Sexy Tuesday–Once

           Sexy Tuesday–Once

 

Once, I had a dream. A dream so very real.
I heard the softness of your voice, and the whisper in your smile.
I felt the gentleness of your loving touch consume my very soul.
Your arms, grasping me in a loving embrace, send me into a fever’s pitch.

Silence like a rain-soaked night quiets my lusting spirit.
I search for the light in a dream filled stupor, aching so badly not to come to conscientiousness.
Let me LIVE the dream, I pray,
and forever be ensnared within your love.

Sue’s Internet Dating Service

 

 

 

How many people out there would like to be in a relationship, BUT, either are too busy to look, OR, just don’t have that get up and go attitude to search 1000 different places until you find someone you’re compatible with? Well, now you can…I’ve created Sue’s Internet Dating Service.

 

All you need to participate is a PULSE, and the energy to write me with a few of your vital statistics. Here is what I require to HOOK you up…

 

1.)    Your age within 10 years…NOBODY likes giving their REAL age so this should help matters. Of course, you must be at LEAST 18 years of age or older…OTHERWISE, I would be hooking you up with someone under the age of 8. If you ARE 8, then you must be gainfully employed, (I’m NOT talking about having a Lemonade stand either), be sexually active, and at least know HOW to drive a car.

 

2.)   Your sexual preference…Male or Female. If you are Bi, then let me know that too as it’s easier to get a date on the weekends that way…

 

3.)   Favorite foods and drinks…You MUST however like Chinese as I LOVE Chinese and so I am making it a staple food choice. Someone asked me if SPAM was a food choice and I say…Sure!!!

 

4.    How would you describe your sexual appetite?

          A.   Like a Horny Toad

          B.   Like a snail

          C.   Only on Saturday nights

          D.   When the mood HITS you

          E.    Somewhere between A and E depending how many drinks you’ve had.

 

5.)   Do you like children and if so how many would you like to spawn?

 

6.)   How tall are you? Just trying to match you up here with a sexual partner, we don’t want any giants matched to little people here now WOULD we?

 

OK…That does it…Just answer the above questions and I will have you HOOKED up before you know it. Oh, one last thing, this is a FREE service so there are NO refunds. Once you get a partner…You are STUCK with them…

 

Come on…Join me today and get started on YOUR whirlwind romance NOW!!!

 

*** The above was just a humorous piece and NOT really a dating service. If you were stupid enough to BELIEVE this, then you really DO need a partner to HELP you through life***

Sue’s Internet Dating Service

 

 

 

How many people out there would like to be in a relationship, BUT, either are too busy to look, OR, just don’t have that get up and go attitude to search 1000 different places until you find someone you’re compatible with? Well, now you can…I’ve created Sue’s Internet Dating Service.

 

All you need to participate is a PULSE, and the energy to write me with a few of your vital statistics. Here is what I require to HOOK you up…

 

1.)    Your age within 10 years…NOBODY likes giving their REAL age so this should help matters. Of course, you must be at LEAST 18 years of age or older…OTHERWISE, I would be hooking you up with someone under the age of 8. If you ARE 8, then you must be gainfully employed, (I’m NOT talking about having a Lemonade stand either), be sexually active, and at least know HOW to drive a car.

 

2.)   Your sexual preference…Male or Female. If you are Bi, then let me know that too as it’s easier to get a date on the weekends that way…

 

3.)   Favorite foods and drinks…You MUST however like Chinese as I LOVE Chinese and so I am making it a staple food choice. Someone asked me if SPAM was a food choice and I say…Sure!!!

 

4.    How would you describe your sexual appetite?

          A.   Like a Horny Toad

          B.   Like a snail

          C.   Only on Saturday nights

          D.   When the mood HITS you

          E.    Somewhere between A and E depending how many drinks you’ve had.

 

5.)   Do you like children and if so how many would you like to spawn?

 

6.)   How tall are you? Just trying to match you up here with a sexual partner, we don’t want any giants matched to little people here now WOULD we?

 

OK…That does it…Just answer the above questions and I will have you HOOKED up before you know it. Oh, one last thing, this is a FREE service so there are NO refunds. Once you get a partner…You are STUCK with them…

 

Come on…Join me today and get started on YOUR whirlwind romance NOW!!!

