Famous Rejection Letters

Sometimes in life, even the most popular writers receive a rejection letter now and again; this rejection letter comes to the famous author of Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James.

Dear Ms. James:

We have reviewed your book and, well, we have some concerns regarding your story line. We believe that in the opening, Anastasia should NEVER have done that first interview with Christian Grey. We find it highly unlikely that Ana would have EVER gotten IN to see HIM personally, as most billionaires would have their press secretaries, or personnel department manager conduct them. We ALSO felt that Ana’s best friend Kate was being kind of an ASSHOLE by sending her, instead of herself in the FIRST place, who DOES something like that?

As your story continues, Christian, who is an UNROMANTIC bastard, asks Ana out on a date and gets to know her a little better. Ana is love struck, and can’t BELIEVE that a wealthy self-made billionaire would have anything to do with her, a plain looking girl from Vancouver Washington. Honestly, WE couldn’t either. We think that you should have Kate as the lead character, and Ana play her wheel-woman.

While Ana WANTS a romantic relationship with Christian, he freely admits HE only wants HER for sex. He takes her to his ‘red room of pleasure’; a room filled with BDSM toys, and shows her HOW he wants her to experience HIS sexual appetite.

OK, Ms. James, SERIOUSLY??? The first thing MOST women would do is run the HELL out of there faster than a hare in a jackrabbit race. But Noooooooo, Ana actually considers it. We feel this is WAY beyond the scope of what ‘NORMAL’ people would do, and feel that you should change the BDSM section to let’s say a LIGHTER state of affair. Instead of whips, chains, and riding crops, you could display Dildos, Ass beads, and an assortment of pretty Vibrators.

These items, women can RELATE to much easier as opposed to being tied up, spanked, and then tickled with a feather before being sexually pummeled. At the very LEAST, Christian could give her some Ice-Cream afterwards, Geez…

I’m afraid your book would NEVER sell, we are sorry, but at this time must decline your offer. If you wish to re-work the storyline as we have suggested, please re-submit it for further review. Thank you.

The Christian Monitor


Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I was wondering if you could give me some advice about my friends? You see, I’m a 17 year old girl who seems to have been labeled as an “Innocent”, which means that my friends exclude me from any conversation that they wouldn’t repeat to a 10-year-old child.

The irony is, not only do I understand all their jokes and innuendos perfectly well, I also understand more of them than most of my friends at the table do…

I know it’s a small problem, but I am simply sick of the whispered alert of “Innocent approaching”, and the awkward deception of, “Why, hello, how has your day been going”, as they turn to look at me from around 15 feet away.

While I certainly don’t want to be labeled as a pervert or anything, I don’t enjoy being on the opposite side of the spectrum where everyone thinks I’m too childish, or too fragile to understand their jokes and laugh along.

It certainly hasn’t won me any friends, and what I want most is to belong to their group, and not be the “Innocent” bystander. Any advice? Thank you very much.

Lack of Innocent-ives

Dear Lack of Innocent- Ives:

Being a 17 year old girl who appears to be “an innocent” in TODAY’s society is definitely hard. Today, everyone is 17 going on 40. I can certainly understand your hunger for wanting to be treated “normal” and belonging to the rest of the crowd.

Here’s the IMPORTANT thing, BE YOURSELF!!! Don’t try and change just to “fit in” with the other girls. Personally, I find it REFRESHING that you appear that way. Believe me, you will be WELL sought after a little later for having that coquettish look of innocence.

However, to get closer to OTHERS, you too must make the first move. Join in, do things and SHOW your friends that you DO understand what they are saying, AND that you indeed can laugh and giggle at the same things they are saying WITHOUT being embarrassed, or thought to be naive.

Girls can be cruel at tht age, try and associate or make friends with OTHER girls who are MORE like YOU… Believe me, if you DO, you will soon have many friends and the girls who thought you were once an innocent, will flock towards you. I wish you much luck. Now, GO MAKE SOME FRIENDS.

My Drunk Diaries—Sex For Six

My club days…Ahhhhh!!!!  These were some of my most fun,  yet also licentious days. There was a time I would hit the clubs EVERY night, drink till I could barely stand, and then wake up the next morning in strange surroundings with a VARIETY of,  hopefully not serial killer men or women.

