Light Bulb Jokes

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How much does it cost to have an Electrician change a light bulb?

 

1.   Think of a plan on how to do the job-100.00.

2.    Hire someone to go and pick UP the light bulb–20.00..

3.    Gas money used in the transaction… 10.00..

4     Cost of the Light bulb–8.00

5.    Hire someone to get ladder from the truck–10.00…

6.    Screw in the light bulb-50.00 by electrician. Total Cost:—198.00…

Customer cursing–Priceless!!!

We Can Cure Some of the Major Diseases, but NOT the Common Cold… WTF!!!

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So this is day two of my fight for survival with this awful cold. I have taken EVERY medicine known to man, and STILL I feel like a tattered rag. I must admit though, I am NOT a good patient.

I whine, and complain, and am just, well a CRANK. While that is certainly NOT the way to handle things, it’s just the way I am made. I’m better off just being left alone, Bitching and whining to myself.

Tomorrow, I have to be in the office for a large presentation for a new client, Ms. CRANK or not. Ohhh, don’t worry, I will be very polite and cover my mouth so I don’t infect anyone else, I promise…

Wish me luck tomorrow; I have a Japanese client with LOTS of money to spend on a HUGE Ad Campaign. Luckily, I speak a little Japanese so that should put the client a little more at ease.

Alright, well, I’m going back to bed now, it’s gonna be a LONG day tomorrow…

Arigato!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can You STILL Cure Heart Disease if You Have a Cold

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I DON’T know, but I DO know this, I have one HELL of a cold. Yup, I was around someone in a meeting a few days ago who had NO regard for anyone’s health, and he thought it might be a good idea to just sneeze all over us, and hack his way through the meeting…UGH!!!!

The general rule SHOULD be, if you have a contagious disease like Typhoid, or Malaria, or EVEN a nasty cold, STAY the HELL home, Geese!!! Why should someone ELSE be subjected to YOUR precious germs?

Rarely do I get sick, he (Meeting man), just happened to be close to me and I got deluged with his disease. Nothing I could do really, except to tell him to get the Hell away from me.

Let me just say that I don’t function well when I am sick. Thank GOD I don’t have any kids to take care of, or a husband who was ill, they would be fending for themselves.

Where am I now you ask, Well, I am sitting in my living room, hacking and sneezing up St. Lewis. I am binging on honey and lemon cough drops, and taking more over the counter nose decongestants than I can count. Truth is, right now, my nose is SO dry it could be considered a third world desert.

Hopefully I will feel like returning to the land of the living tomorrow, and if NOT, I will just sit back, relax,and BITCH like a fighting dragon. So long for now, my nasal spray is calling me…

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

My problem is an embarrassing one. I am an 18 year old man who is addicted to porn. I have been looking at porn and masturbating, ever since I was 14. Here’s the problem, I have been with a few women, and I just can’t seem to “rise” to the occasion with them. Have you ever heard of this before?

I am only 18 and I am just coming into my sexuality, what’s the problem here? Every time I am with someone I like, I just can’t seem to “close the deal”.

Am I doomed?

Snake Charmer

 

Dear Snake Charmer:

Being addicted to porn as you seem to be CAN have its downsides. What you are experiencing is one of them. You are so enamored with the fantasy world, you have only been able to “close the deal” IN the fantasy world.

I suggest limiting your porn viewing and masturbating. Save some of those precious Semen for REAL LIVE women…Porn is fun and fine but NOT all the time.

Get a hobby…Join a club…Help others….Just stay away from your computer..

If you do, you should return to normal unless there are some other medical problems…Good Luck…

 

 

 

Drinking Games—Ahhhh, it Must Be St. Patties Day Again

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Drinking Games—Ahhhh, it Must Be St. Patties Day Again

With St. Patties Day coming up, I thought I would offer ALL you Irishmen, and women, a few tips on how to enjoy the day by getting drunk using drinking games.  Now, I realize that you can STILL have fun on Patties Day without getting drunk, the trouble IS, I just don’t know HOW.

The First one I used to play ALL the time is called Flip, Sip, or Strip. Here’s how it is played:

Flip a coin and while it is in the air, call heads or tails. If you guess right, pass the coin to your right. If you guess wrong, pass the coin to your left and either take one article of clothing off (anything that is a pair counts as one item) or take a drink.

