A Letter to Justin Bieber

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Dear Mr. Bieber:

I am writing to you today NOT as a fan but as a concerned citizen. Let me just say that your behavior as of late leaves something to be greatly desired.  While I understand that you are a HUGE pop star with millions and millions of dollars, I find that your talent seems to match your outrageous behavior.

Justin, here’s the thing, having millions of dollars and being loved by 13 year girls does NOT give you the right to just do ANYTHING you want. Remember, you are a Public figure now and millions of screaming, snot nosed, pre-pubescent teenagers look up to you as a role model.

In my opinion, you are severely letting them down by your outrageous behavior. Yes, I know that you yourself are only 19 and still getting the feel for the world, but Justin, as a role model now, you have to WATCH WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE DOING!!!

Your drinking, smoking weed, fighting with photographers and the police, and drag racing Lamborghinis is something we do NOT want to encourage in our young. I wish there was a way like a driver’s license we could suspend your career until you straightened up or at least turned 42. Maybe if we could do this it would help you realize the error of your ways.

Now, you might ask me, “Haven’t YOU ever done anything wrong?”, and the answer of course would be SURE. The DIFFERENCE is that I am not being looked up to as a role model. With popularity comes responsibility.

I sincerely hope you read this and take my advice which is: Quit the music industry, straighten up and become the farm boy that you were always destined to be…I look forward to seeing how your sentencing hearing turns out. I can only hope they throw the book at you and send you to a prison with Bubba for a while. By DOING this, I feel you will come out a much more respectful individual…

Thank you for your kind attention…

Sooz

 

 

 

 

Funny Things to Say on a Valentine’s Card

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May all of your wishes…I mean…May the winds of… No that isn’t it… May your life be filled…DAMN… Oh HELL…Happy Valentine’s Day.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Daisies are white, and my Valentine’s Day card is red too…Huh!!! Go figure…

May all of your hopes and all of your dreams be better realized, on your MISTRESS you Jerk!!! Happy Valentine’s Day…

This Valentine’s Day I’m buying something you’ve ALWAYS wanted…Batteries for your Dildo…Enjoy!!!

It’s not the GIFT that counts, it’s the THOUGHT. So…I have NO gift BUT…I have GREAT thoughts for later tonight…**SMILE** Happy Valentine’s Day…

Valentine’s Day is like eating a bowl of cherries, the FIRST one is great,but after a while, they all go sour…

Valentine’s Day is my FAVORITE Holiday, right after Christmas, the fourth of July, Easter, Dingus Day, New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, The Ides of March, April Fool’s Day, May Day, Labor Day, Halloween, Arbor Day, Tuesday, and my dog’s birthday. Happy Valentine’s Day…

Valentine’s Day is the day of Love…That’s why I’m LEAVING you cold hearted BITCH!!! Happy Valentine’s Day.

For Valentine’s Day I wanted to give you my Heart…Then, I realized I NEEDED it so I sole a Cadavers for you…Happy Valentine’s Day…

This Valentine’s Day I want you to have the BEST sex ever…Too bad that you’re in Prison and will be getting it from Bubba…Happy Valentine’s Day…

 

 

 

 

 

Ten Things NOT To Do In a Blizzard

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1.        Have a Lemonade stand

2.        Run naked around the neighborhood

3.        Try and find your Polar Bear

4.        Tell your husband, “Sure you can drive Harry; it’s just a passing thing.”

5.        If you DO look for your Polar Bear, You’ve FOUND him when the snow turns RED!!!

6.        Dance around doing a rain dance, it’s 20 below out duffas, you’re creating more SNOW!!!

7.        Cry out during a white-out, “Hey, I’m over HERE!!!”

8.        Walk to the store for milk and eggs just to get outta the house.

9.        Driving your snowmobile thinking I CAN get to my lovers house for some action.

10.      Call your friends to invite them over for a Blizzard party. Hint: No one will COME!!! Deal with it…

 

Valentine’s Day Shmalantine’s Day

 

YES!!! I know I’m already writing about Valentine’s Day and it’s ONLY the 29th. of January. I figured I would get a jump on it like Target and all the other stores. I mean what GOOD is it if you can’t buy your candy and roses two weeks ahead of time and then give them to your sweetie on Valentine’s Day?

