Just Ask Sooz–ADULT—No one under 18 Admitted__

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Dear Sooz:

The question I am going to ask is very embarrassing but I am going to ask it anyway. My boyfriend has a fetish, well, really 2 fetishes. The first one is, he wants me to get drunk and pee my pants. He says that this would really excite him and that it would make sex so much better for him.

I, on the other hand, while I don’t mind getting drunk, feel very uneasy about the peeing in my pants thing. What’s the deal with that? It’s not that he can’t cum without me doing it; I just think it is extremely weird.

The second fetish he has wants me to have sex with another man while he watches. This one freaks me out as I am a good lover Sooz and don’t understand why he would want me to do this.

I really love my boyfriend, we have been together for three years now, but these fetishes seem to have all of a sudden overcome him. What should I do?

Forgotten in Fetish Land

 

Dear Forgotten:

First off, let me address fetishes. Since the dawn of time, ONE sex has been KNOWN to be KINKY…Let’s just call them Ummmmmm…MEN… The simple act of making love is JUST not enough for some of them. Sometimes they NEED to have that little something EXTRA to REALLY excite them. Yes, I know, sometimes it is off the charts, BUT THEN, men ARE off the charts.

 The Watersports Fantasy has been around forever my love. If you LOVE him, my suggestion for you, what is a little wetness in your pants before he takes them off and ravishes you, GO WITH IT.

As for fetish number 2, while *I* would be into it, not everyone would. Tell him about your deep rooted concerns, and ask him, if you DO consent to his watersports fetish, will he give UP his fetish for you and another Guy. If he doesn’t, it is up to you to make that decision my love… Good Luck…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Signs That There MIGHT be Trouble in Paradise

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1.   Your husband hangs a sign on your bedroom door “Do NOT Disturb” when you get ready for bed.

2.   He brings his drunken girlfriend home for dinner.

3.   You hear a ticking noise under the hood of your car.

4.   You start using your THONGS as slingshots aimed at his head.

5.   He stays out all night, comes home smelling like cheap perfume, and using the excuse his NEW car broke down AGAIN for the 3rd. time this week.

6.   He has to WORK late every night this week…He’s a LIFEGUARD…

7.   His phone is password protected in 47 languages.

8.   He goes to the JIM every day. WTF????

9.   He hugs your dog and calls her CYNDI…Your dog’s name is ARFIE…

10.  He plans a vacation in Vegas for the two of you…”THINK ABOUT IT”…:)

Until later…

Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

Once upon a time, in a far away land a long time ago, there lived a beautiful red haired vixen named Sooz. Hey…It’s MY story damnit. A poor child, she lived with her Aunt, as her father and mother had been HEINOUSLY eaten by GIANTS.** NO…NOT giant ANTS….GIANTS…** PAY ATTENTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day while quietly getting drunk in her local pub, a man came up to Sooz and started chatting her up. He said that he was a magician and that he had something to sell her. Sooz, half in the bag now, just replied, “ Listen, if you’re a F**KING magician, then just DISAPPEAR and leave me the HELL alone.”

The man persisted and after buying her 6 more drinks, she finally smiled drunkenly and said, “OK look, if I buy what you’re selling, will you leave me the HELL alone?” He agreed, held out his hand and gave her a bean. “This is IT”, she replied, but the magician smiled and said it was a MAGIC bean, and with that, disappeared into a puff of smoke.

She finished her drink, staggered home, and slept off the events of the day. The next morning, she picked up the bean, went outside, and planted it in her garden. OK…I might be embellishing a little here but WORK WITH ME.

Within minutes the ground started to rumble and shake like a volcano was forming under her feet. Remembering the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, she waited and waited but nothing happened. It had JUST been an Earthquake after all… Disappointed, she went BACK into the house, poured herself several Vodka and Cranberry juices until she passed out.