Yes, I KNOW what you’re gonna say, “How would you know if they ever used protection, what about venereal disease or worse? Well, right you are. You see, back then, I really didn’t care, I was on a path of self degradation.

Hey, my mother was a drunk, my father killed himself in front of me, and I just didn’t GIVE a flying fuck about me or anybody else. I was slowly self-destructing.  So, I drank, got drunk, and spun the wheel of life to see where it took me.

One night at a club in Monaco, (That Nation will never be the same), per usual, I started partying around 9PM. Back THEN, I was a REAL LOOKER, and was used to being hit on by LOTS of men. That night, I was looking for a good looking woman, however, to have some “FUN”.

I hooked up with one at the bar and bought her a drink.  She was a gorgeous blonde, and like me, was stacked nicely in all the right places. She mentioned that she wasn’t really into women, but after a few drinks, she seemed to lose her woman on woman rule.

Around 11:00, two cute guys came over to buy us drinks and chat us up. After doing shooters and Vodka cranberries, we were both feeling “no pain”. I think the WHOLE bar heard us giggling and talking a little TOO loud.

One of the guys got on his phone and made a phone call, half hour later; another couple came in and came over to the table.  Shooter after shooter later, the couple asked me and this other girl (Let’s call her Mandy), IF we had EVER had group sex.

By NOW, I would have agreed to strip naked and dance on the bar. We both answered no. Then, the woman asked me if we’d like to TRY it. In my best drunken slurred voice I said Shuuuuuuuuuure!!!

We went back to the COUPLES place, stripped naked, and well the rest I will let you use your imaginations. Let’s just say that the guys went “around the world” without even taking a suitcase.

I woke up the next mornin’ at the bottom of this gigantic king bed, with a HUGE hangover, and “GUNK” all over me….I was embarrassed, hurting, and once again swore to myself that I would NEVER do it again. Who was I kidding?

Until later…





To Cheat, or Not to Cheat…THAT is The Question

Did you know that Divorce is the number one cause of marriage dissolution? ANYONE CATCH THAT??? ANYONE??? Sorry, I couldn’t help myself, breathing in all this cold Argentina air has made me a little how you say…LOCO!!!

Seriously, (Yeah, right), 17% of all marriages dissolve due to cheating. One interesting fact is that while married men, cheat at an alarming 70% of the time, women, admitted to having an affair between 50-60 percent of the time. No WONDER there re so many divorces.

Why not just live together and then FUCK who EVER the Hell you wanna FUCK!!! Wouldn’t that make it a LOT easier I mean, when they split? So many people get married on a WHIM as opposed to actually THINKING about it beforehand.

EVERYBODY has a few problems people, become AWARE of them. For example:

Does he/she drink heavily?

Is he/she fucking him entire Fleet when they’re in town NOW?

Is his Penis made of JELLO?

Is her Vagina SO tight, you couldn’t even get a piece of SAND up there?

What kind of a drunk IS/she…A.—Happy…B.—Mean…or C.—Gender transitioning?

Come ON folks, these are things you HAVE to KNOW head of time, OTHERWISE, you are just in for a disaster…

Cheating is caused by a number of factors, BUT, the two most common ones are:

  1. I HATE my spouse and wanna get a piece of FRESH.
  2. My spouse Fucks like a Zombie, let’s try a LIVE one this time.

Don’t get me WRONG, I’m not AGAINST marriage, JUST The part that says you have to screw the same person day after day for the REST of your natural born LIVES!!!!

OK, never mind what I said folks, I’m SURE there is a deserving person out there just right for YOU, well, at least for a WHILE…

Until Later…



Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

Please help me. I am  22 year old college student who likes to party and have fun. Yes, sometimes I do over imbibe, but, I usually remember what happened the day after.

Last night I went to the pub with a few of my friends. We danced, had some drinks, played darts, etc. All of a sudden I started to feel sick like I was going to pass out.

