Vacation In Seattle–Duck Tour Ride

As I write this today, I am in beautiful Newcastle, Washington. The trials and tribulations of my job have been crushing me like grapes lately, sooooo, I decided to take the Labor Day weekend off and visit a friend of mine near Seattle.

I have been here many times, BUT, never as a tourist. Today, I took their famous Duck Tour. For those of you who don’t KNOW what a Duck Tour is, it’s where you get in a funny as Hell looking vehicle that was designed by the Navy during WW2, and is capable of both land AND sea maneuverability.

I KNOW,right, how can this even happen? I guess that’s why they call it a Duck Boat. In case you’re wondering, NO, it doesn’t quack, BUT, you can buy “QUACKERS” which DO make duck sounds to help enhance the experience. YES, I DID get one.

So, here I am in this seat built for one with TWO of us jamming into one tiny little space with the size just big enough for a mouse’s ass… OBVIOUSLY they weren’t originally designed to carry passengers.

Anyway, there I was “Quacker” in mouth, hands flailing in the air to to tune of Celebrate, and watching everybody making fools out of themselves just like me. Our tour guide was a wealth of information AND a comedian to boot.

We passed the famous Farmers Market, Bubble gum wall (all made from chewing gum just stuck on it by tourists and locals), and of course for all You Grey’s Anatomy fans, Seattle Grace Hospital where they filmed the outside for the TV series. THIS one I was kinda bummed out about though, because instead of a Hospital, it was just a huge office building and sports bar.

After the land tour, we headed for the docks to transform our car into a boat, who’d of thought??? We took a nice little trip around the outer banks of the city, and then headed back for shore again.

All in all, a good time was had by all. My mouth is STILL vibrating from all that duck call blowing…Tomorrow…A harbor dinner cruise…YUM…

Until Later…

 

Back to School Time Blues-NOT!!!!!!!!!

So for some, school has already started, for others, school begins next Wednesday. One of the things I missed out on by NOT having kids, was that I never got to send them BACK to school.

Oh come on…You KNOW you can’t WAIT for those little yellow school busses to pick up your little darlings and haul them away for a good 6-8 hours. Relief is just a school bus away.

I can just picture being cooped up with them all day and thinking of things to do before they start eating the lead filled wallpaper that will change their IQ’s forever. I mean seriously, you’ve already taken them to the Zoo, the park, the Aquarium, and even the neighbors pool when they were on vacation.

Of course the Toughest part, must be the “Mommy, what can we do NOW?” This sentence is usually repeated at least two or three hundred times a day, and the ONLY thing that seems to quiet this incantation is the magic of BEDTIME. Funny, isn’t it, how bedtime seems to get earlier and earlier as the Summer progresses?

Then, finally the God Blessed day has arrived, school clothes costing 2 grand purchased, check, book bags with Disney princesses and Monsters Inc. Characters, check, lunches packed, checked, now all that is left to do is get the KIDS up after their long Summer’s nap.

Naturally, YOU’VE been so busy preparing for their departure, there is only 10 minutes left before the bus comes to take your kids away. Panic sets in, “COME ON you guys, GET UP…The bus is almost here.”

You shake them, yell to them, even DRAG them out of bed, there is NO way you are having them miss their first day of school and YOUR peace. Finally, they are coherent ENOUGH to send them on their way.

YOU, sit back, let out a BIG sigh of relief, and open a bottle of wine. HEY, you deserve it, right??? Thank GOD school is in session for at least another 9 months, PHEW!!!!!!

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

It’s hard for me to open up about this, but after reading you, I feel somewhat of a kinship.I feel you may understand what I am going through. I am a 16 year old girl who has recently become aware of my sexuality.

Sooz, I feel very sexual. What I mean is, I constantly masturbate and I just want to screw every guy, or girl, I see. That’s right, I think I might be bi-sexual.

I have never had sex, but, I want to lose my virginity. There is a party I am going to this weekend, and there is a girl coming that I really crush on. She is 18 and I know for a fact that she is bi-sexual. I want to cozy up to her and see if I can get her to have sex with me.

I want my first experience to be special, but, I don’t know if I can wait for a real relationship. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about and or wanting sex. Is there something wrong with me?
Katie in Kansas

Dear Katie:

 First of all, let me address a couple of issues here. One, you are NOT crazy, and secondly, I would advise against having random sex with someone you hardly, or don’t even really know.

Don’t misunderstand me, sex is a very beautiful, natural, and also enjoyable experience, the thing is, it will be even MORE special with someone you are in a relationship with.

BELIEVE me, I UNDERSTAND your Need and WANT. I, too, at a young age felt much like you do right now. Hell, I STILL feel like you do everyday. The thing is, even IF you have sex with this girl, you just won’t feel emotionally right. Sure,the NEED will be satisfied, but the feeling will be empty.

