I thought these were HILARIOUS!!!
I really haven’t written anything funny of my own in a while, so, I sat down at my computer and said to myself…”Sooz, you are GOING to write something funny.” Myself replied, “F**K YOU, I will write something FUNNY when I am good and ready and not until.”
Then, it said, “And another thing, WHERE is my ALCOHOL?” “You almost ALWAYS write something FUNNY (OR what appears to the writer to be funny), while drinking.” NOW, I was worried ‘cause I haven’t had any alcohol in a week and I thought, MAYBE myself is right. Maybe I DO need alcohol to see the funny in things.
So here I sit….And sit….And sit, trying to think of something funny to write. Then, like a lightning bolt striking my brain, I got an idea. Oh no, not just ANY ordinary idea, but a FUNNY one. I decided that I would write about being sober. Yup….Now THAT’S funny…
I haven’t been really BEEN sober in so long, I forgot what it was like, or maybe because of the alcohol, I just couldn’t remember what it was like. ANYWAY, to make a long story short, (No longer possible), I thought I would explain just HOW it feels to be sober. IT SUCKS!!!!!
I know, I know, you hear all those amazing stories about how people lost 200 pounds, Got more energy, could actually REMEMBER their names, and other great stuff. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….First of all, IF I lost that much weight, I wouldn’t EXIST, secondly, I already HAVE enough F**KING energy, and thirdly (Oops), I mean finally, I always remembered my name. I have it written down as a tattoo on my hand so OWWWWWWWWW…
Truthfully, I feel nervous, you know like when you wanna RIP someone’s THROAT out? I don’t know, maybe I have ALWAYS felt that way but just never acted on it ‘cause I was DRUNK. I also feel like I wanna EAT EVERYTHING in the house, thank God I really don’t HAVE anything except alcohol and chips.
Oh well, maybe when I go to the Dr.’s on Monday he will FINALLY come to his senses and see it MY way. If he does…I’m immediately going to ask him out for a drink or six. We’ll see…
Unfortunately, I am definitely old enough to remember this show.It was one of the funniest shows on Television!The contestants were priceless!FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBERThese great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares’ game showresponses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now! Here are some as they were back then… Enjoy…Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years…
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party andyou think that he is attractive,is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries.Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with gettinginto the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them andhas actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!
WE DON’T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Robot for sale.
I have somewhat of a sticky wicket to discuss here. My husband and I were at a wedding recently and one of our married friends’ husband was dancing with and feeling up one of the brides maids.
The bridesmaid appeared to be very drunk and he probably was too, but, he was doing things with her that are usually are only done in the bedroom. I know his wife didn’t see such on goings otherwise there would have been a scene.
I am in a quandary because I don’t know if I should inform his wife, or just chalk it up to the alcohol and the event and let things go. They are very good friends of ours and I don’t wanna make waves, yet, I do think his wife should know. What would you advise me to do?
Confused in Kansas
Dear Confused in Kansas:
You have run into the “Classic” wedding slut scenario here. We, (I mean THEY), get drunk and just wanna have a good time with whoever will take advantage of the situation. I have been here many times.
Let me just say this, you said you are VERY good friends right? Well, let me tell you, at a wedding, there is ALWAYS someone who will get drunk and wanna start a little extracurricular activity if you know what I mean.
Alcohol will do strange things to our libidos. I’m sure the guy in this situation was also drunk and was just having a good time. Now, does this make it RIGHT? No, of course not, BUT, if you go and spill the beans to his wife, you could be opening up a WHOLE different can of worms.
In my opinion, just leave matters alone. What they did was wrong but under the influence of alcohol we ALL do stupid things. There is no sense in ruining a marriage for a little” feel me if you can” scenario. Now, if you notice him doing this blatantly on the outside of this kind of event, then YES, I would be the first to tell the wife what he is doing so when the S**T hits the fan she can at least be well prepared. I hoped this has helped you.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’
She replied with a snicker, ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!
It was Friday night in a crowed bar, friends, Booze, and music playing. People laughing, dancing, and the signs of a drunken evening were quickly unraveling. George Thoroughgood’s Bad to the Bone was playing on the juke box, and mindless chatter and laughter were heard throughout the bar.
I was on my 7th Vodka and Cranberry when I began to feel nauseous. Assuming I was drunk, I let it go and continued drinking my drink. It wasn’t until my chest felt like an elephant sitting on it, and my increased shortness of breath continued that someone called for an ambulance.
I was rushed to the Hospital, where I was immediately worked on by the cutest ER Dr. imaginable. He looked like a young Eric Estrada with huge arms and what appeared to be in my drunken state a six pack tighter than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s. If I wasn’t in so much pain I could have F**KED him right there on the gurney.
Long story short, (No longer possible), They did some kind of blood work on me, and when it came BACK…Seemed like HOURS…They said I had a “little” heart attack. Of course they wanted to run about 4000 tests on me so the gurney and I became fast friends…I called it Boris…Don’t ask me why…I was DRUNK people…
Anyway, after running what seemed to be a 1000 tests on me, the conclusion was that although my arteries were “partially” blocked, I didn’t need any surgery at this time. Their advice…STOP ALL drinking and take a week off from my pressure cooker stressful job.
OK…The job I can understand, but, the DRINKING, (considering that I am a high functioning alcoholic), was devastating. The Dr. told me that in no uncertain terms was I to drink a DROP of alcohol within the next week. So, here I sit, Bored out of my skull, SOBER, for the first time since the Yankee’s started playing, and wishing I was in Oz, cause that’s where I feel like I AM.
If there are ANY cardiologists out there that say I can drink IF I watch my stress level, CALL ME…We will have a “little” party, just sayin’… Lighten up here people… Until Later…
Sorry….I just couldn’t resist…The Devil made me DO it…
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’
The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’
The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’ So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’
The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, … I know ’em all.’
A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?’
The blonde replies,’Oh, that’s easy .. it’s W.’
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: ‘Is it mine?’
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.’
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!’
OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.
EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
“I’m going to do that when I win the lottery,” announced #1 Blonde.
“Do what?” asked #2 Blonde .
“Send my lawn out to be mowed.”
A woman you see is made up of parts,
From the tips of her toes to her brain full of smarts.
From her breasts oh so round, or triangular, some square,
So beautiful it seems, they come in a pair.
Their called many names from hooters to boobs,
And when their undressed, they’re a favorite food.
So soft and so tender they’re Heaven to touch,
To kiss and to suckle I love them so much.
But that is not all, no not at all my dear friend,
You see my Vagina is next and for you I will send.
Some are hairy and smelly and smell like a fish.
Some are hairless with freckles we call those Irish.
They are ALL good for sex with a partner or not,
I like to have three, yes I like it a lot.
BUT, remember a woman is NOT just the sum of her parts,
But a lover, a friend, and a giver with our hearts.