Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I have a major problem and I need some advice. I am a 34 year old man with a wife and child. Since the birth of my child, my wife has suddelnly lost all interest in sex. I went along with this for six months before I met Lola, not her real name.

We met at a bar, started talking, and before you know it, we were sleeping together. While I am ashamed that I cheated on my wife, my physical urges just took over and I was doomed.

We were together for about a year when one day she advises me that she is pregnant. Now I have gotten myself into a pickle and I don’t know how to get out. You see Sooz, I DO love my wife but I have very strong sexual urges which I need satisfied.

What do you suggest I do?

In a Pickle

Dear in a Pickle:

Have you ever heard of satisfying yourself with your HAND??? First of all, I would take a paternity test to see IF you really are the baby’s father. If you are, you are certainly going to have to pay child support to make sure he/she is raised properly.

As far as your WIFE is concerned, believe me, it is better to explain yourself to her NOW than to have your ex-girlfriend come out with it one day unexpectedly. Maybe if you two are ameniable, you could go to counselling and TRY and work this out.

I know it would be VERY hurtful to ME if I found this sort of thing happened. Own up to it, apologize profusely, and DON’T put the BLAME on your wife. You should have tried to resolve this through a conversation or counselling WELL before this became a mess.

All I can say is I’m glad you came to your senses, and I wish you much luck with this akward situation.

Things That go Bump in the Night

It’s almost Halloween and so I thought I would share a story with all of you. Now, what I am about to tell you is TRUE, based on MY perception. I am not saying that the headless horseman, bigfoot, or that the slimy undead roam the Earth, I am just giving you an account of what happened to ME.

Two years ago, YES, when I was still drinking, I observed an unusual experience. Now I KNOW many of you will blame this on the alcohol, but, I assure you, this HAPPENED.

I was depressed at the time, lonely, and thinking about my father. For those of you who are new and don’t know, when I was very young, my father took his own life while I was with him. This was a very traumatic experience and one which I still live with to this day.

I was sitting at home watching TV, when all of a sudden the room got cold. As I got up to check the air conditioning, I saw a shape or figure by my curtains.  I walked slowly towards this eerie figure, thinking it was just a symptom of my drunkenness.

As I got within ten feet, I could make out the spector, it was my father. In his hand was a bottle of whiskey which he poured out in front of me. I honestly couldn’t BELIEVE what I was seeing. I am an intelligent woman, one who CERTAINLY does NOT believe in ghosts, but THIS was happening.

I ventured to ask him the question I have been asking myself for years…WHY??? He merely lowered his head, and waived a kiss to my cheek. As I went closer, his figure shrunk into the darkened night. Once again, I was alone.

So now, I leave my story in YOUR capable hands, did it HAPPEN, or NOT?  I believe that it DID!!! It scared the Bejesus out of me I’ll tell you that. What do YOU think???

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

My husband and I have a bet. He says that you are a syndicated advice columnist under an assumed name for the major newspapers, is that true. If he wins, I have to wash his car every weekend for the next six months. If I win, he has promised to take me on a vacation to Disneyland.

So my dear woman, which is it? Please say that you are not because I so need this trip.

Anxious

Dear Anxious:

As much as I would like to say I am a syndicated columnist for many popular newspapers, I am NOT. I write this column in my blog only. Now, if you KNOW any editors who would LOVE to have a Talented, Intelligent, Saucy, Funny, Humorist, then please make some calls. I am sitting by the phone.

So, pack your bags and off to Mickey Mouse World you go. Say hi to Pluto for me while you’re there, tell him Sooz says hi.

 

Just Ask Sooz

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I have an unusual situation I hope you can help me resolve. My girlfriend of many years has just gotten married to a millionaire. That is not the problem. You see, for as long as I have known her, she has always needed to be penny pinching in order to make ends meet.

Since she has come into money, whenever we go out to lunch or dinner, she always wants to pick up the check. I realize that to her, it is no big deal and that I probably should be grateful, it just makes me feel uneasy you know?

I have offered to pick up the check, but all I get is grief when I do. Should I just shut up and be grateful, or should I tell her how I feel?

