10 Funny Things to Say On An Anniversary Card

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1.  Happy 25th…Oh WAIT…It’s only been 5 years. It just SEEMS like it’s been 25.

2.   I feel the same way today day I did when we were married… PREGNANT!!!

3.   I STILL love ya darling after 42 years of marriage. It says I HAVE too right here in the contract.

4.   Happy Anniversary…Happy Anniversary…There, I remembered…Now…HOW many years has it been??????

5.   Our love life darling is like wine…The more we age, the more SOUR it gets.

6.   Happy anniversary to the LOVE of my life. My POOL BOY…JUST KIDDING HERE…LIGHTEN UP PEOPLE…

7.   This year I was going to buy you an expensive toy to play with…BUT…She was already BOOKED…

8.   The longer I’m with you, the more I LOVE you. Man…HALLMARK must really NOT KNOW you…

9.   Our Anniversary means a LOT to me…It reminds me of when we were crazy kids in love…That WAS with YOU right???

10.  Anniversaries are like Birthdays…They come every year but they get OLD fast….

No nasty cards and letters PLEASE… HALLMARK has already SEEN to that…J

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

 

I live in Alaska where the man to women ratio is 8 to 1. I make you aware of this because I have lived here all my life, am 35 years of age and have never had a lasting relationship. I am reasonably attractive, have a fun personality, and am anxious to meet a man.

 

I have actively been looking, but to date, have not found anyone I could become serious with. I date, but honestly, the men here are not my type. I am not hard to please Sooz really, but most of the men I go out with are either boring, want to take me to bed on the first date, or are looking to get married and want to rush things along.

 

Am I too picky?  I need someone who will be sweet, generous, and loving, who will appreciate me and be willing to satisfy my needs. I could really use your advice here so any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Alice in Wonderland


Dear Alice in Wonderland:

 

Let’s back up for just a minute and examine your wants and needs. OK…You want a man who is sweet, generous AND loving right??? SERIOUSLY??? I think there are only about 6 out there with ALL THREE of these qualities who STILL have any interest in getting married.

 

Then, you don’t wanna go to bed on the first date. Honey…This is ALASKA we’re talking about, NOT California. I mean besides drinking, splitting logs, fishing, and SEX, what else IS there???

 

I suggest you KEEP your fun personality, but, also “OPEN UP” your OTHER options. Let’s face it, men want sex. If the odds are THAT good, but the pickins’ are SO SLIM, I suggest free wheelin’ it a bit and THEN see what develops.

 

You STILL don’t have to set the wedding date until you find someone who will treat you right. I’m just thinking that more possibilities will open up as YOU do. I hope this helps.

Wicked Wednesday—The Way To A Man’s Heart—

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Contrary to popular belief, the way to a man’s heart is NOT through his stomach, it’s BANGING the living HELL out of his dick until he is too crippled to walk.

Yes…I know, this is coarse and tactless, BUT, it’s true. Men are horny little bastards, just ask them. Sure a good meal may get them in the mood but bottom line, (USUALLY YOURS), they want HOT, SWEATY, STEAMY, SLUTTY SEX.

OK…Not every man wants slutty sex BUT, the word SEX is ALWAYS imbedded in their minds. Is that wrong??? NO… It’s just how they are wired. Nature has made men the hunters, and us the providers.

Men have a natural and instinctual NEED to procreate the race. It’s what they were designed for. Women on the other hand were born to have babies and provide for our families. YES…I realize I sound like I am enlisting an idea that is thousands of years old but…It’s true.

Now, does that mean that we aren’t supposed to like sex, HELL NO, we just have to be AWARE of our own sexuality. For years, we were taught to play with dolls, be passive and attentive towards our men.

Of course we can still do that today; we just have to realize that men and women should be equal partners in the game of life. We should accept our bodies as men do. If we want SEX…We should HAVE it. We’re entitled to it.  See, it says so right here in paragraph 659 section 25 of the woman’s handbook on…Oh never mind…JUST DO IT ALREADY…

The point I am trying to make here is that Men WANT sex. Men NEED sex. Sex is what builds good relationships (initially), after that, you have to work at it the old fashion way, with good communication skills with and the ability to say I WAS WRONG. I realize this is hard for us since we hardly ARE EVER wrong but every once in a blue moon…

So…There you have it, the way to a man’s heart is through good sex. Yeah, all that other Psycho babble has to be there too of course, but hey, get the ball, (or should I saw balls), rolling and get ‘er done.

