Just Ask Sooz

 

Dear Sooz:

I realize this may sound like a petty thing to write about but it is driving me CRAZY… My girlfriend and I have been together now for 3 years and she has a VERY annoying habit.

When she chews gum (Which is ALL the freakin’ time), she POPS it. OK, I could deal with it every once in a while but she does it continuously. I mean she could be in the G.D Guinness Book of World Records as the most consistant and ANNOYING gum popper EVER.

She EVEN does it when we are in bed just before we make love. I would like to tell her to stick it up her WAZOOOOOOOOO but am afraid I will hurt her feelings. What should I do???

Gummy Gal

 

Dear Gummy Gal:

Are you FU**ING KIDDING me with this??? Seriously…Is this the BEST you’ve got??? I mean there is no LOVE making problems or she is cheating on you with another chick? She pops GUM???

Do you realize that North Korea is about to launch a Nuclear Missile into South Korea possibly starting World War 3 and annihilating the whole F**KING WORLD, and you come to me with a GUM POPPING “Problem”…SERIOUSLY???

OK…Since I get paid the big bucks to do this gig and you obviously read my column, I will give you my advice. TALK TO HER YOU STUPID BITCH… Tell her it bothers the HELL outta you and unless she stops this annoying habit around you, she gets NO BOOTY CALL.

If that doesn’t work, (Although I believe it will), take her gum some night, open the wrappers up carefully and then soak the gum in vinegar. Wait till it dries and then carefully re-wrap the gum and put it back.

The next time she chews a piece, watch her reaction. It will be a sight worth watching. Just stand there, smile, and say, “What’s the matter, gum not tasting right?” She should get the hint and you should be OK AFTER you get out of the Hospital from the broken arm she gives you in retaliation. Good Luck.

P.S. Please don’t EVER write me again. Namaste…