The moral of the story here people is: Never buy ANYTHING from somebody when you’re drunk…

Until Later…

How to GET a woman Drunk

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  • Have her show UP at the bar
  • Tell her you want to buy her a drink or 10
  • BUY her those 10 drinks you promised
  • Tell her you’re a scientist in alcohol consumption. You are studying the # of shots needed before she is WILLING to have SEX with you.
  • Tell her you LIKE her BUT, she needs to “RELAX” some.
  • Explain that Long Island Iced Tea is JUST iced tea with a little extra flavoring.
  • Start her off drinking shots to special occasions like Flag Day, her birthday, St Patrick’s Day, MONDAY…
  • Bet her 5 Bucks she can’t drink 6 shots followed by chugging a pitcher of beer.
  • Remind her that Happy Hour was DESIGNED to get HAPPY. The more you drink, the HAPPIER you get.
  • Assure her that getting a nasty hangover the next day is just a myth fabricated by frustrated teetotalers.

 

Remember: Don’t drink and drive, do what I do, take a cab and then puke all over it…

Our 50 STATES AND WHAT THEY ARE FAMOUS FOR

 
 
 
 
ALABAMA …. Was the first state to have 9-1-1, started 1968.
 
ALASKA ….One out of every 64 people has a pilot’s license.
 
ARIZONA ….. Is the only state in the continental U.Sthat doesn’t follow Daylight Savings Time.
 
ARKANSAS ….. Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.
 
CALIFORNIA ….. Its economy is so large that if it were acountry, it would rank seventh in the entire world.
 
COLORADO …. In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics. 
 
 CONNECTICUT …. The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University
DELAWARE …. Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
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FLORIDA ….. At 874.3 square miles, Jacksonville is the U.S. ‘s largest city.
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GEORGIA ….. It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.
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HAWAII …. Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents of any other state.
 
IDAHO …. TV was invented in Rigby , Idaho , in 1922.
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ILLINOIS …. Has a Governor in jail, one pending jail, & is the most corrupt state in the union!
INDIANA ….. Home to Santa Claus, Indiana , which gets a half million letters to Santa every year.
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IOWA ….. Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County .
Also, it is the only state name that begins with two vowels.
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KANSAS ….. Liberal, Kansas has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.
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KENTUCKY ….. Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox .
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LOUISIANA …. Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.
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MAINE ….It’s so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.
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MARYLAND …. The Ouija board was created in Baltimore in 1892.
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MASSACHUSETTS …. The Fig Newton is named after Newton , Massachusetts .
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MICHIGAN …. Fremont , home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.
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MINNESOTA …. Bloomington ‘s Mall of America is so big, that if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you’d be there nearly four days.
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MISSISSIPPI …. President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here… that’s how the teddy bear got its name.
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MISSOURI …. Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
MONTANA …. A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England .
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NEBRASKA …. More triplets are born here than in any other state.
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NEW HAMPSHIRE …. Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.
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NEW JERSEY ….. Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
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NEW MEXICO …. Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
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NEW YORK …. Is home to the nation’s oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.
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NORTH CAROLINA …. Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
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NORTH DAKOTA …. Rigby , North Dakota , is the exact geographic center of North America .
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OHIO …..The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
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OKLAHOMA ….. The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.
OREGON …. Has the most ghost towns in the country.
PENNSYLVANIA …. The smiley : ) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University .
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RHODE ISLAND ….. The nation’s oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.
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SOUTH CAROLINA ….. Sumter County is home to the world’s largest gingko farm.
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SOUTH DAKOTA …. Is the only state that’s never had an earthquake.
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TENNESSEE …. Nashville ‘s Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.
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TEXAS …..Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. The hamburger was invented in Arlington in 1906.
UTAH ….. The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.
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VERMONT …. Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald’s.
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VIRGINIA ….. Home of the world’s largest office building, The Pentagon.
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WASHINGTON …. Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.
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WASHINGTON D.C. …. Is the first planned capital in the world
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WEST VIRGINIA …. Had the world’s first brick paved street,
Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
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WISCONSIN …. The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around
Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.
Also the American Water Spaniel was created there and is the state dog.
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WYOMING …. Was the first state to allow women to vote.

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I am a 25 year old woman who has a serious problem. My boyfriend of three years has never once been intimate with me. Oh he will hold my hand, kiss me, and even feel my boobs, yet he has never once asked to well, you know, make love with me.

