Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I have been married to my husband for over 20 years, recently, he claims that I have started to snore sounding like a building being demolished. Admittedly, he is a light sleeper so I have bunked into the spare room.

The problem is, he is retiring soon and wants to start crusing the world. I am afreaid that I will just keep him up all night and that ‘neither’ of us will benefit from the sound of my Moose calling everynight. Any thoughts on this one?

No Rest For the Wicked

Dear No Rest For the Wicked:

While snoring has been an age old annoyance for ever, NOW, there are MANY things on the market which can quiet your trumpeting. These include:

* Nasal Sprays

* Nose Strips

* Mouth Pieces

* Chin Straps

* Change your Pillows

* Rinoplasty

* Avoiding Alcohol

* Get a C-PAP system

Depending whether or not you have sleep Apenea is the big thing. If you do, the C-PAP machine works WONDERS to help eliminate your snoring. See your Dr. for a sleep study to see what he/she reccommends, and put that Trumpet calling nose of yours to rest. Good luck…

Giggle Time–The New Computer User–

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in u

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^&&*^^*&^%(*(*&(*^*&**$(*&{)&*T&

 

Lazy Days

It’s Monday, I’m tired, and I don’t feel like working. Long and tiring weekend filled with enough paperwork to choke a horse. WHat the HELL does THAT mean any??? Never heard a horse choke, and have SURE never seen them eat loads of paper. Goat…Maybe, horse, not so much.

I’m in one of those devil may care attitudes today, feelin’ a little reckless, kinda like I wanna chuck it all and go live in a “van down by the river for a while” (Saturday Night Live reference), ya know?

I believe I need some ME time. Time to just sit by the water somewhere, listen to the rocks crashing against the shore, and just letting my mind wonder. It’s been a while since I just got away from all the pressure and just put my feet up, closed my eyes, and let my mind transport me anywhere in the world…Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Raise your hands if YOU feel like that too sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my job and my other businesses, it just seems like lately, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.

Oh well, guess it goes with the territory, plus, I’m such a control freak, I want everything done MY way. THAT is where the extra pressure comes from…ME…Well, guess I better get back to the paperwork, it certainly WON’T do itself…Thanks for listening.

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a 38 year old woman with a problem. My 21 year old boyfriend and I are in love, he wants to marry me, but, I am afraid that our age differences are against us. Other than our age difference, we are very compatible.

Do you think it is possible for a 17 year age split to work in a marriage?

Undecided Bride to Be

Dear Undecided Bride to Be:

The short answer is YES, I think it is possible. I must say though, you WILL have your work cut out for you. I believe as long as he shares the same interests as you, you have a very good shot at making it.

Sure, people will stare, wonder if he is your son etc., but as long as you can handle the criticisms and the age difference doesn’t bother either one of you, I say Go For It!!! Good luck.

New Odds Just In

Update:—Vegas Odds on the Presidential race—Hillary is in the lead with 11/8 odds. Trump and Bush are now tied at 9/2…*SERIOUSLY??????????* Trump WAS 100/1 odds. What the HELL are the American people THINKING?????? OMG…  

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a 36 yearold woman with a horrendous fear of riding the ferris wheel. As a kid, my father would take me to the amusement park and make me ride this huge wheel in the sky. I told him I didn’t want to ride it but he insisted and said I had nothing to fear.

Then, he would rock the damn chair, which would make me ball like a baby. I have been afraid of them ever since. I have just met a wonderful man, the only problem is, he is a huge amusement park and fair type of guy.

I just know he is going to want to ride that death machine, how can I do this when I am scared out of my mind?

Scardy Cat

Dear Scardy Cat:

OK, I am NOT a liscenced Therapist or Psychologist, but, I DO know a thing about trauma. What your father did to you was cruel, what HE thought was just good natured fun, to YOU it was torture. Rocking the damn car…UNBELIEVABLE…???…

It’s no WONDER you have a panic attack everytime you think about it. In MY experience, the best thing to do in order to face your fears is to get right back on that scary horse and stare it in the eye.

