How to Protect Yourself From a Zombie Attack



“The World is ending”, The World is ending on…Bla…Bla….Bla…Ever since the dawn of man, SOMEONE has been issuing this statement to the masses. Hey…It’s FUN; good clean humor, and many times, you get to have THOUSANDS of people who have no more intelligence than a door knob buy INTO this phenomenon.

Hell…Once when I was about six, we had someone running around OUR town shouting this message, and well, being six, I believed it and was scared outta my mind.  I mean being a good Irish Catholic, I NATURALLY wondered what I had done to create such a thing.

Naturally the day came and went and I was still here, safe and sound. Since that day I no longer worried about any crackpot going around saying the World was ending. So…You might ask, “Sooz, where are you GOING with all of this?” I don’t BLAME you for asking as I MYSELF lost my train of thought as I went back to thinking about this, and once again began to shiver at the possibilities of no more SEX here on planet Earth…

OK…The REASON for my title… Two words…ZOMBIE INVASION. Yup, that’s right, Zombie Invasion. Well folks, NOT to worry as Sooz has the answers on HOW to protect yourself IF and when Zombies start to awaken from the dead, and proceed to take over the Earth.

Remember, Zombies are SLOW moving, HELL, their DEAD, they SHOULD be slow moving right? As I see it, you have two choices:

1. Move to Alaska, or the Kremlin, where it is freezing cold, (Zombies don’t LIKE the cold), enclose yourself in an air tight cave, (where you will most likely lose ALL oxygen and DIE), OR…

2. KILL the Bastards

MY recommendation, Kill the bastards. Now, if you choose method two, there are several ways to accomplish this remembering that it is IMPERATIVE to destroy their brain. Without their brains being eliminated, they will just keep walking toward you with their arms stretched out in front of them. Recommendations:

  • Use your flame thrower, if you don’t HAVE a flame thrower you can always purchase one at Wal-Mart. THIS method ALWAYS works, PLUS, it’s fun and WARMING for those of you in the cold weather to watch them burn.


  • Drop a heavy safe on their heads from a two story building or higher. I know what you’re thinking BUT remember, they are SLOW moving creatures and not all that SMART.


  • As they’re walking towards you, egg them on like, “Come on Zombie, move a little faster, you can’t catch me, or, you’re so slow maple sap runs faster”. Once distracted, have a friend sneak up behind them, with a sword or an axe, take off their damn heads.


There are SEVERAL more methods of course; like running them over with your car, (focusing on their brains), using the old fashioned method using a Rocket Launcher aimed at their heads, or EVEN just sitting them in front of the TV while Invasion of the Body Snatchers is playing while setting off a small Nuclear device killing all that are watching.

There…Now you have it folks, NO more worries from a Zombie Attack. Just be prepared and ever watchful, after all…THAT is your BEST defense.

Until Later…
















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