All is not fair in burping and farting, but it is in love and war, Why???

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This is a topic that needs to be THOUROUGHLY examined.  Here’s my question, Why isn’t it fair? Don’t misunderstand me, while I am not a BIG burper or farter, I am STILL for equality all around the board. 

First of all, why IS everything fair in love and war? I mean I believe we have RULES in war, right? Like no Nukes, and the Geneva convention Treaty, and no TRASH talk during a battle like, “Your mother wears Victoria Secret to the Latrine.” 

And what about love? Certainly there are rules THERE also. How about eating like a bird on your first date so your date doesn’t get the wrong idea, like you could eat a whole Luau. 

Or, how about the guys dressing very nice to impress his girl, even wearing shaving lotion when all he really wants to do is be in his Jockeys. Oh…There ARE rules alright, like No boob handling on the first date unless her name starts with Sooz. Here’s a good one, the first kiss at the door. Never plant your tongue in your date’s mouth unless once again, her name starts with an S and ends with a Z. 

That’s why there are rules about burping and farting,  people. That is also why MOST of the burping and farting is done away from other folks. No need to introduce these low grade Human responses to the other part of the Humanity. So you see folks, Not all is fair in Love and War either. 

I say, if there are NO rules fine, Burp and Fart away as much as you want, otherwise…Keep it in your pants, that’s Sooz’s take on it…Good day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Two years ago, I divorced my husband of 25 years. We have a 27 year old son together and  are still good friends. Randy has re-married and has been having difficulties with his current spouse.

Randy calls me on the sly to discuss his problems as his current wife gets upset when he calls me. My question is, should I not accept his calls to try and help him anymore, or do you think it is OK to act as his friend and give him advice?

Ex-Wife

 

Dear Ex-Wife:

Since his current wife gets jealous when he speaks to you, I would respect her feelings and give up the calls. If Randy needs help, he should seek a professional to speak with regard to his current marriage.

You certainly don’t want to be responsible for breaking up his current marriage. Take a deep breath, step back, and let Randy take care of his OWN problems. Let’s hope everything works out for both of you, good luck.

 

 

 

Ways to Wash a Cat

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I KNOW what you’re thinking out there in blog land, “I KNOW how to wash my cat”. Personally, I don’t own any pets, but I have thought about ways to do this what seems like a simple act.

Cats and I never get along, although I don’t hate cats, they just seem to be what’s the word I want here….hmmmmm, somewhat WILD around me. Maybe it’s my smell or something, but I never met a friendly cat.

So, I will tell you some of the ways that I would wash them.

  1. Lasso them with a rope while saying good kitty- kitty, and then dunk them in water while scrubbing them up good. Then, with a towel, dry until fluffy.

 

  1.   While sleeping, pick them up and add to the wash cycle of your washer. Again, dry until fluffy with dryer.

 

  1. In the Summer, you can wash and then hang them on the clothesline to air dry…Until Fluffy.

 

  1. Give the cat copious amounts of Vodka and cranberry juice, when drunk, it should be an easy task to catch the tipsy walking cat and git it a bath. Of course, dry until fluffy.

 

  1. When cat wakes up with a hangover, explain to cat that a nice bath will make him feel better…Cats will BUY this as they are gullible.

 

These are just a few ways that I recommend giving the cat a bath. I am sure that if you OWN a cat, you may have other useful ways, but these have always worked for me…WINK!!!

 

       

 

 

 

 

Another Job…WHAT???

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It’s the beginning of a new year and with it comes a slew of thoughts just drifting around in my mind. Yup, that’s right, I’m thinking of selling my business ad going back to school. For WHAT degree you ask, this one would be in Psychology.

Why would you leave a successful business and pursue another career at MY age, well, I guess the best answer is, I think I need a change. I have been in the advertising game for a long time now, and the truth is, I have always enjoyed helping people and I may need a change.

I am thinking about something on the line of Psychology. Perhaps get my degree and start my OWN practice. That’s one reason I got into writing Just Ask Sooz, while I am NOT a Psychologist, I DO have a minor in Psychology and I  absolutely enjoy helping folks when I can.

What do you all think? Am  crazy for giving up such  high powered job and go into this new field or do you believe it just might be good for me. I absolute value all of your opinions, so a little help here would be appreciated.

I realize he pay would be considerably less, I just think the self satisfaction and rewards might just be worth it. I don’t know, just thinking about it. Please give me YOUR thoughts here. Thanks…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

 

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Dear Sooz:

Hi Sooz, my name is Roger and I read you all the time. I have tried everything, and have spoken to many people, so you are my last hope.

I have a weight problem Sooz. I am around 430 lbs., 17 years old, and still go to high school. Everyone makes fun of me and as much as I try and diet, I just don’t seem to have the will power to keep it going.

I have tried just about every diet from Atkins to the sauerkraut diet, but nothing seems to work long term. I am very bad when others around me are eating donuts or candy. Both of these sweets are my Armageddon.

I need more willpower Sooz, any suggestions? I hate the way I look and the way that everyone teases me.

Roger the Blob

 

Dear Roger:

First of all, I’m NOT going to call you Roger the blob.  I believe that POSITIVE images are a way to help keep the lifestyle that you need going. Be positive, everyone in this world is unique in some way Roger.

Try limiting your carbohydrates to no more than 200g/day. This is tough at first, but you will become used to it after a couple of weeks. Limiting carbs are a quick way to lose weight AND keep it off.

Try and stay away from food tempters who are eating all those sweets around you. If it’s your family, tell them to please eat their treats someplace else and NOT around you. Look…Only hard work and determination is going to help you lose weight, you have to make up your mind that you are gonna DO it and then WORK hard, and stick WITH it.

There are no quick fixes unless you have the surgery, and even THEN, they will want you to lose weight before they would operate. I feel your pain and I wish you much luck…stick WITH it now.

New Year’s Resolutions—Bah Humbug

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So here it is the New Year and of course along with the new year ALSO comes the resolutions. Here’s MY question, how many of you have made resolutions and have already broken them? If you’re like most people, then over 73 % of you have already said TO HELL with it and are either starting over, or, have said “what ever” and just threw them out the window.

Here are the resolutions that I have made, and hope to keep all year long. Good luck Sooz, you’ll NEED it!!!

  1. I promise never to speak unkind things about anyone…While they’ re around…

 

  1.  I’ll try and limit my daily masturbation schedule by cutting it to only 3 times a day…OOPS!!!!…

 

  1. Never give someone the finger while driving in a bad area…Live and learn…YIKES!!!

 

  1. I will NOT go to a bar just to get picked up and laid…I’ll need a real dinner first…

 

  1. I promise NOT to curse about Tom Brady all the time during the off season…

 

  1. I will only respond to pick up lines that have the word Angel in it…I just LOVE to be called an angel…

 

  1. I will flirt ONLY when flirted with first…Yeah… like THAT’S gonna happen…  

 

  1. I will drive MYSELF places more…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

  1. I will find a nice mate and settle down?????????    Hey, miracles DO happen!!!

 

  1. I will give more of my time to the homeless and those who need help.

 

Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!!