Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales—The Legend of Paul Bunyan

  • Once upon a time, there lived a child named Paul Bunyan. Now Paul was an unusual child. As an eight year old, he had already grown to the height of 5’7” and weighed 120lbs. Paul was raised by his father Jacob, a strapping lumberjack, as his mother, a sickly woman, succumbed to the stresses of childbirth and never saw her precious son.
    Paul grew in age and stature. His height accelerated at an unusual rate. By the time he reached puberty, he was already 6’4” and still growing.

    He loved the woods; he would follow his dad into the forest and watch as his dad would fell trees. He knew that one day; he too would follow in his father’s footsteps. The smell of the pines, the blue of the sky, and the cracking cries that screamed out from the trees like banshees, gave him goose bumps, and he KNEW this was in his blood.

    When Paul turned 18, his father passed away. In his last act, Jacob handed Paul his most prized possession, his trusty ax. He said, “Boy, there’s a lot of trees out there that need cuttin’ and you’re the one to do it, make me proud.”
    At 21, he was considered the town giant. He was now a strapping young man at 8’9”, and weighing WELL, more than a barrel full of Monkeys.

    Paul lived up to his father’s dream, he joined several logging outfits, and in each, he became the leading logger of the camp. Life was good for Paul, he was happy, and had everything he needed.

    One night after work, as the men went to their favorite pub to unwind, there was talk among the loggers that someone had invented a newfangled tree choppin’ MACHINE; they called it the Chain Saw.

    Thinking nothing of it, Paul continued his tree felling extraordinary job, chopping tree after tree as fast as he could. One day, a friend of Paul’s came to him and said, “Paul, people are beginning to talk; they’re saying the chainsaw will take away our jobs. The chainsaw is supposed to be faster than TWO men.”

    “Pishtosh said Paul, and I will prove it. Set up a contest with the people who own the machine, the winner wins control of the logging industry decisions. I win, NO MORE CHAINSAWS, they win, I concede, give up, and let progress cripple the egos of men.”

    May 17th. was chosen as the day of reckoning, Paul had an early, but BIG breakfast, while the machine, just had a small taste of motor oil. Hundreds attended to watch mighty Paul Bunyan V.S. the menacing machine.

    The time arrived. 3….2….1….”GO” yelled the man with the starting gun, Paul and the chainsaw sprang into action as tree by tree lay flat against the ground. Two hours passed, and Paul swinging that hefty ax was a mixture of sweat, aching muscles, and a determination that put warriors to shame.

    Four hours in now, and the chainsaw was hard at work as it felled tree after tree. Six hours in and the finish whistle blew. Paul dropped to his knees, shaking the ground like a huge earthquake, while the chainsaw, just shut down and smiled. (YES…They CAN)!!!

    The final tabulation was counted…Paul had LOST!!!!! Dumbfounded, Paul did what any civilized man would do, He put out his hand to the chain saw’s owner, pulled him in close, and then squeezed the life out of his body. Next, he grabbed that noisy ass chainsaw, pulled the cord and KILLED every last employee of the company.

    No police were called, no consequences doled out, Paul was a free man. The chainsaw never again raised its ugly teeth until after Paul’s demise. Again… (They DO have logging outfits in the sky…GEEEZ!!!!!)

    MORAL:Never piss off anyone who is 8’9”….EVER!!!!!!

2 thoughts on “Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales—The Legend of Paul Bunyan

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