Just Ask Sooz



Dear Sooz:


Shit, do I have a conundrum on my hands? I introduced my roomie to this halve ass (actually rather large assed) acquantence of mine. How was I to know it would turn into those sickening love at first sight thingys? Two weeks in and they are soul mates, (yeah right), and they are inseparable. Good for them, fuckin’ A right. I wish them the best but damn they are tough on the eyes in this endless display of PDA. Whateva…


Here’s the dillema Sooz…my roommate is a horder and even larger slob. He drinks and works-that’s it….barely bathes, neva-eva cleans shit-nada. When he gave me a room during my struggles and hard times…I set it in place and it has some “order” and cleanliness. Well, owing to his own disgusting habits, his room is uninhabitable.


So these clowns have been sneaking into my room using my bed for sex. Now, looking beyond the 550 pounds of beer breath, cottage cheese, and altering the form of my mattresses….oh god here it comes…she’s a squirter.


It gets worse, one night I came home and believe there was a golden shower involved. MY ROOM SMELLED LIKE PISS AND BAD PUSSY? Is urine in some squirters-squirts? I’ve neva heard of such a thing? I’m freaked and you know I’m not squeamish?


I confronted them and the rhino girl was quite contrite. She took my comforter and blankets a few days ago to clean but she has yet to return them? What gives with these biped beings? What I am I supposed to do since I am to poor to move? HELP SOOZ!!!!





Dear Buddhazilla:


Sooz is here to the rescue. You have to GROW a pair buddy. These two NEED to know that YOU live there too. If your roommate wants to horde HIS room and stink it up with cottage cheese, beer and PISS, SO BE IT. However…He must DO it in his OWN room, beer and cottage cheese…SERIOUSLY????


I realize he gave you a place to crash but you are NOT his cleaning staff. Let him have piles up to the ceiling if he wants in HIS room. He can have merry old sex and all the golden showers he wants to IF he can find the room.


Make him understand that while you are appreciative for his kindness in your time of need, HIS room is HIS, and yours is YOURS. If he doesn’t respect your privacy, then put a lock on your door and the “GOOD TIMES” in YOUR room will end.


Your friend sounds like he has a problem and could use the help of a good therapist, OR at LEAST A GARBAGE PICK-UP…Tell him to watch the show Hoarders on TV, Maybe he will get a clue.


Oh…By the way, squirters do NOT squirt piss, it’s strictly female cum. I KNOW, I’M a squirter. I wish you much luck with this. STAY strong when you tell him and DON’T wimp out.

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