Just Ask Sooz–Halloween Edition–

 

Dear Sooz:
Hi…It’s Linus, you know, from Charlie Brown. I’m writing you today because I understand you are an expert on just about everything and I need your help.
It’s really a two fold problem Sooz. First of all, let’s address The Great Pumpkin since it IS Halloween. Every year I give up going to parties and trick or treating so I can see the Great Pumpkin, and each year I seem to fall asleep before he arrives.
Charlie Brown and Lucy claim that there ISN’T really a Great Pumpkin, that I am just wasting my time. I KNOW however, that in my heart of hearts, he really DOES exist and that I just fall asleep BEFORE he arrives. What do YOU think Sooz? Am I wasting my time or do you think I should just stay WITH it???
Secondly, I am really worried about my friend Charlie Brown. He’s been moping around lately because of this Little Red Headed Girl. Ya see, Charlie Brown is all head over heels in love with her and to date, she hasn’t given him the time of day. I’m his best friend and I hate to see him so depressed. What should I do to help him?
 A True Friend

Dear True Friend:
Sorry Linis, you’ve been doing this since 1965 now and to date, you have STILL NOT seen the Great Pumpkin. I think that after trying for almost 50 years, you should GIVE IT UP!!! He’s NOT coming…Sorry baby, just a fact of life. I give you lots of props though for trying for so long.

As far as that Little Red Headed Chick, well…THAT’S a whole nuther story. She wouldn’t even realize WHAT a good man he was even if he came up and KISSED her. She just has her head stuck to far up her OWN ass at this point to realize it. I say…KICK THAT LAZY ASS BITCH TO THE CURB and MOVE ON!!! One day, she will look back at this and say, “DAMN…What a FINE piece of meat I gave up in that Brown guy.
Buy him a soda and some cookies, and tell Lucy I said to let him KICK that god damned football once in a while. If she DOES, then maybe he won’t be carrying that CHIP on his shoulder the rest of his life. I hope this helped you…
Happy Halloween

Ten Things Not To Say/Do While Going Through Airport Security

 

1.  Telling them you can’t remove your hat for MEDICAL reasons

2.  Saying that you left your passport in your “other” flack jacket

3.  Swearing there was only 3oz of C-4 and NOT 4

4.  Explaining that your 10 ” Bowie knife with you was just an oversight

5.  Asking the TSA agent for the time….In Leboneze….

6.  You’re mearly holding the AKA 47 for a friend

7.  Asking if the in flight movie can be translated to Arabic

8.  Walking through airport security with a turban and a GOAT in tow

9.  You approach the TSA desk with your hands up

10. You explain to the TSA agent that the alcohol on your breath is because you were drinking Malatov Cocktails.
 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I am a 34 four year old woman who has a “unique” problem.  For lack of a better term, I “pass the gas station” a Lot. I mean I expel odorous gasses at the most inconvienient times. OK, look, I FART a lot.
I have been to Gastrointestinal Dr’s. who recommended a complete diet change and also to add Beano to my diet. I have tried this Sooz yet nothing seems to help.

The other night when my boyfriend and I were making love, he was satisfying me orally when I let out the loudest sounding fart you have ever heard. No kidding, this fart could have awakened the dead. I was embarrassed as hell because not only did this put a damper on our lovemaking, but the entire room stunk to high heaven.
I am so mortified and I don’t know what to do. Can you offer some encouraging advice?

Skunking up the place

Dear Skunking up the place:

While you have seemed to take the correct approach to the problem, there is still something obviously wrong. My guess…It’s STILL your diet. You say you have changed but MY guess there are still some Pizza’s or Taco’s in your diet. Many foods are just naturally gas producing foods.

Many foods such as beans, cabbage and carbonated drinks are known for producing gas. Try eating more Yogart. This helps digest your food better and cuts down on flatulence.f you are still going to eat gas producing foods, eat yogurt directly afterwards and NO foods within 2 hours before having sex.

Hopefully, in doing these things, you will alleviate your skunk like behavior. Good luck…

Excuse Me, is That a Booger

Before I start here, “How many people are reading this because of the title?” That’s what I thought…ALL of YOU!!! That’s OK, I too must admit that if I saw this title, I would at LEAST take a glance. Now, on with the post.

I admit I am feeling a little silly right now but this actually happened to me and I’m sure similar circumstances have happened to you. I was at a Political function the other night and the host and I were talking.

Nothing unusual about THAT right, EXCEPT, he had the biggest BOOGER I have EVER seen hanging from his nose. Seriously, if this booger had dropped, it would have caused a 300 mega ton explosion.

