A Drunkard’s Prayer

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Slumber approaches as I drift into a world of oblivion.

My mind once sharp and discerning,

Now is dispassionate from the sweet liquid of courage.

 

Heavy are my limbs, and flushed is my body.

My senses are laggard, and my mood is sensual.

Lust is beckoning me to renew its companionship,

Yet, the heavy wave of slumber tugs at my core.

 

My lips once wet with luscious desire,

Now fail to grasp Natures saliva.

My words once a thing of confidence and beauty, now appropriated,

For they have been transformed into meaningless syllables.

 

As has been proclaimed, the mind is strong, but the body is weak.

I pray thee; let me NOT suffer thy treacherous consequences,

Enhance my spirit to a better resolve,

And return me to my glory.

 

 

   

Why Is It That:

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Why is it that–there is MORE (???) than one way to skin a cat. AND…Who would WANT to skin a cat besides a Sociopathic serial killer???

Why is it that–The Queen of England has a billion dollars’ worth of jewelry, yet she keeps most of it stored away??? Come ON Your Majesty, let’s cash ‘em in and feed an entire third world nation for a year.

Why is it that–You get your PANTIES all in a twist but NOT your Jockey shorts???

Why is it that–Many men cam simply NOT learn how to lower a toilet seat??? Let me help you…Lift seat…Pee… Flush…Lower toilet seat…Repeat at each use.

Why is it that–RUSH HOUR traffic is really slower than a snail’s pace???

Why it is that–We BELIEVE we are handy even though we don’t even KNOW what an Allen wrench IS??? P.S. The Allen wrench was NOT named by some guy named Allen but from a manufacturing co. who bought out the rights to produce them…

Why it is that–Men only LISTEN to women when the topic of Sex, Sports, or Beer is mentioned in the conversation???

Why it is that–Excessive drinking makes us FEEL so good even though it is BAD for us??? Yes….Yes….I KNOW the reason, I was just testing you.

Why is it that–An apple a day keeps the Dr. away even though that apple could be ROTTEN to the core??? See the play on words here with the two different sayings??? Ohhhhhh…NEVER MIND…

Why is it that–Everybody and their BROTHER NEED to know why the chicken crossed the road??? OR…What came first the chicken or the egg??? Seriously, with world poverty, hunger, disease, and pestilence, who really gives a flying F**K???

Namaste…

 

Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

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Once upon a time in a land far away, (Love that opening), there lived a BEAUTIFUL girl let’s call her Sue because well, I LIKE the name and because it’s MY story… Now, Sue lived with her 22 brothers and sisters in a HUGE shoe.

THAT’S right a Shoe. It was a GREAT shoe, designed by Jimmy Choo. It had a 4 inch heel keeping the family up high and safe, and was a Double Z width so everyone would have plenty of room. WHAT??? THAT’S believable, I LOVE Jimmy Choo, he could make ANYTHING.

Anyway…The old woman lived there with her kids her husband named Studman, (Think about it), and their dog named Woof. Again…It’s MY story. They were a poor but happy family. Hey… Wouldn’t YOU be poor having 22 children? Besides making love, and creating as many children as possible, Studman worked as a farmer. His specialty crop was corn.

All day, (when he wasn’t in the bedroom), he worked the fields and made sure his corn was well tended to. One day during the heat of the afternoon sun, he stopped his labor to take a drink of water. As he sipped, he noticed what appeared to be a figure walking through his cornfield.

He called out but no one answered him. His curiosity getting the better of him, he walked toward the moving stalks to see what it was. He searched and searched yet nothing was there. Thinking it was just the wind he continued tending his fields.

 Suddenly, out of nowhere, a voice appeared through the cornfield, “Studman…leave the field, take Sue, and meet a man in town named Rumpled Paper Man.” Studman shouted out, “Who are you?”  “I am your fairy godfather and your life is about to change, now go.”

Heading his fairy godfather’s advice, he hurried home, grabbed his daughter Sue, and headed toward town. His heart was heavy because his fairy godfather never TOLD him where to find Rumpled Paper Man. They arrived in town and not knowing what to do, he just started yelling out, “Yo…Rumpled Paper Man, Rumpled Paper Man.” After about an hour of useless yelling into the wind, a man appearing to be in his 70’s approached them and indicated that indeed HE was Rumpled Paper Man.

“I was sent here by my fairy godfather”, he said, “Do you know what this is all about?” Why YES exclaimed the man, I am a prophet and work hand in hand with your fairy godfather. Studman still curious asked, “So what is supposed to happen here?”

With a touch of his hand onto Sue’s head, and saying some magic words, (Bippity Boppity Boo…Work with me here people, will ya), Rumpled Paper Man transformed Sue’s raggedy old dress into a beautiful long flowing gown. The once shabby old farming community became a kingdom with beautiful white horses and carriages galore.

