Airport “Patdown”

 

I do a lot of traveling, it’s part of the job. Occasionally, even though I don’t USUALLY look like a terriorist, I will get asked to step aside and undergo a thorough pat down security check.

Now I don’t mind because I would rather have them be a little too aggressive than not, BUT, sometimes they are just a little TOO thorough.
For those of you have never gone through one, it usually goes like this. They ask you to step aside for the pat down and then will call for a female or male “patter” depending on your gender. Since I have boobs, they call the female patter over to examine me.

Usually these women are all business. I mean they look like they have played as line blockers for the Arizona Cardinals. They are big, mean looking, and appear as though if you give them ANY lip they will knock you into next Thursday. They even have name tags like…Mean Bertha Green, or, Killer Caroline. NO WAY am I ever messing with them.

They list the 10 commandments of what they are gonna feel, grope, and pat, and then they begin. Now remember…EVERYONE in line is getting  a free show here. First they make you raise your hands so they can feel pat down your boobs. Something about this process is embarrassing YET, for ME, a little exciting. Sometimes I actually yearn for a little extra pat down there JUST to be sure I am not harboring any weapons of mass destruction around my boobs.
Next…On to my ass. Did I mention that they wear rubber gloves like a Dr. who gives you a Gynecological exam? This part is a little uncomfortable because, well…It involves my ass. Don’t get me wrong. I like having MY ass fondled as much as the next gal but they could at least get me drunk first. Around the ass they go searching for knives, bombs, sledge hammers or even Uzzis’. Now just as an aside TSA…I would NEVER carry my Uzzi up my ass…The damn GRIP part keeps hanging out and they’d catch me in a red hot second. OK…No weapons there folks…Let’s check her Couchie Coo…

This usually involves spreading your legs so they can “CAREFULLY” examine your reproductive parts for contraband. You know, like fruits, vegetables, or perhaps pet monkeys that have been snuck back up your crotch from Hong Kong that you didn’t declare. Damn!!! They FOUND the pet monkey, just can’t trust those things to keep still…Finally…After they have completely examined me and given me a clean bill of health, I am on my way.

All I’m saying here is that I understand WHY they do it, I just wish it was done a little quicker and with a little more finesse. Oh sure, I could have had a private screening in a separate room, away from the other airport passengers, BUT, THEN I would be in a room with 50 camera’s all around while the entire dept. Of TSA is looking at my crotch.

I’m all for a good time folks, all I’m askin’ for is a little common sense. Thanks for listening…Muah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until Later…