From The Apples Point of View

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Hi there, I’m an apple. Yup you heard me just fine; I’m an apple sitting on the grocery store’s display. Today I’m going to give you folks a look at MY day here in the store.

Don’t get me wrong, the stores OK I guess, although I would MUCH rather be back on my nice cozy tree suckin’ up sunshine. Here in the store, the stock boys wake our asses up waaaaaaaaaaaay to early.

 Every morning they come by and with their freezin’ cold hands, cold as a witch’s tit, they pick us up, and stack us to look real purdy for our customers. Sometimes, they even spray a little water on us to shine us up better. I gotta tell ya, taking a shower like that in front of several of the OTHER apples is real embarrassin’.

The next part is tough…The Waitin’. Look, we all know that were gonna be eaten or used in cookin’, we’ve all come to terms with that, it’s just that it doesn’t make it any easier for us to accept. It’s like a man in jail waitin’ to be hanged or somethin’.

Anyway, the only GOOD thing about this day is sizin’ up all the customers that come by. Did you know that most people will pick up bananas or oranges before they even give US a look? That’s disheartening. I mean come ON people…WE’RE fruit too!!! Gheese…

People are weird looking things, some have big BUMPS in their chest and long hair while OTHERS have deep voices and hair on their face, I guess people call them beards. Personally, I like the ones who have what I think people call boobs, yeah…Their Niccccccccccce lookin’.

Usually, this group FEELS me up a lot to see just how plump and delicious I am. I Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike that!!! The guys of the specious are usually more harsh and just pick me up and THROW me into the cart.

Of course from there you KNOW what happens, I get eaten or cooked. Alas…The life of an apple. Well, it was good getting’ to know you folks and I’ll be seein’ ya in the stores…OR…on your plate…Hehehehe…

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

The Afterlife Ooooooooowww

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I read a writing prompt from Writers Digest with this topic and I thought…Hey…What the Hell…

People are always wondering about the afterlife right, IS there one, do we come back as animals, or insects, is there really BEER in Heaven, all these things that we NEED to know.

Well, I still can’t answer any of these questions, although I sincerely HOPE that there IS beer; I know….I know… the song says… In Heaven There Ain’t No Beer, but I’m still hopin’.  Anyway, I thought I would give you MY rendition of EXACTLY what happens once we cross over into that big scary beyond.

Now, of course for all you devoted Atheists out there this may be a boring read as you believe that NOTHING happens, you die, Batta Bing…Batta Boom…Finis… Well, I’m asking you to use your imagination as I am here and just play along with me.

So…here’s what I think happens. You “buy the farm”, (Gotta do that first right), and then you walk through a long ass tunnel with a light at the end of it ‘cause that’s what’s supposed to happen. NOPE…No  St. Peter or pearly gates, you get there and you’re welcomed by a guide, some think it’s your wife, husband, or significant other, but I think you are greeted by a more nondescript guide like Homer Simpson.

He takes you around showing you all the wonders of Heaven like the Spa, the Pool Room, the 18 Hole Golf course, tennis courts, the massive banquet hall, and THEN…he takes you to the bar. Oh YES!!! There IS alcohol in Heaven…Now of course if you DON’T drink, you can have any number of assorted sodas or Virgin beverages. OK….I KNOW what you’re thinking…Hey, you’re dead, you’re a spirit now, you don’t eat or drink…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While it’s true you don’t HAVE to eat or drink, if you enjoyed these pleasures in life, you can enjoy them in Heaven…So OWWWWW!!!!!

Next, he shows you to your quarters—WOW!!! A 15 bedroom suite, just in case you wanna have Angels over. I mean this place is opulent, crystal chandeliers, more bathrooms than you could EVER use, Gold appliances, and the finest crystal glasses and settings Angels could make…Did I mention servants…Oh yes, all the servants you have wait on you hand and foot. They are all the people who treated YOU mean in life. Ex. Your Mother-in-Law is the floor washer, your ex-wife or husband is the chauffeur, the people who never invited you over for New Year’s Eve, they’re your gardeners. This is THEIR HELL for eternity…SWEET!!!!!! Just shows ya that turn about is fair play…

I could go on and on here but it might get too long and boring after a while so I’ll leave you with this thought…”Now you know why people are just “DYING” to get here” …OK….I’ll stop now….

Until Later…

 

 

 

The Love Letter Every Gal Yearns to Receive

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Since I’m the one writing this, THIS letter will be to ME from my handsome and romantic Prince.

My Darling Sooz:

While we just parted not but an hour ago, I am no longer able to contain myself. Your beauty possesses my every thought, and the necessity to express my love has overcome my Human senses. I am but a humble servant in your love dearest, you command my heart, and have been forever embedded within my soul.

Your smile radiates like the sun itself, sending me into a hypnotic state so deep, not even the depths of the Oceans could compare. You have forever changed my life.