People began to bow to Sue as they walked by calling her your highness. Low and behold, Sue was transformed into a beautiful princess and lived in a castle with her family They eventually SOLD the shoe, (Cause the market was coming back now), ruled for a longtime and were LOVED by all that encountered them.

Moral:—If YOU wanna become a Princess, buy a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, and hope like HELL you run into a guy named Rumpled Paper Man…

The End…

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I read your column every week but I have a question. Why is it that almost every letter you post is about some kind of sexual problem? I mean sometimes they are funny but a lot of time they are just crude, rude, or unattractive to be put into an advice column.

Don’t people ever have other problems you can solve? What about children problems or smoking in the house type of problems? I am just so tired of reading your letters which constantly seem to have sexual material in them, how about a few non sexual pieces of advice for a change.

Frustrated Fan

 

Dear Frustrated Fan:

I WRITE them because they ARE the number ONE type of letters that I get. Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your loyalty and I am GLAD that everything seems to be going well in YOUR relationship; the sad truth IS however, many folks don’t share the same over the moon feelings in their sexual life as you.

Oh sure, I could write about someone’s husband sneaking a cigarette INSIDE the house or advise about barking dogs, BUT…Let’s be frank here, they would be BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING…

Tell you what…You write me with something OTHER than a sexual problem and I will get it just as soon as the SUN DIES OUT. Look…I write these to try and help people, MOST people just don’t give a rat’s ass if Uncle Harry has smelly bowels or farts in the house 24/7.

OK….OK…Since you are a valued fan I will TRY and find a letter with some MUNDANE problem and give it my expert advice. I thank you for writing and hope tht your sexual well-being CONTINUES along a steady course. If it DOESN’T…I am here…Just Ask Sooz…Good Day to you…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things NOT To Do When I’m Angry

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10.  Text my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend–This can be cathartic, BUT, I also  fear I may wind up with a 25 to life charge on my record…

 9.  Cook–I may actually NEED all my fingers so I can text my Ex. later Hehehehe….

 8.  Drink—I have found this out TOO MANY times. Usually I’m drunk in about 10 min. THEN…I pass out BEFORE I can text my DAMN Ex…

 7.  Write a Blog—For SOME reason when I write while angry, I wind up apologizing to the entire blogging world later explaining WHY writing while naked is so FREEING…  

 6.  Have Sex—I am usually Soooooo angry that during sex my sexual energy tends to totally WEAR OUT my partner…They are NEVER the same after…

 5.  Exercise—OK…You CAUGHT me. The ONLY exercise I get is bending my arm taking shots….Ohhhhh and having continuous sex. TRY IT…It WORKS…

 4.  Hold Meetings—Yes…I have done this BUT…Just let me say that he DESERVED to be hung upside down naked and used as a dart board.

 3.  Drive—Sometimes I have the tendency to let off little steam and MAY drive a little fast. Seriously…Is 40 mph over the speed limit REALLY so bad??? It’s NOT like I’m doing it in a SCHOOL zone…

 2.  Talk to Relatives on the phone—This is a REALLY BAD idea. For Example: The other day I was talking to my cousin and told her to “Get outta bed, Lose the PIMP and turn the RED light off…………ROXANNE!!!

 1.  Go to a bar—This has been proven to be BAD. You might wake up like I did…On the POOL table, listening to a Stairway To Heaven, a note taped to my boob saying… “Thanks for a GREAT time Sooz, signed the bar patrons. P.S. You still owe Bubba 25 bones for the last game.” I REALLY hope that means DOLLARS…Yikes!!!

Until Later…

Ten Things I am NOT Going to Do Today

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10. Wake up on the floor…AGAIN…

 9.  Talk to my drinking buddy that is NOT really there.

 8.  Clean up the Piss in my pants from that Damn Pink Elephant.

 7.  Waste time searching for my lost keys that I KNOW are still attached to the zipper of my jeans.

 6.  Apologize to the immediate world for lewd, crude, and unattractive things I did and don’t remember from the night before.

 5.  Spend the night again with The Ringling Brothers Circus Clowns. 

 4.  Call in sick because I am too hung over to find my car…AGAIN…

 3.  OK….I MY have lied about the clowns…They were a good lay…Hehehehe…

 2.  Have breakfast with the Drunk Tank cop…

 1.  Lie like I did on the above Nine answers….Hmmmm….or DID I?????

Until Later…

Giggle Time– The Dog–

Dinner party for 8 $250 …   Wine for guests $80…   Your parents are there,   Your in-laws are there,   Your boss and his   wife are there,    The minister and   his wife are there,   You’re all   settling down for   a nice relaxing   evening dinner,   Then   In   Walks   The   Dog…..           PRICELESS!
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     ……For Everything Else There’s MasterCard