He is very sweet to me, buys me gifts, takes me to dinners and movies etc, but he never seems to want me. I have asked him about this and he says that he does love me and when the time is “right” he will do so. He is 31 and neither of us has ever been married.

I have normal sexual desires and urges Sooz, I really want to act on them but I just can’t seem to get him motivated. I am a reasonably attractive woman and I enjoy the closeness of our relationship but I want more, any suggestions?

Hot in Hawaii

 

Dear Hot in Hawaii:

OMG??? Are you freakin’ KIDDING me??? 3 YEARS??? Honey, I don’t know HOW the Sweet Dejesus you have EVER made it this long…By NOW, I would have F**KED everything from Animal, Mineral, or Vegetable, and STILL wanted more…

Are you sure he isn’t gay? Is he always impeccably dressed, does he hum show tunes, Love to shop, or say things like: “I just Luuuuuve your window treatments?” If he does ANY of these things, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN……!!! SERIOUSLY…3 YEARS???? WTF!!!

Baby doll, if he hasn’t moved Mr. Happy out of his pants and into a “warmer” environment in 3 years there is DEFINITELY something wrong with him. Get the HELL outta there before you get any older and shrivel your WHO HA up FOREVER. Seriously, there is something wrong here honey, break it off and find someone who not only loves you but gives your BODY the attention that it so desperately CRAVES… 3 YEARS??? SERIOUSLY??? Makes the sign of the cross over WHO HA area…Sometimes we just have to make the difficult decisions, THIS is one of them. Good luck…

Ten Ideas For a New Reality TV Show

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10. Survivor BENEFITS—A new show starting in the fall which shows how people in different walks of life survive off the income of deceased loved ones.

9.  Who Wants to Become a Millionaire AGAIN—Game show where former millionaires who have lost their fortunes compete against each other. Each are given a million dollars and the one who does the best job of investing the money in fraudulent Ponzi schemes wins.

8.  Divorce American Style—A show that follows 4 divorcing couples over a six month period. Fun ensues by following the trickery of hiding marital assets, constant bickering over who gets what, and the never ending battle of support and maintenance payments.

7.  Drink, Drank, DRUNK—This show follows two alcoholic women and how they function in their everyday lives. Grab a drink or many drinks, sit, relax, and enjoy the antics of a drunkard’s dream. (I invested HEAVILY into this one…)

6.  My Garage, My Castle–HGTV’s new reality show following men who live in their garage. Hosted by W.T. Sluts, the show displays remodeled garages of some of the poor yet HANDY former trailer owners.

5.  Hookers, Whores and Harlots—A new Showtime arrival where women of ill repute are shown in their natural element. The show follows them as they bar hop, display their art of seduction, and the ultimate act of “closing the deal”…No one under 18 admitted here…(UNLESS, of course, you have MONEY)…

4.  Wieners and Beans—A new Triple X rated show starting in the fall on HBO about…Well…Let’s just say it has NOTHING to do with picnics…Watching this show may encourage an urge to use lubricants, have some with you.

3.  NYPD Blue vs. NCIS, Law and Order and The Rookies—Bravo starts the ULTIMATE cop game show. Contestants are presented with several challenges: Donut eating, Shooting while inebriated, Cursing, and chasing fake suspects. Points are allotted and the prize winner gets to play a DR. on Grey’s Anatomy for an entire season.

2.  So You Think You’re Too OLD To Dance—Fox Network introduces its new dance show for OLD folks. Octogenarians compete for a mirror ball trophy they CAN’T even LIFT. Dance routines include all ballroom genres and  contestants are allowed to use canes, walkers and or wheel chairs to compete.

OK….Look… There IS no NUMBER 1…I’m too drunk to think of the last one so the HELL with it…SUE ME…

Until Later…

 

Giggle Time–Monkey Hair–

 

 
  I couln’t resist…:)
 
A little girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about ‘that hair.’
 
Her mom calmly said- “that is your secret place, which we now refer to as “Monkey”…
Be proud in knowing that your monkey has grown hair”
 
The little girl smiled.
 
At dinner, she calmly told her sister-“My monkey has grown hair.”
 
Her sister smiled and said-
“That’s nice, mine is already eating bananas!”
Momma fainted.

