Home Depot Humor

 
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
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He asked his wife, Mary, if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

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Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

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When the manager was finished, Mary asked him,
“How much is that faucet?”

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The manager replied, “That’s a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet — certainly out of my price range..”

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled.

“Ma’am, you wanna screw for the hinge?”

Mary shouted back,

“No, but I will for the faucet.”

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have a concern that I really need your help with. My boyfriend frequents this Restaurant/Bar he has been going to for years with his friends and one of the waitresses that works there is getting married.

She has invited him but not me. Here’s the thing, my boyfriend doesn’t really dance. He has only slow danced with me a couple of times and when I asked him not to slow dance with anyone, he became all indignant and told me I was being controlling.

I have spoken to both my male and female friends about this and they say that I am in the right. What do you have to say about this?

Dancing in the dark

 

Dear Dancing:

You ARE being a controlling BITCH. A dance is just that…A dance. Get off his ass about it. If you expect your relationship to go any further, get OVER your insecurities and let him have a FREAKIN’ dance. It’s not like he’s gonna pull Mr. Happy out right there on the dance floor and NAIL her to a wall.

I suggest you see someone about your insecurities unless your boyfriend has done something that causes you to feel this way. If he HAS, I would rethink the relationship. If he hasn’t, get off his F**KING ASS…

Look at it this way; if he is such a bad dancer, he will probably just end up  being a wallflower anyway so…GET OVER IT…Have a nice day…

 

Dear Sooz:

When my daughter and grandson visit my house looks like Hurricane Ike hit after they leave. I always taught my children manners, to respect adults, and their property. My daughter just let’s my grandson run wild and he gets into everything he can think of. When it’s time for them to go, she doesn’t even bother to pick up his mess. I would say something here but I don’t want to create a rift. What can I do?

Hair pulling Harry

 

Dear Hair Pulling:

It’s YOUR house and YOUR rules buster. If you taught your children so well, WHY is she disrespecting you so? Law down the law, if she lets him run rampant then SHE should be the one to clean up the mess. Sit her down calmly and explain what this is doing to you and your health. I’m sure that she will understand and be more respectful in the future. If she isn’t, then cut remind her that this is YOUR house and you should NOT have to clean up someone else’s mess. Good luck…

 

Funny Questions With No Answers

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People come up to me on the street and ask me, “Sue, how do you ALWAYS come up with such funny topics?” I tell them…Well, it’s a matter of thinking OUTSIDE the box. Then they ask me, “What IS this box you are talking about?”

I explain to them that it is merely a HYPOTHETICAL box and not a real one that I keep in my purse. Plus REALLY, what is IN this box to BEGIN with to think OUTSIDE of it?  There are just so many questions and yet ones that can’t be simply explained.

Here are a few more like the above box question:

Can you CRY underwater? The answer of course is YES but not for very long. AS you inhale the water you will drown, PLUS how would we even KNOW you were crying as the water itself would prevent you from SEEING the tears. Think about it………….

Why do you have to “put your 2 cents in”, BUT, it is only “A penny for your thoughts?” Where the HELL did the other penny go to? Personally…I think they put it in the CENT A METER…Just sayin’…

What disease did Cured Ham have anyway? Just THINK about that one…

Why is it that we put a man on the moon (And for WHAT) BEFORE we developed wheels for LUGGAGE?????? Scratches head.

My favorite…People say they “slept like a baby”…Helllllllllllllloooooooo…Babies wake up every 2 HOURS…DUH???? I hope I never sleep like one…Getting to bed BEFORE dawn is hard enough.

Why do Dr.’s LEAVE the room when you change? They are gonna see you naked ANYWAY??? Never did get this one…????….????

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why in Hell did they even bother WRITING this stupid song??? I mean NO ONE CARES…

These are just a few of the crazy questions with no answers…There are many many more, but, too many to add to THIS blog. Maybe a little later…

Until Later…

Reference: http://able2know.org/topic/123061-1

 

 

 

Funny Things to Say on a Divorce Card

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1.    Knock knock…Who’s there?…..EXACTLY… SUCKER…Hehehehehehe…

2.    If at first you don’t succeed…Insert new Batteries….They’re better than YOU ever were anyway…

3.    I sincerely hope you have a better life now… “IN JAIL”…Call me when you get out in 30….Hehehehe…

4.    Roses are red, Violets are blue…Go F**K yourself asshole.

5.    People ask me if I’m sad that I’m divorced, I tell them as sad as a 1000 lb. Gorilla in a room full of Peeled Bananas.

6.    I believe bygones should be bygones so…Just BE-GONE JERK OFF…

7.    I took the house, the kids, the vacation home, the boat, AND all of your money…Next time, think TWICE before you use your credit card. By the way…Is you “MOTHER” feeling  better??? Hehehehehe….

8..   When life hands you Lemons…DIVORCE his sorry ass and SCREW more HUNKS…

  9.   Sending you a post card from the Bahamas…Hope you and my best friend enjoy yourselves in Bankruptcy Court. Namaste…

 10.  No I’m NOT being vindictive…I’m just getting EVEN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz—Baby/Toddler Edition

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Dear Sooz:

I am barely 2 months old so my 8 year old sister is writing this for me. So, here’s the thing. My Mother keeps waking my tired ass up every two hours to feed me. Don’t get me wrong, I like sucking on her nice warm nipples and being fed, the only thing is, I am EXHAUSTED. I mean I have bags so bad under my eyes you could CARRY them.

Look…All I’m askin’ for is a little consideration once in a while. Let ME be the judge of when I want to eat. Hey…I have a pretty big mouth and can certainly let her KNOW when I’M ready. What can I do???