Confused

 

Dear Confused:

I can understand this because when I first started making good money, I, too, started picking up the checks. It always gave me a good feeling just knowing that I COULD for change.

More than likely, your friend feels the same way. Here’s a thought, buy her a sentimental gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just a little something that will mean something to her to show that you are appreciative.

She NEEDS to feel like she is a good friend and is merely showing that to you by picking up the checks, LET her. Just enjoy your lunches/dinners, relax and have a good time. I’m sure your friend thinks nothing of it. Good luck…

 

Joe Biden for President, REALLY???

Joe Biden
Official portrait of Vice President Joe Biden.jpg

I have said on numerous occasions that rarely do I give a political opinion, however, when I read that Biden is entering the race, I just wanted to throw in MY two cents.

Let’s review…Joe has already run for President twice, and BOTH times withdrew, WHY, because he KNEW he couldn’t win. Why does he think he can win that elusive victory in 2016? Perhaps the genie in the bottle told him to “go for it” because as we all know, the “Third Time is the Charm.”

Let’s examine what he does a Vice President…

  1. He sits as the head of the Senate
  2. Let’s see…He has a Gavel??
  3. Did I mention the GAVEL???

Other jobs include playing golf with other dignitaries and making sure he can re-spit out ANYTHING the President says. Now, if we could run the country from the golf course, I might consider throwing MY vote his way.

One thing that has always pissed ME off is that he went AGAINST the military mission to find and Kill Osama bin-Laden. Plus, being chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee rubbed me the wrong way. I mean he KNEW about all those foreign relations. Being the Chairman, he was condoning all that seedy sex in foreign lands.

He is also a little iffy; in 91 he opposed the Gulf war, but then in 2002, voted FOR the sending of troops into Iraq, BUT, did not vote for more troops as the Iraq war was in full swing in 2007.

In MY opinion, we need a leader, not someone who can just spit back out the party line rhetoric. At least Hilary is free thinking, just my opinion. Thanks or listening…

Until Later…                                                                 

 

Just Ask Sooz

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a 16 year old female who enjoys reads your column all the time.My question is about my boyfriend. We have been going out now for about a year, and he has recently started presuring me about having sex.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me always, but Sooz, I just don’t think I am ready to make that committment. I love him, but I just can’t seem to get the nerve to tell him. I’m afraid he won’t understand. What should I do?


Distressed Teen

Dear distressed Teen:

Tell him the truth. If he REALLY loves you, he will understand. If he is also your age, his hormones are racing all over the place and all he thinks about is sex. Boys are different than women, they CAN’T get pregnant by accident so they don’t even think about that.

Hold your ground, if he REALLY does love you, he will respect your choice. Don’t let ANYONE pressure you into having sex until YOU are also on board with it….Thanks for writing and…Good Luck.

I Went Kicking and Screaming

Occasionally, I get what is called Afibulation. It’s where the heart decides that instead of normally my 65-70 beats per minute, it feels like it wants to run The Boston Marathon, and the heart rate will go up to 160-180 beats per minute.

Now, in all fairness, when I am having a wonderful sexual experience, I don’t CARE if it gets that high because I am enjoying the experience. When, however, I am SLEEPING, and this happens, it becomes quite disconcerting.

Saturday morning at about 3 AM, (Why is it ALWAYS 3 AM), I awoke from a sound sleep with this out of control arrhythmia. No, I WASN’T having SEX at the time, I SAID I was sleeping.

I clocked my heart rate at 175 and I started to have chest pains so I decided that a trip to the ER was in order. I called a friend and she took me to the hospital…

When I got there, about 4 AM, I expected it to be deserted, but Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two million OTHER people were there also, bleeding from EVERYWHERE, and trying to get someone to see THEM first.

Naturally, I wasn’t having any of THAT, so at Triage, I told them I thought I was having a heart attack and was immediately whisked away for an EKG and was shot full of propranolol, a drug that lowers the heart rate.

