10 Reasons NOT to Get Drunk On New Year’s Eve

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1. You can actually BLOW your noisemaker at Midnight.

2. You don’t have to worry about sending apology cards, and then, trying to remember WHO they go to…

3. You can actually REMEMBER who you were kissing or…(Whatever) At Midnight…

4. It’s nice waking up in a BED as opposed to the FLOOR…

5. You DON’T have to be the naked dessert table…

6 The new friend you’ve been talking to is NOT your toilet…

7. You use the restroom as opposed to your pants…

8. When you wake up the next morning, there is NO merry-Go-Round in your room.

9 Your date for New Year’s Eve actually calls you AGAIN!!!

10 Eggs and bacon taste great as oppose to a 6 shot and beer breakfast

Twas The Night Before New Year’s

Twas The Night Nefore New Year’s

Twas the night before New Year’s and all through the house,Not a creature was stirring, except Santa cleaning the reindeer poop off his sleigh.

All the presents were opened, and the kids bored to tears,

Their parents, it seemed, were in need of some beers.
The weather being frightful and the temperature cold,
Made the kids mean, and unhinged, and unruly I’m told.
So to bed with the kids their parents did send,
As they geared up for drinks at the Holiday’s end.

They drank Whiskey and Beer, and some Vodka and Gin,
They drank Wine and some Schnops, and some shots in a tin.
Laughing and giggling were the sounds that were heard,
As the revelers drooled with their sight greatly blurred.

On the floors did they sleep till the New Year arrived,
Bringing prosperity and song, and the hangover revived.
Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Ask Sooz


Dear Sooz:
Each year at Christmas I receive many gifts that I just don’t want. I believe  it is OK to re-gift these items, yet my husband, says re-gifting is simply tacky and that I should just donate them. What are your thoughts on this?
Re-Gifting Gerry

Dear Re-Gifting:
Good question. Here is what I think about re-gifting. This is all just a matter of opinion. For example, let’s say you received a Lady Remington Shaver that you didn’t want, rather than take it back, you might actually KNOW someone who would LIKE that gift. Now in THIS case, it wouldn’t be tacky.
However, if you received… I don’t know, let’s say an ugly Christmas sweater, and you re-gifted THAT, THEN I believe, you would be awarded entry into the Tacky Hall of Fame.
Just do what you believe is right in your heart, hey, EVERYONE does it, you might just as well jump on the band wagon. Hope this helped…

Dear Sooz:
My husband of 15 years just gave me some sexy lingerie which he wants me to wear all the time. Honestly Sooz, the garment is just not me. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a prude in any way, it’s just that every time I wear it, he gets excited and wants to make love. I like making love, just not all the time. How can I explain this to him without hurting his male ego?
Lost in Lingerie
Dear Lost in Lingerie:
First of all, be GLAD that your husband thinks of you as that sexy woman and wants to make love to you all the time. That being said, just explain to your husband that while HIS sex drive is stuck in OVERDRIVE, yours is in DRIVE with a touch of NEUTRAL.
Make sure he knows how sweet it was of him to think of you that way, (Even though it was really for HIM), assure him that you love him, and that you just need a BRAKE (Sorry, couldn’t help the car reference) sometimes. I’m sure if your husband loves you that he will understand. Good Luck…

Twas The Day AFTER Christmas And All Through The House…

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Well, today’s the day AFTER Christmas, no excitement, no enthusiasm, and certainly no ENERGY to DO ANYTHING!!! All the presents have been opened, all of our stomachs feel like puking from all that food, and CERTAINLY, our heads are ringing from all of that great Xmas eggnog. Good Times!!!

Well people, there are two things left yet to do today.

1. Return all the gifts that were either unwanted OR didn’t fit.
2. Start examining your conscience for your New Year’s resolutions.

As for ME, well, I just donate the gifts I didn’t want, or RE-GIFT them like we ALL do. As for the stuff that doesn’t fit, well, it just never gets worn, and once again is usually a donation.

This brings me to thingy #2, New Year’s Resolutions. Every year, the vast majority of us will labor intensively over our New Year’s Resolutions. What will we do, or NOT do in the NEW Year, to help us better our lives.
Now, I don’t know you PERSONALLY, BUT, if you are like ME, then many or MOST of those hard thought up Resolutions that ARE made, go by the wayside as of January 2nd.

Even so, I have made my resolutions, and here they are:

1. Never again will I take a pee on my neighbor’s lawn while it is STILL light outside. Yes… I actually DID this LAST year, while drunk one night walking home from the bar. GOOD NEWS… I am not drinking this year, so this resolution should be easier to keep.