 

*** The above was just a humorous piece and NOT really a dating service. If you were stupid enough to BELIEVE this, then you really DO need a partner to HELP you through life***

        

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

 

Dear Sooz:

 

I have been reading you now for a long time and I finally decided to write. I have a problem. I am a 35 year old woman who has a loving husband and 2 beautiful kids, the problem is my husband never leaves me alone.

 

Let me clarify that, he never wants to keep his hands off me. He wants to make love 24/7, he is like a frickin’ rabbit on crack. He says that he is just a horny bastard and that I am such a good looking thing he just can’t resist himself.

 

Don’t get me wrong Sooz, I enjoy sex just as much as the next person, I’d just like to be able to breathe once in a while, ya know? I’ve tried talking to him about it but he seems to have a very short attention span, what can I do?

 

Sexed Out in Seattle

 

 

Dear Sexed Out:

 

This one is a tough one for me because in many ways, I am just like your husband. I DO however understand what you mean and have a couple of ideas for you.

 

First thing is this, get a very small Paring knife, while you husband is sleeping, take said knife and give a quick cut across the soft part of Mr. Happy. If you do it right, you should have made the PERFECT Lorraina Bobbitt cut. I’M KIDDING… Don’t REALLY do that.

 

If talking about it doesn’t help, try asking him to go to a Psychotherapist. Sometimes this hyper-sexual activity can be lessened through therapy. Talking it out honestly though is usually the best course of action. Sit him down when the kids aren’t around and tell him that you are just not INTERESTED as much as he is. Explain to him that you would like your own time and space once in a while even though you sincerely love him.

 

If he still doesn’t get it, send him to me…I’ll wear the HELL outta him. Hehehe….I wish you much luck my dear…

The Easter Bunny

 

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When I was a kid, growing up Catholic was a challenge. First, there was Catholic schools with sadistic nuns, feelings of constant guilt as to whether I would go to Heaven, just because I swiped a piece of candy while shopping with my mother, and of course constant finger pain inflicted upon you by the sadistic nuns. 

Here’s where I’m going with this, when Lent came around, my family always made me give up something I REALLY loved for the 40 day period before Easter as a sacrifice,(I guess). Usually it was one of my favorite TV shows at the time, and YES, we had TV back then…Gheese!!! 

Anyway, I would be soooooooooo glad when Easter came because Then I could watch my favorite TV show again. My favorite thing about Easter though was because of Easter Bunny coming. He/she would leave colored eggs, candy, small toys to play with, and of course the basket with these delicious treats was always hidden. 

That’s right, early Easter morning I would sneak into Mommy’s and Daddy’s room, wake them up, (quietly of course…HEY….GET THE HELL UP YOU GUYS, THE EASTER BUNNY CAME LAST NIGHT!!!), and begged them to start the search for my basket. 

Usually, the basket was hidden in a rather obvious place because I was little and didn’t have my GPS skills honed at that point in my life. They would watch as I would search behind the couch or in the laundry hamper until I would finally find my stash of gold. 

I would hoot and holler like a banshee on steroids when I would find my stash,  they would grin from ear to ear. Ahhhh, those were the memories that take me back during this Easter season. To be a kid again would be great wouldn’t it?

 

I hope everyone out there has a very Happy Easter, and may all your dreams come true…

 

 

 

 

Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

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Once upon a time in a land far far away, (I never get tired of that opening), there lived a poor farmer and his wife. They were a happy couple, worked hard throughout the day tending to their fields, feeding their chickens, slopping their pigs, and, at the end of the day, they came back to their small shack of a home, ate dinner and went to bed.

Now, the farmer and his wife were a happy couple, (I said this before but I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention), and for years, they had been trying to have children but were never lucky enough to conceive.

One day while the farmer was out in the fields, a great gust of wind arose from the West out of nowhere. When the farmer looked up, standing before him was an old withered man with a cane. Well, the farmer was amazed and asked, “Where did YOU come from?”

The old man looked up at the farmer with his worn face and stubbly beard and said, ” I am your hope and your salvation. I come from a long line of fairies and I am here to answer your prayers.” “What do you mean the farmer asked, confused?”

“I am here to grant your request for a baby said the fairy, BUT…before I grant your wish, there is just one SMALL request I would ask of you.” The farmer slowly nodded and said “ANYTHING”. Well said the fairy, I need you to sell off all your chickens to raise enough money to buy me new cane.” “Sure” said the farmer, “I’ll do it today.” “No”, said the fairy, wait until tomorrow, you MAY get a better price”.

