAT’S what big brothers are for.

Oh…If he is STILL annoying after a period of time and becomes relentless, Lite into him and beat the livin’ Dejesus outta him. He will stop taking your toys THEN…GUARANTEED… Good luck…

Journalism…Seriously?

Thank goodness we have professional writers for our newspapers. And to think they went to college for Journalism!!!!!!!!!
 
Maybe our schools should go back to teaching reading and writing in high school, instead of making jocks and beauty queens? See what YOU think.
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Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have been dating a wonderful man now for 3 months. He is fun, funny, and really knows how to treat a woman. So, what is the problem you’re asking? In 3 months time the guy has never even attempted to kiss me.

We have held hands at the movies and he is very romantic but the intimacy of that first kiss has yet to happen. Should I say something to him, just take the lead and kiss him first, or just stay in the shadows until he is ready?

I like him and he likes me, I just don’t understand what the problem is here. Please give me some advice.

Lip lock-less

 

Dear Lip lock-less:

First of all, let me ask you, is this guy STRAIGHT? Honey…3 months is a bit ridiculous, HELL; the whole freakin’ WORLD was created in just 7 days, this guy is slow as Maple Sap flowing in January.

Try this, on your next date. Wear something VERY alluring. You know what I mean, show him the TWINS. Cook dinner for him at YOUR place. Put on some nice romantic music, place candles everywhere. Set the tone; let him KNOW you are going ALL out romantically.

Now, when dinner is over, take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom couch. Sit him down and let him know how you feel about him. Lean in close to him, touch his balls shoulder and then let Nature take its course.

If Mr. “SHY” doesn’t kiss you THEN, I would take matters by the hand and kiss HIM. If all goes according to Hoyle, he should kiss you back. If he DOES, you should be good to go. If he DOESN’T, start looking for a new guy or buy a dog. Good Luck…

 

Dear Sooz:

My girlfriend and I have been together now for 6 years. She is the best thing in my life. The problem is, I am always the one who has to initiate our love making. Just for a change, I would like HER to take the lead and for ME to be the one who is seduced.

I love her but turnabout is fair play as the saying goes. Any thoughts on how I might make this happen?

Longing for Lust

 

Dear Longing:

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO… TELL HER!!! She is NOT a freakin’ mind reader (Is she?); let her know how you feel about HER taking the lead once in a while. I’m sure if she loves you she will be happy to undress your pretty little ass and get the party started. Good Luck…

 

 

 

A Remembrance

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Today I am a little melancholy…No, Sad. Today, when I was a young child, my father who was my WORLD, my LIFE, took his own life while I was there. We were watching TV when he said he was going out to the garage to get something. I was alone with the TV as my mother was out shopping when I heard that fateful sound.

I heard that fatal gunshot blast coming from the garage, a shot that changed not only HIS life, but MINE and my MOTHER’S forever. I was his little girl, his princess, HOW could he LEAVE me like that?

Obviously I was in a panic, I ran next door to the neighbors and explained what happened. They called 911 who responded and helped to pick up the broken pieces of my life.

I was DEVASTATED, alone, and completely in shock as to just what happened. I was comforted by our neighbors, and when my mother arrived home, she was a broken woman.

She loved my dad with all her heart and it changed her forever. After the funeral, she took up drinking heavily to cope with the pain she was feeling. She was drunk most of the time afterwards, and if it hadn’t been for the loving care of my Aunt Carol, I may not have turned out the way I have today.

I HONOR both my father and my mother today in this blog, and I HOPE people can understand that there is MORE than sadness that rules our world. My parents always brought me up with good values and those are the things in life that I have focused on.

I have been through MANY personal struggles in this life, BUT, I believe that what has happened has MADE me a STRONGER person. I thank God for His/Her guidance, and I encourage those who have been in tougher situations to HOLD the LINE…It WILL come together…

God Bless…

 

 

 

 

Giggle time–Warning – Do Not Order Mexican Viagra !

 

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Important Bulletin
Many men are buying “black market” Viagra pills
from Mexican mail-order drug stores.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that
several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with
ground up Mexican Jumping Beans.
The results can be horrible.
Here is what you get when you combine Viagra
with Mexican Jumping Beans.
(Scroll )
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Southern Confidence

 

 

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MISSISSIPPI DECLARES WAR ON U.S. GOVERNMENT


President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.”Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump’s Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg , and I am callin’ to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y’all!”

“Well Jimmy Boy,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”


“Right now,” said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation “there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD’s Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine depending if Bump can close the store.


Barack paused. “I must tell you Jimmy Boy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”


“Wow,” said Jimmy Boy. “I’ll have to call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”


“And what equipment would that be Jimmy Boy?” Barack asked.