If you guess right, you can choose to flip again. Another successful guess lets you pass the coin to anyone of your choosing. A wrong guess has normal consequences.

If you guess right three times in a row, you may retrieve an article of clothing and put it back on. The coin is then passed to your right. The only other rule is, a lousy coin toss needs to be re-tossed”.

I can’t TELL you how many times I have played this game and stumbled home with ONLY my panties on.

 

Another fun one is Circle of Death/Kings Cup

Here, all you need is a deck of cards without the Jokers and some good old Irish Whiskey. Here is how it is played:

To set up the game you will need a full deck of cards, without the jokers, and either a cup full of anything alcoholic or a can of beer. Put the beer or drink in the center of the table and arrange the cards face-down around it.

Decide who goes first and start drawing cards.

Here are what the cards mean (remember, this is regional):

2 – “Two for you” – Give out two drinks
3 – “Three for me” – Take three drinks
4 – “Whores” – Girls drink
5 – “Bust a jive” – Do a dance move, the next person then does that dance move and adds to it, and so on. The dance moves keep going until somebody can’t execute them in the correct order. That person drinks.
6 – “Dicks” – Guys drink
7 – “Heaven” – Everybody reaches to the sky immediately. Last person to do so drinks.
8 – “Pick a date” – Pick somebody to drink with you. Every time you screw up or have to drink, they have to drink, too. But if they drink, you don’t have to (unless you both are “dating” each other.)
9 – “Bust a rhyme” – The person who draws a card says a word to rhyme. Orange, purple, and silver (and any other non-rhyming English words) are illegal. The people then go around in order trying to rhyme with that word. No repeats. If someone can’t think of a rhyme or accidentally repeats, they drink. Note: For more advanced people, rhythm can be kept.


10 – “Categories” – The person who draws the card picks a category, like “farm animals” or “brands of cereal.” The people then go around in the circle naming things within this category. No repeats. If someone repeats or can’t think of something to contribute, they drink.


Jack – “Never have I ever” – Everybody puts up five fingers. The person who drew the card says something they’ve never done, and anybody who has done it has to put a finger down. It can be as dirty or as clean as you like. The person who loses all five fingers first drinks.


Queen – “Question master” – This person is now the question master. Until the next queen is drawn, this person can ask anyone a question. If they fail to answer the question with a question, they drink.


King – “Make a rule” – A rule is made that lasts until the end of the game. Rules can be compounding, so after all four kings are played, there will be four rules. Anytime a rule is broken, and a person gets called on it, they have to drink.


Ace- “Waterfall” – Everybody drinks until the person who drew the card stops drinking. The last person to draw “Waterfall” has to drink the cup or beer at the center of the cards.

OMG!!!!! This game is played early on in the day so that by NIGHT FALL, everyone you stagger into IS IRISH and needs to be KISSED. A fun time is guaranteed for all—UNTILL he next day.

If you DO drink, please remember NOT to drive, and be safe…

Until Later…

 

 

 

Friends

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When Life provides stresses,

You are there to soothe my mind.

When I fall,

You lift me up, and strengthen my resolve.

 

When I am in despair,

You caress my mind, and ease my soul.

When I am happy,

You share in my joy.

 

When I am sad,

You hold me in your arms, and comfort me.

When I fall from grace,

You listen, and judge me not.

 

You are many things to me,

But MOST importantly, you are my friend.

Thank You!!!

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I need help. I am a 26 year old mother with three boys ages, 3, 5, and 6. They are beautiful, active boys and are pretty typical except for one thing, the 5 and 6 year olds play with their, um, “jewels”.

I just don’t know how to break them of this. When I take them out to the store their hand are always down their pants. I have explained to them that this is not appropriate behavior, but, they just keep on doing it.

Once my mother-in-law was over for lunch and she saw Eric and Jason playing with themselves, and she was so embarrassed, she turned a beet red. Then, she took me aside and started yelling at me for letting them continue this filthy habit.

I am all out of ideas Sooz, I have tried to scare them into making them believe it would fall off if they kept it up, I have also old them it wouldn’t grow anymore, but still they continue.

