Sooz Interviews Santa

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I just happened to be in the North Pole with my crew the other day, so I wanted to see if I could get an interview with Santa. Luckily, the Jolly old fellow was gracious enough to grant me a few minutes for the world to read. Enjoy!!!

Sooz:   “ So Santa…How long have you been AT this game?”

Santa:   “Well Sooz, I’ve been doing this gig ever since the phrase Peace on Earth and good will to men were first coined. Ya see, the people at the time, needed someone who could carry that message across the world and well, after an all-out search, they chose ME.”

Sooz:   “People wanna know Santa, do you have any children, and IF so…How many?”

Santa:  “Sooz, I usually don’t get into my personal affairs, but for YOU, I will…As of last Tuesday, We have 942 beautiful little Elves and still going strong.”

Sooz:   “WOW!!!  That’s a whole lotta kids Chris, when do you have TIME to eat, make toys, and sleep?”

Santa:   “Mrs. Clause is a GREAT cook, plus all those damn servings of milk and cookies don’t help my weight problem either. The Elves make all the toys, I just inspect them first to make sure that no one is BUYING anything on line. Every once in a while I find the “Made in China: labels on them but usually they’re from my youngest kids.”

Sooz:    “How long does it TAKE to make enough toys for 7 billion people?”

Santa:   “Well Sooz, we primarily make toys for the kiddies and there are only 2 billion of those, (Look it up)… Although we DO honor special requests for adults.    

Sooz:    “Special requests would be like WHAT Santa?”

Santa:   “Ohhh…Extra wine for the homeless to help keep them warm, play toys for those poor sexually deprived women out there who aren’t ‘getting any’, and even extra blankets for those married folks whose spouses steal all their covers at night.”

Sooz:   “Just one more question Santa, “Does your chewing gum lose it’s flavor on the bed post over night?”

Santa:  “Oh Sooz…You ARE a kidder aren’t you…Ho Ho Ho…Please tell everyone that I will be by their homes soon so they better be good…OR… At LEAST, Good at it…Ho Ho Ho…

Merry Christmas…

 

 

 

 

What Does Christmas Mean to you

I’m sitting outside on my patio in this wonderful 70 degree weather, and with Christmas right around the corner, I am contemplting what it means to me.

Like many of you, I have pushed through the crowds of people, hunted
myself silly when I had lights go out on my tree. I have found out from experience, however, that cursing in and of itself does NOT rejuvinate those pesky lights. For THAT, you need alcohol.

Let’s see, where was I??? Oh yeah, what Christmas means to me. Did I mention all those pesky relatives that crawl out of the woodwork only on Christmas? I swear, they’re like roaches hiding in remote places until you invite them over for dinner and presents…Oh yeah, what Xmas means to me.

Seriously though, xmas time is a very special time of year. It is a time where I start looking inward and realize that I should indeed give thanks for my great bounty. Yes, of COURSE I do that on Thanksgiving also, just a different set of circumstances.

Remember our fellow man, donate a Turkey or some canned goods to the food bank, maybe an extra donation of clothing at the Salvation army, or even just give someone WITHOUT a smile during this time, YOURS.

To me,  the Christmas Season is one selfless giving and love. I wanna take this opportunity to wish all of you who celebrate in the Season a very peaceful and loving Holiday. God Bless to all of you and yours.

Merry Christmas

Just Ask Sooz, the Christmas Elf

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Dear Sooz:

Rudolph here…Yeah, the Reindeer. As you must realize, this is my busiest season. While flying through the sky, travelling over 6 million miles, and landing on too many rooftops to count is fun, it STILL takes its toll. I’m exhausted.

Here’s the rub, Santa doesn’t care. It’s RIGHT back to the routine again the next day. Flying practice, teaching the young to be good reindeer, mating, and then those damn Reindeer games, don’t get me started.

I mean the Elfs all get a week off, why can’t we? Look, we ALL have our faults Sooz, I get it, but Why on God’s green Earth does Santa have to be such a F**KING slave driver? Don’t get me wrong, the guy is Merry, laughs like a bowl full of jelly, and Ho Ho Ho’s with the BEST of ‘em, he just doesn’t see the need for us to get a little break and have some DOWN time once in a while.

All of us feel the same way, Donner, Blitzen, etc., we’re just too afraid to confront the old boy. We’re afraid he might just get pissed off, open that Jug which keeps his nose continuously red, and tell us all to F**K Off, we’re fired. Any magical thoughts on the subject that might help our plight Sooz?

Wrecked Up Rudolph

 

Dear Wrecked Up Rudolph:

Yikes!!! Had no idea Santa was such a slave driver? OK…Here’s what you do. You and the other Reindeer invite Santa out to the Pub for a few “SODAS” one night soon. Get him good and liquored up, you know, when he’s REALLY happy and starts spouting off the Ho Ho Ho’s, and then just address your concerns straight out.

Explain to him that you guys have been doing this for hundreds of years now and that you’re NOT getting any younger. Let him know how much you respect him and the Mrs. and while you LOVE your job, you just need a little break.

I believe in doing it this way he will see your point of view and give you guys the time off. If NOT, tell him to “GO TO HELL”…Disneyland is ALWAYS looking for flying Reindeer. Good Luck…

 

 

The Holiday Season…Ya Gotta Love It

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So, Black Friday has past, the Holiday Season has officially begun, and the madness has begun to creep into all of our brains. “Madness??? What??? You must be mistaken Sooz, the Holiday Season is a time for Joy, Camaraderie, Togetherness, and sheds Peace onto all men.”