 

Sure, the roses will be all withered and about dead, and the candy will be stale BUT…You will HAVE something for your significant other. Isn’t THAT really the point to this whole Holiday?

 

Let’s be honest here, Men will wait until the day before or the day OF and then go out and get something for us that is supposed to be heartfelt and all gooey romantic…BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! One year when I was in a short term relationship and all I got was some bath salts from the freakin’ drugstore…SERIOUSLY???

 

I know what some of you are thinking…”Well Sooz, it’s the THOUGHT, not the actual gift that counts.” To THAT I say GOBBLESPLAT… ( Made up word, it just sounded funny). Usually, be honest here guys, you are JUST doing it so you can get a little action that night.

 

Look, I’m not saying that our guys don’t CARE for us, all I’m saying is that they don’t even THINK of us until the TV starts flooding the screen with ads about it; THEN, they HAVE to go out and get something to keep them in the running for Nookie that night.

 

How about this guys…Make us dinner with candlelight, do the dishes for us, tell us we are the most important thing in your world, THIS is what we’re looking for, the ROMANTIC gesture. Sure, roses and candy are nice, BUT, it doesn’t really show your romantic side.

 

This year how about all of you step up, make us FEEL like we are special; take a nice bath with us, TALK to us, let us know that you truly love us, if you do this, we will feel good about ourselves and the Nookie will be a shoe in…

 

Ohhh….For those of you like ME that may not have a significant other, do what I do, PAMPER yourself, get good and drunk, and fall asleep in the bathtub…

 

Until Later…

 

How I Find Blogging Ideas

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 Finding Blog ideas for me is easy…I STEAL them…No, I’m just kidding, but occasionally I will read someone else’s blog, or a story in the paper, and a light just goes off in my head that says….Hmmmmm…That would be a great Blog idea.

Now, this isn’t ALWAYS the case, sometimes I will just stare at the computer, talk to myself, eat, drink, pee, and then back to the computer to stare. Hey, I’ve even been known to fall asleep just sitting there trying to think of ideas.

For many of my Blogs I just use stuff that happens to me in real life. I’ve always heard that “true humor” IS in real life, and you know what…It’s true. Just pick something that either you have either done, or know someone who has done something silly and then just write about it.

Personally, I like to keep my Blogs light. Many folks write about dark or depressing material, and that’s OK for A Blog, But…I would suggest not making a regular diet of these subjects. People usually like to read Blogs that are either light OR that just have great subject matter that will be interesting to a large audience.

Other great ways to find ideas are to write about either “How To” type Blogs or Top ten lists. People eat these up. Everyone loves finding out “How To” do something or read a comedic top 10 list. I’ve read many “How To” Blogs and have learned quite a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I still can’t DO any of them, but, I still LOVE reading those Blogs.

Other topics that people tend to follow are health Blogs. By this I mean how to GET and stay healthy. If you don’t believe it, just go to ANY bookstore and see how large the section on this is. This topic is Global so once you start writing these; you tend to have an audience for life.

No matter WHAT topic you choose, ALWAYS use a good title for your piece.  Usually, the catchier the title, the more people you will draw to your blog. The most important part of Blogging though is to just be yourself. If you do, your personality will show and people will be drawn to your Blog. Have fun and just enjoy the writing, if you use some of these ides, you WILL become a successful Blogger. Good luck.

Sooz’s Funny Quotes

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To err is Human…To forgive, depends on what the HELL you did…

 

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln… That’s why I RECORD everything!!! Hehehehe…

 

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice…. Bill Cosby… Why are you *LOOKING* at me that way???

