So today I am writing about getting drunk, why you ask…Because I can that’s why. As I am writing this I am already half in the bag, inebriated, loaded, hammered, OK…I’m DRUNK.
People have asked me, “Sue, are you an alcoholic?” I tell them NO, just a drunk ‘cause I don’t attend the meetings. Yes I know there are ways to tell if you are an alcoholic like:
1. Do you drink in the morning—Sometimes, but I ONLY get drunk to get rid of the hangovers.
2. Do you pass out and have blackouts—Yes but not EVERY day. Usually only 5 out of 7…THAT’S not bad right?
3. Has it affected your social life —No, I STILL get drunk socially.
4. Are you unable to sustain your sexual prowess —SERIOUSLY??? I have more sex DRUNK than I do sober.
5. Has drinking affected your work—Only when I get TOO drunk to talk.
6. Can you stop drinking once you’ve started—Absolutely…This happens whenever I pass out OR am puking my guts in the porcelain god.
7. Have you lost any friends because of your drinking —Yes but then I gained new ones like Beerman, Hophead and Bubba.
8. Do you consistently bring alcohol into situations where there wouldn’t otherwise be any, like a movie theater or your office?—HELLLLLLOOOO…Doesen’t EVERYBODY???
9. Have you ever wet the bed after a night of drinking—Ah NO…I wear Depends when I’m drinking…DUH…
10. Do you drink when you are sick, because vodka totally “kills the germs”?—What are you saying? Vodka DOES kill the germs…COME ON…
So…If you have answered YES to one or more of these questions WITHOUT REALLY good reasons like MINE, there is a good chance you have a drinking problem… If you DO, please come join me as I need a partner to drink with tonight.