I am NOT a psychiatrist or a psychologist, BUT, I do know what I am talking about here because I too, like you, just dove in head over heels, and then felt depressed and empty afterwards.

Satisfy yourself for now through masturbation. Eventually, you WILL meet someone you DO feel connected to, and then, the experience will seem WONDERFUL and FULFILLING. Believe me, you will be glad you did. Good luck.

Scribbles and Bits 106–The Wedding Slut

Many times in my writing, I use my OWN life experiences as a guide. In this piece, the challenge was to open with: “Contrary to the rumors, it didn’t happen.” and then end with: ” I sighed. I knew it wouldn’t be long before rumors were flying…”

I’m NOT saying either way, whether this was based on fact or NOT, YOU decide…

 

Contrary to the rumors, it didn’t happen. Sure, I’d been drinkin’, and YES, I was considered to be the wedding slut, but I swear, on my mother’s grave, I didn’t do it.

It all started with the most beautiful wedding ever, a sandy beach, beautiful La. Weather, and a gorgeous tent set up with all the wedding finery you could possibly imagine. The bride in her fine white gown, with a train that would put Lady Di’s to shame, and the groom all dressed in a white tux, ahhhhhhhh!!!

The ceremony went off without a hitch (Pun intended), and then we all drove to the reception hall or the party of a lifetime. Well, you can guess the first thing that I did, I went to the bar and ordered a drink.

Five or six drinks later, (Who counts), the happy couple arrived and we were all seated. I introduced myself to everyone, as I was flying solo tonight, and I must admit, I was feeling no pain.

Two more drinks and dinner finally arrived, a sit down dinner with steak, two different kinds of potatoes, french style green beans, pasta, and bread for the table to pass. The food was delicious as I ate like a dog with a tape worm.

The dancing started immediately after dinner and I must admit, I was never lonely. Suitor after suitor asked me to dance, and I was having the time of my life. Then, all of a sudden, the drinks caught up with me and I felt nauseous.

I guess while I was in the bathroom puking my guts out, the groom also disappeared and came back with a HUGE hickey. THIS time, however, it wasn’t me. I sighed. I knew it wouldn’t be long before rumors were flying…

The Time for Random Questions Has Arrived

 

Aoifomarie just recently posted a random survey. Now, for those of you who KNOW me, you KNOW I can NOT go without answering some random questionnaire and embarrassing myself…So…Here goes…

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

I’d LIKE to say this questionnaire BUT, that isn’t so. I guess I would have to say getting wildly drunk at a friend’s wedding and then had a quickie with the groom. Hey…I TOLD you I was a wedding slut…SOMEONE has to be one and I was THERE so I played the role. P.S. I have SINCE stopped going to wedding receptions.

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Hmmmmm… I have been all over the world, BUT, I have never been to Kuala Lumpur. I have always wanted to go there. Anyone interested in going with me?

Have you got any secret desires?

Yes!!! Unfortunately, none I can talk about here in this forum…;)

Do you have any fetishes?

Oh Honey, I am a fetish magnet. You NAME it, I’ve got it…That’s what makes me FUN in the bedroom….;)

Are you like your parents? If so, how?

Yes, in many ways. I am. My father was a very intelligent man who had a great sense of humor, he also shared a very willing desire to give back to the community. I too share those qualities.

My mother was an alcoholic and had a depressive personality. I too suffer from depression at times, (Although medicated for it), and have also followed in her footsteps in becoming something I swore I would never become…An Alcoholic.

Does your family have a ‘motto’?

My father had a motto he would drill into me at bedtime. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I have always tried to live by this motto as best I could.

Do you have any silly fears or fears that you don’t tell people about in fear of them thinking they’re odd?

Yes!!! I have always had the fear of losing everything and ending up in some asylum mumbling into my blouse all day… Why??? Am I MUMBLING???

What hobbies have you had throughout your life so far?

I have many hobbies. I like to cook (You name it, I’ll cook it), Sing, I also play a MEAN guitar, Read voraciously, Ohhhh, and have sex with anything that walks, crawls, or can be bought at the Adult toy store.;)

What is the weirdest thing you find attractive in a person?

Weirdest thing… Hmmmm… Green eyes. I am a real sucker for this eye color. You don’t even have to speak, just MELT me with those beautiful Green Eyes!!!

Are there any particular physical features for people that trigger lustful thoughts in your mind?

Oh my YES!!! Green eyes, beautiful rounded boobs with pointy nipples, a nice tight derriere, a warm smile, thicker lips, men with a muscular body, Mexican and Asian women/Men, skinny jeans, mini skirts, Men wearing white…OK…OK…You get the point here, just about fucking EVERYTHING!!!

What is home to you?

I was actually asked this once before in an interview I did, and my answer was, and is… Where ever there are friends close by, and where happiness surrounds me. To ME, this is where your heart is happy and your soul sings.