Blood enzyme tests were done, and it showed that I WAS having a heart attack. YIKES!!!!! They shot me up with morphine for the pain…Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. J

I was doomed, I had to stay n the hospital until every test know o man could be done, BUT, the only problem THERE was that they couldn’t b done until Monday.

Early Monday (Today), they started their testing and discovered that while I DID have a heart attack, it was a smaller one and didn’t do much damage. So NOW, I have to stay off work for a week and weave wicker baskets or something. Nothing work related…Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So now I am a prisoner in my own home. I am sooooooooooo feakin’ bored I wanna tear my hair out.

I say this because now I can write more, so you nice folks out there may be inundated with about 3000 Dear Sooz letters I have to catch up on… Hope you enjoy….

Until Later…

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

 

Dear Sooz:

My best friend is getting married soon and she just asked me to be her maid of honor. The problem is, I am secretly in love with her husband to be. I mean I wanna jump his bones over and over until we are both sore. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am truly afraid that I will get drunk at tne wedding and do something that will embarrass myself and my best friend. Shiela, (My best friend), has no idea how I feel about her fiance and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship.

Should I accept and take the risk, or, shall I decline and just keep myself away from her new husband?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed:

Getting drunk and sleeping with her new to be husband more than likely WOULD put a damper on your friendship. When you say you are “secretly” in LOVE with her fiancee, do you mean that it is just in your MIND, OR, does HE have feelings for YOU also?

If is the later, stay the HELL away from that wedding, AND him. If it is the former, that is WAY outta my league and I would recommend that you start seeing a psychiatrist as these feelings you have could be something else altogether.

Don’t risk your friendship with your best friend, OR her happiness. I hope that this helped…Good luck…

Emoji Vaginas…WHAT???

 I was reading this morning and I came across an article by Fellowship of the Minds,  talking about a new company that has developed a new Emoji concept, Vaginas. I kid you not, my disbelieving friends, we now have Emoji’s resembling different styles of our Vaginas.

I read this EARLY this morning, around 5 AM, and I was like…”WHAT”?????? It’s supposed to enhance sexting to express how you feel romantically. Are you serious, ROMANTICALLY?? Here’s a thought, why not just send a naked pic. to your friends like “everyone else” and TELL them you wanna get LAID…

Don’t get me wrong, but, if I want you to see my VA Jay Jay, I’ll send you an 8×10 glossy. Where in the world is this world going anyway?  What’s next, penis Emoji’s, or, how about a man’s balls??? What about an Emoji showing females masturbating, or someone giving either a blow, or a hand job? As of now, Apple’s the App Store, and Google’s Play Store have rejected the app. Now THERE’S a shock…

If you actually can’t live without  this new Emoji, you have to go to Flirtmoji and sign up. Once signed, you can send Vaginas all over the world to show others, like ME, you are a real hornball. Just remember…I’m WATCHING you, OK, that’s not true as I am too interested in trying to figure out WHICH one is MY Vagina….

What will they THINK of next???? Now I’ve seen everything.

Until Later…

My Halloween Thoughts

Halloween is almost here and people all over have decided to decorate their homes. The bright orange punpkins carved into all scary forms from witches, scary cats, goblins, and of course the standard pumpkin head.

The black and orange lights around the house, and even a graveyard displayed in the front yard, bring a kind of ereie feel to the season. People ask me, “Are you going out partying on Haloween”? The answer is no.

While I enjoy giving out candy to the trick and treaters, and watching the little ones eyes light up as they display heir costumes, I never have been a big Halloween fan. Something about unholy spirits and pagan rituals of the time, seemed to have dampened my enthusiasm.

Now, I will say this, when I answer the door, I will be dressed up as Elvira. For those of you who may not know who she is, look it up. OR, better yet, see above picture. If you’re wondering if my boobs will be showing, let’s just say that ya can’t make an omlet if ya don’t crack the egg. That means YES for those of you, (like me), who didn’t understand what the Hell I just said.

I do it for myself, to feel sexy, and hey, who knows, maybe my next door neighbor will drop by for some unexpected “treats”. Wink!!!!

Until Later…