Ten Things NOT To Do If You Wanna Get Laid

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10.  Only having a four word vocabulary…Nuff said…

 9.  McDonalds is NOT a FINE dining restaurant…Just Sayin’.

 8.  Honking your horn to let her know you’re there.

 7.  Smelling like you just came from cleaning the fish market.

 6.  Dressing like you just came from a Woodstock Concert (Look it up)…J

 5.  Burger King and a Porn film does NOT count as dinner and a movie.

 4.  Trying to impress us with your BURPING prowess.

 3.  Talking about your MOTHER all the time while on the date…  

 2.  Listening to Gangsta RAP to “set the mood”.

 1.  Having your date ask you if you take CREDIT cards.

Until Later…

The 10 Most Frequently Asked Questions I Get Asked About Sex

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1.   How do you maneuver Cumming together?

         This is something that USUALLY takes a lot of practice. What you see on TV or read about in magazines or books is a fantasy. MOST couples    DON’T Cum together. The best way to achieve this is for BOTH couples to tease each other to the point of Cumming and then back off. Repeat this a few times and BOTH parties will be sexually turned on enough to cum at the same time.

    2.   I have NEVER had an Orgasm, how can I achieve one?

 

         I hear this all the time from women. The trick here is to learn how YOUR body works and what pleases you through masturbation. First, take a mirror and check out your vagina. While watching, feel your outer lips, then; pull it back to experience the rest of your inner lips… Gently touch yourself and see what feels good to you. Experiment with lubricant, dildos and vibrators. Practice this until you are able to experience an orgasm. Once YOU are able to achieve orgasm over and over, it will be a LOT easier to achieve with a partner.

    3.   How can I tell if I am Bisexual?

First off, let me say this, I don’t LIKE labels. Each of us are different. I, for example, knew I liked BOTH men and women when I was very young. If you are attracted to both, chances are that you are Bi-sexual. There is NOTHING wrong with that. We are attracted to who we are attracted to…Period.

    4.   I can’t seem to get enough sex, is there something WRONG with me?

NO…There is nothing wrong with you. We each have different levels of sex drives. There IS no “normal” sex drive. The only thing I would advise is to hook up with someone who has the same level of sex drive that you do. OR…Remain single and have at it.

    5.  Why is it that when guys have a lot of sex there is nothing wrong with it, when women do however, we are considered easy or sluts?

Thankfully, I believe that the double standard here is changing. People need to realize that what’s OK for one is certainly OK for the other. This caveman thinking is what has set us back for so long. Don’t sweat the small stuff…

    6.   Can men be multi-orgasmic?

While it is NOT common based on recovery time for the penis, studies have shown that a small percentage of men CAN experience multiple orgasms. Personally, I have never had this experience from ANY of my male lovers.

    7.   Can most women learn to squirt, (Have female ejaculations)?

Yes… This occurs usually through a G spot orgasm. This is one of the most amazing orgasms. Make sure your partner is trained in this technique and you will never want to let him/her go. If you want more information, please PM me for details on learning this technique. You MUST be 18 years or older for me to respond.

    8.   How can I achieve multiple orgasms?

You must be in a high state of excitement in order to achieve this experience. Once your partner gives you an orgasm, the easiest way is through oral stimulation. Many women have never experienced this wonderful feeling. The best way is to have your first orgasm through G spot stimulation. Many times the heightened orgasm will trigger others through clitoral stimulation.

    9.  Is anal intercourse unhealthy or unnatural?

No…As long as you have emptied your anal cavity earlier and are well groomed, there are no health issues…Nothing is unnatural. Just make sure that a LOT of lubricant is used and enter slowly and go deeper gradually. By doing this it will make things a lot less painful and you will BOTH enjoy the experience. Note: NEVER make your girlfriend try this if she is at ALL uncomfortable with the idea as it is NOT for everyone.

      10. Will alcohol or drugs enhance the orgasmic experience?

A glass or two of wine before sex will help relax you and will definitely add to the experience. Other drug use I can’t answer as I have never personally tried it. However, I definitely would NOT do any drugs that are not OK’d by the Government.