Clarification of My Letter to the Soldier of Fortune Magazine

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For those of you out there who may be Feds reading my latest article, PLEASE note, IT WAS HUMOR!!! Come On!!!! In no way was I trying to threaten anyone, kill anyone, or have anybody abducted.

God, you guys are SOOOOO touchy!!! Gone are the days that we can write a satirical or humorous piece about any type of Government agency without the threat of causing great harm to our person and reputations.

For the record, IT WAS A HUMOR PIECE… Please, don’t send me threatening emails, letters; or worse yet, have that black van parked across the street monitoring my every move. I Am NOT a terrorist.

 Hell, with the amount of money I pay in taxes/year, I SUPPORT most of you poorly paid Feds. Give me a break, will ya? By the way, Bulldozer, Snake, and Scooter were just MADE up names, NOT real people. I am a writer, and as such, I expect a little creative space to write what I want without being harassed.

After all, this IS still America isn’t it, you know freedom of speech and all. Anyway, if I have offended anyone, then I am sorry. It really IS a shame that our world is in such a state that the NSA has to listen in on everything we are saying, or has the ability to disrupt the lives of average Americans.

For those of you who KNEW this article was just for FUN, THANK YOU, for everyone else, well, I am afraid you need to develop a sense of humor.

Sooz

 

Reply to Soldier of Fortune Magazigine

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Dear Soldier of Fortune Magazine:

Thank you for inquiring about my recent history regarding the usage of your “product”. At the present time, I‘m all set. I want to thank you, however, for all the previous times that I have utilized your services.

There just doesn’t seem to be the need at present to overturn Governments, throw out dictators, or just make people just disappear. Before I forget it though, let me just say that the last team you recommended were great. P27 and M38 were amazing. The last time I used them, they located, extracted, and made sure that my LAST client would never be heard from again. I would definitely call upon them again in the event something comes up.

It’s always good to know when I need to make a girlfriend/boyfriend pay for their sins; you are always there and ready to assist me. Again, thank you for your inquiry, and yes, I DO have your number when and IF the need arises.

Give my regard to the team, and tell them I will definitely call on them again. Also say hi to “The Bulldozer”, “Snake”, and “Scooter”. Best regards guys, and before I forget it, what do you think the odds are for Trump to become our next president?

Hopefully, he will NOT obtain enough delegates to run, if so, we may need to speak again. All the Best…

Sooz

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have an unusual problem Sooz, my husband is a bed farter. Yup, you heard right, he will be asleep and all of a sudden, he will let out gas that smells so bad, that our 5 year old boxer will wake up and leave the room.

I’m not kidding you. These nasty bouts of ammonia based, disgusting odors could clear a stadium full of people. Time and time again, I have asked him to watch what he eats, but he just comes to bed, and once asleep, starts right in with his gaseous outbursts.

I love my husband Sooz, but his annoying routine is really starting to wear me thin. I have even gone as far as wearing one of those surgical masks, but I can’t shake that odoriferous smell.

Any suggestions that could help remedy this disgusting scenario? I am all ears as my nose is gone.

Almost Gone with the Wind

Dear Almost Gone With the Wind:

There are several good over the counter drugs that help eliminate this problem. I would check with you Dr. and see what he recommends. Sometimes, this can also be caused from a past surgery, or other illnesses. If none of these things work, tell him how you feel, and suggest that he starting eating less gaseous foods.

If he still balks at THIS, then suggest perhaps he would like sleeping in a different bed than you. See what reaction THIS brings. There is no reason why you should have to put up with this disgusting situation.

Hopefully, he will get the point and choose option number one or two… Good Luck!!!

 

Vacation to The Carabbean

Hi everybody! How’s your day going? Got to work early today and finally got caught up on all the paperwork I had to do. I’ve decided that I am going to go to the Caribbean for about 2 weeks.

My health has started to erode once I started back to work and started burning the candle at both ends again. I called my Dr. and he said he thought it would be good for me, so, I quickly booked a nice place in St. Lucia and off I go starting tomorrow.

I have been there several times and I believe it is just what I need to get completely healed. I will miss you all and hope you don’t forget me when I get back… My love to ALL…

Sooz

Fixing Printers for Dummies

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Hi everybody just wanted to say thank you for all the responses you sent me since I’ve been off recuperating. I’m finally healed (For the most part), and back at work today.

Tons and tons of paperwork to sift through…Grrrrrrrr. Reports-here, there and everywhere, fun wow, guess I got used to lounging on the couch coughing and being served.

Anyway, in my office is my own private copy machine. It’s a nice one; it prints, copies, scans, and even sings on bright sunny days. Here’s the thing, I went to make oh, I don’t know, a thousand copies or so, and guess what, I pressed the button that said make me work and IT REFUSED!!!

Now, this is something I really didn’t expect because the last time I used it, it spun like a top. Well, you know what I mean, it made great copies. Today, NOTHING!!

Understand, I’m already behind and catching back up, and then THIS happens. So, what do you think I did? Did I immediately call a repairman, Nooooooooooooo… I figured there were things could do to this lazy ass printer before I called someone who would cost my business more than the cost of the machine to fix.

I carefully opened up the printer to see if it had paper—Yup. Then, I checked the cartridge to make sure it didn’t need ink..Yup, ink OK…Then I checked the part that says check for a paper jam…no paper jam.

Usually, at THIS point, you would think that I would have just swallowed my pride, and justed call the F*&%*NG repairman, Noooooooo!!!!! I LOOKED at the gears and checked all the cogs to see if they were where they were supposed to be, looked good. Then I inspected the chains, and again, they seemed to be in place.

Finally, I did what ALL of us would be mechanics would do, I cursed up a BLUE STREAK, and then called the maintenance guy. While waiting, I went down to the cafeteria and got an ice cream sundae…THOSE I DO know what to do with.

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

A while ago, my husband booked a fishing trip with him and his buddies. First, let me say that I HATE fishing and or anything that remotely resembles fishing. I hate putting those slimy worms on, having the possibility of catching myself on the hook, and or holding a slimy scaly fish.

Anyway, what happened was he found out that his buddies had decided to ask their wives to come so naturally, he invited me. Sooz, let me just say that there is no way I want to go on this damn fishing trip.

I realize my husband was just following his friends lead, but, not only will I have to put up with the fishing; the wives will be doing all the work cleaning and cooking the catch.

Somehow to me this does not sound like an ideal time. I was really looking forward to going to the Spa, having a nice massage, and a steam. Now, I will have to waste my time slaving and touching God only knows what on that holiday from Hell.

Do you have any words of wisdom for this forsaken fisherman?

Floundering in Fish Land.

 

Dear Floundering in Fish Land:

Why not just tell you husband what you’ve told me. I’m sure that he won’t mind if you beg off, tell him you have already made plans for the Spa and such, I don’t see how he could refuse you.

If he DOES make you go, explain to him that you will be doing NO fishing other than dropping your pole in the water and waiting for Moby Dick to come around. Also explain that under NO circumstances are you touching any slimy fish varmints. If he still wants you to come, at least you have established rules and boundaries for him to follow. I wish you much luck in your holiday experience. Happy Fishing…