I started to leave, but the next thing I remember, I awoke in a dorm room with some guy I hardly knew. I was in bed, naked, with my clothes scattered all over the room. I don’t remember anything and I am so embarrassed.

I asked the guy if we had sex and he said no, we just made out and that was all. Sooz, I don’t know “what to believe”. I don’t know if he, or one of his friends drugged me, or if I just had way too much to drink.

I was thinking about going to campus police, but I really don’t have any viable evidence. What should I do?

Jaded Jenna


Dear Jaded Jenna:

First off, GO to the campus police and have a rape kit done. While you MAY have been in a state of extreme intoxication, it doesn’t sound like it to me. There are so many different kinds of rape drugs out there now that I wouldn’t take that chance.

The next time you go out, have a couple drinks to relax, THEN, switch to soda or some other kind of non-alcoholic drink. Believe me, I have been in your shoes, ease up on the drinking. I can relate to what YOU’RE saying in addition to possibility getting a venereal disease. I wish you much luck Darlin’…Now GO!!!!



My Drunk Diaries—Getting Arrested

At sixteen, I decided to get a job. I really didn’t know what I would apply for, but I figured, hey Sooz, you’re a smart kid, you can find ANYTHING Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walked my cute little ass off from one side of town to the other trying to find work without success. To say I was a little dejected that day would have been an understatement. I have always been a stick to it kind gal though, so I just licked my emotional wounds and decided to try again.

The next day I got up early, told my mother I was going out job hunting, and in her best loving way, she waved me off saying, “Good, it’s about time.” So. Back to the streets I walked, searching for a job.

After about my third no, I walked into this crummy little run down diner named Mary’s Breakfast Nook???? WTF???  SERIOUSLY???? I walked up to the counter asked for Mary, and in a DEEP husky voice she said, “I’m Mary”.  I explained I was looking for a job and did she have anything that I could do.

She said, “Could I short order cook”, immediately I lied my ass off and said SURE”. So the job was mine. Basically, it was just an egg and breakfast type place, how TOUGH could it be. RIGHT??? To make a long story short, (Which is NO LONGER possible), for the next four years I cooked my way to Heaven.

When I turned eighteen, I had saved enough money to take a trip, and that’s exactly what I did, to New York City. I decided to go there with a girlfriend of mine the last of December so we could be in Time Square on New Year’s Eve.  I was so excited that night, I dressed in my BEST Sears catalog dress, and Amber and I headed out for the experience of our lives.

Back then, in Dinosaur days, you only needed to be eighteen to buy beer and liquor. We stopped at a liquor store for ME, and then a Quick Stop place to pick up beer for Amber. By eight PM we were BOTH flying high.

By ten, we were drunk as skunks (I didn’t even know that skunks were big DRINKERS), when a woman BUMPTED into me and never bothered to say excuse me. I was so pissed, I confronted her about it and she told me to F%&*^K Off!!!

Could I have just walked away, ignored it, sure, DID I, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I cold cocked her, whereby she fell to the Earth like a meteor crashing to ground.. Lucky me, a cop was right there. He grabbed me up, handcuffed me, and hauled me off to the drunk tank…Happy New Year to me!!! Luckily, Amber found me and bailed me out. At this time I SWORE to myself…NO MORE DRINKING…Until the next time…

Until Later…


My Drunk Diaries—More Than an Education

When I was sixteen, I developed a crush on one of my teachers. I was always a good student, and as such, they all liked me. Coming from a “troubled” home environment, I would often stay after school and talk with this one teacher about my home life.

 She was always so nice, I would babble away about this or that and she would sit there attentive, just listening, and hug me when I needed a hug. Now, I had ALWAYS had a very intense sex drive, and having a beautiful teacher that actually LISTENED to me made it go into overdrive.

Miss Jones, (Not real name), as I said was a beautiful young woman, oh say around twenty five, and had ALWAYS takin’ a liking to me. One day, after school, she invited me over to HER house so we could TALK without any interruptions.

I said SURE, I called my mother, no answer. Well, it was around 3:30 so I figured she was already passed out drunk, so I left her a message and away we went. Miss Jones was always such a happy go lucky person, she was quick with a smile that made sunshine pale in comparison, and was always there with a joke to lighten the mood.