The farmer agreed and was happy as a new born pig in mud. He RAN home, told his wife what had happened and she just beamed with happiness. Now, being over zealous, his wife thought why wait until tomorrow? She gathered all the chickens and the eggs, took them to market while the farmer napped, and sold all the chickens.

Upon receiving the money, she departed for home. Half way across the fields, a huge gust of wind appeared. There before her stood the old fairy with his cane. Angrily, he addressed the wife and said, “I told your husband NOT to sell the chickens until TOMORROW, now I do NOT have enough money to buy a new cane.”

Apologizing, the farmers wife pleaded to the fairy to have pity on them and begged him to give them a child. The fairy refused and  disappeared into a puff of smoke.

Moral: Never do TODAY what you can put OFF until TOMORROW!!!!!!!

Hey, back off BUCKOS…I just write them…

Just Ask Sooz

 

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Dear Sooz:

I know you like quirky letters so I thought I would write you, here’s my problem. I am a 32 year old woman who loves to eat clay, Playdoh, and sand.

It all started when I was a child in school where they had modeling clay during playtime. I would make stuff and then secretly eat some of it. I have always loved the taste and have never gotten the craving out of my system.

When I go to the beach, it’s the sand that I love to eat. I know this is weird but I just can’t help it. I probably go through three sets of Playdoh and modelling clay per week. I seem to have no ill effects and yet I am ashamed, what can I do? Am I crazy?

Sandy Beach-less

Dear Sandy:
No, you are NOT crazy, well, not because of this eating disorder anyway. While I’m NOT a Dr., I’m guessing you have a condition known as Pica. It is generally characterized by acquiring a taste for things that are non-nutritive like, clay, ice, sand, and many other strange things.

Just out of curiosity, how do you like your Playdoh, rolled into balls, sausage like, or do you just take it to go? Just kidding here…Sorry.

I definitely recommend that you see your Dr. immediately as there can be complications with your digestive tract. This CAN be controlled, so see your physician as soon as you can. Obviously you are still with us and you haven’t mentioned any health problems, but, sooner or later with this eating habit, you may be pushing your luck.
By taking control of this problem now, you will lead a better and more “normal” life, AND, there will be much more BEACH and PLAYDOH left for US and other children to enjoy. I wish you much success.

 

 

Giggle Time– The Married Couple

 
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Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to,
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. 
 
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom 
and pulled him out. 
 
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged
from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “
Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged,
 
since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.”

“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I’m sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “Ralph didn’t hang himself, I just put him there to dry. 

How soon can I go home?” 

Happy Mental Health Day! 

 
 
 
 
 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I want to vent about my mother-in-law, she is a real pill Sooz. Let me just say that I am always nice to her; I hold no ill will towards her, and yet, she treats me like a servant girl. I even have invited her to lunch to talk about it but she speaks in three word sentences.

I have asked my husband but he says that it is just my imagination and that I shouldn’t worry about it, but I do. I’ll give you an example, at Thanksgiving, I told her that I would make the turkey and that she could bring what ever else she wanted, not bad, right?

Well, let me tell you, she showed up with an already cooked bird and all the other trimmings. She said that her son only likes it cooked a certain way and that he was used to having her cooking. I just withered away in the background as not start a fight while my husband was there.

I was pissed Sooz, and when I told my husband about it, all he said was that was just her way. I got no support at all. What, if anything, can I do to correct this situation?
Surf in a Turf Land

Dear Surf:

It appears as though mommy just doesn’t want to give up her baby boy. She still sees him as an infant, taking care of him, and doing everything for him.She is reluctant to give up her FREAKIN’ control. First, I would go to your husband and say: “Look SLICK, either YOU stand up to your mother or I will.” Tell him that you would hate to see her all burned from an “accidental” FLAME THROWER incident.

Let him know in NO uncertain terms that you are HIS wife and as such, he should support you 100%. Explain that YOU are a nice person dammit and you DESERVE to be treated accordingly. It is HIS responsibility to take the lead on this one. Follow it up and make sure that your mamma’s boy does it. If he doesn’t, there is always the FLAME THROWER idea.

Good Luck…

Giggle Time–The Sex Talk

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A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

 
Husband: Sukitaki
 
Wife replies: Kowanini
 
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
 
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
 
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
 

 
I can’t believe you just sat and tried to read this — as if you understood  Japanese!
 
You’ll read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!