OK…Don’t get me wrong, I’m all FOR that Peace, Joy and Camaraderie stuff, I’m referring to the slightly above average nerve jangling you get from all the Holiday “Get it all DONE” routine. You know, like fighting the crowds, setting up all the lights, cursing at the people in the parking lot who JUST took your space after you’ve had your blinker on WAITING for it for at least a half hour…GRRRRRRRRRRRR…..OK…I’m calm now…..MMMMMMMMMM(Hums)…

It just seems to me that the Spirit is dampened by all this Hull a Baloo. Why can’t the Holidays just be simple? You know, have friends over, get drunk, have sex all night, and then open some “OTHER” presents in the morning. I mean, doesn’t THAT sound more GIVING to you?

But Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have to get going RIGHT after we’ve had our third piece of pie, brace ourselves for the weather, (OK…It isn’t BAD here but STILL, it IS in other places), get into our cars, and fight the horrendous traffic jams so we make sure we get that DOOR BUSTER SPECIAL. By the way, even after doing all this, I STILL didn’t get that damned DOOR BUSTER SPECIAL. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then there’s the Holiday cleaning and cleaning, followed only by the cooking and cooking…THEN…MORE cleaning….Yikes!!! It’ only December 3rd. and I’m POOPED already. Somebody just SHOOT me now…

 OK…Here is what I’m gonna do, EVERYBODY is invited over to MY house for Christmas this year. The thing is…You have to be willing to just come over, get drunk with me and have sex all night, THEN, hand out a couple of Walmart specials the next day. I was gonna give you the DOOR BUSTER SPECIAL but… Well, You know…

Until Later…      

The Night Before Christmas Parody

 

I wrote this last year but I liked it so much I thought I would re post it. I hope you enjoy it.

 

 

 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

 

 

Not a creature was stirring except for a couple of rats in my walls and the bat which came down my chimney.

 

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but NOT carefully enough because the long assed stockings caught fire and nearly burned down my mantle.

 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, at least THIS is what the parents thought. The crafty little bastards were already stealthily searching the house for their presents.

 

And mamma in her kerchief, and me in my hat, were drunk as a skunk and ready for a nap.

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed and called the cops. Hey…I’m trying to sleep here.

 

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and dropped all my Hash.

 

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow seemed to rise and to fall like freshly baked dough. Hey…They can’t ALL be funny…Give me a freakin’ break will ya??????

 

When what to my wondering eyes should appear a HUGE ass sleigh and eight big as elephants Reindeer. I quit drinking Scotch shortly after that.

 

With a little old driver so lively and quick, I saw Santa Clause; the booze had done its trick.

 

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

 

:Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.” Hearing this I shouted out WTF!!!

 

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, (???), when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. (SERIOUSLY????) So up to the housetop, the coursers they flew, (Why didn’t they just call them the f**king Reindeer?),with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

 

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. I hope that red suited old man doesn’t expect ME to clean up that Reindeer Poop on the roof.

 

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He ruined my WHOLE freakin’ chimney too that fat bastard.

 

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet, (Sale on at Macy’s), and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Serves the A hole right for comin’ don my chimney.

 

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And I thought…GREAT…This guy stole from the Toys for Tots shelter.

 

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cheery. No WONDER… His breath smelled like he had just come from a major WINE tasting Vineyard.

 

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. I think he colors it…

 

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. OK…I’m being KIND here…The guy HAD to weigh in at over 500 lbs.

 

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (I never KNEW that Santa WAS an elf), and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

 

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, he scared the livin’ bejesus out of me, kinda like the exorcist. Oh wait…This doesn’t rhyme…Oh well…!?!

 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the remaining BURNT stockings then turned with a jerk.

 

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he picked out the booger and up the chimney he rose.

 

He staggered to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

 

But I heard him explain, as he drove out of sight, “DON’T tell anyone and have a good night.

 

Happy Christmas!!!

 

Until Later…

A Gift of Love

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The Christmas season for me has always been one about giving and helping those less fortunate than others. I owe this warm feeling to my father, who was a shining light in helping me understand the true meaning of the Season.

Since my father’s tragic passing, there have been many times I have just wanted to give up, step off the world, and let OTHERS share in the joy. This would have been an easy thing to do had it not been for one particular moment in time where my father taught me the True meaning of Christmas.

When I was about 5, my father decided to take me Christmas shopping with him. I absolutely adored my father so for ME, this was indeed a treat. I remember shopping that day, buying lots of presents, and even making a stop by to see Santa Clause in the Mall…(YES…They HAD Malls then…Gheese).

Afterwards, I asked my father, ”Daddy, are we gonna put ALL these presents under the tree?” He said, “No Sooz, these are for those in the homeless shelter who don’t GET any presents for the Holidays. Always remember pumpkin, it’s better to GIVE than receive. THAT’S the TRUE spirit of the Season.”

We got in the car and drove to what he explained to me was a homeless shelter, where people who didn’t have families like we did went because they had no jobs, no homes, and nothing to eat on a regular basis.

He explained to me that by giving to others and helping them, we in turn would someday be rewarded. We arrived at the shelter and was met there by a very nice man. He helped us unload the presents, and asked if we were going to stay and help feed the hungry.

My father with a big grin on his face said sure and asked if I could help. Absolutely said the man, we’ll put her on roll duty. And so it was, person after person came through our line being fed Turkey, corn, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and of course ROLLS.

It seemed as though each person had a huge smile on their face after coming through the line. It gave me the warmest feeling in my soul that day to see those who were hungry, and in need, eat till their hearts content. The presents afterwards were given out by Santa and the smiles on their faces I shall NEVER forget.

I’ve been through some pretty rough times myself since that day, BUT, whenever I feel like I just wanna give up and chuck it all, I think back to that time and everything changes.

Today, I have been fortunate enough to do the same thing as my father did those many years ago. The feeling is STILL incredible and the Love I was taught that day was never forgotten…Thank you Daddy…

Merry Christmas…