 

Dedicated to ALL women: Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey…And RIGHTLY so!!!!

 

My Motto: “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White….Such GREAT advice!!!!!

 

 

“A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.” Alexander Hamilton**** Usually because they have an IQ of 22…Obviously they don’t LEARN from their mistakes….

 

 

If at first you don’t succeed, get a sugar Daddy…Just sayin’

 

““Never do today what you can as well do tomorrow, because something may occur to make you regret your premature action” Aaron Burr…..THIS FROM THE GUY WHO SHOT HAMILTON…YIKES!!!

 

Just Ask Sooz

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a little embarrassed as I write this. About 8 months ago I went to my 10th high school reunion. My husband didn’t want to go so he said “Go and have a good time”. These were famous last words.
Now Sooz, I was never a ravishing, popular,  cheerleader type in high school, although I wasn’t a wall flower either. When I got there I saw many of my old friends. One of these was Nancy who always used to hang out with me.

 

I hadn’t seen her in years and I found out that she wasn’t married and had a wonderful job as an editor for a major publishing house. Well, We got to talking, drinking, laughing, and just had a wonderful time.  Here’s the problem, both of us got very drunk and when we were leaving, Nancy said what a wonderful time she had and then leaned in and gave me a sensuous kiss. She said, “We should get together for lunch sometime.”

 

Not giving it a second thought, I said, “sure” and got her number. Therein started the problem. We met for lunch a week later and she explained that she had always had a crush on me. I was dumbfounded but felt good about it at the same time.

 

Nancy kept brushing against my hand through lunch but I thought nothing of it.. After lunch, she invited me back to her place to see her house. I said sure so we went back to her house.
Sooz, we had a few drinks, and Nancy once again leaned in and kissed me. This time I kissed her back and then things started to heat up from there. Two hours later, I made my apologies, got dressed, and headed for home.

 

I felt so guilty. I wondered if secretly I was a Lesbian. Nancy has been calling me to do things but I am afraid that I will get caught up in her web and repeat what happened before. How can I keep her as a friend but stay away from the sex part?
I really need your help here.

Conflicted Kathy

Dear Conflicted:

It sounds like the drinking may have had a lot to do with it. Does this mean you’re a Lesbian…No! You MAY have Lesbian tendencies or possibly even be Bi-Sexual but, you can’t really tell by just one encounter, especially if you are happy with your husband.

I really don’t see a way to save your friendship with her. You admitted that she has always had a crush on you and clearly enough, Nancy IS a Lesbian. I recommend that you call her and j say that you made a mistake and that you can not risk losing your family.
Explain that what you had was fun but that it can’t happen again. Wish her well and then bid her good-by. I sincerely hope this works out for you.

Humorous survey

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I have to admit, I liked these questions so much I just had to steal the Survey from another blogger. The ANSWERS however are totally MINE…Enjoy!!!

1. I’m not easily bothered by things.  

* THINGS usually don’t bother me; it’s the PEOPLE I can’t stand. 

 

 

2. I make friends easily.

 

* Hey…When you’re as horny as me you tend to make “friends VERY fast.

 

 

 

3. I do just enough work to get by.

 

* I’m a mover and a shaker, I move furniture on the weekends and I SHAKE my ass whenever I can….Ohhh Come on…It’s a JOKE…LAUGH!!! 

 

 

4. I respect others.

 

* Just as long as I get paid…

 

 

 

5. I’m not very interested in abstract ideas.

 

* Abstract ideas are fine, abstract PEOPLE…Not so much. 

 

6. I dislike myself.

 

* Only when I’ve been drinking…Gheese!!!

 

7. I make plans and stick to them.

 

* Usually I remove the double sided tape so I DON’T stick to them…

 

8. I tend to vote for liberal political candidates.

 

I tend to vote for MYSELF!!! I am just Soooooooooo the BEST person to run…

 

9. I would describe my life’s experience as somewhat dull.

* Life’s experiences…VERY dull…Oh wait, you mean MY life experiences…Well I would have to say as best I remember…HELL NO!!!