Sleepless in Seattle (I couldn’t resist)

 

Dear Sleepless:

It sounds like your mommy has forgotten what it’s like to be a “seasoned” mom. It sounds to me like she is being OVER protective of you and just wants to make sure you’re getting enough to eat. Either THAT or she isn’t “gettin’ any ACTION” herself and is using YOU as a go between to satisfy her OWN needs.

Try this…The next time she wakes you up, simply REFUSE to suck on her. Do whatever you can to let her KNOW that you are having NO MORE of this intolerable behavior. For example…POOP your pants, SLEEP on her, or even SCREAM bloody murder, BUT, for NO reason do you suck on those nipples.

I believe after a while she will become sooooo tired and disoriented that she will give into your demands and just let you feed at YOUR OWN discretion…Good Luck.

 

 

Ten Fun Facts To Know About Sooz

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1.   When I’m NOT working, I’m drinking. Oh wait, you already KNEW that one. How about…I once ate a  6 oz. cup of maggots once on a 250.00 dollar dare. Of COURSE I was drunk…Did you even WONDER???? Gheese.

2.   I enjoy watching very old movies…Especially silent ones. Charlie Chaplin is my favorite.

3.   I am a  Bi-Sexual Nymphomaniac (SEX ADDICT)…Need a date…Call me. 😉

4.   In College, I was a GREAT tennis player. After the ankle problem though…Zippo, Zero, Zilch.  L

5.   I can Juggle…Usually three or four women or men at a time…Just KIDDING…I really can Juggle though.

6.   I have THREE Nipples…Just wanted to see if you were paying attention here…Hehehehe…

7.   I worked on my college newspaper as an advice columnist… Guess what my column was called??? 😉

8.   I used to do magic at kids parties as a clown.

9.   I am VERY good at poker…Wanna play STRIP poker with me sometime???…Hehehehe..

10.  I have a knack for understanding and figuring out people. I could have been a profiler for the FBI…

11.  I know I said 10 things but # 6 really didn’t count so here goes:
I speed read…Yup, that’s right, I can finish a 400 page book in 15 minutes… It helps with the job…

So…did that give you a little more insight??? It was fun, I hope you enjoyed it….

Until Later…

Flipper Goes Rogue

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Imagine in your head the dolphin Flipper. NOW imagine Flipper trained as a deadly Navy SEAL. Think of the possibilities. Cute, adorable, Smiley faced Flipper, strapped with automatic weapons and knives to his head and flippers.

Well, on March 15th. three Ukrainian Attack trained dolphins left their trainer and did a “See Ya”…Apparently, both the Us AND the Ukraine have been training dolphins to be used as weapons on unsuspecting divers and submarines for years.

So MY concern is WHAT’S NEXT? Perhaps they are training kitty cats to scratch people’s eyes out, or cute little puppies trained to pee on people’s faces until they drown? Or maybe cute baby goats trained to EAT our clothes off so we will die of exposure from heat or cold.

Seriously, does the Military REALLY need to use poor defenseless animals to do their dirty work when we could simply BLOW up the freakin’ Earth 10 times over with the destructive weapons we already have?

I don’t know, this story just really bothered me so I thought I would stand on my soap box and just vent a little here. This world would be a HELL of a lot better off if we just dropped all the pretense of who is the King of the Mountain; had BBQ’S all over the word, shook each other’s hands, and just sang Kumbayah.

Now, will this ever happen, NO? We as people are too self-centered, and are driven for the need for power. It’s too bad really isn’t it? I for one really LIKE BBQ’S…

Anyway, the next time you’re out enjoying the beach, don’t worry about Jaws getting you, watch out for the rogue killer attack dolphins. What a world….SIGHS…

Until Later…

Reference: http://news.slashdot.org/story/13/03/13/1348206/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-are-on-the-loose

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Did you see in the papers where a Judge gave permission to a guy to spank his wife? Thank goodness I say. Women are trying to take over the world and need to be put in their place every now and then. I applaud the judge’s ruling and believe it to be a just one. What do you think?

Manly Man

 

Dear Manly Man:

Seriously??? What CAVE do you LIVE in???  Obviously the judge is just as demented as YOU are. When does spanking become abuse? It’s PEA brained, convoluted thinking like that that sends civilization back to the dark ages. I suggest you change your Dark Age thinking before someone SPANKS YOU…

 

Dear Sooz:

I am conflicted. There is this boy in my History class who brings knitting with him. He often knits while in class. People used to make fun of him but NOW, they just ignore him. He is VERY cute and funny, BUT, I am afraid he is a little effeminate and I don’t want to be shunned by the other girls if I get close to him. What would YOU advise?

Conflicted Cathy

 

Dear Conflicted:

You’re a big girl now, do what you want. If you like him, don’t worry about what other people will think. Everybody needs love and affection, if you like him, GO for it girl. Plus, if you’re LUCKY, maybe he’ll knit you a sweater.

 

 

Masturbation Monday Poem

 

Pictures of you dancing in my head, make my soul quiver with intensity.

I FEEL you as your full lips meet mine, our heads together, and your hands upon my bosom.

I feel myself flush, and the wetness from within is like a gentle rain watering a garden.

I can stand it no longer; the night is long and loves LUST demands satisfaction.

Slowly I feel the forbidden fruit as I slide from the mountains, to the plains, and arriving at my final destination, the valley of pleasure.

My breath quickens as the lust within me rages.

Faster and faster my fingers toil, the moaning responds like a coyote howling in the moonlit sky.

I feel the Earth shudder as the arching of my back and Lust’s love sends me into Heavens pleasure.

Once again, my mind returns me to your image. I feel you gently embrace my love, and hold me within your loving arms.

I am satiated once again.