Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

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Once upon a time in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful girl named Sooz with absolutely GORGEOUS red hair. Hey…It’s MY story, I can name the freakin’ characters whatever the HELL I wannna. Also in this tale, there lived three Gorillas, a Big Gorilla, (The Daddy), a medium sized gorilla, (The Mommy), and a baby gorilla, who they named…Wait for it…The BABY…

Now the Gorillas lived a simple life, quietly eating their famous gorilla stew, watching King Kong, (What did you EXPECT??? LASSIE???), and playfully picked the fleas off of each other’s PRIVATE and delicate areas.

One day, Sooz decided to go for a walk. She HATED any kind of formulated exercise so she figured a walk would be just as good to help her keep her goddess like figure…(TOO MUCH HERE)??? She was walking through the Jungle, minding her own business, when all of a sudden; she saw a cabin in the clearing.

Starving now, she had hoped that there might be a friendly neighbor who would invite her in and feed her a sumptuous lunch. She approached the door and banged handily. No answer. She tried again but STILL no response. Assuming that no one was home, she decided to go in and see if they had any food.

***Note:***—This was Fairy Tale Land so there were NO breaking and entering laws back then.—

She entered the cabin, and on the table, she saw 3 delicious looking bowls of Gorilla stew. She was famished, so she sat down and devoured that stew like she was at a Fairy Tale Fair, as a contestant at a gorilla stew eating contest. Hey…They can’t ALL be funny ya know…Just sayin’.

 By the time she was done, she was exhausted so she decided to take a nap. She saw three beds and decided to try them all out. The first bed was Waaaaay to big so she tried out the other two and decided to sleep on baby gorilla’s bed.

Well, she was a sleepin’ and a snorin’ when the gorilla family returned from their daily game of Squash. Papa gorilla looking at the table said, “Who the F**CK ate all of our stew?” Mamma gorilla and baby were ALSO incensed so they decided to search the cabin. Finding that ALL of their beds had been slept in, baby gorilla spots Sooz and let’s out a gorilla roar, or growl, or whatever it is that gorillas do.

Sooz, awakened with a start, runs toward the front door to get outta Dodge. Too late though as they all corner her, tear her to shreds, and make gorilla stew outta Sooz’s body…

Moral: If you’re gonna break into someone’s house, you better get the HELL outta there before the residents come home.

Note: This story is in NO WAY relates to Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I used Gorillas here people and stew instead of porridge. PLUS…Sooz was a LOT prettier than that scrawny looking blond Ho. So NO copy write infringement applies according to my attorney…

Until Later…

 

 

8 thoughts on “Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

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