If your boyfriend WANTS to go on the ferris wheel, say OK, BUT, make sure he knows there will be NO rocking. Have him hold you tight, and talk to you to help act as a distraction. You will NOT be cured the first time, but hopefully, after several rides of easy does it, and no rocking , your fear of this once dreaded experience will dissapate, and you will be able to finally enjoy the sights at the top. Good luck on this one.

 

How To Win Any Online Argument!—-Rebuttal—

These girls are experts online arguers!

There are many important skills a person needs to learn in order to succeed in life. Winning an argument online is defintiely one of them!

So for this post I have decided to share some highly important tips that will ensure your success in any internet argument whatsoever!

1.Valid information
When you are in an important online debate, it is important to use the correct information to use as facts or evidence to support your argument. Wikipedia and the Bible are always winners. Not only would you win the debate but you will look smart as a rocket science!

2. Tell your life story
People tend to post statements that are completely judgememtal. Nobody likes a judgemental douche. So I suggest that you use your life story to win this argument. This will teach the douche not to judge other people. Also, who needs to use philosphy or facts when you have a heart breaking life story to use as a weapon?

3. My Relative Died Argument
Are you feeling like you are losing the argument? Are you running out of facts or life story lessons to use as support for your argument? Then use the My Relative Died Argument! This would make the party you are arguing with look like a complete insensitive douche and would cause a massive wave of pity from other readers to flood your messages. This defeats all arguments and helps you to gain support.

4. TYPE EVERYTHING LIKE THIS!!!
YPING EVERYTHING IN CAPS MAKES A PERSON LOOK IMPORTANT. IT DOESN’T AT ALL LOOK LIKE YOU ARE A TODDLER SHOUTING BECAUSE SOMEONE STOLE YOUR FAVOURITE TOY. IT ALSO HELPS TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE ARGUMENT AND HELPS THE HIGHLIGHT THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR ARGUMENT. YOUR OPPONENT WILL FEEL WEAK AND WILL IMMEDIATELY GIVE UP AT THE MERE SITE OF CAPS. ALL HAIL THE CAPS!!!

5.Insult
If you have reached a point where neither the My Relative Died Argument or typing everything in CAPS no longer work, then ssimply just insult your opponent. Call them a slut whose vagina contains more semen than a shared condom amongst a football team, because tha will make them look like a total loser. Not only will you destroy your opponents confidence, but you will look witty and cool doing it. And let’s face it, insults are totally more worth in an argument than any stupid fact will be. Facts are for fucking nerds, right?

So those were my five tips to win any argument online. Now you have no excuse to not start pointless arguments online.

Happy blogging

Xander

I am reposting this because A, I *wanted* to, and B, I thought is was funny and needed a follow up post from  someone who also loves to debate. You just can’t beat an old fashion debate now can ya?

1. Valid Information–Valid or not…This is a debate damnit, don’t confuse the argument with FACTS. Facts are just useless pieces of information that will confuse BOTH of you. The best debater is the one who can make Bullshit LOOK like it actually MIGHT contain facts. Seriously, it’s WHO can tell the best story that the crowd believes.

2. Tell Your Life Story–Again, here you take the facts, throw them out, and let your mind be as committed as possible to tell the biggest BELIEVABLE whopper.

3. My Relative Died Statement–OK…I must admit, THIS one is sheer brilliance. I nearly peed myself after reading this. From now on, I am go to START my argument with,” Before I start, I just like to have a moment of silence as my Aunt Ginny has just passed. She was a wonderful old woman who enjoyed boozing, and screwing as many men as she possibly could. Let us bow our heads and PRAY that OUR lives are filled with the same energy as hers.”

At this point, there shouldn’t be a DRY eye in the crowd and you can sell them ANYTHING!!!

4. TYPE EVERYTHING LIKE THIS–ALL CAPS SHOW SUPERIORITY AND WILL QUICKLY UNDERMINE YOUR OPPONENTS ARGUMENT. THE MORE CAPS, THE BETTER. THE LONGER YOU CAN TYPE WITHOUT YOUR OPPONENT INTERUPTING YOU, A WIN IS ASSURED. WHEN YOU’RE DONE HOWEVER, TRY AND REGRESS TO AN INDOOR VOICE BEFORE YOUR MUM COMES AND TOTES YOU AWAY.