Now, in this case, what is the POLITE thing to do? Do I dare bring it to his attention? “Excuse me Sir, you have a BOOGER the size of Antartica hanging from your nose”, OR, do you just let it slide and hope that he goes away soon? I was in a conundrum.

You know how you TRY and NOT stare, yet it’s Soooooo large it’s hard NOT to look? I just wanted to grab the damn thing with my hankie saying there was some dirt there but once again I didn’t want to insult him. My mind kept getting distracted from what he was SAYING and was concentrating how I would extract this hunk of coal from his nose. I mean the damn thing was gonna fall either on his tux or possibly the floor creating a hole the size of Kansas.

Finally, at the last possible moment before imminent danger, his wife came over, took him aside, and with the proper tools extracted this unsightly bolder from his nose.

OK look…I KNOW this was a BOOGER story BUT, I’m sure YOU have one equally as exciting that we would all love to hear. If you DO, make sure you message me as I would LOVE to read it and comment…
Until Later…

I AM

I am:

I am but a minute cog in the wheels of the Universe.

I am but a flitter of dust cast upon this Earth to accept a challenge.

I am part of the infinite knowledge of the one mind.

I am a writer.

I am a philosopher.

I am a flawed entity trying to repair my weaknesses.

I am a giver.

I am a taker.

I am a lover.

I am a friend.

I am all of these, but most importantly, I am a being dedicated to make others lives better.

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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This was an actual letter I received a while back and I was wondering if I should print it. Then, I decided …What to Hell…Go ahead, enjoy…

Dear Sooz:

I understand that you are of Irish descent so I just thought I would run this by you. I believe I may be a Leprechaun. I know, I know, don’t laugh but it’s true. I grew up in an orphanage, am only 4’ 2” tall, and I seem to have some super powers.

I can predict the future and have always had a yen for playing practical jokes on people. I have always wanted to dress in funny Leprechaun clothes and for Halloween, as a kid, I would always dress up as one.

As it turns out, I am also very musical. I play the fiddle, tin whistle, and also the Irish Harp. Did I mention I like to drink? Oh yeah, there isn’t enough Irish whiskey around that can keep me satisfied. Do you think it’s POSSIBLE that I could be one of the little people?

Name withheld for obvious reasons

 

Dear name withheld for obvious reasons:

While you do display many of the beliefs that people associate with Leprechauns, I believe it is probably more of the effects of the Irish whiskey you drink. I TOO will SEE Leprechauns after one too many Irish sodas.

The fact that you are of smaller build only means you could be a little person, and NO…Not the kind who has gold buried somewhere and then gives out three wishes if caught by us mortals.

IF, on the other hand you ARE a Leprechaun, I would be more than happy to discuss this matter with you in PERSON. Don’t be silly, I am NOT trying to capture you so I can get your gold silly; I just need to talk and give you some more advice.

Bring over your fiddle and we can open a bottle of my finest Irish whiskey and  jam…I would say more but since you already know the future I understand that won’t be necessary. Talk to you soon…

Irish Sooz

Inspirational Message

I saw this on my last flight in a Sky Mall magazine and I thought it would be fitting to share with everyone…

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…………………….Have Hope………………………
…………………….Be Strong……………………….
…………………….Laugh Loud………………………
…………………….Play Hard………………………..
…………………….Live in the Moment………………
…………………….Smile Often……………………..
…………………….Dream Big………………………..
…………………….Remember you are Loved…………
…………………….And Never…Never…Never Give Up…………….

Scarlett’s– Why I Blog Challenge

A woman by the name of Scarlett Letters recently challenged everyone WHY they started to Blog…Here is MY story.

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Well Scarlet, here we are. I don’t know why, but for some reason I just had to accept this challenge. Many years ago, no wait, a FEW years ago, yeah that’s better, I decided I would keep a joural.It was the thing to do back in the dinorsaur days where I came from. I mean back then, gathering nuts and berries, and then transforming them into a delicious Master Chef dinner is about all there was to do besides drink Grog, and well…YOU KNOW…

I was an intraverted kid, didn’t really play with the other children of the colony, so to fill my time, I read, and I also would write my feelings of the day into my journal. I talked about all the other girls, (behind their backs of course), I talked about my feelings about boys, and my love affair for their Mr Happys,  (Their PENIS- OK???), and then I would talk about all my girl crushes.

The thing is, after writing in my journal, I would always feel better, a sense of peace if you will. Well, you know the rest of the story, I grew up, got into the business field and never looked back. I ALWAYS however, would come back at the end of the day, and take at least 15 minutes to write my feelings down in my journal. I would review my journals from time to time and think, God…These are boring, you can write something better than this?!?