Every time I seem them doing it, I tell them to stop immediately, but they seem to go right back to the same old practice 10 minutes later. I am so distraught, can you help me?

Jewel Giggler

 

Dear Jewel Giggler:

 

Let me just say this, boys will be boys. It is a very common practice to see boys of this age touching themselves. To THEM. It just feels good and they see nothing wrong with it.

Actually, SOME boys NEVER lose the urge to give “Jimmy a Jingle”, just look at Steven Tyler or Michael Jackson when they perform. It seems like every other syllable they sing; it’s time for a free for all in their pants.

Just keep doing what you are doing and sooner or later they will lose and start using their hands more constructively. I recommend that when they start touching themselves, distract them with something else.

Give them a chore to do, or interest them in building something with Legos or blocks. This will help keep their focus on something productive and OFF themselves. Good Luck…

 

 

 

 

 

Trump University

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Photo of Trump showing how YELLING can get across your message.

 

As Universities everywhere pride themselves on their great educational process, so does Trump University, a new comer for the politically minded. This institution was formed from the blood, sweat, and womanizing platforms that stands firm on the Trump name.

Not only will you learn the finer skill sets of being a ruthless ass in business; you will also learn how to speak out of both sides of your mouth, speak LOUD, because God knows by speaking in a high decibel voice you will ALWAYS command respect, and have the ability to shut out the smarter and more timid party away, but you will also learn how to repeat yourself with the same rhetoric over and over in hopes that is sounds better the third time.

These are great lessons that need to be learned by all politicians. Trump U. also provides for learning how to just say ANYTHING you want WITHOUT actually having a REAL PLAN to back the words up. All good politicians NEED to learn this skill.

As an example:–

Mr. Trump—-The tax plan we have now sucks. I promise if elected, I will completely revamp the plan so the poor get richer AND so do the existing RICH.

Moderator—-How do you plan on doing that, sir, what exactly IS your plan?

Mr. Trump—-Oh, a, well, I’m working on that RIGHT now my friend, don’t you worry about a thing.

Also learned, is how to buy 1000.00 dollar suits, and make sure your HAIR is combed JUST right. These things will help SWAY the American people because, well, who would disagree with a man who is so impeccably dressed and well-coiffed?

Last, you are taught how to be a womanizer. Not just ANY womanizer, but a GOOD one. Pick out a woman you like, have sex with her and THEN, just divorce the wife your with and add on the new one.

So, all those who want to be this kind of Politician, put in your entry forms or Trump U. now. You MAY not win the battle, BUT, you will have put on QUITE the side show trying.

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Well, here we are. After several years of answering Dear Sooz questions, I KNEW that one day YOU would be here asking me, (Yourself), for your OWN help.

You have lived quite a fast and furious life for a little drunk girl haven’t you? You were at top of your class in college, and then clawed your way up to be the CEO of your own company in just a short time.

Time really DOES take its toll doesn’t it? I understand the syndication deal you were looking at fell through, but you just picked up your hopes and dreams and just kept on going.

So what brings you here today asking for MY help? I’ll stop here so I can listen to your problem.

Well, I’ll admit losing the syndication deal hurt my ego quite a bit, but after pouting for a couple of days I did get over it. The thing is, I am not USED to losing, and I DON’T like it.

My whole life I have scratched and clawed my way to become what I am, and NOW, after THIS loss, I feel like a loser. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, but realized this was NOT the way to go. I am torn now. I still haven’t heard from Stanford regarding my admission and now I am beginning to question my ability.

I’m just down I guess something which is not like me usually. I have no one steady in my life to lean on, and I feel like I am on a block of ice just drifting aimlessly in the Ocean of life.

What do you think I should do to get my Psyche back to normal once again?

Sooz

 

Dear Sooz:

Quit dwelling on the failures and start looking forward to your future. The world is YOUR oyster my dear. Don’t give up and feel sorry for yourself, the “Poor Me” syndrome, get off our ass and get involved with the world.

Remember, life is fickle; you will not ALWAYS get what you want. Do what you are good at and help someone ELSE. If you lose yourself in THIS, you will not ONLY forget about your own troubles, you will become a better person.

Take my advice, that’s what you HAVE me for.