5. Insult–This has ALWAYS been a favorite of mine ever since Dan Akroyd used to do it to Jane Curtin on SNL. My favorite is,” Shut up you arrogant narcissist”, you wouldn’t KNOW how to WIN an agrument if Danial Webster came in and argued the case FOR you.”

If That doesn’t shake his/her confidence, then just call him a needle dick, or her a slut with a penchant for water sports. THAT should do the trick.

I believe that with the above 10 suggestions given, you can win ANY argument…Internet, or other. Good night.

Until later…

Do We REALLY Need the US Postal Service

Do We REALLY Need the US Postal Service

With the decline in the Postal Service Usage, do we REALLY need them anymore, or, are they just a once powerful dinosaur than has been laid by the wayside?

Back in its heyday, the Postal Service was a powerhouse delivering billions of pieces of mail. Today, with the technological advances that have developed, and the new hard package delivery companies that have been springing up, the Postal system has taken a whopping decline to losing OVER 15 Billion dollars in revenue a year.

 Now, before you jump all over me and say, some people don’t OWN a computer, let me just say this…Libraries, book stores, and independent computer stores, THESE places HAVE the availability for those who may not OWN them.

Personally, (NO LETTERS NOW), I believe we should have a funeral and put this old, worn out, tired system where it belongs, in a coffin. Think about it, if he Postal Service was a privatized business losing over 15 Billion per year in revenue, it would close. Why hasn’t the Postal Service?

I’ll tell you why, Uncle Sam. The Government is afraid that if the Post Office closes, too much money will be lost by its jobless employees. They’re afraid that the economy could be put into a tailspin that would take years to recover. I say, that is total BS, relocate these people to private industry, pay them a decent wage, and let’s KEEP the economy flowing.

“FACT: The U.S. Postal Service is funded entirely by revenues from postage. According to the U.S. Postal Service, “The Postal Service receives no tax dollars for operating expenses, and relies on the sale of postage, products and services to fund its operations.”

While this is TRUE, Guess who “oversees it”? You, the US Treasury…Where did you THINK the money to operate it is from? In 2015, for the first time, the Us Postal Service defaulted on its Treasury notes. Oooooooops!!!!!! Can YOU say the beginning of the end?

Close the damn dinosaur, Privatize it, put someone who actually KNOWS how to operate a business there as CEO and Run the HELL out of the new baby. I seem to be rambling now, but, you get my point…Taps blowing in the background…

Until Later…

 

References: http://www.carper.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/postal-reform-myths-vs-facts

 

 

Common Questions People Write Me

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Am I really a Woman?

I have just consulted my Vagina and it says YES!!! 

Am I really Irish, and do I have red hair?

Let’s just say I could DRINK you under the table, and YES, the carpet matches the drapes. What the F**K does that mean anyway? 

Are you REALLY a nymphomaniac, or is it an act?

Let’s just say my sex drive is like dominos, one down and the rest will fall.…

 

Is it TOUGH having such a strong sex drive?

Let’s just say the people I’ve worn OUT would say YES!!!

 

I see you online a lot, don’t you work?

Yes, I do. I open my computer to this site and just leave it on all day. In the meantime, I work my ASS off. Between home and at work I put in about 60 hrs. + a week.

 

When do you get the time, and inspiration to write?

Usually, I write after 9PM and will often write 2 articles at that time. I’ve been blessed as for the inspiration, the Spirit just writes THROUGH me.

 

Have you ever been in a long term relationship?

I had one for a week and a half once, my drinking always ruined it. I mean, who wants to date a drunk unless it’s just for sex? Don’t get me wrong, the sex is always good for me, but NOW am looking for a lasting relationship.

 

What made you finally want to get into rehabilitation?

A week before I went, I woke up in the Hospital. I had OD’d on alcohol, and they told me I was lucky, I almost died.

 

Are you happy with your life?

Hmmmmm, overall, yes. I love my job and the other ventures I am involved in, but, I have never had an honest relationship. That’s my NEXT goal. It’s hard because I work and travel a lot. I am also worried about my hyperactive sex drive, I feel if I can control the urges, I may have a shot.

 

Can you cook and how do you feel about kids?

Yes, I CAN cook and I love children, especially with eggs and toast. Seriously, at 44 I really don’t see that happening anymore.