2. Never put ALL of my winnings on BLACK while in Vegas. Hey…It SEEMED like a GOOD idea at the time OK??????

3. Never use the work FUCK unless it is REALLY necessary. Yes, I am a bit of a potty mouth. Now, shut the FUCK up!!!!!! Just kidding…J

4. Never EVER walk out of the house without toilet tissue in my bag. LONG STORY… If you ever meet me and you NEED some tissue…I’m your gal…

5. Always make NICE with the Auditor. Long story short, last year I DIDN’T, and BOY was I SORRY!!!!!!!!!

6. Go head, give to the poor Wino who is begging on the street for food money, he MIGHT buy food???????? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Remember to order TEA…NOT Long Island Iced Tea…

8. Kindness is a VIRTUE…Kindness is a VIRTUE….Kindness is a VIRTUE!!!

9. I will TRY and control my Sexual appetite….YEAH… like THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN!!! Gheese!!!

*** Never say another bad word about ANYONE… Unless, of course, they say something bad about ME, in which case I can CRUCIFY their asses…***

Fingers cross I will be able to keep all of these for the New Year. Good Luck with YOURS also…

Until Later…

Sooz’s Holiday Letter

 

Dear Folks:
Tis the time of year where I write about MY past year. I have had many trials and tribulations this year, and yet, I have also had some very GOOD things that have happened.
A few dear friends and relatives have passed this year, and it was THOSE people who have Helped guide my path throughout life. Probably the most heart wrenching thing was when I lost my substitute mother, my Aunt Carol. She was indeed my guiding life force for many of the decisions I have made in my life.

I suffered Pneumonia earlier this year, and that experience, has brought me closer to the realization of what LIFE is all about. We never really THINK about our lives until something Earth shattering happens.

That is where I must thank all of YOU, yes…YOU guys!!!! Without your guiding words and your inspiring words of FAITH, I would NOT have been able to do this.

There are SO many of you who have shed your guiding light upon me that I will NEVER be able to truly express my gratitude. You ALL know who you are and let me just say that I shall NEVER be able to express my greatest thoughts and feelings.

I wish you ALL a Happy Holiday and hope you all have a very prosperous New Year.
Until Later…
Sooz

Just Ask Sooz

Recently, I have gotten some pretty cute letters from children who have asked me if Santa Claus is real or a fake. For these children, my answer is as follows:

 

Dear Children:

Is the love in your hearts real on Xmas morning when you share the good times and happy moments with your family? Do you love to be told stories about Xmas and the Holiday Season?

Do you leave cookies or some kind of treats out in the hopes that Santa and his reindeer will eat them and remember you kindly on Xmas morning? Does the spirit of Xmas ring within you as Christmas songs play on the radio or are sung by choirs and carolers?

Have you recently thought about getting presents or perhaps have even sat on a store Santas lap with the hope that your wishes would become reality? Does the Season bring out your excitement and renew your love of others?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions my dear little ones, then YES, there IS a Santa Clause. He reigns within your hopes, your dreams, and the love that is filled within you all.

May you All have a very Merry and Blessed Season, and may the love you find within your hearts now, live within you forever.

Until Later…

I GOT My Early Xmas Present

YES…YES…YES…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That explains my dinner date for Saturday night past. For those of you who have never read me before…AND WY NOT…I had an earlier post where I declared all I wanted for Xmas was my next door neighbor.

He is a VERY cute guy who just recently moved into the house next to me. Now, since I have been taking it easy for the last 30 days recovering from a heart episode, I haven’t engaged in the carnal pleasures of the body, and BOY, was I ready, willing, and anxious to be ridden like a wild filly gain.

I had gone over to his house dressed to the nines, welcomed him to the neighborhood, and then invited him for dinner. He was very pleasant, looked at my low cut gown, (Actually, he was staring at my boobs), and readily accepted my invitation.

Saturday night at 7:00 PM the doorbell rang, and there was my cute unsuspecting fly, just ready to enter the spiders lair. He was wearing a very expensive suit, WITH vest,(???), and I countered him with my REALLY low cut red dress with matching ruby necklace and rings. Underneath, he would later find a pair of red lace panties and a sexy red bra.

I made him a nice dinner and he told me all about himself. He is 34, a graphic designer, and was unmarried or otherwise attached…BINGO…GAME OVER!!! Soft dinner music was playing and I had the room lit with candles everywhere. I had sprayed just a touch of Joy perfume in all my delicate areas, and then made sure he was close enough to smell it.

After about 2 bottles of wine (for him), I asked if he would dance with me. He readily accepted and held me close as we danced to Hero by Enrique Iglesias. The night was perfect as I leaned in, closed my eyes, and kissed him.

