Hello Daddy

As Father’s Day nears, once again I begin my descent down into Hell. My mood is melancholy, I drink too much, and I have waking nightmares about my father.

A couple friends I spoke with today suggested I get help. I have been in and out of Psychiatrist’s offices since I was a little girl and to date, nothing has helped.

One friend suggested I write a letter conveying my feelings and that it may help just letting it out. I have decided to do that  where I am surrounded by friends and those who just want to help me. Sooo….Here goes.

Hello Daddy:

It’s me, your little princess. Father’s Day is just around the corner and IF you can see me, then you KNOW how much it depresses me. That night you took your life was the absolute WORSE day of my life. I live and re-live it in my dreams and just can NOT understand why you did what you did.

I loved you daddy, YOU were the one who always played with me. I remember that one Saturday afternoon, you came home from work, and I ran to the door to see you. Do you remember?

I asked if you wanted to have me make you a cup of (fake) Tea and you put on your biggest smile and said, ”Sure princess, I would LOVE a cup of Tea.” We played and played that scenario which seemed like forever.

Then, there was the time where you took me on a picnic to the park, just the two of us. You pushed me on the swings, watched as I slid down the slide and scraped my knee, giving it a little kiss to make it all feel better and it DID…

I miss you daddy, I hope that if there is a GOD that He is a forgiving one. I was angry that you left us daddy, I still had many good years I needed your guidance and loving smile. Sometimes I look at a picture of the three of us and I remember what a happy family we were.

I see many of your good qualities in me daddy, your sense of humor, your smile, even the way you laughed. I am indeed YOUR little princess. I love you and miss you daddy. I just wanted you to know that I am no longer angry at you, I am just sad.

Your little princess,

Erin

 

 

 

 

17 thoughts on “Hello Daddy

  1. So sorry to hear about your dad and the long term sadness and loss you have experienced ever since. Fathers day for anyone without a Dad is difficult. Mine died at 52 and even though he did not take his own life, he still left life way too early. When I was nursing I went to a lecture by a psychiatrist. I never forgot what he said. He said that just as in cancer or other illnesses it is not always possible to save someone who is depressed and suicidal. They are too ill. I remember thinking it was the first time I understood suicide. I saw it as the result of very severe mental illness. So even though your dad seemed okay he obviously wasn’t. He was in a way as sick as my dad but in a different way. I hope you can still feel him minding you.

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  2. Sooz, I don’t necessarily like this post even though I clicked it, but I like that you are no longer angry and you can identify as sad. My hope is that by stating this and letting go, you can move through the stages of grief and let the happiest memories of your dad overcome the others. My love to you,
    G

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  3. I don’t cry but this brought tears.
    My own father was an unhappy, violent man.
    I empathize with you and all the others for whom Father’s Day can be a difficult day. xxx

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  4. Pingback: Friday foolishness – Wha??? Edition | Guapola

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