She had such a beautiful apartment. Hardwood everywhere and a baby grand piano in the foyer that would have Beethoven’s mouth hanging to the ground. She looked at me as if I was the only one on the planet and she offered me a drink. What was I gonna SAY….NO?????

She brought out a bottle of wine, red if memory serves me well, and we sat and talked, and drank and drank. Without going into a long dragged out sex scene, she approached my lips and kissed me. By NOW, I was intensely inebriated, (As we drank two full bottles), and I just fell into her arms.

I was hers and she was mine. I didn’t care if the moon even rose that night, at MY young age, and in the state I was in, I loved her. She and I did things that I never had experienced before, and I enjoyed EVERY second of pleasure I could feel.

Afterwards, she offered me coffee while I stayed languishing in her bed. I was in Heaven. She explained that I should NEVER speak to anyone about what happened and that she would LOVE to keep seeing me. I spent MANY drunken nights with her and it was a time I shall never forget.

Two years later, she was convicted of endangering the welfare a minor and was imprisoned. I never saw or spoke with her again.

Until Later…

Giggle Time—The Future of Church

PASTOR: “Praise the Lord!” 

CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!”

PASTOR: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.   And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”

“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and  Facebook   , and chat with God”
S-  i  -l-e-n-c-e

“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready.”

“You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password ‘Lord909887.’

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
1.     Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
2.       Those who prefer to use  iPads  can open them. 
3. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account.
(The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones,  iPads  , PCs and laptops beep and flicker!)
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.
 A.       This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various  Facebook  group pages where the usual group chatting takes place.  Please log in and don’t miss out.
B. Thursday’s Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900 hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.
C. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for  counselling  and prayers.

God bless and have a nice day.
And Jesus wept

My Drunk Diaries

I’m starting a new series about my OWN drinking problems, hopefully, it MAY raise awareness for someone else who has fallen into the same downward spiral that I had.

Thirteen, MY day of reckoning; my father had already passed, and my mother was already in a drunken stupor by eleven AM, so I decided just to see what all this alcohol stuff was about anyway.  I was always curious as to what the taste would be like (Curious little cat that I am), so I decided to see firsthand and try it out.

MY mother was basically a beer drunk, but the liquor cabinet was ALWAYS filled with just about any kind of liquor you wanted. There was Bourbon, Vodka, Rum, Gin, all the liqueurs, and even a few bottles of wine stored in a chilled in a chilling contraption.

I REALLY don’t know WHY I decided to drink, I SAW what it did to my mother on a daily basis, I guess I just wanted to do what kids DO and experiment.

So, into the liquor cabinet I went. I was determined I was gonna try EVERYTHING that was in there, taste by taste. Of course, being a teenager, I had NO FEAR of anything happening to ME like I saw daily from my mother. I was above that, No WAY I was gonna get drunk from just trying out a little bit of this and a little bit of that. After all, my MOTHER was a DRUNK, I was invincible.

I opened the liquor cabinet, and my adventure of self-destruction began. A shot glass or ten was all I really needed I imagined, after all, I watched TV. People would always order a shot and a beer and just chug it down like there was no tomorrow. No ill effects seemed to come to THEM!!!

First, I took a shot of Rum…HOLY @*@#$^$$#$^$…It BURNED my esophagus ALL the way down. Then, I thought, maybe if I drank it WITH something as a mixer, it would go down easier. The only mixer we had in the house was orange juice so THAT would be my mixer.

Once again, I took a Shot of Rum, but THIS time I chased it with some OJ…NOT BAD. So my journey began, Vodka, Gin, Bourbon, Liqueurs, you name it, I tried it.  At first, I started to feel all warm on the inside, then giddy, then suddenly, I felt SICK. No one on TV got sick, what had I done wrong?

Let’s just say the next part wasn’t pretty, I threw up ALL over my clothes, and continued to throw up until I woke up three hours later. My mother had awoken; saw the mess after looking at me and it was game over. I had a hangover the size of Chicago, and a drunken irate mother to boot. I SWORE there would NEVER be a next time…

Until Later…