I cherish all there is about you, the smile that could silence a million fold;  those lips, red as Rubies, and luscious as the day is long, your eyes, Green as  Summer grass after being kissed by the morning dew, and fiery red locks that sets off a beauty possessed only by a goddess.

Saying I long to caress your velvet skin and kiss those silky lips doesn’t does NOT my rhetoric justice. I NEED to engulf you, I LUST for thy sweet countenance. Deny me not my love, for your love is like my bread of Life. I must possess it daily to satisfy my heart’s desire, and my body’s hunger.

Be gentle with me my love, I am but a man, a man who has lost his will to live without your attentiveness. Know that I love you beyond the stars, and that I patiently await for the time our souls may touch.

Your humble and loving servant,

Prince Charming

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Tell if Your Dog is Involved in a Sex Scandal

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It seems like in today’s day and age, there is just no getting around the latest SEX scandal. Ways to tell if you DOG is having a SEX scandal.

1.        The Hubris SMILE on his face.

2.        There is more of a spring in his step and his BARK is more confident

3.        You throw the ball and he basically looks at you and says, “ Go get it yourself asshole.”

4.        He SNEAKS around your back yard while YOU think he’s peeing.

5.        Instead of the ball, the ONLY thing he chases now are OTHER female dogs.

6.        His nap times seem be be longer AND he has a hint of cigarette smell.

7.        When he sleeps, he utters the sound Mmmmmmmmm instead of snoring…

8.        He walks around with a CONTINUOUS hard on…

9.        Your neighbor’s dog has been UNUSUALLY quiet lately.

1 0.     Your neighbor’s puppies look A LOT like your dog…

Stupid Things People Say

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Since I was a child I remember people saying things that I thought were either stupid, ambiguous, or Did I ALREADY say STUPID??? I’m kinda of in a crazy mood today so please excuse what you are about to read. The opinions expressed here are from my EVIL twin and do NOT, (necessarily), portray how the “GOOD” me, (YES!!! There IS one), really feels.

“You’re barn DOOR is open”…Seriously??? What the F**K does that even MEAN anyway??? Does that mean that you are considered a BARN and somewhere on your person you left the door open??? Or…Do you actually HAVE a barn and you left it open by mistake?

Of course we all know what it really means, but, why can’t we just come out and SAY it, like…”Hey Bucko…Your zipper is open and your DICK is hanging out, put it back in your pants before you start attracting flies.”

Another one that has always bothered me is, “Think before you speak.” DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK….OK… I realize that every once in a WHILE, someone just MIGHT say something that they didn’t think about first. Case in point…”Your mother wears Army boots.” What I always thought was funny about that is what IF the person’s mother really DID wear Army boots…Then what? You would have to come back with another quick one like, “Yeah well…She wears them on the wrong FEET!!!”

Look, I know we all speak out of turn sometimes, but do we really need a SAYING that reminds us to do this? I mean for the MOST part give us some freakin’ credit, I’m sure we USUALLY think before we just blabber off whatever happens to be in our heads at the time.

There are many of these sayings that bother me but the one that REALLY BOTHERS me on is this one, “Stick and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt me”. WHAT??? Physically no, but mentally sometimes being called things by people, (Especially your parents), may just scar you for life.

Come on here people…. Going forward, let’s just “Think before you speak, don’t worry about all those sticks and stones and oh…Your barn door is open”.

Until Later…

My Favorite Book

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 Since I wrote one of my funny experiences yesterday, I thought today, I would give you a little insight into Sooz the writer. If you read me, you’ll notice that my grammar and punctuation aren’t always the way your NORMAL writer would write.

Sometimes I put 3 periods after a few words followed by a capitol letter and another sentence. I seem to use the word I a lot, why…Because I WANT to. Oh…OK…Here’s another thing I do, CAPITALIZE words all over the place that shouldn’t be capitalized. I do this to EMPHASIZE the words I wanna say just like I am speaking directly TO you.

Now, is all of this a BAD thing…Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s just MY style of writing. I want you to feel like I am right there in your homes, sitting in your living rooms talking directly to YOU. I am trying to make you feel comfortable reading me and feel like you’ve known me all my life.

What’s THAT have to do with my favorite book, NOTHING…I just thought you might like to get to know me a little more intimately. I mean I would like to know more about all of YOU.

So anyway, my favorite book, well, actually I have two and they are both completely  opposites from each other. The first choice would have to be The Kama Sutra, What did you expect, Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Hey, it’s ME we’re talking about here, use your HEADS people!!!

My second all-time favorite though is The Giving Tree. I have loved this book and it’s wonderful message ever since I could read. I can NEVER get all the way through this book without crying at the end. The same is true for the Kama Sutra, except I am SMILING all the way through it.