Emptiness

 

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,

Held in contempt, and discarded as a bit of flotsam in the Sea of despair.

Yea, do not cry for me my wanton heart,

For falling rain will not heal my tortured soul.

 

Fix me. Mend my infirmities and comfort my mind.

Let me not fall prey to the beast of emptiness,

Let me drink from your cup oh god of kindness,

And may thy mercy be cast upon me.

Giggle Time–Downspout–

an oldie but goody!

My wife said “Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!”
So I invited the boys over.
One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter,
the others brought beer.
Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer,
but we got the downspout fixed.
Wife is still speechless…
I am certain not for much longer though.downspout

I BET THE NEXT TIME HER INSTRUCTIONS WILL BE A LOT MORE DETAILED!!!!!!!!!!!

=

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

My husband and I have a bet that I would like you to decide. First, let me tell you what we would each win if you will be the tie breaker for us. I would win my dream vacation to Italy that I’ve always wanted. My husband would get breakfast in bed on the weekends for the next year. Nice huh?

Here’s the question. Our daughter just turned 13 a couple of weeks ago and she wants the option to go on date unsupervised with a 16 year old boy. My husband says that our daughter is very mature and that everything would be fine.

I, on the other hand, am very skeptical. I know how I was at 13. My hormones were raging, I liked everything I saw in pants, and I needed to feel loved. I am just afraid that a 13 year old girl no matter how mature she is would be equipped to handle those feelings.

While I trust my daughter, I am a little worried about a 16 year old boy and what his hormones are saying. I don’t want to shelter her all her life Sooz, I just think that she is a little young for this kind of dating. What do you think? Whatever you say goes so let’s have your opinion.

Skeptical and Scared

 

Dear Skeptical and Scared:

Pack your bags and bring that suntan lotion. I totally agree with you. At 13, while your daughter seems to be mature, her hormones raging through her body are NOT. Let’s face it, a 16 year old BOY only wants one thing and it AIN’T ice cream. Now, am I saying anything would happen…NO, but, I don’t think it would be a good idea to take the risk.

I think a supervised date would be fine and I’m sure if your daughter really likes this guy she will certainly agree. I say better be safe than sorry. No need to add another life to your household at such an early age. I know how I was at that age and I totally agree with you on this one. Tell your husband for me I’m sorry but he will have to be getting up and getting his OWN breakfast. Thanks for writing.

 

 

Wicked Wednesday—The Big Bang—

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Today I am going to talk about the ultimate orgasm, the Vaginal Bang. Many women have never experienced this ultimate pleasure and I am here to tell you HOW to achieve this magnificent feeling.

The secret here guys is for your woman to be VERY excited. In other words, a 5 minute warm up is NOT going to cut it unless your significant other is already hot, bothered and ready for some action.

Honestly, the most common reason why many women never have a vaginal orgasm is because it is triggered by continuous pressure on our G spots. There are a multitude of reasons why we or our significant others fall short here.

Usually it’s because of one or two things. One, we are not excited enough, or two, either we or our significant others are lacking in the skill needed to achieve Natures wonderful release.

Make sure we are well lubricated, tease us, feel around our pussy without actually touching our clit. Give us LOTS of stimulation. Kissing, slowly feeling our breasts and nipples, and then work your way down to our love spot and tenderly spend some time there.

Ladies, if you are pleasing yourselves, YOU know how to get the job done, so get to it. The important point here is to take your time, FEEL the sensations ease over your body and generally feel like you could cum at any moment.

OK…Here’s the play by play “technically” speaking. While lying on your back, lift up your legs, feet flat on the bed and knees in an upright position. If you are SELF pleasuring yourself, take your second and third fingers, place them in your vagina. Now, stick them up about two inches, on the top of your vagina, until you feel a ribbed bump. This would be your G spot.