Which color represents your personality, and why?

I would have to say three colors: Red, Orange, and Yellow. The reason is, these are party colors, and I try to make my life a party where ever I go. They are vibrant, which best suits my personality…They are bold and lively, and so am I. MUAH!!!

Until Later…

Boobs, Tits, or Mammary Glands, What’s YOUR Preferance

So, I was looking at my boobs today in the mirror, and I thought DAMN GIRL, these look FINE. I can understand why guys AND girls alike ogle them. I’m not talking about MINE in particular, I mean ALL boobs.

Think about it, they are soft as a baby’s behind, JUST the right squeezing and fondling size, AND, they have succulent looking and tasting nipples. What more could anyone ask for?

OK….I KNOW there will be SOME of you out there who will say, “How about someone with a good personality, intelligence, one who is loyal, trustworthy, and kind?” Yeah, yeah, sure…BUT…Just LOOK at those nipples!!!

Now here’s the thing, not ONLY are they nice to look at and touch, they ALSO are a life support system for feeding our young. WHAT a great design…Who thinks UP this stuff anyway?
Because today is Thursday, and it’s slow here today at work, I thought I would just take a quick survey. It’s OK people,this is just a frivolous blog which will ONLY be read by millions, feel free to jump right in. The question is:

What do YOU call our mammary glands?

Personally, I like to call mine Bethany and Sooz. Nooooooo!!!!!! I’m just kidding, I call mine either boobs or “the twins”. How about YOU, what do you call them? Let’s have it people…No term is toooo out there. I just wanna see how crazy you can all get. DON’T disappoint me now.

OH COME ON!!! IT’LL BE FUN!!!!!

MUAH…

Until Later…

Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales–The Garden Of Eden

 

 

Here I sit beneath the tree, waiting for Adam, AGAIN!!! It’s beautiful here, plush gardens everywhere, never ending sunshine, and just gorgeous for sunbathing, ESPECIALLY since we are naked. It is indeed paradise.

We are the only ones here in this beautiful garden, God calls Eden, guess He is hung up on the “E” vowel. All is provided for us, and this new found life is amazing. We, (Adam and I), have free access to ANYTHING we desire, EXCEPT the apples on this one tree. It’s kinda weird really because He never really DID give us a good reason as to WHY WE can’t have any.

I must admit, I am curious as to why This fruit, amongst ALL others, is forbidden to us. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if only I were to take a bite of this succulent looking orb.

“Wait…What is that hissing noise above the apple tree?”  Hmmm, it’s a snake and it’s SPEAKING?? “Eat the apple Eve, they are delicious.” “But, snake, God has spoken that we should NOT partake of this fruit.” “Don’t be ridiculous Eve, God has just said that because He is selfish and wants all the apples for Himself.”

“Hey, how is it that you can TALK anyway, none of the other animals here can?” Oh, I am a magical snake, and also one who has great knowledge, THAT’S how I know it’s really OK to eat the apples.” Ya know what, said the snake, “If you eat the apple, you will have the same powers as God Himself.”

“Cool”’, said Eve, as she grabbed an apple from the tree and took a bite. In the meantime, Adam had returned from his fishing trip and saw that Eve had just bitten into the apple.
“What the HELL are you doing Eve”, asked Adam, “You KNOW we’re not supposed to eat the apples.” “The snake said it was OK Adam, and he seems really smart.” “What snake”, asked Adam, as the snake had suddenly disappeared. Eve explained and invited Adam to partake.

Adam, not being the SHARPEST knife in the drawer said ok, and he also bit off a huge chunk of the apple. Just then, the skies darkened, and thunder roared as God spoke. “WTF (First time this term was ever used), is WRONG with you two?” “Don’t you understand Arabic?” “I said the apples were a no no!!!” “There WILL be consequences”, said God, as He opened up the gates of Eden and kicked them the Hell out.

Moral: — First off, snakes, no LONGER speak.
Secondly, we may NOT live in a beautiful garden anymore, BUT, we get to wear designer clothes, have all the kids we want, and more importantly…We get to eat apples, drink apple cider, eat apple sauce, and have as many candy apples as we can eat.

All in all…NOT a bad thing… 😉

Until later…

 

Recent Posts

• Garden of Eden—Fractured Fairy Tale Version
• Just Ask Sooz
• Confessions of a Sex Addict
• If It Looks like a Duck, And Quacks Like a Duck, Could It BE a Mentally Deranged Chicken
• Review–“Get On Up”
• Scribbles #103–The Final Goodbye
• 10 Signs That Indicate You Need to Get Laid Now
• Just Ask Sooz
• Sooz’s Naughty Nursery Rhymes
• Silence

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Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:
I am a woman in her 50’s, my boyfriend, who I have been dating now for 2 years, says that he wants me to have a face lift and lose 20 lbs. I am not an ugly woman by any means Sooz and while I could stand to lose some weight, I am not rotund either.

