Dildos Dildos Everywhere

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That’s right folks….I just typed the DREADED word Dildo…(SHUDDERS)… Now, am I just writing this piece to get attention, YES!!!!!!!!!! I just think that this word needs to be brought to the surface and not just thought of as a Shhhhhhhh topic that we only talk about when drunk.

Come on ladies…We all use them, (Even though we say we don’t ‘cause we don’t want anyone else knowing it). I mean Mr. Happy can’t be around 24/7… PLUS…This way, we can HAVE it as we WANT it. OK….I see you with your mouth open there folks but SERIOUSLY??? Hey we’re all adults here, at least those of us that “SHOULD” be reading this.

My question is, what kind of dildo is RIGHT for you. I mean after all…They come in ALL SIZES…Large ones; small ones, curved ones ,electric ones, rubber ones, glass ones, Twizzler ones, hell even HUGE ones, and strap on ones…So many choices but only ONE Vagina…Phew…

Personally, I own several different kinds, (Turns around to see if anyone is looking). That way, I can use them according to my mood. Although, I must admit, I do like the curvy ones because they can get WAYYYYYY up into “FUN LAND” and hit a few of those elusive G spots. Nothing better when you “have the need” than to just slip one in and wait for Nirvana…

Oh “COME ON”…Don’t give me the fish eye, you KNOW you DO…Anyway…I say that a well-educated woman in today’s day and age should be able to make her own pleasure. So come on gals, start those dildos and let’s have some fun…

P.S. No hate mail from Religious groups…Most of you use them MORE than I do…Thank you…

Until Later…

 

 

 

Ahhhh the Irish

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Being Irish, I thought this was cute and figured it was something I might have said while in school…

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’
‘NO!’ the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, the answer was ‘NO!’
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘NO!’
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’
A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’
It’s a curious race, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?
 
 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Just so we’re clear, I’m drunk while writing this. Here’s my problem. I like to drink and get drunk. I feel like a million bucks, can conquer the world, and have an urgent need for sex, which I put to use when pissed.

I have always liked to drink but really got the addiction bad after my husband passed away. I am a 43 year old woman who makes good money from my husband’s army pension and my SSI. I say this because I can well afford my daily habit which consists of a bottle of red wine and also one of Vodka.

Bottom line here Sooz is I love the feeling being drunk offers, even though I realize it is not good for my health. People have told me to quit but, I have not hurt anyone, don’t drive when intoxicated, nor am I a belligerent drunk. I am a party girl who just needs to feel good and get some booty back into my life again on a regular basis.

A friend of mine has read your columns and has told me that you too have a bit of an alcohol problem so I wanted to get your opinion. What do you think I should do?

Happy in La La Land

 

Dear Happy:

I TOO am drunk  happy as I type this. I can say this because well, I’m DRUNK and I wanna. I know EXACTLY what you’re feeling because I too am the same way. I picked up MY habit when I was about 13 though. I offer NO excuses; I just like to get drunk.

Of course my advice would be to go to AA, you don’t NEED to get drunk to have a good time, meet men and get F**KED like a rabbit. However, I too have been told that and just can’t seem to stick with it.  AA has TOO many rules and regulations and I just can’t seem to get past step two as I’m USUALLY drunk after that. Now, am I saying that AA doesn’t work, no, it just hasn’t worked for me. I too am a highly functioning drunk (Usually), and it has had no work or social consequences. MY biggest concern is waking up on the floor. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!

My advice…Try AA…See if it works for you. If NOT, give me a call and we’ll go out drinking…Muah!!!

 

 

 

 

Ten Things NEVER to Admit

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Ten Things NEVER To Admit

10. I’m pregnant with Dads baby

 9. Mom is my SISTER

 8. The family Jewels are Hidden under Dads pants

 7. I don’t have a drug problem, it’s just SNOWING under my nose

 6. I’m NOT a drunk…I’m just helping my friend KEEP his bar open

 5. OK…That Sports doping thingy…I thought I was just donating blood

 4. I am NOT a Nazi, You ignorant cock sucking black Jew Bastard

 3. No…I did NOT train Charles Manson

 2. The head in the freezer is just for my Science project Mom

 1. “I did NOT have sex with that woman”

Giggle Time

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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.  The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed, and finally said,
For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”

How to Be a Better Lover

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Let’s be honest, who DOESN’T wana become a better lover? Since time BEGAN we’ve been DOING it, and well, getting the job done because there are a WHOLE lotta people here populating our planet.