With light pressure at first, move your fingers like a come hither motion, slowly at first until your excitement heightens. Then, try putting a bit more pressure there and finger yourself a little faster until you FEEL the explosion coming.

More than likely, you’ll feel as if you have to pee. I recommend using the bathroom just prior to pleasuring yourself. The truth is, this will probably be from the increase in fluid that you will release. Don’t worry, I’ve never peed the bed yet ladies.

As you feel your orgasm coming, place your other hand on your clit and softly stroke it. This should DEFINITELY do it for you. Your back will arch, you may expel fluid, (CUM), and most likely you will shudder with utter delight.

Guys, you would follow the same procedure as I’ve mentioned above. It MAY take a while to happen, many times full excitement doesn’t happen for 30 to 45 min. With ME, I’m ALWAYS horny so I can usually cum in about 10-15 minutes. Everybody is different.

Remember… The trick here is to get VERY excited by doing or having your partner do whatever it takes to make you hotter than Gehenna. Practice makes perfect. Actually, I think I am going to “practice” right now. If anyone needs further help or technical instruction, please feel free to PM me. Good Luck and enjoy…

 

 

Feel GOOD Story–An Eagle’s Kiss–

eagle2This is the kind of story you need when it seems like the world is spiraling out of control..

Not many people get a picture of this proud bird
Snuggled up next to them!

Freedom and Jeff

Freedom and I have been together 11 years this summer.
She came in as a baby in 1998 with two broken wings.
Her left wing doesn’t open all the way even after surgery,
It was broken in 4 places.
She’s my baby.
When Freedom came in she could not stand
And both wings were broken. She was
Emaciated and covered in lice. We made the
Decision to give her a chance at life, so I took
Her to the vet’s office. From then
On, I was always around her. We had her in a
Huge dog carrier with the top off, and it
Was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to
Lay in. I used to sit and talk to her,
Urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay
There looking at me with those big brown eyes.
We also had to tube feed her for weeks.

This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still
Couldn’t stand. It got to the point where the
Decision was made to euthanize her
If she couldn’t stand in a week. You know you don’t
Want to cross that line between torture and
Rehab, and it looked like death was
Winning. She was going to be put
down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in
On that Thursday afternoon. I didn’t want to go
To the center that Thursday, because I couldn’t
Bear the thought of her being euthanized;
But I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone
Was grinning from ear to ear. I went
Immediately back to her cage; and there she was,
Standing on her own, a big beautiful

Eagle.
She was ready to live.
I was just about in tears by then. That
Was a very good day.
We knew she could never fly, so the director
Asked me to glove train her.
I got her used to the glove,
And then to jesses, and we started
Doing education programs for schools
In western Washington .
We wound up in the newspapers,
Radio (believe it or not) and some
TV. Miracle Pets even did a show
About us.

In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with
Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I had stage 3,
Which is not good (one major organ plus
Everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of
Chemo. Lost the hair – the whole
Bit. I missed a lot of work. When I
Felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey
And take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would
Also come to me in my dreams and help me fight
The cancer. This happened time and time again.

Fast forward to November 2000.

The day after Thanksgiving,
I went in for my last checkup.
I was told that if the cancer was not
All gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last
Option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they
Did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for
The results. I went in Monday, and I was
Told that all the cancer was gone.

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So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and
Take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty
And cold. I went to her flight and jessed her
Up, and we went out front to the top of the
Hill. I hadn’t said a word to
Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me
And wrapped both
Her wings around me to where I
Could feel them pressing in on  my back
(I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she
Touched my nose with her beak and stared into my
Eyes, and we just stood there like that
For I don’t know how long. That was a
Magic moment. We have been soul mates ever
Since she came in. This is a very special bird.

On a side note: I have had people who
Were sick come up to us when we are out, and
Freedom has some kind of hold on
Them. I once had a guy who was
Terminal come up to us and
I let him hold her.His knees just about buckled and he
Swore he could feel her power course through his
Body. I have so many stories like that..

I never forget the honor I have of being so close
To such a magnificent spirit as
Freedom.

Hope you enjoyed this!