So, a friend of mine told me about this website and how it had changed her life. She said,”Why don’t you give it a try Sooz, but write something funny and entertaining.” I thought what the Hell, what did I have to lose. I started my blog a couple of years ago and since then have never looked back.

The interaction with REAL people here was a godsend. People read me and PRETENDED to LIKE what I wrote so I just couldn’t stop. I have written here ever since. I write to relieve the trials and tribulations of the day and to help put my mind at ease. I enjoy humor writing, NOT because I wanna be a comedian, but because it helps lift MY spirits and hopefully does others also.
The benefit to ME has been amazing. I have come out of my shell a little and have made some great long term friends. Well Scarlett…Does that answer the question? It was a great topic and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to get involved.
Until Later…

Airport “Patdown”

 

I do a lot of traveling, it’s part of the job. Occasionally, even though I don’t USUALLY look like a terriorist, I will get asked to step aside and undergo a thorough pat down security check.

Now I don’t mind because I would rather have them be a little too aggressive than not, BUT, sometimes they are just a little TOO thorough.
For those of you have never gone through one, it usually goes like this. They ask you to step aside for the pat down and then will call for a female or male “patter” depending on your gender. Since I have boobs, they call the female patter over to examine me.

Usually these women are all business. I mean they look like they have played as line blockers for the Arizona Cardinals. They are big, mean looking, and appear as though if you give them ANY lip they will knock you into next Thursday. They even have name tags like…Mean Bertha Green, or, Killer Caroline. NO WAY am I ever messing with them.

They list the 10 commandments of what they are gonna feel, grope, and pat, and then they begin. Now remember…EVERYONE in line is getting  a free show here. First they make you raise your hands so they can feel pat down your boobs. Something about this process is embarrassing YET, for ME, a little exciting. Sometimes I actually yearn for a little extra pat down there JUST to be sure I am not harboring any weapons of mass destruction around my boobs.
Next…On to my ass. Did I mention that they wear rubber gloves like a Dr. who gives you a Gynecological exam? This part is a little uncomfortable because, well…It involves my ass. Don’t get me wrong. I like having MY ass fondled as much as the next gal but they could at least get me drunk first. Around the ass they go searching for knives, bombs, sledge hammers or even Uzzis’. Now just as an aside TSA…I would NEVER carry my Uzzi up my ass…The damn GRIP part keeps hanging out and they’d catch me in a red hot second. OK…No weapons there folks…Let’s check her Couchie Coo…

This usually involves spreading your legs so they can “CAREFULLY” examine your reproductive parts for contraband. You know, like fruits, vegetables, or perhaps pet monkeys that have been snuck back up your crotch from Hong Kong that you didn’t declare. Damn!!! They FOUND the pet monkey, just can’t trust those things to keep still…Finally…After they have completely examined me and given me a clean bill of health, I am on my way.

All I’m saying here is that I understand WHY they do it, I just wish it was done a little quicker and with a little more finesse. Oh sure, I could have had a private screening in a separate room, away from the other airport passengers, BUT, THEN I would be in a room with 50 camera’s all around while the entire dept. Of TSA is looking at my crotch.

I’m all for a good time folks, all I’m askin’ for is a little common sense. Thanks for listening…Muah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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I have a problem. I am a Premature-ejaculator. I have had this problem for years and it is VERY embarrassing. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and every time we make love, I “spill” the milk before I am supposed to.

My girlfriend has been understanding about all of this but would obviously like the problem rectified. I have been to my Urologist and he has made some suggestions but they haven’t seemed to work.

I know you are not a Dr. Sooz but you ARE somewhat of a sex expert and anything you could do to help me would be greatly appreciated.

Spilling the Beans

 

Dear Spilling:

First of all, thank you for that GLOWING comment about me being a sex expert, (Flips red hair from side to side and smiles). Tell me…At the risk of being RUDE, do you watch a lot of porn? If you do, ease off. The more porn you watch and then ejaculate, the more you are contributing to your problem.

Here are a couple of things that you could try that should help. The next time you make love, when you feel like you are going to “Go for the Gold”, STOP… That’s right, completely stop for a minute and relax. When the feeling passes, start again and do the same thing. I suggest trying this 3 or 4 times before you let Mr. Happy spray a volcano.

You could also try a “Mr. Happy Ring”, OK; they are not actually CALLED Mr. Happy rings, but the man or woman at the store will know what you are talking about. These can be purchased at any sex store and should help you once fully erect, last longer.

A third suggestion would be to masturbate ahead of time. This will slow down the NEED for ejaculation when you are making love. I hope this has helped you but remember, Practice…Practice….Practice. Good Luck…