The thing IS, it has just recently been the topic of conversation in our everyday lives. Before the 20th century, women were thought of as being obedient to their husbands…Yeah….Right!!!!???? Bubba would say, “ Hey there Matilda, why don’t we go into the bedroom and have us some FUN?”

WE, of course thought he meant we were gonna play a game of checkers. It was quite a shock when he wanted us to DISROBE, and IN-FRONT of him, have him start nibbling on our boobs, and feeling our HOOCHIES. Usually, he was like… In, out, in, out, and ahhhhhhhhhh…Hell, there wasn’t TIME enough to have any pleasure. We just DID it and then popped out kids every 9 months.

Today however, at least in MOST parts of the globe, men have learned that PLEASING us could be a GOOD thing. They’ve discovered that NICE things happen to them when we TOO are pleasured. Once men discovered this important piece of knowledge, they’ve become obsessed with making sure that we writhe and screa­­m in pleasures domain.

So…To help you all out with this one, let me give you some SURE fire ways how to take us to the moon and back. OK…Here are the basics.

  1. 1.  WATCH us while WE pleasure ourselves. Don’t be shy ladies, believe me, this will help in the bedroom 1000 %. Men are visual and need the correct mechanics for us. Each and every one of us is different so theywill DISCOVER what we like by watching us.
  1. 2.  Take your time with foreplay…PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wham bam thank you mam just doesn’t work for us. Kissing is a great warm up so spend some time on our lips…NOOOOOOOOOOOO………Not THOSE lips, at least not YET.
  2. 3.  Ask us HOW to nibble our nipples. Some of us have VERY sensitive breasts and don’t want them CHEWED like a piece of beef jerky. If your lover LIKES it, then by all means, eat them like you’re at a hotdog eating contest.
  3. 4.  Make sure we are nice and WET before entering our HOOCHIES. This will show you that we are excited and are ready for Mr. Happy.
  4. 5.  Last but not least, when the deed is done, for the love of GOD, Cuddle us a while. We view making love as an expression of us giving ourselves to you and not just an act. Hold us; tell us how beautiful we are, even IF we look like the elephant man. This will win you points and we’ll want to try you out again.

Remember, we may not Cum every time no matter what you do. Believe it or not, WE have to be in the mood. Just hold us, kiss us and let us know that you are there for us and I guarantee you, there WILL be a next time.

Until Later…

 

 

 

Diary of a Drunk

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Dear Diary:

It’s been a long day. As I write this, I am totally consumed in the grip of alcohol’s hold. My eyes once sharp and clear are now heavy and reddened from my poisons addiction. My speech is slurred; my body weaves as I go to the bar to refill my drink, and I am sexually excited, in other words, I’m DRUNK again.

When will I ever learn? Why can’t I STOP this continuous life snatching behavior? I SWORE this morning when I took those first couple of shots that I was only doing it to help get rid of the previous night’s hangover. I would be fine then. I could go to work, do my job, come home, and then just read and relax. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was OK until lunch, and then my downward spiral began. Lunch with clients consisted of a salad, soup, bread and of course I just HAD to top it off with 3 martinis. This began my downfall. I arrived back at work buzzed but happy. I felt as if I could conquer the world. I ran a meeting and no one seemed to notice that I was buzzed so I felt pretty happy about that. It seemed as though I held my own fairly well.

Well…THAT called for a little celebration so I opened my drawer, took out the bottle of Vodka I keep there and poured myself a two finger drink. I just needed a little pick me up before the day was over, no harm in THAT right? Finally, the day was over and I had my driver bring me home.

I opened my mail, checked my messages, and THEN, headed for my bar. I felt like I had a pretty good day today so I figured I would have a little liabation. I poured myself a Vodka and Cranberry juice, (My favorite drink), opened up my computer and got caught up on what was happening in today’s world.

The night went on diary and so has the drinking. I have just finished writing today’s entry and thank God because the room is starting to spin. I think I will go to the bedroom while I can, I HATE waking up on the floor. OMG…This has been a complete disaster writing this. Thank God for spell check and the keyboard dictionary. Hopefully tomorrow will be better but my hope is quickly waning. Thanks for listening diary, at least YOU understand me…Goodnight.

 

 

 

 

The Four Stages of Stupidity When Dating

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 Before I begin writing this, let me just say that this piece applies to both Men AND Women. When we date we always like to put our best foot forward. This way, we can impress our date and hopefully will get another. SOMETIMES, however, we fall into one of the pitfalls. I call these, Stages of Stupidity; here we only take our foot OUT of our mouth to CHANGE feet.

