My Things to Do Before Xmas List


  1. Get the Netherlands waxed—Hey…Ya never know right? My next door neighbor MIGHT just just be doin’ a little Xmas carolin’. Better to be BE PREPARED like a good little girl scout.


  1. Have a prepared list of curse words ready when I put up the Xmas lights.


  1. Get drunk and sit on Santa’s-LAP …Yeah, that’s it. Oh wait…That was 2 years ago….DAMN!!!


  1. Send sexually explicit photos of myself in a Santa suit to all my possible suitors.


  1. Light up the Yule Tide Log…OR, at LEAST someone’s log.


  1. Give Xmas bonuses to all my employees who so rightfully earned it…OOPS!!! Not THIS year you lazy bastards…I said “EARNED” it…


  1. I promise to SPREAD the Xmas joy this year, just as I have done in Seasons past. (Usually in a mini skirt and tube top)… SMILE, it’s Xmas.


  1. Hang the stockings of all those whom I made love with care for on my mantle.


  1. Say a non-denominational prayer for all those who are less fortunate than me. That’s pretty much everyone…Oh come ON…It was a JOKE!!!


  1. Wish ALL my friends and family a Very Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year…




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