Monster Movies—SERIOUSLY???



OK…There are thousands of monster movies out there but depending on the TYPE of movie, they all seem to have the same things in common. Let’s take some of the more common ones and explore them.

Frankenstein—One of the best known monster stories written by Mary Shelley, yet, when it’s converted to the movie screen, it becomes predictable. I’ll give you a couple of examples: When Frankenstein walks, he walks like a freakin’ ROBOT. Please, don’t insult our intelligence Hollywood, this guy has been resurrected from the dead, NOT put together with metal and microchips, WHY can’t he just walk “NORMALLY”???

Why does he always have to walk like a robot that walks at a pace less than one mile per hour? Think about it, the ONLY people he EVER catches are those that fall down, and USUALLY, THEY are women.

Let’s explore this for a moment. Why does it ALWAYS have to be WOMEN who fall down and are caught by this gruesome monster? I don’t see the point here. Is Hollywood saying that Women are less agile on their feet than men, and WHY can’t they get back UP and run somewhere for cover? I mean he walks slower than a crippled turtle? You had a great idea Mary, but Hollywood just F**KED it up.

Dracula—This guy is one of my favorites. Romanian accent, slicked back hair, great cape, and can turn into a BAT at the blink of an eye. What’s NOT to love? A couple of questions I would ask here though, one, if he has NO reflection in the mirror, how does he SEE to get such GREAT looking slicked back hair? Or, how does he know if he needs dental work if he can’t SEE what he looks like?

Two, What IS it about garlic that keeps him away from us mortals. Is it our BREATH after we’ve just eaten an Italian or Hot Mexican meal? I mean THAT I could understand as I’ve BEEN there and I TOO wanna stay far away from the offender. But, a garlic NECKLACE…SERIOUSLY??? OK…A cross and Holy Water I GET, religious symbolism, but Garlic…Come on???

Lastly… A Stake through the heart to KILL the monster, SERIOUSLY, do you REALLY think you’re gonna get close enough to really DO that? Yeah, I know, you SNEAK into his Castle late at night, find his coffin, and Budda Bing Budda Boom, you drive the steak through his heart. Seriously…If I was Dracula, I would have that castle rigged with so many SAFE measures to protect me it wouldn’t be funny.

I’d have the BEST security I could buy, snipers on the roof,(ZOMBIES of course), rocket launchers to dissuade aerial attack, and I CERTAINLY wouldn’t have my coffin just laying out in plain sight like they do in the movies. I would have that sucker hidden behind a 2 foot concrete and steel reinforced panic room wall with so many freakin’  key codes to open it, you would need the ENTIRE code team at the NSA to bust it.

Anyway, the point I think has been made. Hollywood is Hollywood and will continue to make monster movies. I just wish they were a little more realistic and not as predictable as say Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Sylvester Stallone taking out an entire ARMY all by themselves. Come on guys…Let’s get it right…Make it more believable…That’s all I’m saying.

Until Later…



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