Manny, (my boyfriend), says that if I don’t have the surgery and lose the weight, he may just start looking for other women. Here’s the thing Sooz, he is no Adonis either. He is balding and near the edge of 300 lbs on a 5’ 10” frame.

I love him just the way he is and always have, but, I am afraid that he will leave me if I don’t have the surgery and lose the weight. To be frank, I am scared about going under the knife, you never know how it will turn out, and, it’s expensive.

What do you think I should do? I am so depressed about this whole situation. I could really use your advice here.

Depressed 50 yr old

 

Dear Depressed:

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???????????????????? Are you kidding me here???? What the HELL is WRONG with Manny anyway? Is he delusional? Baby if he is 300 lbs and balding, THIS man should be LUCKY you are still with HIM!!!

A loving relationship should be based on Trust, Honesty, and Love. If he is only basing your relationship on looks, then I would say “Hit the Road Jack”…I think it is preposterous that he would even suggest SUGGEST such a thing.

Plus, you are right, face lifts ARE expensive and even though they have been done for years, you STILL never know what the after pics will look like. It’s STILL surgery and ANY surgery is risky.

Tell Manny that if HE pays for the surgery and you lose the 20 lbs, there is NO guarantee that YOU won’t start looking for a younger man either. See how THAT one goes…UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!

My advice, DON’T get the surgery JUST because HE wants it. If you want to do it for yourself and help build your OWN self esteem, FINE… Otherwise, I would tell Manny to just back off or find a beautiful Brazilian Model who will have him for his balding, overweight self…Good Luck…

Confessions of a Sex Addict

I DID it again. I was out clubbing with a couple of my friends last night and as I hit the dance floor, my back started killing me. This has happened to me before and nothing seems to help except Oxycodone.

Let me just say this, I hardly EVER use this drug unless I am in severe pain, last night was one of those nights. My friends were drinking shots of Vodka and I was drinking Iced Tea. I was SUPPOSED to be the designated driver. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took one and waited about 20 minutes and it only started to give me MINOR relief. Sometimes I am not too bright folks, rather than pack it in early and go to bed, I just popped another pill. WRONG THING TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twenty minutes later, my back started feeling “MUCH” better, not because it was really better mind you, it was because Miss Sooz was higher than a proverbial kite on crack.

Back to the dance floor I went and just partied my ass off. My friends were all drunk as skunks and well, I wasn’t much better so I had to have the bartender call us a cab to take us back to my place.

There, the party continued into the wee hours of the morn. I remember taking yet another pill as my back was just starting to feel cramped again and I didn’t want that to spoil the fun.
Long story short, (If that’s even possible anymore), I wound up the next day, NAKED, and in bed with two of my friends who were ALSO naked. We must have had a threesome and then passed out. I couldn’t remember anything and neither could they.

We all got dressed, said our goodbyes and the day went on from there. Needless to say, I will NOT be taking that many Oxys again anytime soon. Lesson learned. ……BLUSH……

Until Later…

If It Looks like a Duck, And Quacks Like a Duck, Could It BE a Mentally Deranged Chicken

These are questions we should ask ourselves every day. Yes!!! Yes!!! I know, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck right? Not necessarily.

Take Donald Duck for an example, he looks the part and quacks the part, but really, he is a cartoon character playing the ROLE of a duck. How do you know, if he’s wearing a costume UNDERNEATH, he really could be a cartoon rabbit. Well… OK… He’s basically naked so that doesn’t fly, but STILL, you get my point.

OK, OK, I know what you’re thinking, WHAT the HELL are you talking about Sooz??? Here it is folks, I have NO FREAKIN’ idea… I got NOTHIN’!!! I had this whole thing planned out to talk about people who wear masks and hide their REAL personas, then, I thought WTF, that would be soooooooooo boring, I would put you all to sleep.

So, instead, let’s talk about whether men really like us for our brains, humor, stunning looks, OR our Va Jay Jays…Odds on favorite…Men would say the FIRST three, well, if they knew what was good for them anyway, but deep down in their penissesus, you and I BOTH know the REAL reason.

This is OK of course a long as they respect us, love us, give us what EVER we want at ALL times and of course, help out with the housework. I mean WE BOTH want the same things in life, right, to be rich, have servants galore, take world vacations whenever we want at the drop of a hat, and of course be able to throw wild parties till all hours of the day and night.

Hmmmmmm, that being said, I think I better go and examine my topic sentence…Yuuuuuuuuuuuuup, I believe I AM a deranged chicken even though I quack like a duck…So sue me!!!

Until Later…

P.S. Please Note: All proceeds collected from this piece go to the “Help buy a brain for Sooz foundation”…