 

 

10. I regularly insult others.

 

* Only when I open my MOUTH!!!

 

11. I have a vivid imagination.

 

* Mine is SO vivid, I see flying pigs sometimes and pink elephants. How’s THAT for imagination???

 

13. I am the life of the party.

 

* Yup!!! I’m always the one with the lampshade on my head or passed out naked somewhere…

 

14. I feel blue or depressed.

 

* Rarely Blue…Red, pink and fuchsia usually

 

15. I have a sharp tongue.

 

* Nah!!! I think it’s softer and more round…Definitely no Ginsu knife…

 

16. I don’t care much for art.

 

* Only if it’s of male or female nudes…You can KEEP that fruit in a bowl drivel…

 

17. I don’t talk a lot.

 

* Define a lot. Like someone who filibusters on the floor of Congress or like Marcel Marisol?

 

19. I accept people as they are.

 

* Absolutely!!! Just as long as they think the same way as ME!!!

 

20. I enjoy hearing new ideas.

 

* I enjoy HEARING new ideas, AND THEN…I use my OWN!!!

 

21. I avoid philosophical discussions.

* Like the PLAGUE!!! I mean their Philosophical…There IS no RIGHT answer…What’s the point???

 

 

27. I panic easily.

 

* Nope!!! I make OTHERS panic…

 

28. I get back at others.

 

* Let’s just say…Don’t CROSS me…

 

32. I believe others generally have good intentions.

 

* Yup…Unless they try and take me to bed…Oh come on…You SAW that one coming didn’t you???

 

34. I often have frequent mood swings

 

* Only during my period and Mondays through Sundays.

 

 

 

35. I like to keep in the background.

 

* Yup…Especially if I am doing something illegal… Just kidding…I have NEVER done anything illegal…Looks the other way…

 

 

 

 

 

What She Says VS What He Hears

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Relationships are complicated; they are filled with the ups and downs of everyday life, so how in HELL do we survive them? The answer IS….Who the Hell knows, if I did, I’d me married now with about 21 kids.

I have been in several relationships over my 41 years and I must say I THINK I have figured it out. What *I* SAY is NOT what he HEARS. It’s TRUE; it reminds me of the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I’ll give you a few examples:

Women: “Let’s go out to dinner tonight”.

Men:    “Oh GOOD, she wants to get drunk so I can have my way with her.”

Women: “You look nice in those Jeans.”

Men:     “Soooo, You wanna see more of my manhood eh?”

Women:  “Isn’t the fire romantic?”

Men:      “She’s got the HOTS for me, I’m gonna get LUCKY tonight.”

 

Obviously, there some OTHER little ditties also like:

 

Women:   “Will you take out the trash please?”

Men:       “If I do this for YOU, will I get some ACTION later?”

                                       OR        

Women:    “I’m not feeling well, I’m gonna lay down.”

Men:        “Let me lay down WITH you, MAYBE I can arouse her.”

Now, obviously these have all been pretty much about how men want Sex. Well…The truth IS…THEY DO!!! Their minds are wired to procreate, just as OURS are to buy new shoes weekly (OK, That’s just me but I’m sure there are others out there who do the same thing).

Am I saying that wanting Sex all the time is a BAD thing? No, all I am saying is that WE are wired differently. When we say we’re TIRED, USUALLY, it MEANS we’re tired. It does NOT mean that we want you fiddling around with our Lady parts while we’re sleeping.

Will this difference in the way Men and Women think ever change, probably not; all we ask is that you be a little more sensitive towards our feelings. If you ARE, you JUST might be rewarded handsomely…

Until Later…

 

Mental Test

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There are 4 questions:

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

 

 

 

 

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..

 
3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals 
attend …. Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. 
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Haven’t you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of people over 30 that they tested got all the questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most people do not have the brains of a four-year-old. 

 

 

 

 

  

  

 

 

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