As I said above…GAME OVER!!! We danced, we kissed, we……………. The next morning I made him an everything omelet with some coffee and a bit of ME… He smiled, I smiled, and he asked me if I would see him again. I gave him my number and told him to call me… Xmas indeed came early for me this year…

Until Later…

 

 

Sooz’s Letter To Santa

Dear Santa

First off, let me say that I have been a VERY good girl this year. OK, there was that ONE time that I got drunk and flashed my boobs at that traffic cop, but he was cute and he whistled at me. Well, OK, it was his Police whistle, but STILL, he looked RIGHT at me when he did it.

Luckily, I wasn’t in the driver’s seat; otherwise, instead of getting an indecent exposure ticket, I would have lost my license from a DUI charge. Anyway, as you already know, (Since you know EVERYTHING), I paid the fine and promised NOT to get drunk and flash again, *WINK*…

If you could see your way clear of this past incident, then I believe the rest of the year I have been as good as gold. So…I am asking for just a few measly presents if you would be so kind. I was GOING to ask for world peace, but THAT one I believe needs to come from a higher authority. So instead, I will ask for just a few Earthbound Presents.

I would really appreciate it if you could bring me a bra that supports my boobs WITHOUT cutting into my skin. Something from Victoria Secret would be great, BUT, could I have 3 pair, one in Red, Black, and Lace. If you wanna throw in some nice sexy panties that would be great too, even though I never wear them for very long because they keep getting’ taken off.

Oh, I could also use a nice Jet Ski. I realize that this would be heavy for you to carry in your sleigh, so, if you would rather leave me CASH under the tree that would be OK by me.

Just one more thing Santa, I really would like to know HOW you are able to CARRY all those presents in your sleigh. The weight would be tremendous, and the speed at which you would need to accomplish such a feat would certainly put so much stress on your sleigh that it would burst into flame based on physics principles.

Again, I just want to thank you in advance for bringing any or ALL of these items, and I will make sure I leave you some milk, cookies, and Pepto Bismol. I am so excited and can hardly wait for Xmas..

Yours truly,
Sooz

All I Want For Xmas Is My Next Door Neighbor

So here’s the deal, I just had a new neighbor move in beside me, and he is SMOKIN’ HOT!!! He moved in all by his lonesome and so I am thinking of inviting him over for dinner…WHAT???? It’s just the neighborly thing to do right??? Hey…He’s GOTTA eat.
He appears to be a bit younger than me, but, it’s OK, this cougar is ready for anything. Remember, I’ve been outta action for the last 30 days and this chick is READY for LOVE (OK… SEX).
I’ve already picked out a killer outfit for the intro, and if he says NO, then he’s either playin’ for a different team or he is stone cold DEAD.

I’m gonna play it as the COY Suzie Q, (YES…I CAN be COY…Gheese), he will have NO chance, PLUS, I make a mean meal.
Wish me well… If all goes according to plan, I’ll be having HIM for dessert. YUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll keep ya all posted….MUAH!!!
Until Later…

Alas…The Hated Fruit Cake

Here it is almost Christmas and once gain we’re in the season of giving. There are Toys for Tots, and Booze for Sooz, (Just Kidding), and of COURSE that PERFECT gift for Aunt Martha and Uncle Derwood, the beloved Fruit Cake.

OK…raise your hand if you actually LIKE Fruit Cake. THAT’S what I thought; I only see 2 hands out of the 6 Billion people who are reading this…WHAT??? It COULD happen..??!!??

 So…Why is Fruit Cake such a hated culinary entity? I KNOW what you’re going to say…It’s because it tastes like a BRICK with DISEASED STUFF all over it. Was THAT right? Well, THAT’S what it looks and tastes like to me. Come on…Who’s WITH me here???

I mean Fruit Cake is NOT what you think of when you hear the word cake. Cake is something that is deliciously GOOD; it’s light and fluffy, and covered with all kinds of thick rich melt in your mouth frosting. It is NOT something that you could build houses with.

Think about it, WHO in their RIGHT mind puts candied fruit in something they call cake, and has the consistency of a gold brick? Does THAT sound appetizing???

Being a decent cook, I can tell you first hand, Fruit Cake is supposed to be AGED like a fine wine for 10 weeks after it is baked. YUP…You heard me, 10 freakin’ weeks. WHAT???? If something that has to be AGED, it better be able to give me one HELL of a Buzz, or have some FLAVOR to it, otherwise it AIN’T (YES…I KNOW I SAID AIN’T) comin’ across THESE lips.

For those of you who actually LIKE Fruit cake, well, you know the old saying…He/She is nuttier than a… Well…You get the idea. Merry Xmas everyone…

Until Later…