“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike’s farm tractor.”


President Obama sighed. “I must tell you Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”


“Lord above”, said Jimmy Boy, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”


Sure enough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”


“I’m sorry to hear that” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

Well, sir,” said Jimmy Boy, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens and pie and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed that many prisoners.”

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN


 

 

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Silly Answering Machine Messages

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1.  If you leave your name at the beep I’ll see if I like you enough to call you back.

 2. I’m not in right now but if you leave a 100 dollar deposit to account number 2 *&^%$#(*&, I will be sure to thank you call you back.

3.  I can’t come to the phone right now as I’m in the bathtub. I’m all HOT and nice and WET, soaping up my sexy feminine wilds, and feeling myself SOOOO  SOOOO gently. I’ll be glad to call you back AFTER I’ve orgasmed. Talk to you later.

 4.  Hi there, I AM home but I’m currently too DRUNK to come to the phone and have an intelligent conversation. Leave your name at the beep and I will TRY and remember to see who called.

 5.  Hello, this is Sooz’s phone. If you are a sexy man or woman and want to have your way with me, dial 1 now, I’ll call you RIGHT back. If you are bill collector, dial 2 but DON’T hold your breath. If you are a relative, just leave me the amount you want and I will drop it off to you. If you are a phone solicitor, GO “F” yourself. There is NO NEED to leave a F**CKING number ‘cause I WON’T be calling your sorry ASS back. CLICK…

 6.   Hi, this is Sooz, I’m not home right now but if you leave your NAME, NUMBER, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, CREDIT CARD NUMBER WITH PIN, DATE OF BIRTH, and BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER with PIN, I will be sure to call you back…TRUST ME…

 7.  Sorry I’m not home right now but if you leave your name and number I will call you back. If this is Betty, hold on a minute, I really AM home but was screening my calls. For everyone ELSE, SERIOUSLY…I am NOT home…

 8.  This is Sooz, If you leave the proper reply to “The Eagle has left the nest”, I will call you back. If you don’t, I may STILL call you back but I will probably be speaking in TONGUES. (That’s clever talk for I’m drunk and can’t form words correctly let alone form rational sentences.

 

Until Later…

Sue’s Quotes

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“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”

 —Thomas Szasz

If you TALK with God; AND you HAVE schizophrenia, then welcome to MY family.

“The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
“The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
“The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
“The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

—Unknown

I say, Become a HOOKER, you need NO degree and make more money than ALL of the combined professions.

 

 

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

— Unknown

No funny retort here, the above quote says it ALL now doesn’t it???

 

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz——Baby Edition—–

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Dear Sooz:

I am writing you today, (Well OK, my MOTHER is doing the writing but I am telling her what to write), because I want to get your opinion on potty training.

My mom seems to think that I should be ready to start potty training, BUT, I don’t WANT to yet. I am certainly OK with just letting it ALL hang out in my diaper and then having someone ELSE change me.

Call me lazy I don’t care… Hey, I am only 14 months old and I say I am just too young. My mom keeps putting me on that cold ass God Forsaken potty thingy to pee or poop when all I wanna do is just load it up in my pants.

I mean COME ON here, all MY friends under 2 are still using the express diaper method, why can’t I??? What are YOUR thoughts on this?

Dapper Diaper Danny   (Say THAT 10 times fast)

 

Dear Dapper Diaper:

Tell your mom for me to just BACK TO F**K UP!!! A boy learns slower than girls so you are PERFECTLY right for dumping in your diapers. I don’t BLAME you for wanting someone ELSE to clean your ASS. I mean why should you get YOUR hands all dirty? That’s what moms and dads are there for Pete’s sake.

Hell, even now if I could poop myself or just take a leak in my panties and have someone ELSE to the dirty work I would. I’m with you 100% on this Danny, thanks for writing.

 

Dear Sooz:

 My name is Johnny and I am 2 ½ years old. I seem to have fallen hard for this older woman. She is 3 1/2 and I am just enamored with her. We play all the time together and she even SHARES her toys with me. I have never before met anyone like her. I really want to KISS her and tell her how I feel but I am shy and don’t know exactly how to go about such things. Can you help me?

Shy in Charlotte

 

Dear Shy:

Girls like to have confident men. We love it when you put your arms around us and tell us that we are the best thing since the rattle or our Ba Ba’s. I suggest you just go over to her, put your little lovin’ arms around her and give her a sweet kiss on the cheek.

Believe me my friend, after the kiss, this Babe is YOURS…Good luck and thanks for writing me.