For those of you who may have never read The Giving Tree, I suggest you do, it is simplistic in it’s writing yet packs a walloping message that all Human kind should adhere to. The book is by Shell Silverstein and can probably be found in the children’s section of the Library. I highly recommend it. It MAY just change your life and how you think; I know it certainly did mine. Talk to you all later…

 

If I Could Only Remember Where I Left My Pants

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If I Could Only Remember Where I Left My Pants

For those of you who read me, you know that on occasion, like Monday through Friday and SOMETIMES on the weekends (looks other way), I have a tendency to let’s just say get HAPPY…Sometimes I get SOOO happy, I forget what Happiness I had the night I was getting happy. Boy…THAT was a confusing sentence wasn’t it???

Anyway, since I’m going for the “cure”, I thought I would relate a sort of funny story that happened to me one night when I was in Vegas. This was ohhhh, about 3 years ago I think, I had had enough of the pressures of work and since I like to gamble, I decided I would go to Vegas.

I Love Vegas…Lights everywhere, wall to wall people, cheap food and all the free drinks you can swallow while playing in the Casinos. I usually stay at the Bellagio because I’m comped, so I packed my things, hopped on a plane and headed for Sin City…You KNOW why they call it Sin City don’t you…It’s because I’m there…Hehehe…

Well…I got there in the afternoon, checked it, and immediately went to the Black Jack table. I love Black Jack because it’s a game of percentages and I am ever so good with math…PLUS…I’m LUCKY!!! I sat down, put my chips on the table, ordered a Vodka Cranberry, and away I went.

I started this around 3PM and never left before Midnight. To say that I had had ONE too many would be an understatement, it was really about 8-10 too many. All I remember is riding some kind of Merry Go Round, (At least I THINK it was), and yelling out I’m WINNING…I’m WINNING…Things became a little fuzzy from there.

I remember meeting SOMEONE…Can’t remember whether they were male or female and I THINK I fell in the waters at the Bellagio ‘cause I remember (SORT of), saying Help me I’m drowning. Now remember, the actual water depth there is probably ONLY about 2 feet. I can’t really remember anything from that point on except waking up naked, in my bathroom, in the bathtub.

I got out of the bathtub, and on the mantle there was a note that read, “ Sooz…had a wonderful time last night, let’s do it again sometime.”, no name, no nothing. I went to the bedroom, looked for my clothes and NOTHING was there. No pants, no panties, no Bra…WTF??? Where were my clothes??? The only think I could THINK of was that this person wanted trophies…Yuck!!! Sicko!!!

The only other think I thought was funny, (BUT EMBARRASING), was when I went down to the Lobby to check out, the clerk said to me in a softened voice… “ Did you enjoy your SWIM”??? I turned BEET red and sheepishly check out to raise Hell another day…Yikes!!! Anybody wanna go to Vegas with me???

Until Later…

P.S. I have NO idea why this is so big…Yikes!!!

 

Giggle Time–Prickly Things

It was the coldest British winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves from each other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.
They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive..
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The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.
 
The moral of the story is: 
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Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

Giggle Time–Things to do When You’re Bored

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Hints on how to liven up your idle hours…

 
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
 
 
1.   At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars…watch ’em Slow Down!
 
 
2.   On all your cheque stubs, write   For   Marijuana’!  
 
 
 
3.   Skip down the street Rather Than Walk   and see how many looks you get.
 
 
4.   Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 
 
 
5.   Sing Along At The Opera.
  
 
6.   When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I      Won!’
 
 
7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling   ‘Run For Your Lives!  They’re Loose!’
 
 
8.   Tell Your Children over dinner:   ‘Due to the economy,   we are going to have to let one of you go…
 
 
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
 
 
9.   PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
 

A Letter to Myself From the Future

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Dear Sooz:

I am writing this letter with the hope that you will change your ways. Currently, I am living in an assisted living center in New York. At 75 years of age Sue, let me tell you, you have become a total wreck.

Gone are the days of wine, roses, and never ending sex. My brain has become a piece of mush; I was forced from my Upper East Side home, living once in the pinnacle of luxury, to the squalorish neighborhood I now reside filled with drugs, and the ever present smell of Urine.

The Midas Touch I once had is gone, squandered on gambling, drink, and sex. I write this to you hoping that you will indeed change the style of living you are now enjoying in excess. Dial it back to less partying, gambling, and intermittent sex with whomever you wish. Remember, your looks will NOT last forever, NOR will your brain if you continue along this path.

I ran into a friend of ours the other day, a Dr. Becca from DC, she has since retired of course and was here visiting our fair city while on vacation. She has remarried and now has 12 grandchildren. You and I on the other hand, have never married and have no children. Now living in Mexico, she has an estate where her children and some of her grandchildren live. They’re doing quite well.

Sooz, I don’t mean to scare you here, I’m just giving you a real look at what your life will be if you don’t make the necessary changes. Please Sooz, I beg you, currently, you are a successful, well off and happy person. Don’t let these vices bring you back into a world you dug so hard to get out of in the first place.

I love you my dear girl and would hate to think you will end up like me…Alone, penniless, and with nothing to live for. Take the necessary steps to bring your life back into order again. Make friends, get married, have kids before it’s too late, and of all else, be happy.

Your adoring self,

 Future Sooz