The Time Delay—People, this is such a common stage of stupidity and can EASILY be avoided. Your date says he will pick you up at 8:00 and never gets there until 8:45. Now unless he was involved in an accident with a Tractor Trailer and had BOTH his freakin’ HANDS severed, he BETTER get on that phone and call you.

Hint:…Guys, don’t under ANY circumstances say you were late because your buddies at the bar just wouldn’t let you go. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make sure you have a GOOD excuse, even MAKE ONE up if necessary to account for your lateness. A good one is: “ My glasses broke and I had to get a prescription WINDSHIELD installed in my car”… Girls…The same goes for you, if you are supposed to ready by 8:00, then BE READY. NOTHING will keep him from being upset UNLESS you walk down the stairs to greet him NAKED and then take him back to your bedroom. I have had to do this on SEVERAL occasions. SHEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting TOO Drunk to Have Sex—NOBODY likes a sloppy drunk…Well, unless you happen to be a serial rapist and then it actually could work in your favor. BOTH parties should drink JUST enough to STILL be able to perform when your date is over…Drink RESPONSIBLY; it’s in BOTH of your interests.

Not Being Able to Carry a Conversation—If ya can’t communicate, you’re NOT getting laid. Nuff said. If either of you are scaredy cats or are too shy to talk, take a speech class, read the newspaper, get a hobby, ANYTHING that will help stimulate a back and forth conversation. There is nothing worse than just staring at your date for 2 hours over a silent dinner. Learn some jokes; ask open ended questions like, “What do you think about String Theory, or say Elementary Particles?” This should REALLY get the conversation jumpin’ and ensure you get a little booty later.

The Goodnight Kiss—OK…This tops the height of stupidity in the first date category. Many guys AND girls are too shy to give up a little tongue action on the first date. Hell, I’ve been with guys that wanted to just shake my hand…SERIOUSLY??????

If we’ve had a good time with you, and or are a little drunk, we WANT to get a little goodnight kiss (or better).?!! Guys, all ya have to do is just lean in, hold our head in your hands and KISS us. Now, DON’T put your tongue immediately down our throats, work up to it. Tell us how great we are, that you would love to see us again etc. THEN…Don’t be shy, give us a little lovin’.

Unless you were REALLY boring or we just had a lousy time, we WANT and EXPECT it. If we DON’T get one, we start questioning our own femininity. Girls, if you want one and he is too shy, GRAB the bull by the horns and just dive in there, after all it IS 2013. By giving and or getting a goodnight kiss, we will be ready and willing to try it again so DON’T be shy.

By eliminating these four awkward stages of stupidity, you will find that the dating experience once again can be a pleasurable and STIMULATING scene.

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have a Big problem. I am a single mother with a 12 year old child and I have made a Huge no no mistake. First, let me set the stage. I occasionally do some sexy Sexting on the phone with my boyfriend. I have never really thought anything about it Until now.

The other day I was doing about three things at once and my daughter Elyse asked if she could make a quick call to one of her girlfriends using my phone. Well, I didn’t think anything about it until I Realized that some of my Sexting material was never deleted.

Now, Elyse hasn’t Said anything to me about it but I noticed her face was very red when she handed me back my phone. I don’t know what to do Sooz. Should I bring it up and admit my slip-up or should I just let it drop until she possibly brings up the subject? I am in such a state here and don’t know what to do.

Sexting Susan

 

Dear Sexting Susan:

Ohhhh boy!!! What the HELL were you thinking in the FIRST place? If you’re gonna Sext somebody, at LEAST have the decency to “Delete All”. You’re right; this could leave a nasty taste in her mouth and make her start wondering about you if she saw anything.

OK…Here’s what you do, ASK her if she “accidentally” stumbled on any of your other texts when she had your phone. If she says NO…Kiss the ground and THANK JESUS. If she DID see your Sexts, sit her down and explain the best you can what she saw and let her know that you made a mistake. Tell her that you are Human just like she is and that NOBODY is perfect.

Apologize for what she saw. Give her a hug and then ask her if she has any other questions. Be direct and don’t lie to her. Set her straight NOW so she doesn’t take this souring experience with her. Good luck…

 

 

Giggle Time–Expanding Family–

 

 

 

A pastor’s  wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck.
 
After

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  children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting

 

to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued,

 

as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church,

 

and how much more it could potentially cost.

 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,

 

“Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

 
Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew,  a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

 

“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

 
The entire congregation said, “Amen.”
 
Gotta love those senior citizens !